May 7th

Feelings

What you know in your head will not sustain you in moments of crisis... confidence comes from body awareness, knowing what you feel in the moment.
Marion Woodman

We live in a culture that worships logical, rational, linear thought pricesses and disdains and ignores feelings. Feelings are seen as uncontrollable, dangerous and unnecessary.
Yet it is our feelings that make us human. Our feelings warn us of danger. If we are out of touch with them, we may miss danger signals.
It is our feelings, not our minds, that tell us when someone is lying to us. When we are being lied to, we feel it right in our solar plexus. We need our feelings to help us deal with the world.



My feelings are a gift. I am lucky to have such a range of them.

Anne Wilson SchaefMay 7th

May 8th

Being present to the moment

She would greet us pleasantly, and immediately she seemed to surround the chaotic atmosphere of morning strife with something of order, of efficient and quiet uniformity, so that one had the feeling that life was small and curiously ordered.

Meridel LeSueur


Whew! Isn't it a relief to know that there aee people in the world who are so present to the moemt that when they enter a chaotic atmosphere they create calm? This calm is not born of control or manipulation. Thsi calm is born of presence.
Only a person who is present ti herself carries a feeling of serenity with her. As we work the Twelve Step Program, we begin to experience this kind of serenity for ourselves.



Order that comes out of control is full of tension. Order taht comes out of rigidity is full of strife. Order that comes out of serenity is peaceful.

Anne Wilson Schaef

may 9

busyness/loneliness

You can get lonely - being that busy.
Isabel Lennart

Workaholics are lonely people. Our work is like a jealous lover. It demands more and more of us. We see ourselves becoming progressively isolated from those who are important to us. We schedule two weeks in advance so that we can keep up social contact with friends and then have to break or postpone these lunches because "something has come up". We get "antsy" if we are interrupted; we get irritable if someone stops by to talk because we want to get back to our work. We often don't know we arelonely because we don't top long enough to let ourselves know what we are feeling.

It is good to be productive, and busyness is no substitute for intimacy.

Anne Wilson Schaef

May 10th

Intimacy

So instant intimacy was too often followed by disillusion

May Sarton

We live in an age of instant dinners, instant success, and instant intimacy. We expect ourselves to meet someone and know immediately that we were meant for each other. After all, in our busy lives we don't have the time for long, drawn out courtships.
Instant intimacy is one of the characteristics of addictive relationships. In fact, when recovering women experience a bit of instant intimacy, they have learned to run for the hills. This kind of instant connection usually does not wear well.
Intimacy takes time. It is a process. It needs to be fed, valued, nurtured, and allowed to grow. When we try to maniulate intimacy, we kill it. In fact, we often use instant intimacy to avoid the possibility of real intimacy.

Intimacy takes time. If I don't have time, I probably won't have intimacy.

Anne Wilson Schaef

May 11th

Anguish

Each woman is being made to feel it is her own cross to bear if she can't be the perfect clone of the male superman and the perfect clone of the feminine mystique.

Betty Friedan

No wonder we sometimes find ourselves filled with anguish. There is just too much to do. Too many demands are made upon us. We are asked to be too many people - some of whom we are and some of whom we are not. Anguish is probably a normal response to such a situation.
Luckily, we do not have to stop with anguish. It is important to feel our anguish, go through it, and move on. One of the ways we stay stuck is to blockour feelings and refuse to admit them. Sometimes life presents us with vises, put us in them, and screws them tight. Then we find that as we let ourselves feel our feelings of hurt and anguish, we can move on.


A vise is something like a girdle: we can step out of it.


May 12th
Love
I wish I'd a knowed more people. I would 've loved 'em all. If I'd knowe more, I woulda loved more.
Toni Morrison


We all have an infinite capacity for loving. Sometimes we get confused about loving, and we start thinking that we have only so much to go around. We start thinking in zero-sum terms. We believe that we only have so much love and if we give some away, we have that much less. We start parceling out our love like we pay the bills at the end of the month. We meet all of our "love obligations," and we try to keep a little bit in savings, just in case of an emergency.Controlled love is not loving. Obligatory love is not loving. Love is something that flows out of deep sense of loving ourselves. It is not possible to love another if we don't know and love ourselves.
When we love ourselves, tehre is no limit to the amount of love we can share. But loving can never be manufactured because we should, need to, or want to get something in return. Love is an energy that is shared because we have it.

Loving the people I know allows me to know the people I love

Anne Wilson Schaef

Thanks,
Still reading - thinking about your situation.

I hope I didn't ask too much too quickly.

SS

May 13th

Parenting

The thing about having a baby is that thereafter you have it.

Jean Kerr
What a shock! Our children do not always fit into our fantasies. They do not always provide us with the "perfect little family". They do not always fit in with our schemes and plans. And the worst thing about them is that we simply cannot get them shaped up the way we want them and expect them to stay that way.
When we give birth to a child, we give birth to a process that continues in one form or another for the rest of our lives. Somehow, we seemed to have missed the concept that parenting is an intimate interactive process that continues.



When we stop trying tomake ou children fit our fantasies of sho they should be, we can begin to see who they are!

May 14

Responsibility/Guilt

If you believe you are to blame for everything that goes wrong, you are going to stay until you fix it.
Susan Forward

We women who do too much are responsible. That is one of our great virtues, or so we think. We are willing to take accountability and blame for everything. When something happens at work, it must be our fault. If our relationships fail, we must have done something wrong. If our children have difficulties, we are to blame. Guilt and blame are old familiar friends. It is inconceivable to us that we did not cause ... whatever. This is one form of our self-centeredness. We put ourselves right squarely in the middle of any disaster. Of course, the other side of teh dualism is to be totally blameless and a victim. We bounce back and forward between the two.
What a difference it is to move into responsibility, a place where accountibility and blame have no meaning and our ability to respond is the key.



My ability to respond is hampered by accountability and blame.

Anne Wilson Schaef

may 15th
Anger

I am a woman in the prime of life, with certain powers and those powers severely limited by authorities whose faces I rarely see

Adrienne Rich

It is time. As women we have been limits as to what we can do, say, think, and feel. Some of us hate to admit it. Yet, down deep we know that there are many forces that limit our lives, forces over which we have little power. Only a person with no feelings and no awareness would not feel the smolder of anger, even rage, deep inside at times.
It seems that we, as women, have only had two options - to go along with the authorities and thus support them, or to fight them and thus support them. Either way we lose.
Fortunately, there is a third option. We can be ourselves. We can see what is important for us and do it. In order for us to exercise this third option, we may have to go through our anger first.



When we respect our anger and deal with it, we discover doors that were not obvious before.

Anne Wilson Schaef

May 16th


Asking for help


Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Erica Jong


Right! usually when we ask for advice, it is because we are already aware of the answer within us, and we do not want to heed our inner knowing. Let someone else take the rap.

Also, when we ask for advice, there is a part of us just daring anyone to give it. When they do, it takes the pressure off of us, even when we know it will not work and we will secretly reject it.
Asking for help, on the other and, is a completely different matter. Most women who do too much have great difficulty asking for help. We usually can do it ourselves, whatever "it" is, and are more comfortable doing it ourselves. We can give orders and tell others to do what needs to be done. We can organize and supervise. We have learned many ways of getting help without asking for it and without admitting we need it. Yet, there is something infinitely more honest in asking for help when we need it.

Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates and advanced level of honesty and intelligence.

May 17th
Awareness

I felt like I was in a fog. I knew that I was desperately searching for something of great importance, the loss of which was life-threatening, but I couldn't see clearly. Judy Ness


Wwe keep ourselves so busy and so overworked that we do not have time to see that we are in a fog and searching for something of great importance.

We look to our work, our money, or our families to fulfill us, and all these "solutions" fail miserably.
Even if we are successful, when we stop long enough we are aware of a feeling of loneliness and emptiness. We have failed to realize that nothing from outside can really fill us up and that the person we really long to find is ourselves. Not having ourselves and not being in touch with ourselves is life-threatening. When we leave ourselves, we are more vulnerable to outside influences and less aware of what we really need.
How exciting it is to begin to see the fog lift and to know that for which we so desperately search has been there within us all the time.

What I am looking for is not "out there". It is in me. It is me.


May 18th
One day at a time/Trust/Control
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

Agnes de Mille

How arrogant and ignorant of us to believe that we can do anything but live one day at a time! We are so deluded by our illusion of control that we really believe that we can control the future, make things happen the way we want and completely control our lives. When we do this, we cease living.
Living fully is living a life of faith. We do our footwork, make our plans, and then let go. Living fully is taking a leap of faith and, before our feet are squarely on the ground, leaping again. When we think we have things undercontrol, we "begin to die a little."



It takes a lot of faith to live one day at a time, and the alternatives don't look that inviting.



May 19th

Unworthiness/choices

The strongest lesson my mother gave me is that you are not worthwhile if you are not doing. Ferrand

Addiction to work is not something that crops up suddenly in mid-life.The seeds have often been sown in our chldhoods, and we are only living out the rules and expectations that our parents instilled in us.
How many of our parents really believed that idleness is the devil's workshop and that if they did not keep us constantly busy, there was no telling what we would get into? How many of us are really afraid of idle, quiet time when nothing is on the schedule?
One mayor of a large midwest city publicly stated that if he looked at his calendar and tuesday night was free, he immediately thought that his staff had goofed. He also stated that his workaholism had ruined his marriage and his health.

Isn't it exciting to know that we do not have to live out our childhood messages? As adults, we have choices.


May 20th
Being present to the moment

Nobility of character manifests itself at loopholes when it is not provided with large doors.

Mary Wilkins Freeman

Opportunities do not always come at the time or in the form we had hoped. Instead of blinding flashes of light, they are often still small voices that whisper to us in unexpected moments.
Our potential for greatness is linked with our ability to be present to the moment. Noticing may be one of the most important skills we have. When we are present to notice a small, obscure opportunity, we may discover that we have taken a major turn on the path of our life.

Anybody can walk through a wide-open door. I hope for the nobility of character to see the loophole.


May 21st
Conflict

It's better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life.

Elizabeth Henry


Conflict is inevitable in our lives. We feel conflicted over a choice we must make, and the conflict is within. We feel strongly about the way a business decision must go, and we are in conflict with our peers.
Some of us believe that there are only two options when conflict arises. We must either roar like a lion and impose our will or back off like a sheep and give in (and subtly try to impose our will). Neither choice has much to say for it.
Thank goodness we have another option. We can check out what is going on inside of us. We can listen to what others are saying. We can get clear with ourselves and see what we have to learn.

Conflict is inevitable. Fighting is a choice.



May 22nd.

Connectedness/Confusion/loneliness

Women who set a low value on themselves make life hard for all women.
Nellie McClung.

As women we have a special connectedness with each other. We have been raised to be competitive with other women and to see them as enemies and competitors. We have also been raised to see female as inferior and told that if we wanted to get ahead, we needed to identify with men and either become like them or be what they wanted us to be, It has all been very confusing. Frequently, we have felt alone and isolated.

A major factor in our healing has been to recognize that we are women and to seek connectedness with other women. We find ourselves reflected in their stories, and our loneliness changes to connectedness.

I am not alone. Other women share my experiences. Healing and connectedness are the same.


May 23rd
Control/arrogance

The passion for setting people right is in itself an afflictive disease.
Marianne Moore.

Women who do too much often think that it is our job to set others right. After much gathering of information and acquisition of knowledge, we really have come to believe that we can and do know what is best for other people. Since we know what is best, we have no difficulty sharing this important information with any who will - or sometimes even will not - listen. Some of us even get paid for knowing what is best for others and setting them right.

Ugh, it doesn't look so good on paper, does it?



Perhaps today would be a good day to look at my arrogance. Benevolent arrogance is still arrogance.


Anne Wilson Schaef

May 24th

Hopes and dreams

As long as we think dugout canoes are the only possibility - all that is real or can be real - we will never see the ship, we will never feel the wind blow. Sonia Johnson

Women who do to much have grown afraid to dream. We know how to lust - after power, after money, after security, after relationships - butwe have forgotten how to dream.
Dreaming is not limited to the unreal. Dreaming is stretching the real beyond the limts of the present. Dreaming is not being bound by the merely possible. Dreaming is not safe for our illusion of control and it is infinitely safe for our soul.
When we deprive ourselves of our hopes and dreams, we relegate ourselves to keeping our eyes to teh ground, carefully calculating every step, and missing the pictures in teh clouds and the double rainbows.


To hope and to dream is not to ignore the practical. It is to dress it in colors and rainbows.

CC,
This last (may 24) is what I was trying to communicate when I encouraged you to dream about your future. I didn't do nearly as good a job of it.

Wish for it, believe it, look for it. But don't wait for it. Instead go out and make it happen.

SS

I can assure you I am trying!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I dream every way there is, awake, asleep, whatever....

SS,
Some of my dreams I can't go out and make happen. Unfortunately that's the situation with most of my present dreams, but I hope to find some others I can make happen soon. Patience.

Patience is what I'm learning. God gives us answers in HIS own time. I'm learning patience and it has been a very rewarding experience.

When I first came on MB and read it might take 2 years to get to the end of the infidelity experience, I nearly cosed the page never to come back!
When Dr. H wrote to me to wait 2 years, I thought "no way" !
I even contemplated calling the lawyer about divorce several times, but never did.
Now I've learned patience... God answers, in His own way. I trust.

I have infinitely more things to thank Him for than to ask for.

I realize you can't heal your marriage on your own. This is an important dream, I hope it doesn't sound like I am making light of that.

Would you prefer to let the other thread go, and use this one? I was wondering if this was mostly for your thoughts and if I ought to bring up the other one for talking to you.

Your choice.

You sound happy lately. Is it because you have been traveling, or are you just doing better overall?

SS

SS we better take it over to the other thread

May 25th

Healing

The human heart does not stay away too long from that which hurt it most. There is a return journey to anguish that few of us are released from making
Lilian Smith


Those hurts and pains that we experience in childhood don't just magically evaporate as we grow older. They rumble around in us, and when we have reached a level of strength, maturity, insight, and awareness to handle them, they come up to be worked through.This is one of the ways our inner being is loving to us. It gives us every opportunity when we are strong enough to handle it.
Frequently, as children, we have experiences that we simply aren't strong enough to handle without a lot of support and help, and often that support is absent. So we push them down and we wait. When we are ready, they come back up. This gives us the chance to work through these old anguishes when we have what we need for this task.



When I am ready, I will have the opportunity to make these journeys to old hurts with the knowledge that I can heal them and move on.

Anne Wilson Schaef

May 26th

Living life fully

And reach for our lives... for all life... deep into the cosmos that is our own souls.
Sonia Johnson

Each of us is a cosmos unto ourselves. When we are living our lives fully, we are separate persons, and we are also one with the universe. We are ourselves with our boundaries, and we are also connected with all things.
Luckily, we are not really asked to live any one else's life. All we have to do is live our own, and that seems to be quite enough for us.
When we live life fully, we allow ourselves to taste the range of our experiences. We see what we see, feel what we feel, and know what we know. e accept every opportunity to live out of our own souls.



Luckily living life fully is not a task.It is an opportunity.

Anne Wilson Schaef

You were writing about dreams and I know you meant life dreams not dreams we have while we sleep but it reminded me:

OT: I remember, quite a while ago, you said that you read mainly English books, you write in English, and speak and dream in Spanish...do I remember that correctly?

You write better in English than many people (including me), for whom English is their first language. I was telling my daughter about you. She's been living in Panama. Her Spanish skills have been improving.

I would like to be fluent in Italian, but I think I'd need to move there to learn it that well. When I was a teenager I could speak Sicilian and could even dream in Sicilian. I've lost most of my ability to speak that language since then for lack of having anyone left to speak it with.

Actually Trix, I think in english but if I have conversations in my mind with someone and that person speaks spanish, my thoughts will be in spanish. Same with dreams... depends who I dream of.

I study in spanish (which means that although most books I study from are in english I have to translate them in my mind to really understand) but I read for leisure ONLY in english, I get terribly bored reading in spanish. I've quit buying the newspaper because I barely skim the headlines!

It's very important to find someone to talk to. Having cable TV with things in their original language has made a HUGE difference to me. And now I have an english lady friend who I talk to.

Don't you have an italian channel you can listen to? That would be a good way to start....