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the key is she has to be ready. you cant rush her with facing triggers. let her go at her own pace. just be there for her. the biggest thing you can do is be understanding. this may go on for years. triggers suck! lol hang in...slow and steady...
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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I also like what Eagle said with creating new memories or rituals out of things that trigger her. Can you try and get up before she wakes and wake her with a glass of OJ or cup of coffee? EXACTLY what I was going to recommend!! I'd also add, that if she wakes up really early, and you are aware of it, get out of bed, tuck her in, and tell her to go back to sleep. You go read those books of yours (yes, I'm still bossing you about them! LOL), and do the coffe/juice thing when it's time for her to wake up. My H writes me little love notes next to my coffee cup, I love that. I also like the redecorating of the bedroom idea. Hey, you guys are sleeping in the same bed! It wasn't too long ago when that wasn't happening! So this is progress in and of itself. Like others have told you, give her time, be patient. It's so nice to be back to helping each other, isn't it?! Have a great day Sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> KJ
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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Eagle,Glad,Nikko and KJ... those are all awesome ideas and suggestions. I will definitely take time out today and try to figure out what I can do about this . I think one of the things I may do is buy a carnation today when I get off of work . I will wake up early tomorrow so that when she wakes up and looks over at my side she will see the flower on my pillow and not the husband who let her down. Feedback on this anyone? Any other suggestions on this matter are still welcomed... It's so nice to be back to helping each other, isn't it?! Have a great day Sorry! Yes KJ it is good to be back to helping each other and all others who are seeking support and guidance. You have a great day as well...Sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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wife just told me she wants a Divorce...!!!! How did this happen!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
WHAT THE?!!
I just posted her and told her to hang in there, to talk to someone she knows and trusts asap, like her pastor or IC.
What type of conversation preceeded this comment? Don't try talking to her right now Sorry. She needs help, but not from you. Just encourage her to go talk to SOMEONE.
Don't get discouraged, it's just the rollercoaster going downhill, it'll head back up eventually. I'll be praying for both of you.
KJ
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~
Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH
Her = 33 FWW
DS 15
DD 11
DS 7
Discovery March 29, 2006
Recovery and proud of it!
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W just called me and read the e-mails I sent to OW 6 months ago!!! She got rid of the e-mails two weeks ago and so today she actually went onto by brothers e-mail account to retrieve them because when we were separated she sent them to his account for me to read. Today she actually went on line used my brothers password to get onto his account then some how retrieved them . I deleted them from the deleted section so she actually had to put time and effort into finding them! What the heck was she thinking...Why does she do this !!! I am trying so hard to build this marriage back up and she goes and tares it back down by re reading the e-mail...it is like living D-day all over again for her. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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IASS,
1. Red Rose, not carnation.
2. Be there holding it with glass of juice, coffee, her favorite morning drink.
3. Something triggered this, it's out of your control. Let it go and continue doing the right thing, good things.
4. Remember Do Not LB! Use the I would love it if, or I would feel great if, or I feel hurt when I see you hurting because of these terrible emails, etc...
5. When you are the one trying to rebuild the M, whether FWS or FBS, you have got to suck it up, continue to press forward, keep a happy face, and Plan A like a big dog. It is very tough, to quote many of the pro's around here, "Plan A is not for wimps!" It is very much worth it though.
6. I know it's tough, but it'll get better. You won't hear much mentioned here, but there is such a thing as BS fog. She may be going through it, also she may still have unresolved issues about the your A. She may still be experiencing trauma from D-Day or questioning her reasoning for staying. Be there for her, but watch for signs of what she wants and how she wants your support. Given the wroong way is almost as bad as ignoring her, maybe worse.
7. This is the "RollerCoaster Ride" everyone talks about, yours seems very scary today. Just keep your eyes peeled for signs and be still. She will get through it and so will you.
8. Most importantly "Breathe" you can do this, we all know you can and so do you.
Good luck and keep the faith! It will get better.
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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this is a dip in the coaster....i told you it was comming...i asked you to be prepared.....well as prepared as anyone can get. hun....we cant answer why---we all...bs's i mean, do this. you have no idea the thought process...i tried to explain it to you and how dark and life sucking it is....i am very sorry i was right.
listen, your wife sounds a lot like i was....that is why i came on. you mentioned i seemed to come out of nowhere to post to you...well i kinda did because of that reason...i saw myself in her depression. awhile ago i asked for your story....believe me it is not out of morbid curiosity...but out of wanting to help. finding the why will put alot of questions you probably have no idea are running through her head to rest for her. please....lets start unraveling this so we can help not only you but her....and the why is go......
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Dude,
You really need to listen to Nikko.
Let bygones be bygones and listen to her. Everyone here on this board can use all the help they can get. You've got some great help being offered here, please accept it.
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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i checked her postings and i didnt find anything that may have triggered this other than her lack of trust or knowing WHY??? (yeah, sometimes when we(BS's) are reading others posts we are triggered into doing dumb things like this....) you have to calm down...she has to go through it....all of it. her independance is sounding very familiar to me also....i suffered from that also..lol i have baseball in a bit so if i dont reply i will check back later when im home....for now stay calm....be the rock, but keep your frustrations to yourself and be very careful what you say. she may also be unconsciously...meaning not on purpose... testing your willingness to stay and recover. you have to understand she, whether consciously or unconsiously does not trust you and wont for a very long time. that is just how it is and the hardest thing a FWS can understand. she trusts nothing right now...not even herself....especially not herself...in her mind she let this happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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are you sure you didnt do anything to trigger this???? i dont mean it mean, but maybe there is something your not telling us?? there is always a trigger for this...im just trying to figure out what hers was....
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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her re-reading the e-mails to OW is what I think triggered it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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Do you realize the initials to your posting name are IASS?! Say it with me now, "I am an [censored]!" See how that works? So, when your wife gets home tonite, and is still in an awful place emotionally, just repeat to yourself, "I am an [censored]!"
Okay, you know I don't really believe you are an [censored], but what you (we) did was nothing short of acting like an [censored]. Agree?! You're gonna have to be humble for a while my friend. Bite your tongue if you feel the urge to counsel her, or give her your opinion about how she is feeling, or what she did today (reading the emails). Be humble. This too shall pass. Chin up.
Chant if you have to.... "I am an [censored], be humble. I am an [censored], be humble...."
KJ
P.S. Keep meeting her most important EN's, no matter what!!
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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I am, it appears that you did not make yourself available to your W when she needed you and she punished herself by reading those emails. I have done that many times when I am feeling the most down and insecure by what my H did. You MUST make her feel safe. #1 top priority for a FWS to do is make the BS feel safe. Got it? Now..next time she needs to vent or ask questions make yourself available. Don't tell her to talk to someone else..grrr. my H has done that. Do you not know that YOU are the only one she can really talk to about it? Do you know how awful that is? That she has to talk to the person who hurt her about what hurt her?
Be available to her and be humble when you go home tonight.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Thanks Eagle15, it works for me! Only my chant is, "You did this to him you mother f'er!"
KJ
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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[ Do you realize the initials to your posting name are IASS?! Say it with me now, "I am an [censored]!" See how that works? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> That is crazy...thanks for the deep insight!... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]...I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]...I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]...I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]...I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]...I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]...I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... I am an [censored]...I am an [censored]...Iam an [censored]... Well I just set my wife up for a half hour massage tonight at 6:30. I left her a message at work and told her I know she is working hard at work and then has to come home and work twice as hard on our marriage and I wanted to show my appreciation by giving her some time to relax and worry about nothing at all. I will work out the baby sitting arrangements since I have to work. I hope she accepts my gift. Thanks MB's for all your concern. Oh one thing eagle ...I am gonna stay away from the red rose idea because she knows OW's favorite flower was a red rose...
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You are right ...I screwed up!
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What's your wife's fav flower? What were the flowers in her wedding boquet? And in her bridesmaids boquets? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~
Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH
Her = 33 FWW
DS 15
DD 11
DS 7
Discovery March 29, 2006
Recovery and proud of it!
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