You know, hurting, I sent my PBL after Plan B had otherwise been in place for MONTHS, when he showed no signs of return that I could see.

Many months later, he filed for D. After some contact from him by email -- and cold, nasty little messages they were -- I had a thread here about what to reply, as I was in Plan B.

After some thought, I resent the PBL. Or rather, I left a printout of the PBL email I had sent months before in his office mailbox, so that he, and not OW, would get it. It felt pointless, and even a bit humiliating, to continue to protest my love.

I don't regret it. It still had "the best of me" in it.

After the D was final, and after a series of harrassing emails, I did send him a final letter telling him I was blocking his email address -- that I no longer knew who he was, and no longer wished to. That his behavior had been abusive. (All of this in a cool, formal letter.)

I think the PBL had its effect, nonetheless. I think he knew he blew a good chance at marriage with me. And I think he knows, deep down, that what he has with OW is blighted by its beginnings, and was foredoomed by both of their selfish natures. They both still act weird around me in public -- as they did last night, in fact. Something has gotten through -- but I don't know what it is, and I no longer care.

It's not much of a consolation prize, admittedly. But I don't regret expressing my love, and I don't regret re-expressing it when hope was all but extinguished.

That way I don't have to comb back through my mind and wonder "what if ..." I know I could not have done any better. That's what a PBL is for.

I had read years ago on here where a woman was being counseled by SH and he had suggested sending out a life preserver every once in a while to the WS...not every day, not every month even, but just a gentle reminder every so often that the BS would still take them back...at least now...no GF/BF...

My suggestion would be just a simple phone call saying, "I watched the EMT's pull the two people out of the wreck last night in front of the bowling lanes and was scared it could have been you and DS. I know you don't think I care about you right now, but I still do and would be devastated if you were gone. And I'm trying to be the best person I can be...I think about our M, and about my role in it. I'm still waiting. Just wanted to tell you I was worried last night, and releived it wasn't you in that car. Goodbye."

Or something like that...

Still,

I see what you are saying but I think he would see it as me trying to manipulate him into feeling something.

I know he knows how i feel, he just does not wnat to hear it anymore. Maybe someday I can tell him this story and how I felt. Someday.........

Hurting

Great idea. I did something like that can't remember what tragedy it was...... at the time it seemed like it had no impact....but then again..... thoughts process quite slow in the fog. I think I waited 2 weeks for a even a reaction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L

no no nono!

Hurting...your wittle fingers have been dying to type on that computer if you know what I mean...what we talked about and I said no to? NC!

A WS can't possibly process that right now anyhow. If he pulls his head outta his [censored] sometime in future, then mention it then. Keep letting them LB. It's happening, you just can't see it that's all.

The more you stay away, the more attractive you are to him. Make the difference rather clear...let her keep leash short and LB all over the place.

Hurting, trust your instincts...you are getting a feel now about timing. The more you are detached from the A and the WS the better and clearer you are able to think...do you feel it?

This is your time to process through...really think through your M and your role...that way when recovery happens you've already gone through a great deal of work...

And I should be clear, recovery happens when a decision, one way or another, is made about your M.

Not to worry I am doing nothing. I am not writting him or calling him or her.....

I am staying away far away from the mess.....

Someday and I mean someday maybe I can tell him about the night and my fears of what I saw and how i felt.

For now I am keeping them to myself and here only. He would never understand my feelings at this point in time all he see's is what he fells is me trying to manipulate him.....

Hurting

I had heard someone(s) on here years ago suggest folks keep a Plan B journal...all those thoughts, fears, feelings that pop up. The actions (or inactions) of hte WS and all the feelings and thoughts you have about them, but can't express them...at least to the WS.

You can talk with them about this during recovery...or use the journal in the D. ugh...

I wouldn't bother, if you can avoid it. The whole point of Plan B is to start thinking about something besides the drama.

The thoughts come. Let them pass. Then do something more interesting. Read a book. Walk the dog. Start a revolution.

PS. I still have angry thoughts -- daily -- about how I would like to tell him off, and what I would say. I still have fantasies of spitting in his face, etc. -- daily!

But I treasure what Martin Luther said: "We cannot prevent the birds from flying over our heads, but we can prevent them from building a nest in our hair."

Such are thoughts.

Not much to say , things are quiet and still have not seen DS. I have called many times but he won't answer or return my calls.

DD talked to him yesterday and put me on the phone we chatted for a few minutes but he just was v ery distant to me. I told him I loved him and missed hm very muh. He said Mom I love you to in a whisper. It was after DD got off the phone with him I found out his dad was there and could hear DS talking. I just feel like he won't talk to me because he feels loyalty to his father and he does not want him to hear anything he says to me.

I have made some descions regarding my future should this divorce happen. For now I am keeping them close to my chest as I don't want WH or the kids to know just yet. I had to make a plan for me and have something to look forward to.

Its been a month since last contact, this is the darkest I have ever been. Its been hard and the last couple of days have been really downers for me. I keep replaying so much in my mind trying to figure out where i went wrong and should I have done anything different. All the I should haves and only if's are making me crazy.... I guess as they say hind sight is 20/20...

Hurting

Well it came in the mail today, our trial date for our divorce is June 28, 2006.....

I knew it was gonna come one day but I guess seeing the date set reality in for me.....

This is so unfair and awful I can't believe its really gonna happen.....

Hurting

(((((hurting))))))))

I have a very very sore throat and will call ya when I can muster it...very painful. Zpak is NOT working thus far <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

((( Healing )))

Honey, I am so sorry.

Dear God, please, please please look down on our little angel Healing. Give her strength and courage right now in her darkest days. Let her know how much she is loved by all of us here at MB.

Your friend, carnation

peachy and carnation,

having you both as friends and being here to help me though this is one of the best gifts God has ever given me.

This is the most painful thing I have ever been through in mylife. To watch my dreams of being with my H until our dying day slip away is something i never expected. To loose my home and not be sure of what tomorrow brings or where I will be is terrifying.

Just the knowledge of the day it all ends has made such a impact on me I can't even explain it. The feelings of the hurt, betrayal and fears have all come rushing to the surface once again. I can't help but wonder how does this make the WS feel now knowing its almost here.

I will make it through this, I have to for myself and my children....

Dear God , please give me the strength to live through this.

Hurting

Hurtin'

Hugz 2 you and your family. The A is a wicked and ruthless killer of families. Sad to see your children in the midst of it.

The mom in me worries about your son and it is good he has love for his mom. That is the one thing the WS can't rip away from your child.

Can your dd find out why your ds felt compelled to go to the OW den? What r they holding over him? Guilt trip, bribery, ?????

Your stance is strengthening to many who read here. Don't give up. U R on the right course and taking the higher road.

L.

Orchid,

Sad to say but DD can't get anything out of DS either. He just won't say why he feels compelled to live in the home of sin. I am going to try and fight it in court but who knows what will happen.

Right now I don't feel any stength in me, its all gone. My fight is gone as well. I just feel so drained and tired.

I wish I still didn't love this man, it would be so much easier to move ahead... if you had asked me a year ago woud i be here and on the brink of divorce I would had laughed at said are ya crazy or what. Thas how much faith I had in our marriage and love. He has made a fool of me and what I believed to be good and moral. He h as ripped any trust I ever had in him right out from under me. He has ripped my heart out and stomped on it until it has turned to mush. He has yet to see any of my pain and he probably never will.

One day though I will get over this and life will be good again. I am sure of that through the grace of God it will happen....

Hurting

Through this rough time filled with tears, pain and hurt you are still shining like a beautiful star. The WS and OP can't take your beauty and grace away from you. Remember that.

You have family and friends.....around the world.

Aloha from the middle of the big blue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

orchid,

Thank you for being my friend.....

I thank all of you who have stood by me in all of this mess.

May God Bless all of you .....

Hurting

((((Hurting))))

I am so sorry you are feeling so down now, it will pass.

I have court on May 10th, I have been very dark with STBXWH, have not even returned his call from Monday and I have not answered his proposal that his attorney sent mine. Even though I am turning it down, I'll just let him stew over it.

I am sooo nervous about court though, just seeing him. I am going to totally ignore him since I am in Plan B still. It was suppose to be our court trial but the changed it to pre-trial conference since we never had one.

God Bless you and remember, you will be victorious in the end whether it's M or not. Stay strong. Sending prayers & love your way.