After 18 months, I still have days of profound sadness. On Easter Sunday, before everyone else was up, I was a teary mess. There are big pieces of time that I have simply missed. I've misplaced more things than I could ever imagine. I lost my car keys and the key to the building I lead a meeting in. I lost my ATM card somewhere between the money machine and my car. Burned meals. Laundry left in the washer for 'way too long. I remember going to see a movie with DD and not remembering a thing. I had cried through the entire movie. I played endless games of cards on the computer because that was all my overworked brain could handle. I've killed an amazing number of houseplants.

It will get better. After some time as a hermit, you'll finally look at the light of day. Everybody at MB is wonderful at helping through the bad days.

Thanks grapegirl. It's so nice to know we're not alone. I so get what you are saying. I'm a bad cook but boy have I really messed up some meals recently! Oh the time I've killed with nothing. Real thought seems to take up to much effort. Like now, I could have been reading some things like ENs or LBs but that seems to hard now. It's easier to just sit and read on the message board. I know I've got to reach the point of being able to learn and study about what has to be done but I'm just not up for it most of the time. Counseling starts next week so maybe that will get me in that mode. I'm trying to quit being a hermit but it is a struggle. Seems like getting ready and being out take all I have energy wise...

AskMe...you had posted somewhere else to me and now I cant find it...you had given me your email for SA questions...would you kindly mind giving that to me again??

I'll be glad to share my email address, it's askmetwo@gmail.com

And I answer peoples questions all the time, so don't hesitate to send a question if you have one.

March,

You'll get through it one way or the other. No matter the road traveled, the final destination is a better you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm in a really up mood today. I hope I can share some of that enthusiasm with you.

A step at a time, a breath at a time, a day at a time. I don't know how many steps I took yesterday, but I know I survived them all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Counseling was pretty good last night, we got home and the kids hadn't burned the house down or locked one another in various closets. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have moments of clarity where I realize blessings don't have to be huge to be noticed. Hope you're having a great morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Drexxell I'm glad counselling went well for you last night. It's always a positive sign when the non-offending spouse feels enouraged.

Now how do I get WW to feel as encouraged as I feel? I think time is the answer. What do you think?

AskMe...I hope you just added the email to your tagline!! I thought I was more perceptive. I plan to email you soon.

Drexxell..I'm so happy you are having a good day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> and that MC is helping. I'm so anxious to start next week. Yes, I'm having a good day too and feel like I am hitting a turning point as far as not letting the sadness immobilize me. This is a tough stretch in our schedule...I'll basically see him...at home and awake for about 3 hours in 3 1/2 days. These were the times that have been hardest since D-day...not b/c anything was work related...it all only happened when I was out of town...but just the fact that since this has happened I simply feel better when he's around. I think the negative thoughts and feelings take over easier when he is away. When he's here I can focus on the present and who he really is...the one I've loved and still love.

I think your encouraged attitude will help her. I do remember my H early on saying at some points that the fact that I was still loving him and being kind etc. sometimes made him feel worse b/c he didn't feel deserving so I think it can be a slippery slope so to say. However I think when the increased sadness hit me, I think that was more of a LB for him though (even though he knows it's normal and warranted). With what you've expressed on here it is hard for me to imagine that she won't come around but as I've read here many times, no matter what she does or doesn't do in the long run, you'll know you have given it your all for you and your family!!

Holy cat catchers, Batman! Get out of my head!

I have to make a 15 hour round trip drive tomorrow. That's a long story in itself. Basically, I'm going to have a lot of alone time. I had to make this drive last weekend too and it was way bad. Sometimes there are just moments. Time is growing longer between them now.

I'm not looking forward to the drive, but I'm leaving early enough so that assuming everything goes as planned, I can take WW dancing when I get home.

Isn't it nice to know you are just normal for the situation! I would suggest on your drive to not listen to country music or sappy love songs. It's so funny the things that can trigger. Like the other night H and I are happily watching American Idol and the lyric of the song to It had to be you said "could make be true" or something like that and my eyes welled up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Maybe you should just listen to Sports Talk on the trip or better yet Spanish speaking radio...if you're not bilingual! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I was making it really easy for you to find my email address just in case you didn't look back in the same spot. I'll leave it there for a little while and then probably take it back away again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi March, I was thinking about you yesterday, knowing it was your 1 month mark. I can so relate to everything you've said in this thread. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!

My H and I went to Disneyland w/the kids yesterday and we had the best time! We were probably one of the happiest families there...but just under the surface I could feel the sadness percolating. By the time we went to bed, I was a mess. I knew my H was looking forward all day to SF (b/c that's been really good for us as well), but the old wall was back up and I just couldn't break it down.

He held me, he prayed, he told me he was sorry over and over and finally I was able to go to sleep. I feel much better this morning and I'm starting to understand the roller coaster concept. My H does as well and I've told him I just need him to ride it out w/me. He has been so great, just like your H, which in a way makes me sadder, IYKWIM.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers as is everyone on this board b/c we are real people! BTW, we are going to a wedding tomorrow at the same place we were married almost 10 years ago. There's a thread about it on the Recovery board.

P.S. I've teared up at many of the dumb American Idol songs! Bryan Adams' "If You Really Love a Woman" , jeez I just can't take it!! LOL!

24give..so nice to hear from you. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. You've been in mine too. I think yesterday was a turning point. It would have been nice to have gotten to see my H but I basically saw him thirty seconds yesterday a.m. and will see him not much more than that today but anyways...
I'm glad you had fun at Disneyland. Oh, how badly our little ones want to go but we are so far away from there that it won't happen anytime soon. I know the rollercoaster stinks but aren't you lucky he understands.
As for the wedding, I do hope it will be one of those God things where the most unexpectedly good thing comes of it for you two. Sometimes what we dread most can turn out to be a good thing.
LOL on the American Idol connection...I didn't catch the theme for next week...at least it won't be love songs again surely! And BTW, aren't you glad there isn't an April 31st!

I'm hoping that for the wedding, too. God works in mysterious ways and it's just too much of a coincidence that this wedding invite came out of the blue when it did and where it is being held.

The other Idol song that killed me was Keith Urban's "I'm gonna love you..." w/the whole Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban connection to boot!

I'm actually more glad that d-day was on Mar 31 instead of Apr 1, I already feel like enough of a fool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Oh 24give...I can't wait to hear about tomorrow...I just have a good feeling...of course if I'm wrong I'll never tell you about my "feelings" again!

I agree on the Keith Urban song...I'm not into country but it hit me. Also understand the feeling a fool. I always think that when I ask questions and find out what was really happening at a certain time or think of something I had said to him before I knew like...I trust you so much!! Oh, I can just laugh at it now. I must be getting better!!

March, I'm glad you're finding some positives in this puzzle of confusion and pain. You mentioned that you're extremely hurt but SF is the best it's ever been. Did I read that right?

If so, I could surely use some pointers, I can't even kiss the man I'm trying to share my life with! I have literally forced myself into SF on occasion with less than stellar results(I actually vomitted after one such encounter). I just can't look at him and feel any physical/sexual desire-although I should mention that was waning for a good bit of time previous to A.

March,

I would be interested to know how you got to SF so quickly too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The last SF I had was 3 hours prior to discovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm sure it's something that will come with time. She hasn't really been affectionate but doesn't mind me showing her affection. At least I have my health. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

APL and Drex...I am/was extremely hurt. Read any of my thread and you'll see what he did was pretty extensive and covered many years. Years that I had basically been taking care of him (I plead guilty of spoiling him), having 2 babies, nursing each for a year, basically doing everything related to our home....all he had to do were school/work requirements. I am currently a SAHM but I was a professional working woman for many years, I have a Masters Degree. I could make it on my own just fine so my staying has nothing to do with no other choices. From the time he confessed everything, I feel I was just carried....carried in the sense of the footprints in the sand poem. While yes, I've had sadness, from the get-go I've just felt like we would make it through this and be happier in the long run. From the time he told me, I've felt better in his arms than anywhere. I think we were lucky to not have to deal with any emotional attachments to another woman...read my thread on signature line...or to either of us not still being attracted to/or in love with the other. Also he did all the things you want of a WS. For us the revelations came with a new found ability to be totally open and honest regarding our sexual past and what we wanted in the future. My period started right after D-Day so we had several nights of long conversations and then just holding each other. After days of that and feeling closer in some ways than we ever had, we couldn't wait to be together again. It really felt like the first time, only better! It seemed like we were dating again...although we didn't have intercourse when we were dating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I don't know if any of this helps. If I've had visual images or thoughts trying to creep in and interrupt our SF I just shelve it. I read somewhere about creating the new memories and I feel that's what we're doing. Also since his A's were due to a sexual addiction, I think coming to grips with that and us having honest discussions allowed me to let go of inhibitions that were partially due to his previous porn problem. From speaking to other women about that, you feel like you can't compare to that and it hurts your confidence. I don't know if any of this has helped. It's a hard thing to explain. At first, he wondered if I was just in shock and this would change but it hasn't. I just think it is different for everyone because each situation and each couple's history is unique. I hope you two can reach this point sooner rather than later. Ask anything else and I'll be happy to answer b/c I don't feel like I've explained this sufficiently.