ahhhhhhh

I now see where this is going

to me Star ... it is more parallel to the issue of conflict avoiding

blind trust, for me, was turning a blind eye to problems I did not want to address, so I pretended the problem did not exist .... and I called my conflict avoiding by a nice name ~~~> "I trust my husband" <~~~ which allowed me to feel like a "good wife" .... rather than a conflict avoider, which I was ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

does this help ?

Pep

I think this is a really smart comment:



it reminds me of how I must function at work if I am to be effective

for example

when I ask if a woman might be pregnant ... and she answers "no" ... I will often run a pregnancy test anyway ... coz blind trust in this area is for chumps who don't mind missing a pregnancy and getting hit with a malpractice suit ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Pep,

Thanks for all your comments!! I like your "take" on this. I think my mistake right from the start was using a poll at all!! I should have just asked for other perspectives about trust to see if the folks here had different insight after infidelity than the folks on EN who didn't....which is what I was really interested in....a more comprehensive look at issue from more angles.

You'd think I'd get on the learning curve <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />....because polls on this board historically, (mine especially LOL), have flaws and problems and rarely create any semblance of conclusive results. I just think they're more "fun" sometimes....err well I did LOL....but in the future, I'll limit myself to answering them rather than crafting them because I'm obviously batting out of my league as pollster. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, to all of the above.

Mel is right that it was my bad "choice", which is what I've been working on, as well as digging out from under, for the past 5 years! I guess you could call it "the wreckage of my past"...

I agree with Pep about conflict avoidance, but what is that? Bottom line for me it was fear. I really didn't want to believe he was having an A - because I interpreted that to mean I was undesirable and because I'd defended my choice of this recovering (I thought) alcholic/addict to family and friends and didn't want to look stupid or be a failure. And because we owned a business together and I was afraid of leaving and starting over or staying and running it alone.

These were all my buttons that I allowed him to push because I was really terrified of them. So it was easier for a long time to believe his lies and accept the blame he projected onto me than to face the truth.

Comfortably Numb,

Somehow I missed your earlier post:


Ya think? Yikes....Is there an echo in here? hehehehe I've been saying it was just an "opinion" from the start LOL...on every page. It was other folks who said I had to prove my "theory". And IF I had a theory that I wanted to prove....even as "poll-challenged" as I am....even I know there's nothing scientific or conclusive about any of this. Maybe I should feel insulted LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />....I've been called stubborn before....but not usually stupid. I thought a poll would be fun....what did I know?

As for "causality" issue....absolutely not, I'm not seeking to show a causal link between trust and infidelity (that would be....nonsensical and a little nauseating). I said "blind trust is for chumps"....not "blind trust causes infidelity". It might help a WS to fly under the radar, and might help the BS stay in denial or avoid conflict as Pep suggests....but there is no causal relationship.

I was seeking different perspectives on how we view trust (is trust always good?...or can completely trusting someone put you at serious risk under certain circumstances...like fighting infidelity?), and whether there is any value in witholding some trust?....or having a healthy amount of mistrust? (like you do about your wife's shopping) Of course I was interested in how that relates to good boundaries to help prevent infidelity....but your shopping example is a really good one! I'm advocating trust....as in trust yourself and trust your instincts rather than placing trust entirely in someone else's ability (even your spouse) to completely protect you in all circumstances. I'm advocating using good marital boundaries instead of "solely" trust to protect marriages including the MB strategies like the POJA, UA, Honesty, RC.

Somehow that keeps getting a bit lost in all the poll policing....but I hope it's clearer now.

LetStry,

Yeah....I understand about the "fear". I wrote a long post about fear recently....and I think it paralyzes so many BSs who know the truth but can't face it. Sounds like you finally did though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

taking a poll about polls single choice
	yes Starfish* ought to practice writing more polls
	yes Starfish* ought to practive answering more polls
	yes pepperband ought to stop pestering Starfish*
Votes accepted starting: 04/21/06 08:33 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

practice spelling BEFORE you write the poll is MY advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

because it is dayum hard to edit a poll

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />