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Iam, go back and read the basic concepts again. The rules of Protection and Radical Honesty especially.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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IASS,
You should consider changing your signin name because your posts don't sound very sorry to me at all.
So, if you run me over with your truck, and I don't recover as FAST as you would like, the WAY that you like then you're going to get pi$$ed?
I honestly do not get your attitude AT ALL. This is so unhealthy for the both of you.
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Just wanted to chime in here and agree with KJ that some time away..just the two of you, could be just what you need right now. Even if it's just a weekend, doing whatever it is you can afford. About 3 weeks after D-day I went with H on his truck (he was an over the road driver at the time), it was far from what anyone could call a vacation, but I can honestly say that I think those two days alone were the beginning of true recovery for us and I think perhaps the beginning of the 'fog lifting' for him. I promised myself I wouldn't bring up the A and I didn't...this alone was a wonder because my whole waking life was shrouded in this mess we were in. I just told myself that for those two days I would just let it go, I knew there would be time later to get into discussion, and there sure was!
It was easy after a while though because H was able to relax, and I was able to just BE with him and remind myself (and him) why we loved each other to begin with..
I just think this is something you should both consider doing..and doing it soon!...Good luck and God Bless
Me - BS 44
Him - WS 45
3 month A..admitted to PA after 5 months of denial
D-day 12/25/05 .. Merry Christmas to me
Married 24 years
1 DS - 21
1 DD - 19
Recovering nicely
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Just for argument/debate... Quote:
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But I didn't hold a gun to her and make her do an Internet search for the OW picture . I Didn't make her go find e-mails(that we got rid of) from the OW that day she was down. And SHE didn't hold a gun to YOUR head to have an A. Iam, you are just NOT getting it. You are RIGHT no one held a gun to me and I was WRONG for having the A. So why don't you tell her she is wrong for what she is doing? Once again she gets immunity from doing anything wrong because I did the ultimate wrong by having an A! you are just NOT getting it I actually think I am...tell me if I am close...The BS can do anything and everything as long as they say "it will help me" even if they know it won't! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
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No, if you read her thread I did call her on her own behavior, HOWEVER you lost your right to do this right now. This is about you and your behavior. Now knock off the "but she did" behavior.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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The BS can do anything and everything as long as they say "it will help me" even if they know it won't! Which proves my point, IAM. You don't get it. You betrayed her. She is hurting, she is doubting her appeal, she is doubting her worth and you are worried about your lil ol self instead of crawling over broken glass to make up for it.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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You should consider changing your signin name because your posts don't sound very sorry to me at all. How does sickofyou1961 sound? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding so don't spend a half hour responding to that comment. I just couldn't resist So, if you run me over with your truck, and I don't recover as FAST as you would like, the WAY that you like then you're going to get pi$$ed? No I wouldn't get pi$$ed, but what would pi$$ me off is , if every time I got in my truck you laid under it looking to see how I ran you over KNOWING what the out come would be. Think about it... I jut ran you over, how much pain is gonna be cause by you bending over and laying on the ground with a broken body... and you laid under it anyways and said "it will help me understand how you did this to me"! If I ran you over with my truck why the heck would you get under it to see how I ran you over, chances are you are gonna get hurt again! So if I ever ran you over don't you think you would have a better chance of healing if you get inside the darn truck or lay under it to see exactly how it happened!! Get the picture buddy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> ****Not a very good analogy on you half <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> ****
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iam -
I give you credit for posting here and staying with us. Lots of FWS's never visit the site, or come for awhile and leave.
I know all of this can't be easy.
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I give you credit for posting here and staying with us Thanks, I want to be a better person, father and husband so I am here to stay. I know I can be a little narrow minded and sarcastic(see my last thread) but when it comes down to business I do my best to do exactly what Nikko, KJ and other sincere supporters tell me to do. I am here to learn. I am not always gonna agree with what I hear and I may not always like to do what I am being told to do but I like that I can voice my opinion without people (most MBs) judging me. I truly accept everyones opinion but there are a certain few I pay no mind to. Over all I am very pleased to be here . Thanks everyone for their concern! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
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Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Iam, something in your situation touched me that is why I continue to pound on you. If I didn't care or if anyone else didn't care you wouldn't have so many bruises. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Iam, something in your situation touched me that is why I continue to pound on you. If I didn't care or if anyone else didn't care you wouldn't have so many bruises. I guess this is what they mean by "tuff love" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
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Thank-you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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iam.....you wont find someone more compassionate than faithfull.....she knows of what she speaks. she has helped me along the way and i admire her for her strength. and i agree wholeheartedly with what she has said....i dont want to post right now cause i will definately offend you! i just didnt want to dissapear either. your thinking has to change.....what i said earlier...start concentrating on you and let her get her lumps from others.....now would be a good time.
just something i wanna throw out there...a week ago your worst nightmare was her leaving and divorcing you.....is that still your biggest fear...cause i gotta tell ya---i see you headed that way in the fast lane. all of a sudden her doing this is worse than ANYTHING.....i dont think so...loosing your family is worse than anything....and dont forget...yes this is gonna hurt....YOU are the sole owner of screwing that up.....i will be back...i have to take son to work and cool off some more......i really wanna throttle you!!!LOL
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Okay, no response to my vacation suggestion = back to "Sorry [censored]"!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Did you give it ANY thought/consideration? I'm not trying to win today's advice contest, but would really be proud of you if you could at least talk with your wife about this, and see if she too would consider taking a break, a vacation from MB'ing for a few days, up to a week. Get back to me AFTER you talk to your wife about this. Kapiesch?! (I have no idea how to spell that word.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> KJ
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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Did you give it ANY thought/consideration? Yes, that does sound like a good...No I mean a Great idea. I didn't approach her yet about it thats why I really didn't respond yet to your original post. O-kay "chop liver" ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Well tonight we have plans to see a Beauty and the Beast play but stupid me lost the tickets and have spent all day looking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I don't know how I lost them, it not like theres much going on in my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well now my plan is to try to buy new ones because I really want to do this and spend some alone time with her(no children) . Hey what did you think of my truck analogy earlier in the thread? I hope no one actually takes that too serious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Well I gotta go ...I gotta get the heck out of here before Nikko finds me and kicks my butt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />!! Talk to ya later , hope your weekend goes well...sorry was that too much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL
BS (me) 30
Ex-FWH (iamsosorry) 32
Married 1997
DD, 10; DD, 6
A - PA 10/8/05 - 11/23/05?? - will never know the whole truth!!
ILYBNILWY speech - 11/10/05 - the day before my Birthday.....Happy Birthday to me!
D-Day - 11/23/05 - Happy Thanksgiving to me!
D-Day 2 - 4/10/06 - Happy Easter to me! (First time I found out it wasn't a ONS as he's been telling us all)
Divorced - finalized 7/07
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Quote:
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Did you give it ANY thought/consideration?
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Yes, that does sound like a good...No I mean a Great idea. I didn't approach her yet about it thats why I really didn't respond yet to your original post. O-kay "chop liver" !
Well tonight we have plans to see a Beauty and the Beast play but stupid me lost the tickets and have spent all day looking. I don't know how I lost them, it not like theres much going on in my life. Well now my plan is to try to buy new ones because I really want to do this and spend some alone time with her(no children) . Hey what did you think of my truck analogy earlier in the thread? I hope no one actually takes that too serious. Well I gotta go ...I gotta get the heck out of here before Nikko finds me and kicks my butt !!
Talk to ya later , hope your weekend goes well...sorry was that too much LOL Oops I posted under my wifes name...didn't know she was logged in , I thought it was still under my logg in name... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
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its derby time...your on your own for a bit....lol
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Nikko said this was a good post that I had on your wife's thread, so I thought, if it was good enough for Nikko ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />), I'd send it to you too!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Sarah,
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I am not going to give up time with my friends b/c of a mistake he chose to make. I think everyone needs some time away from their spouses.
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If you've read Dr. Harley's books, you must have missed the part where he strongly recommends you and your H be each others primary recreational companions. Individual interests are fine, when your M is farther into recovery.
For now, you need to do as much as possible together, and I'm not just talking about recreational activities, I'm talking about grocery shopping, running kids to and from sporting events, gardening and other outside chores, etc. Don't you ever wonder what he's doing when you're not with him? Do you REALLY trust him not to call OW, go see her, email her, etc.? I know my H likes to go everywhere with me because his worst fear is me running into OM in public. I think I would handle this type of contact just fine, but that's not the point here. My H needs this reassurance, so I do it out of respect for him and the recovery of our M.
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My top need is family committment and he was giving that to me by being faithful and being a great father, so I would have done anything for him. That was all I needed
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No way. Impossible. You're a woman, and a human being. We ALL need more than one EN met by our spouse's. If you believe this, you are sorely mistaken.
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As far as telling me I'm pretty, I never needed that either. What upset me about all of this is that he gave it to OW and never gave it to me, so I know he was capable of doing it and of course, any girl would like it. I just never needed it, but just didn't think that was the type of person he was. I wasn't that way either so it didn't matter to me.
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I lost count the number of times you contradicted yourself in this statement. Can you see it? You never needed to be told you were pretty, yet it pisses you off to no end that the OW is pretty. If it were never important to you, you would not be feeling sad right now about the fact your H told the OW she was pretty! Am I the only one seeing this here? "And of course any girl would like it." Yep, even you, little miss independent.
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I wasn't that way either so it didn't matter to me.
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I think if you're honest with yourself, you've just realized that perhaps affection (this includes compliments about your appearance) from your spouse IS important to you. I am incredibly independent myself, but I don't see where that has anything to do with enjoying compliments from my H.
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he was still filling my # 1 EN which was family commitment, so I saw past it. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing
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Bad thing. Again, you're kidding yourself if you believe getting your primary EN met is enough to make a marriage complete. Family Committment is my #1 EN too, but look where my #2 EN (affection) landed me!!
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Their M is headed downhill fast, and I believe SH could create a diversion to this hill.
Can you tell me why you think this?
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Yep. Neither of you are being honest with YOURSELVES. I know both of you have heard a ton about being honest to each other, but you're overlooking this HUGE need, to look inside yourselves and be able to be open and honest with your own feelings and perceptions. Forget for a minute who you were before the A. Think about who you are now, and how the A changed you. If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll find that you've already made changes that are going to make your marriage better than it was pre-A. And that's my next point. Your M wasn't so great pre-A. Your PERCEPTION of your M might have been just fine, but you weren't being honest with yourself then either. You had needs pre-A, you have needs now, and FC alone ain't gonna cut the mustard.
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I think the main problem with my H is that he doesn't understand the devastation the D-day 2 had on me.
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You're more than likely dead on about this. That's where SH can come in to help. He has an incredible ability to help the WS realize the enormity of what they have done. More importantly, he shows the WS how to show the BS what they understand about the pain and devastation they have caused. Knowing things is one thing, knowing how to fix things is a whole 'nother ball game. No offense, but neither of you have this part down yet, and you need help getting there.
If you seek SH's assistance, you will end up like SO many people here. You will hate yourself for spending so much time being in so much pain, causing your spouse so much pain, when all you had to do was reach out to SH for help. How do I know this? Well, let me just say this first. I do not want what I'm about to say sound like I'm bragging, okay? I just want to prove this point. You have been in recovery since November. My H and I have been in recovery since 3/1/06. We are MUCH further along in our recovery than you and your H. Gosh, I'm really sorry for the way that sounds, but please believe me, I only wanted to make that point. The Harley's are a gift from God, use them.
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he was upset b/c I looked up the picture
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No, not exactly. He was upset because he saw this as another attempt by you to keep from making progress in the recovery of your M. Sounds like you interpreted this event much differently than your H did. Probably should talk about it with him again.
If any of what I've said here sounds like I'm defending your H, I do apologize. I will never do that, because I do understand that the WS is responsible for the PRESENT condition of the marriage. I believe both spouses are responsible for the FUTURE of their marriage. That's why I continue to post to both of you, 'cuz that's the ultimate goal, to have a future with your H.
I really gotta shut up now, man, what a chatter box I am today! Please know, I am in the ring with you and your H. We just need to get you both into the center of the ring, rather than hanging out in your own corners.
Take care and God bless,
KJ
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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kari---this is just a suggestion.....please dont be offended....:) are they reading each others posts or have they agreed to stay away from each others posts...im not sure but i got the impression they werent reading each others posts.....if not you shouldnt post stuff from one thread to another....it is her job to share those thoughts with him if she hasnt....and again i dont know that she hasnt, or if they have an agreement not to read each others posts...but they may each need a "safe" place to say things without the other reading....:( if they are reading each others posts fine...if not we have to all be very careful what we bring over from both threads. i'm sorry....it really was a great post....to his wife. lets not accidentally take away any safety to be honest either of them needs....
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Depression
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