I think March has taken a different view from most women, because I think she understands the addiction aspect. It's very hard for people to distinguish an addiction affair from a non-addiction affair, but there is a difference. The person who has a non-addiction affair is out to change their environment, in other words they are making a conscious decision they want something different in their life. The person having an addiction affair is out to medicate emotions that are painful in their life. Usually the addict is not out to replace their spouse, such as the non-addict is attempting to do. And if the spouse of the addict realizes that and realizes this is not a comparison of the spouse to affair partner, and this is not about them, but it is all about the addicts problem, it helps move the healing process along quicker. I think that is why March has moved along so well, along with her grace from God. She does seem to be doing well from reading above and I compliment her on her positive attitude and seeking to help her husbands healing.

I'm incredibly curious because March and I could almost tell the same story. I think my WW has a SA. Biggest difference between March and myself is that her spouse is actively committed to recovering the M and mine isn't. Oddest darned thing though. We don't have any problem being naked in front of one another. Intimacy just ain't there. I'm cornfuzzed.

Thanks AskMe. I know it is hard for people to understand. I can just imagine many people who have known me would flip out if I told them about all this. They would never guess this is how I would react. That's why it is God's grace. I also think most people don't really get the SA thing. For me, once I realized it it all made sense. Years and Years of our lives made sense. We weren't unhappy. We were great partners and in most ways great lovers. We were truly friends. We had ups and downs like everyone but overall a very blessed life. But there had been these intermittent battles with depression and his withdrawal from God. Oh, I ramble but to me the understanding of SA was a light bulb and in so many ways the lens with which I view all this.

Drex...I'm so praying for your wife to fully embrace recovery. From your other thread, I think it sounds promising. As for the intimacy, I think everyone is on a different time frame with that. I would think that once she really embraces recovery it would have to be easier. If my FWH was half-assing it I don't think I could have been so vulnerable with him.

I left this out as the big part of equation.....the spouse really needs to be repentent about what they have been doing. It's really hard for someone to start walking down the road to recovery when the other person is still in the party lane.

You nailed it Askme, my H still defends OW's morality and how it's OK for her to make different moral choices, this doesn't make her a bad person. That may very well be true but it's certainly not the statement that gives me any comfort.

March, you are amazing! I take great inspiration from your story, what a courageous person you are. I am still struggling but am committed to continuing to try. The pain causes so much grief and crying it still happens at the most inopportune moments(checkout line at grocery store-how embarassing is that?).

I'm trying to check into the "just get over it" school but so far have not been allowed admission.(Have not allowed myself admission?-probably closer to the truth).

H returns tomorrow after 2.5wks out of town, we have MC the day after, I'm looking forward to some relief.

Thanks, APL. I'm sorry that you are still in so much grief and pain...you know I haven't cried in a couple of weeks and I'm definitely glad to say that but I know tears will fall again. Hopefully, the tears just coming at inopportune times will soon end. Maybe the next time it will happen at the gas pump. Noone will think twice about that!!

I think you are right about the allowing yourself into the "just get over it" school. My H came home one day when I was still profoundly sad. He lightheartedly said he'd watch the kids and give me one hour to go be alone and get it out. I did. Not that it was all truly out and over in a hour but giving myself a period of time to sulk, vent whatever then wipe myself off and face life did help. I think you do have to allow yourself to feel better. Like everything else it is a choice. I bet when your H returns you will do better. I know I'm filled with more positive thoughts when mine is home. I hope you get the relief you need and DESERVE.