Yep. This is sooo weird.

This one of the few lingering remnants of my FWH's affair.

He "slips" now and uses "bad" words that he never used before...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Healing ~ Sounds like you have everything planned out real good. Staying with your MIL will give you added support just before D day. It will make you feel alot stronger.

Don't worry about DS too much. Alot has to do with the age. 13 - 16 yo can be a bugger. Add a messy divorce in the mix and you got trouble. He will come around....

Yep ~ Your WH is having a * ball * - not !! Sounds like he is so darn miserable and can not see his way out. I know this will probably sound stupid -

but try to remain being the lighthouse

I have been so busy with g kids that I have not been able to communicate with you. I think of you all the time !!!

Sending my very best, car

Everyone,

yes as far as the name calling goes I stil can't wrap my brain around it. To be honest that seems to have affected me almost more than anything else. It has cut right through me. I never in a million years expected that. And th fact it was said in front of my kids and my nephew not to mention the neighbor really got to me.

In fact the lady across the street saw me yesterday and was saying how much she has lost respect for my WH. We have known this lady since we moved in 18 years ago, she is an older lady who is a widow. She always respected my WH very much and he helped her with her yard and all. She said BS I always felt so secure knowing WH was across the street but now after how he has treated you and the kids I have lost all respect for him. WH really likes this woman and I can't imagine how he would feel if he knew what she said.

Carnation, as far as being a lighthouse my light is getting dimmer and dimmer..... His language and how he acted this weekend really went to straight to my heart. I am just not sure if I can get past him calling me such a vile name. I am so glad i was not here and those words were said because I am afraid I would have really let him have it.

I also think staying with my MIL will help me be able to handle the Divorce day so much better. I won't have to go home to an empty house. part of me just wants to sign the darn papers and go and not fight for anything but the logical side says no way he owes you and don't back down... I just don't want any more pain or conflict.....

Oh what a tangled web we weave , when we try to decieve.... He is so stuck and see's no way out.....

Hurting

YOU

are doing AMAZINGLY WELL

under these

rotton
unfair
stressful
circumstances

HOO-RAY for YOU

Pep

Hey Hurting-
It's been awhile since I posted as things at work have been
hectic, but I think of and remember you in prayers often-

Sounds like you are remaining strong and making great plans.
I can sure understand wanting to be in a place with friends
and family, and a place where you don't have to deal with or
see WH or the OW.

Like my WH, your WH seems to be sinking with his own ship
and absolutely miserable in the mess he's made for himself.
A couple of weeks ago he even said to me "he wished that
BOTH OW and me would leave him alone", and when talking he
sometimes holds his head, as thought it's going to explode.
Since I don't call him, bug him, see him, or ask anything
of him, I can only think the misery, confusion, guilt or
pressure he is feeling is either coming from OW or even just
his own self !

At times I've wondered if he regrets ever having gotten
involved with such a manipulative, clingy, and controlling
OW, but it was his own doing, and he's the only one who can
"un do" it !
He's also now got to deal with the consequences of his DUI,
and will be doing 45 days of full-time community service
work starting June 5. He had to make arrangements with his
boss to have the time off work, but will have to work night
and weekends to keep up with his accounts and keep money
coming in. (I think he was darned lucky to keep his job,
but I was glad since he still pays a big part of our bills
and expenses and carrries our health insurance).
He lost his license for a year, so has to figure out how he's going to get around, and back and forth to do this
"sentence", which should be a challenge since it's in a town
about 30 miles away !

Another issue going on is that we've been having much more
contact with his D13 than ever before. (I say "we", because
she calls our house, despite having WH's cell phone).
We have normally heard from her periodically and she would
visit a couple times a year (she lives out of state).
Lately, however, she's called much more often- sometimes
because she wants her Dad to send her some money for things
like school events, sports, or "minutes on her cell phone".
More recently she's called several times leaving messages
that she's not happy there, doesn't like her Mom's BF or
his kids, wants to know when she can come visit, and has
even mentioned wanting to come and live with her Dad.

I feel for her, as her Mom changes jobs and moves wherever
her "boyfriend of the month" is, she is on welfare, and
I'm sure money is always tight, D13 has to do without
things she'd like to have or do, and gets stuck babysitting
her siblings often. Felt sad though, to realize she's looking to her Dad for help and he's in no condition to
help her when he can't even hardly be responsible for him-
self ! I'm sure he'd like to get to see her, but now has
the issue of having no license and no free time once his
community service starts- nothing like reality intruding
into fantasy-affar land, huh !?

Best wishes to you Hurting- I think you've been a pillar of
strength and dignity through it all. There's still a lot of
time before court, and lots of possibility that things can
change, even if it's afterwards.
Slammed

Thanks Pep from you those words mean a lot to me... I am hanging in there and taking it day by day for now... I am beginning to feel numb and my feelings for him change daily. One day I love him and the next I don't.... I believe getting away from all this will help me clearly see how I truly feel....

Slammed I agree both our WH'S are miserable but find no way out of their mess. Its not our problem Slammed we have to let them live this out and whatever happens to them is of their own choosing.... We will be ok of that I am sure....


Hurting

Hi Hurting,
I've not been on here too much just trying to cope day to day. As your WH is spinning out of control you are moving on w/grace. I am SO SURE his latest tantrum (name calling) is him acting out because he can't control you. He threaten to run off to Iraq, to leave and not come back, to leave OW and get a place of his own...never followed through.

You say you are moving to VA. By your example you have proven you are true to your word and will follow through. When you leave it will be VERY difficult to get his fix of you. IT IS DRIVING HIM NUTS!!!

He is his own worst enemy...but he can't even see that. Everyone else...even your neighbor can see him self-distructing. He is blind to it.

I wish you peace and a man worthy of your grace. (not that you need a man!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My WH just moved out. I will plan A for a little while and then plan B. Thanks for sharing your journey I have learned a lot from you.

Confused,

Yup he is spinning out of control no doubt about it. and your right once I am gone his fixes of me are gone as well ...

I hope th one thing anyone has learned from following my journey is not to repeat my mistakes and learn from them. If I can help anyone avoid those then my job is done..

I have not recovered my marriage and from how it looks probably never will. But I have recovered me and the person I want to be.... I still have a ways to go but I will get there..... My prayers are with you....


Hurting

Hurting,

There is tremendous turmoil within the WS's head and that leads to some of their hurtful words. It's extremely difficult to look inside you and realize you have undermined and betrayed the one who loves you the most.

Anger is great camouflage for guilt. Unfortunately the BS is usually the target of the anger.

Don't feel bad since you WH is typical in his conduct. I also heard my WW say things to me that I could never imagine her saying to anyone, never mind her husband.

I have a feeling you WH will crash hard one day.

please take care...

HTW,

Your right the aliens say things that normally they would never even think.

Oh I believe he is gonna crash one day. Lets hope its sooner than later because the longer this goes on the worse its gonna be for him....

Hurting

Let me warn you again about hearing ANYTHING about the WH, especially anything related to you. You are getting YOUR fix too by having MIL or DD tell you anything about WH and his situation. Please, please, please, guard yourself against hearing more about him...as you've seen, it will cause you to deplete your LB sooner.

Still,

You are so right..... After hearing about this last incident it really did draw some more from my LB. Even though I know its anger talking and he knows its not truthful it tore me up.

I did talk to my MIL last night and we didn't talk about WH because I asked her not to. I just don't want to hear anymore he has to say. I have to be vigilant and stop people from telling me things. Its hard not to listen but it has to be done.

Hurting

It is very addictive, you want facts, you want to know he's hurting. You will rationalize and justify ANY news about him, but don't allow yourself...hearing about his life, seeing him, even a glimpse is CONTACT, and contact depletes YOUR LB.

I am behind you.

He WILL regret his choices of today...someday he WILL...he may already...how stubborn is he?

Still,

He is a very stubborn man. He has a hard time admitting he is wrong, always has been ...... He would always find other ways of saying he was wrong without coming out and saying it.
Say he said something w rong to me or got angry at me about the kids or something instead of saying I was wrong and should h ave never gotten mad at you , he would go out and buy me a gift or flowers to make it up..... I knew that was his way of saying he was sorry.....


Conflict avoider at its best. Wish I had known that before I never knew about that term until coming to MB.

So with knowing this about him , I know it would take a lot for him to admit he has done wrong. His pride is huge.....

Hurting

Well things here are quiet. Work was a pain today the photo processor at work kept jamming up.... Was so glad to leave work .....

WH'S mom gave him something to chew on as well ...... He was questioning my moving from th ehouse and do I have a place yet.... She said well she is moving in with me until she leaves for Va. and he was like Oh, and she says well I don't dump people i love ....... LOL Ya gotta love this woman .....

But other than that I have not heard anythng about him nor do I ask .... And the only reason she told me that was because it was funny his reaction.

Anyhow everyone take care .....


Hurting

I do like you MIL!

Are you still working both jobs or are you full time at the photo place?

Jean,

I am still working both jobs for now...... I work 26 hours a week at CVS and about 30 hours a week at BK......

I think I will keep that up until the move .. extra money I will need .... Somedays its all I can do to get through both jobs but I figure its character building ...lol Plus it keeps me busy and I don't think about WH as much .....

P.S. I love my MIL too..... She is the greatest I will miss her terriably when I move away .....

Hurting

This packing thing is really getting me down. I am having such a hard time putting my life into these boxes.

With every box I pack I feel a little more of my life slipping away. I feel my anger and hate mounting towards WH. I feel like I am left to clean up the mess he made while he moves along in life.

PlanB is to save my love but its not working , I am loosing more and more as I pack away our lives. When I come across something of his I just want to burn it , not give it to him. He deserves nothing , I feel like I am being used to put his life in order and just hand over whatever is his in a nice pretty little box. Everything has been so easy for him , he isn't the one looking at the memories and deciding are they worth saving.

I know i am feeling sorry for myself and thats not good but damn him, he is the one who messed up and i have to be the one to suffer and do all the hard work....... It just isn't right....


Hurting

(((Hurting)))

I could come up with some metaphor about packing for your next glorious destination... But....

It just sucks, no way around it. We understand and we will all get through it, there is an end to this tunnel.

((Hurting))

I don't know what to say Hurting. It's sad.

But some ways to help would be to put on some good loud worship music to drown out your thoughts right now, so it doesn't overwhelm you too much. SING, SING, SING while you pack Hurting. Make yourself do it!!

You are hardly putting his life in order. And it says a lot of what is left for him. A box of stuff!! Nothing Hurting, it's nothing. Just stuff!

I know you are going to miss that house. He will have the memories of driving by, looking from mothers house...remembering what he lost, family, home, everything that was dear to him for many years. And don't think you are making things easier for him, because your not. He will not be happy Hurting.

Gotta go, got company.

Huggs,
Lady