I got a tattoo of my wedding ring put on my ring finger. I am still going to wear my wedding ring but I just wanted to have that done to represent my commitment to my wife. I also wanted her to know that I have been open and honest about everything she has asked and hopefully the tattoo will show her I am not hiding anything else. I wouldn't get it if I thought she might leave me for not being totally honest with her. I know I have been and I know there is nothing else for her to worry about so for me to put a tattoo on my finger was not a risky decision. I know we are gonna make it and I have faith God will see us thru this. I love my wife and like I tell her there isn't anything I won't do to prove my love to her. Except maybe put the word "happily married " across my forehead! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well other than that things have been going o-kay. We still have our moments everyday where she needs to let off some steam but I have been doing my best to just be supportive and realize it is her way of telling me she is hurting. I have been trying to get her to filter some of her questions. Lately her questions have been starting with "what were you thinking when..." . There not even direct questions , it seem like more of a curiosity phase now. So I politely asked her to try to write her questions down and look them over and if she really feels she needs a question answered I will answer it but if she looks back on it a few hours later and realizes it really isn't important than let it go. I just think we need to set up some kind of structure and not just throw questions out there when they pop in her head. Last Friday we were out eating dinner with the kids and she just started throwing questions at me. Our 8 year old said " mommy stop asking daddy question !" . Well lets just say I had to leave the table for about 10 minutes and come back. I also wake up to questions, Go to bed with questions, drive in the car with questions. It's questions anytime ,anywhere. I just want there to be more of a structure , For everyones sake, so when we are out to dinner we can get thru a dinner with out questions. Any one have any suggestions on a standard or should I just continue to answer questions anytime anywhere?

Hope everyone was able to put there problems aside on Sunday and enjoy a Happy Mothers Day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your alive...YEAH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I haven't heard from you in a while. I was beginning to wonder if I should send out a search party for a "Missing MB" . Well now that I know you are alive ...don't be afraid to stop by and give some feedback!

Dear Sorry [censored], <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am still not wanting to make posts to your thread (you know this isn't a personal issue), but I'll admit, I check in from time to time. I'm posting only in Recovery now, and receiving much more insight and helpful advice.

You are making progress, I can tell. Slow, but steady progress. I think of you and CO frequently, and pray you will make it through this murky swamp called recovery.

Keep up the good work fella, and God bless,

KJ

sorry---no you shouldnt be having these talks anywhere near the kids...period. as far as suggesting something else....you have to ask her if she will work on it...but ultimately she gets to say what she needs from this....just NOT in front of the kids. i think she will calm down with the questions shortly or you will work out a better way to do the questions....
it gets better......slowly

Maybe someone should tell her that because she sure won't listen to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well last night was a bad night. She was telling me she hates her life, she hates where she is , she doesn't know if she even wants to be with me. I am not sure if this is just another dip in the roller coaster but last night she asked me for the user name and password to my e-mail at my old job which I haven't been to in over 3 months. She said she wanted to check it to see if I am still lying to her about what the OW and I did during our two meetings. She also wants to see if I talked bad about her to other women and if I did she is leaving me. I am so sick of her looking for a reason to pull the divorce trigger. I know she wants to leave me but won't because she told her friends,family, and our pastor that she asked me to come back home to keep our family together and she was gonna do what ever she had to to work our marriage out. So now if she were to just give up or quit I guess it would make her look like the quitter. It would contradict everything she boasted about when she brought me back home. I asked her last night if she sincerely wants to be with me and work this out. She said she didn't know. She has been walking the tightrope for a while now and I told her for the sake of the kids , me and her figure out what you want she wants. I wanna know if I am fighting for a lost cause. If she doesn't want to be with me then there is nothing I can do to change that. She has to want to be with me if there is to be any hope in restoring our marriage. I am starting to lose faith in her... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Sorry,

Okay, I know I promised to stay away, but so did Nikko at one time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way by others, but I know you won't take it wrong when I offer you a hug ((((((sorry)))))). Man, you have been struggling. Your wife has been in a horrible place for some time now, without much reprieve. I just feel so helpless to either of you. At this time, all I can offer is support. I pray you continue to stick it out with your wife, even if she says she wants to call it quits. To me, BS's sort of have their own version of "fogspeak", or maybe it's an ongoing state of shock, I don't know. Hopefully her questions will ease up soon (they'll never go away entirely), especially in front of your kiddos.

Hang in there fella, I'm pulling for ya!!

KJ

Hi Sorry,

What is the status on the counseling y'all were pursuing? This should be weekly without fail. Have you and her started yet? I know you were going to start by going seperatley. Has this started yet? If not, WHY???

Glad

warned you about the coaster......lol

she doesnt post much....i havent seen her thread in a bit...i tend to try to stick with one poster of a couple as to NOT get caught in the middle....KWIM??

i will see if i can get her help but its hard to help someone who doesnt post that much...people lose the thread.

what she is feeling is normal and all part of it....believe me...you want her to get it ALL out.....if she hangs on to any of the anger or resentment it will eat her like a cancer. i did, i think, suggest that she not use the divorce threat unless she was at the courthouse with papers in hand....i just want you to know that it takes years to heal this.....

Thanks...that was nice!

It has been a tough week. Thanks for posting and showing your concern. I also ask that you continue to pray for us and especially for my W as she just can't let go the anger and it is eating her up alive. I told her this morning that I hurt her 6 months ago and she has to face it and stop letting it consume her. I told her she doesn't have to be this way. I can't help her ...she has to wanna move on from it but it is so hard for her and I know that. I know it isn't as easy as waking up one morning and saying "o-kay , I am gonna move on" . I told her that she is too beautiful of a person to walk around sad. Then I gave her a big hug!

Well I have an appt. this Wednesday with the MC, I met with my pastor yesterday and I have been going to a mens support group every Tuesday(for my selfishness) and all that has been with out my wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She doesn't want to go to the MC because she said I am the one who needs it not her. The pastor ask me yesterday to tell my wife that he would like to just sit down and talk with her and when I told her this she said "no thanks I don't want to talk to anyone." I am doing all I can. I can't make her go to counseling or meet with the pastor. The pastor made me feel good by letting me know that God is looking down and smiling upon me for all the effort I am making to restore the marriage. He thinks my W if avoiding MC , him , and her own family because now that I am doing all I can to restore the M the spot light has moved from me and the A to her. He said before all the focus was on me and what I should be doing and now that I am doing it the focus is now on her and she is trying to avoid that. He said she doesn't want to face the facts and truth about herself. So she is really depressed and still trying to find things about the A from 6 months ago tho put the spotlight back on me. He said there will come a time when she will realize she is gonna have to take a stand and do her part and get in a support group and go to a MC. She is running from that because the MC/pastor will want to focus on her and how she can get better, so she can get back to being a good mother and wife. But like he said he said she does not want the focus to be on her. That is also probably the reason why she hasn't been on the forum lately. According to Nikko she has not posted lately. Well I will continue to do my part as best I can and have faith that she will face the reality of what needs to be done on her part to make this recovery successful.

I am starting to get motion sickness from all these ups and downs... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Actually..she's right on schedule.

Brace yourself for the crescendo. It usually begins at about 6 mos.

See..some of the initial shock is beginning to wear off. That lovely numbness is going with it.

She has up to this point been happily in the land of not coping..now reality is beginning to seep in..some of the crisis is abated..and there is work to be done.

And ..she doesn't know if you are worth it.

All of this pain and sadness and grief..you did this..intentionally.

So..she'll have her own fantasies for awhile [although those won't REALLY kick in for a few more months probably] about leaving you. She may even make a "decision" to do this.

Basically..you get a little taste of your own medicine..because the best description of a BS in this period of time..is a WS.

It's your turn to be the bullet sponge. Your turn to be sick with fear and doubt. Your turn to have a spouse look at you from an extremely harsh and critical perspective..and find you wanting. Your turn to WATCH your wife look at other men and see possibilities..and you'll have the added benefit of KNOWING that this is what she's doing.

The answer? Basically you plan A your BS [as ridiculous as that may seem] until she comes out of her own fog.

If you are really fortunate..she won't take that final step and engage in an affair of her own..but I wouldn't dismiss the idea either. It's REALLY tempting and REALLY common. It may even be easier for her than it was for you..because you have already desecrated the marriage vows. They have been broken..she may no longer feel required to be faithfull to you. Just look at the sig lines..how many say BS/FWS?

In many cultures an interesting life is considered a curse not a blessing. Things are going to be VERY interesting for you both in the next several years.

You're going to need to expand your timetable into years/decades rather than months.

you told her this.....



what she heard is......

GET OVER IT ALLREADY!!!!

i know thats not what you meant, cause you couldnt be that dense.....but that, i bet, is what it sounds like to her.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i heard it many times myself.....sucks. she is going to go through a long period of..."is he worth it?" you have to stop telling her how to get better.....you have no idea what she feels. the devastation is unfathomable.

Ditto - Nikko - saved me the typing.

PS IASS - stop being so self righteous - or you might make yourself vomit if you have a moment out of the fog and catch sight of yourself in the mirror of your soul. Work on you - leave her alone - you are NOT Dr. Harley.

SP

Hi sorry,

I know it seems like confusing advice, but it is true that you have to let go of what she is doing, how she is responding/acting/feeling. It is completely within her to work that out.

Your role is specifically to provide a "safe" environment for her to do that. Do what you are doing--minus the helping her work on her. Does that make sense?

You can only control you, so control yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Stay steady, listen, care, show remorse.

You do not need to be a punching bag though, but you need to have a proper response when she wants you to be a punching bag. For me, I just couldn't hear enough times "I love you and I hate that you are hurting so much. I'm sorry, what do you need from me right now?"

She needs to get this anger out of her system without adding anymore fuel. It sounds to me like when she is blasting out her anger you may be adding fuel by trying to point out to her what she is doing wrong with expressing her anger, or trying to talk her out of her anger. This just adds more anger to an angry person. When there is no more fuel eventually the anger will burn out.

I know it doesn't seem "fair" to take when you feel like you are working so hard one-sidedly on trying to recover the M, but I have to agree with other posters that it isn't "fair" that she has to face staying in and working to recover her M from an A either. And during your "I don't love you" time before the A was revealed she felt she was trying to win you back and the A discovery was just a big slap in the face to her efforts and then the lying.

She has been through a lot man! You are working so hard now, I know. But that does not mean that she has to be exactly where you are at right now. This may not sit well with you to hear, but She has earned the right to be a miserable person to live with right now!

Eventually, if she doesn't get over this anger, it will eat her alive like a cancer, I think it is getting to that point now. Please let her get it out without any adding fuel. Don't "counsel" her.

I worry about her not getting to a place where the anger no longer grips her so tightly. Wrap that up in depression and she is one messy gal. I lived that and it is devastating. I want her to heal. Eventually the BS can become their own worst enemy in recovery.

I will stop talking now so my main message does not get lost in all my ramblings. Hang in there sorry. I want you two to get "there"!

Blessings,
Glad

From Survivng an affair - talking about WS thinking the other should not be angry or upset - telling her she is wrong and needs to go to counselling etc.

Read it IASS ....

SAA
Have you ever tried to “straighten out” someone? We’re all occasionally tempted to do it. We usually think we’re doing that person a big favor, lifting him or her from the darkness of confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If people would only follow our advice, we assume, they could avoid many of life’s pitfalls. But if you ever try to straighten out your spouse, to keep him or her from making mistakes, you are making a much bigger mistake. I call it a disrespectful judgment, and your disrespectful judgment withdraws love units, destroying love.


A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else.

A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he’s just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided—and tells him so she enters a minefield. Trouble starts when you think you have the right even the responsibility to impose your view on your spouse. Almost invariably, he or she will regard such imposition as personally threaten-ing, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That’s when you lose love units in your spouse’s Love Bank.

Linda This is where you are IASS ....


SAA
When you try to impose your opinions on your spouse, you imply that he or she has poor judgment. That’s disrespectful. You may not say this in so many words, but it’s the clear message that your spouse hears. If you value your spouse’s judgment, you won’t be so quick to discard his or her opinions. You will consider the possibility that your spouse may be right and you wrong.


Linda

Hi Sorry,

Are you still working hard up there?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Glad

YEP! I am doing everything I can . I met with my pastor last week , I went to the mens support group last night, and today I go to the MC (alone) at 2:00est. I am doing everything I can to fulfill her EN's. Thank you for checking up on me. It's good to know I am being accountable for my actions. I am gonna continue to work hard to get back all the things I lost and during this process I am hopefully gonna find out more things about myself that I can take with me to better me.

You cannot do MC alone - you are in individual counselling. MC alone is called divorce counselling. IC is to strengthen you and develop your skills. is you IC pro marriage - are they well versed in MB?

How does their advice contrast or concur with MB, or are they strictly ethical and only deal with you and your responses?

Keep at it and look into yourself - dig until you know what made it alright to have an A and lie about it. Where in your life did you develop such a sense of entitlement? Use this time while CO is marking time, to go forward in your own self discovery and stop telling her what to do.

Linda

Hey buddy, whassup?!

Can ya give me a brief recap of current events in your life? I'm sincerely concerned for you and your wife, you know that. I have been busy having miserable times of my own. Call it selfish, I may just need another WS's support right now.

Peace,

KJ