Tonight was a night of fear and revolations for me. This may sound crazy but as I tell this story it will all become clear.

as I am driving to work I notice that the traffic is real bad on the back roads. I am looking trying to figure out what is going on. As I look up the street I see police cars and fire trucks all over the place.

I finally get to work and park and see co-workers standing outside. I ask what is going on, they tell me a car pulled out from the bowling alley and hydroplaned across the road and went in the median and hit a light pole which broke in half and crashed on the car.

The next thing I know my heart is in my throat as I realize WH and DS are at the bowling alley on Monday nights and the time was just the right time for them to be leaving there. I kept asking what kind of car was it as it was covered by a tarp and I could not see it. No one knew the answer at first all they knew was two people were in it and one had died. I went inside and said does anyone know what kind of car it was. finally I got my answer it was a Nisson. I breathed a sigh o relief. I knew then it was not the two people I love.

As I watched this whole event unfold I started thinking and wondering so many things. I stood at the drive though window and watched them take the injured person out with the jaws of life, he was barely alive. After they removed him the funeral home came and removed the other person. I found out later the one alive was a young military guy and the one who died was a young man who had just graduated high school.

My thought went from fear to wonderment as I thought what if that had been someone I loved. What would I have said or done. I wonder have I said and done all the right thing to let the people I love know it. Would I have regrets because i have not said or done the right things. Even though WH has left and says he does not love me anymore, that does not take away the fact I still love him. Have I shown him that I love him without expecting anything in return, sometimes I wonder.

Seeing this made me realize that our time on earth is so short and we need to make the best of everyday and tell all of those we love how we feel. We need to show them what they mean to us and never forget the next time we see them could be our last time.

So I guess what I am trying to say and maybe I won't say it in the right words is even though WH has said and done what he has, I still love him and I want him to know that just in case the next time I see him is the last time. I want him to know he can and will be forgiven by me. I want him to know I don't hate him and I have compassion for him. I am not saying I like or accept his actions but to keep myself from feeling guilt or regrets for not saying what I feel is something I could not live with if something happened.

I can only imagine what he or any WS would feel if something tragic happened to their BS and the last words they had spoken to them had been cruel. I don't want to ever feel that. I don't want to let him think I am just waiting around for him , i just want him to know I do love him and no matter what he meant something to me nothing more , nothing less...... I hope all of this rambling makes sense..... This was like a wake up call for me to see no matter what we have to let those we love know it.....


Hurting

((((((Hurting))))))

Hurting - exactly the reason you should stay in contact with your SON!

Keep reaching out to your son and letting him know you love him. Even if he doesn't respond, he will know.

As far as your WH...it's your call on how you treat him.

You seem to have found some peace by coming to this realization.

((((((Hurting))))))

Hurting,

In the last month, I have put a great deal of thought into something like that happening. The "what if's" are enough to drive someone nuts. I dunno if you're a country music fan, but Garth Brooks describes these same feelings in "If Tomorrow Never Comes" rather well. It's a shame that you're the only one between you and WH that got to experience the scene at the bowling alley. I agree with Lost. Keep contact with your son.

Good luck and God bless,

Drex

Drexell, my current favorite in that similar vein is Brooks and Dunn's [color:"blue"]Believe[/color].

It is never too late or too soon to accept Christ and become a "new creation."

God bless.

Hurting:

I recall having a similar experience during Plan B, wondering how I would handle such a situation.

What you have learned is that your feelings for your WH are still there, kept safeguarded during your Plan B.

It's hard to accept though, but true, that the H that you used to know NO LONGER exists. Taking my situation, for example, although my H is basically himself again..in terms of his personality style..he is a FWH...changed for the good and the bad by having had an A. So what I am saying, it is like your former H has actually died and you will grieve over that loss. I did. However, I love my present H even more. Of course, I'm praying my experience for you.



In my opinion, it is not time to forgive him until he repents..saying that what he did was wrong..coming to you and asking you to forgive him...

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. You have informed him of your love and compassion for him multiple times and he knows what he has to do to right his wrongs. I hope something does not happen to your WH, Hurting, because he is not right with God and according to Scripture, would burn in he//. That was my concern..that my WH would die a sinner...and I would not get a chance to see him again in Heaven...



Hurting, don't contact him. Given that he is a WH, unfortunately, he is so LOST right now that what you say to him will not matter.

He has to reach his OWN BOTTOM..

This stuff is AWFUL..I know...

(((Hurting)))

I have had a similar realization lately. I have become very comfortable with the fact that I love my husband and I don't need to feel ashamed or like an idiot or sucker because of that.

I love Moose Tracks ice cream, it doesn't love me back. But my love for Moose Tracks makes me happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A child is missing in my city, it makes you think of all the terrible what ifs. Every Sunday, when I leave the nursing home, I think about WH and wonder who will change his diapers when he is old and bed bound. I would do that for him, I love him. He wouldn't change my diapers.

When I hurt, I remember that the pain is due to my love for WH. And that comforts me, maybe like labor pains, it is supposed to hurt.

Sunday, I was on the phone with my WH confirming a kid schedule thing. He sounded real bad, said he was having a very hard time right now. For the first time in a long time, I told him I loved him and I hope that he feels some peace soon.

He still seems to hate me, no logical reason for that. But I am going to embrace the love I feel instead of the anger or dissapointment. It makes me feel better.

LOL..a new name for the aliens..MOOSE TRACKS....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

((( Healing )))

I know this probably goes against MB principles, but this is the advice that I give to yd.

She will ask me ~~ should I call him (whoever) or should I send a letter, send a note ? Should I go to the event ? What should I do ?

I always tell her ~~~

If you really want to go or call ~~~

Then -- do it..

If you really don't want to ~~ don't do it..

It's your life, it's your call....

Do what feels right !!!


Warm wishes, car

To all of you,

Last night really shook me to my core. it just made me ralize so many things.

This is the first time I hae ever witnessed something so tragic with my own eyes and within my reach. yes, I like everyone else have seen things on tv that have been tragic and earth shaking but I guess seeing it so close and personal really shook me.

I keep reaching out to my son to let him know I love him and he ignors my attempts. But I continue trying.

I have tried for so many months to reach out to my WH and let him know I love him as well but my attempts are ignored by him as well. Will I continue to reach out to him , no not at this time. But he knows.....

I suppose I just need to know in my heart I have done all I can do to make things right. As I think about it I know I have loved unconditonally and shown it many times to both of them. I pray God has seen that and lets their hearts see it someday.

Hurting

Oh, Carnation..I'm sighing...



That's how all of this got started..this is the beginning of many affairs....

I'm encouraging Hurting to STAY DARK in PLAN B...for MBing reasons..

Her post is such a testimony to the value of Plan B for the BS...

The WS remains a BRICK WALL..

Hurting might as well right a note to herself...

It's so sad but probably true...

I've been there, hurting.

That's why it's important to remember you are in Plan B FOR your husband, and FOR your love -- not to punish him.

Holding to your boundaries gives your love and your WH the best chance. Sometimes love is hard and unrelenting -- not like a Victorian valentine. And you are in that city. Love is NOT being a patsy.

Love is not enabling. And, unfortunately, most of what the WSs want is enabling. Plan B is giving him a foretaste of the results of his choices. The truth is, hurting, no matter how much you love him now -- you will probably be with someone else in a few years if he continues on this path. You will be loving someone else. The emotions you are having about him today will be focused on someone else.

It's hard -- but you are making your choices from the pieces others have left. And you just had a taste of how "real" all of this is.

Yes, Mimi -- I agree she should stay dark

I guess I was just saying that if in her heart of hearts she needs to let her loved ones know that she loves them

She should somehow ~~ let them know...

Further thinking, I am sure that they do know. I just don't want her to have regrets, that's all...

I agree that Plan B is working very, very well for her. She has grown soooo much. And I think we all know that the A will end, probably.

I am sorry if my advice was not correct.. I normally lead with my heart ~~

car

Car you said:



There is no reason for you to feel sorry about your advice. I am the same as you. Too bad, we can't approach this MBing stuff "normally"..the thing is that the "aliens" are so ABNORMAL....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes, of course she will have regrets. I certainly do.

This is the piece of the pie the A has left us. We are having to make the best of a bad job. It's not "fair," it's not "right" -- but we are left with little to do but glue the pieces and move on. It's not a "clean" situation.

What I always do is review the data in my head. I remember all the crappy things he and she did -- and balance THAT into the picture. When you have a powerful emotional experience, no matter how valid, it tends to swamp the situation and blot out other memories. We tend to act from the heart and not the head.

It's sad, but it is so.

Hurting-
Seems like you've been able to take the negative (awful
accident) and take a positive life lesson out of it
(making the most of everyday and letting people in your
life know that you love them)!
I think all of us have these moments once in awhile when
there really is a revelation of something "big".

I understand your wanting to make sure your DS and WH
know that you love them, as I've felt the same way as
my WH prepared for his courtdate and I know he was scared
and anxious about it. I think we just naturally want to
comfort, make easier, and help those we love when they
are having hard times or are in trouble, but in the case
of our WS they are learning the hard lesson of having to
deal with the mess they've made themselves and are outside
of our being able to care and help while involved in A.

I thought of calling WH to say I cared, and give him some
words of comfort or care before he went to court, but
didn't because I know that he already knows how I feel and
figured the impact would be limited anyway, since he likely
had OW going to court and providing his "comfort".

I think you've been doing great in showing your DS that you
do love, care and support him, and should continue to do so.
You've also made it clear to your WH and he knows what to do
to get back into the loving care of his W and his M.

Thanks for sharing this..
Slammed

A.M.,

You are correct I believe we all will have regrets no matter what we do or say.

I already regret not making my boundries tougher and allowing the cake eating for so long. I regret not doing a better planA. But these are things that are done and over with, nothing can change them.

But the one thing I will never regret is the fact I showed and told my H many times how I feel about him. Yes as a WS he saw them as me trying to "Get my way" but I know one day he will see it for what it really was. Once that day comes it may be to late for him/us who knows. Thats a risk he is willing to take, nothing I can do to change it.

I just want to be sure that for me I let those I love know it on a daily basis. I now know I took it all for granted and didn't say it or show it daily like i should have. its one of the crosses i have to bear now and I am making sure that I have learned from this mistake and not repeat it again. I have learned so much about relationships and how they work and what needs to be done to keep them alive. And one day be it my H or someone else I will have the right tools to make the relationship better than I could ever imagine.

So even though this A has ripped me to my core and made me humble ,I have learned and grown from it. So in the scheme of life I suppose it had its purpose....


Hurting

BEAUTIFUL!!!

Ideally, that is what the Plan B letter is for. It's your last love letter as you bow out. Whenever I had to "review the data," I remembered by PBL, which expressed more love than I felt at that point. (My LB was so low, I had to ruthlessly plagiarize online letters to replicate the feelings I once had.) I knew I would never top my PBL. Any words after that could just dilute the effect of what I had already said, in writing.

Hurting, I've said this to others and I now say it to you: one of the lasting legacies of the A is that it makes you feel powerless in your own life. The way we respond to it is by overly guilt-tripping ourselves about (relatively) small failures in our life. Hence, after an unexpected death, we blame ourselves for taking someone for granted -- because we were powerless in stopping the death. And in a marital debacle, we blame ourselves for all the little things we could have changed -- because we were powerless to stop a big fat assault on our families and our lives.

These are the "regrets" I spoke of -- the lasting legacy of the affair. But do not be unjust to yourself. Nothing you did or failed to do merited being beaten up, impoverished, and dragged through court. Yours were small, human, everyday failings. Regrets, yes, but reviewing the data, not all that big a deal.

Focus on the kids. As far as WH goes, your PBL should have said it all much better than you can ever repeat. That's why it's important to stay dark -- so you don't dilute the PBL message.

A.M.

Your right about the PBL it said all I wanted to say and needed to say.

That letter was given to him so many months ago and my boundries were broken many times since then. I allowed them to be broken so no ones fault but my own. So I doubt the PBL means anything anymore. it's probably been forgotten over this time.

I had thought of giving him another one but why, after his VM of a month ago how he never wanted to see me or speak to me again I didn't see the point in it. I know he said it out of anger due to being expoosed to OW but so far neither one of us had made any attempt at contact. He has gone so far as to tell my DD she can't use my cell phone to call him. I know this is because my number shows up and he has to explain who he was talking to. He can't prove if it was me or our DD. I know her trust is gone and he is doing all he can to earn it back.

So planb is now for me more than anything else. I know he knows how i feel and what he would have to do. Maybe a reminder with another PBL may a good thing but I just know if I was to send him one , he would become angry again and make sure I knew to leave him alone.

So here is where i am sitting today..... Pretty lonely place to be but I'll be ok...

Hurting