this is not the issue

the issue is

become wary and guarded when you are being admired by a female who is not your wife

THAT is YOUR job in recovery

understand?

it's not about who loves you but who you allow near you in order to make you feel good about yourself

[color:"red"] a newbie FWW ought to be spending 100% of her admiration currency on her BH at home[/color] ... she got into difficulty when she did not follow that rule in the past

recovery 101 ~~~> put up appropriate boundaries and don't wander beyond a very VERY VERY clearly defined safe zone

Pep

kari---i am not gonna get into it with you but you dont know me from atom either my dear.....yet you are being harsh when all i suggested was protect your weakness. it is one of the major rules of mb's. your post sounds condesending and judgemental also.....and since its not filled with all the usual smiley's...

you posted to me earlier about the harshness of one of my posts.....i guess that was only meant for me. i tried to help but it is clear this isnt the thread for me. i am just a bs who went through five years of ******....recovered her marriage...is happier than ever and in love again and yes we both say it and show it everyday...but hey....what the he// do i know?

Pepperband, KiwiJ and Nikko,

Here is one of my first posts. Thank you for your concern, but i do get it, about protecting one's weaknesses....

I had an A because I didn't protect my weaknesses. If you are a WS or FWS, you had your A for the exact same reason. There is NO OTHER reason or cause for an A. Allow me to give you the example SH gave me, because I didn't truely understand this concept until he gave me this explanation.

First Scenerio:
Let's say you are married, and for several years you have not felt like your spouse has been meeting any of your EN's (although you didn't know what to call your EN's at the time). You felt lonely, unloved, and weren't sure you felt any love toward your spouse any longer. You were depressed about all of the above. You start talking to a co-worker one day, and find the attention and compliments they give you to be very flattering. You find yourself looking forward to seeing this person at work. After a few weeks, this person invites you to lunch, or out for a couple of drinks. You continue to share more and more with this person. Before you realize it, this person has taken the place of your spouse, and are meeting so many of your EN's that you fall in love with this OP.

Second Scenerio:
You are married. In your opinion, happily married. You and your spouse share your deepest thoughts and emotions. You work hard at meeting each other's EN's. There is nothing you would change in your M. You start talking to a co-worker one day, and find the attention and compliments they give you to be very flattering. You find yourself looking forward to seeing this person at work. After a few weeks, this person invites you to lunch, or out for a couple of drinks. You continue to share more and more with this person. Before you realize it, this person has taken the place of your spouse, and are meeting so many of your EN's that you fall in love with this OP.

Okay, here's where the lesson comes. In both scenerios, a spouse ends up falling in love with another person. Did the spouse in scenerio #2 fall in love because their EN's were not being met? NO. They fell in love because they DID NOT PROTECT THEIR WEAKNESSES. Now they are in love with 2 different people.

Did the poor condition of the M in scenerio #1 contribute to the spouse being more suseptible to having an A? Quite possible. But again, they didn't fall in love because their EN's weren't being met. They fell in love because they DID NOT PROTECT THEIR WEAKNESSES.

What are some examples of weaknesses? I have several, so allow me to share this with you. I have an incredible inability to express my deepest feelings and emotions with anyone, including my H. When I began feeling empty in our M, rather than discuss this with him, I chose to allow someone else to make deposits into my love bank. Before I knew what had happened, I fell in love with this OP. I chose not to tell my H how I was feeling. Heck, I don't think I was even honest with myself! But enough about my situation, I want people reading this to grasp this concept in the worst way. IMO, this is a huge stepping stone toward recovery in anyone's M that's had an A involved. It's important for BOTH spouses to understand this concept. It makes the WS accountable for their choices. It allows the BS freedom from feeling like their spouse had an A because they weren't meeting his/her EN's. It reduces the chance for the BS to blame the whole thing on themselves.

I hope this post has made sense to at least some of the great people here on this forum. I'd be happy to clarify anything if I can.

As i just posted on CO's thread, let's just move on, shall we?!

Thanks,

KJ

Y'all,
CO and Iamsosorry are really putting forth strong effort to recovery their marriage right now. Can you please put this issue to rest on this thread and start up another thread if you wish to continue discussing it?

I see value in all these postings, but at this point, the continued postings for justifying your positions are just serving as a distraction to CO and Iamsosorry's recovery process. IMO.

Blessings,
Glad

Amen.

Thanks Glad!

KJ

KJ

I had already read most of your stuff on recovery board

but what you are missing here is...

the FWH in question LIKES admiration from females ... step back from offering him that token

his weakness ought to be considered

you can feed this weakness by accident ... it does not have to be deliberate ... in fact ... I'm certain this is not deliberate here ... but nevertheless ... don't offer heroin to a heroin addict >>> don't offer female admiration to a man hungry for that either!

OK?

Pep

OK. Thanks.

KJ

Ok, everyone gets it, everyone's cool.

Now back to MBing. KJ, you ARE helping, so keep it up.

Iamso, I'm still sure you and CO have what it takes.

I did actually read what you wrote before you went back to edit it. I appreciate the heads up(watch out). I

O-kay...I will . I have been able to accept KJ approach toward my situation because she not only criticized me but encouraged me and congratulated me for all the right things I was doing during my recovery period with my wife. I thought of all the positive things that she was telling me as encouragement and motivation, not admiration. I see your point about not accepting "admiration" from someone other than my wife. Thanks for the advice.

Encouragement ...NOT admiration. Thats all I ever wanted. Encouragement that when I think I am doing the wrong things or feel like I am gonna lose my marriage there is a third party ( KJ ,kiwi,glad) that tells me "your are doing great, keep up the good work". My wife and I are having a hard time understanding why compliments can't be made here without it being called admiration!

What ever you do don't change your approach toward me. My wife is very happy with how well I have been doing. If you read my last few posts I don't and will not consider your nice words of encouragement as admiration. If that was truly the case we would be headed for a train wreck. I feel as long as we know where we stand (with each other and our spouses)and my wife has no problem with the way you approach our situation(as she stated on her thread) lets get back to business!

Thank you kiwi. Hope I didn't offend you in any way during this whole little mess. Like I said before... You , KJ , and glad are my dream team recovery crew. The three of you bring different methods and approaches to my situation. The thing I like the best is I can openly accept anything you three tell me and not be close minded to your suggestions or comments. Lets keep this team going because from what I am seeing my wife and I are going in the right direction and you three are a big reason for that so once again Thanks!!
______________________________________________________________________
I am now asking all MB who are reading my threads to not make anymore comments about yesterdays ordeal. It's done and it's over! If anyone does make a comment I ask MJ,kiwi and glad to disregard it and keep you attention to the matter at hand...MY MARRIAGE RECOVERY! Thanks in advance for you support !

im gonna try this again and i am even using smiley so no one thiks im mad... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

you got some good advice from everyone.....even me. you didnt want to "hear" mine because it wasnt accompanied with compliments. what i posted was just a warning to watch boundries...i never accused anyone of anything. i posted a warning. it seems like it wasnt what anyone wanted to "hear" so it was attacked. that is fine....but it doesnt make what i was trying to say any less valid... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

i understand that we all have to "learn" to accept things we dont want to hear...btdt, got the t-shirt..lol but because i dont post "compliments", which is my own boundry....it doesnt make what i said invalid. i was trying to help.....you seem to have a "need" for these compliment in order to hear what someone is saying....what everyone is trying to say is that may be one of your weaknesses and you may want to explore that. you havent posted much of the story of your affair so we dont know....was it an affair that started this way...with bantering and friendship and then you crossed the line...or was it....hey im going out to get me some and i dont care who its with....

see, sosorry i dont know how your affair started but % wise most start from innocent things like someone meeting a need like admiration and conversation and its off to the race's we go....and it has happened here also. some of us that have been here a long time have seen it over and over....it is never meant to happen, and im not saying that is what you or anyone else was doing....i just felt that from your own posts you have a high need for these compliments in order to "hear" someone. and getting that from ANYONE other than CO right now is dangerous. you wanted help and asked for people to point out to you what you were doing right or wrong.....i felt like it was something that YOU needed to explore for yourself.(i dont know what kind of smiley to put after this...none seem to fit...lol)

i am not mad, i am also not an angry bs....i just have certain boundries that I dont mess with. that is my decision....it is nothing against you...i dont even know you.....we all have boundries and we all should honor them.

hopefully this clears some of this up....i really was just trying to help..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

we posted at the same time...sorry

O-kay now lets get back to Recovery.
My problem right now is mornings. Each morning my wife wakes up in a depressed mood because when she wakes up next to me she is reminded of me sleeping next to another women. She says when she wakes up in the morning even before it is time for her to get up she can't go back to sleep because she thinks of me sleeping next to or holding OW. What... if anything can I do? I usually just try to tell her to think of each morning as an opportunity. An opportunity to make this day different than the last. Mornings are the start of what ever you make the day to be. I also tell her I love her and I show concern for her trouble. I don't want her to wake up feeling this way so what else can I do and is what I have been doing o-kay ?

No Problem.

PS- Thanks for the smiley faces! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

the key to her triggers is in her. all you can really do is try to be understanding and supportive. she has to figure out how to beat them....and for each of us its different...there isnt just one way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ask her if there is anything else you can do besides what you are allready doing and let her guide you. some of the things she tries may trigger her worse...some may help...its a learning process.

after all this time i finally faced one of my triggers this weekend....i knew what it was and i knew it was gonna trigger me....but i willingly put myself in the situation and just got through it. it wasnt too bad and next time it will be hopefully a bit easier....time and patience is key. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
she also has to be "ready" to deal with them. that is all on her and in her own time....keep trying though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

IASS,

In Harley's books I remember reading about BSs needing to reclaim moments, special days special times etc...write a new history for the 2 of you for those times/days, new memories. You might try to make mornings a special time for you and FBW so she can reclaim your mornings with her, write a new memory of mornings and who you wake up to. I believe it is something along these lines of rewritting the moment or time/day with positive memories for you and FBW. I have also read in the forums where this has worked for others.

You might try it, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Hi sosorry,

I just want to echo Nikko's most recent post, and Eagles too. Dead on from a BS perspective. The triggers really are within her to deal with...accompianied by your sensitivity to those triggers, which is how it sounds like you are handling the mornings thus far. Prayer got me a long way in warding off bad thoughts from triggers.

I also like what Eagle said with creating new memories or rituals out of things that trigger her. Can you try and get up before she wakes and wake her with a glass of OJ or cup of coffee?

Something we did was totally redecorate our bedroom...not because anything happened in there A-wise, thank goodness! but just as a fresh start and creating a marriage retreat for our "new" marriage that we were embarking on.

Keep up the good work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Blessings,
Glad