My family and I moved to a different state a little over a year after the DDay (basically a fallout from FWH's A). It's been almost 2 years since we moved here. I've made friends, but none of them - not even 99% of my old friends - know about the A and the fallouts.

In one of those moms' group meetings the other day, we had to share the most difficult experience we've had as part of a spiritual growth discussion. Of course the A was all I could think of, so I frantically went down the memory lane trying to remember anything else, and I blurted out something (but I can't remember what it was). This was after a friend shared with me recent diagnosis of her daughter's developmental delays with teary eyes, and I felt awful not sharing mine - I felt like I was lying.

On one hand, I know it's inappropriate to make the A public knowledge now that it's in the past and I have no intention of doing so. On the other hand, the relationship with my new (and old, I guess) friends seem superficial. I do have a few very close friends from the old state who know about the A, but my IC has told me to develop a deeper friendship with someone here, but I keep thinking, "Why open up a can of worms?"

Anyone here has had similar experiences? It just seems like it's best not to share the A with anyone anymore unless it becomes absolutely necessary but I don't want to seem distant, either. Your thoughts?

Thanks.

I'm new to this and don't know the "right" answer and am struggling with this too. I am responding to bump this up and maybe help this get some action!

I think you might be too early in Recovery to share this. Otherwise, it would come easier.

I belong to a very conservative church, and one year in our couples Bible study group, the leader shared that her husband had been unfaithful (He was there and shared too). It was a very powerful experience, and I admired them greatly.

I think when it is time, you will be able to speak of the betrayal, and be able to be more real.

I think you did a beautiful thing.

Maybe a different perspective;

You didnt take your new friends 'moment' away from her, by matching ( for lack of a better word right now) traumas. That is precious. She was allowed her moment of truth because you allowed it. This world would be a lot happier place if that occurred more often.


Embrace that. Your moment will come at the right time...just like hers did

Max

I think Believer and Max are dead on with this. Share what you're comfortable sharing.

Good luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'd like to add that if you feel a strong push to tell, maybe you should. There may be someone that NEEDS to hear a story of recovery and hope.

Perhaps I still have issues with people knowing about my H's affair; however, as much as I'd want to tell certain people, I don't. Only certain members of my family know and only a couple friends.

The reason I think I still have issues is: I think if I tell others my H had an A, that:

1) It's a reflection on me and;

2) They may think him "easy" plus;

3) It's personal, and in the past.

I know, I know, it's my issue. I wish I'd feel more secure about this; but, right now, it's something I'll have to work on.

I don't share unsavory information about my H because he does not deserve to be trashed to perfect strangers. He has done everything in his power to make amends for the harm he has done and I wouldn't undermine his efforts by sharing disparaging information with perfect strangers who have no business knowing. That is not fair to him. Not to mention the fact that it would make him the subject of gossip and derision.

I can totally relate w/this. From the get-go I've struggled w/who to tell and how much. I told my best friend who is in another state and 2 friends who are FBS's and Know what I'm going through (both still married). After many discussions w/my H we told my MIL in order to benefit from her wisdom and experience (she is a FWW).

I do feel that many of my local friendships are now superficial, but even if I told them they wouldn't understand unless they've walked in my shoes (which I pray they never do).

My H told his dad, an out-of-state friend and someone in AA. Beyond that we do tell people that we are in MC and getting help for our marriage. Whatever you decide, you should both be in total agreement.

What I have done with new friendships that are growing deeper is to talk about how we went through a very difficult time in our marriage and sought counseling and worked very hard and are now in a wonderful place. It is the story of hope and healing that I focus on, not on the specific details.

I feel that God will lead us if He wants to use us specifically in another couples life to offer specific help for A issues.

Beyond that...since we are recovered and happy, I agree that unless they have walked the same path, it would be a disservice to my wonderful H and our marriage to throw out the specific detail that it was an A that threw our relationship into a tailspin just to have a story to share. Again, though, you can share the story of difficulty in marriage that resulted in hard work and hope. Anyone in a marriage can relate to that and be encouraged by that.

I personally am an open book on the fact that my H and I spent a year in counseling. I am proud that we put forth so much effort to heal our marriage. I tell anyone, if it fits in the conversation, that my H and I have had marriage counseling. I think the stigma needs to be taken away. The fact that we think enough of our marriage to pursue MC when necessary is POSITIVE!

Hope that helps some in learning how to share more of yourself without unnecessarily sharing.

Blessings,
Glad

I am unsure what self-disclosure in these settings has anything to do with trashing anyone at all, unless of course recovery is stalled.

Its about YOU and your journey and the eventual triumph at its end.

Max

Thanks so much for your replies.

March 27th - I'm sorry you're still in the early stage. I can relate to the struggle and pain you're in. When I was in your stage, I told both sides of parents and FWH's boss, but I didn't/couldn't tell any of my friends for a while. If you have friends who can give you emotional support and you have the need to, you should. The sooner the better. Of course, we're all here for you too. Hang in there.

Believer, Drexxell, MF, ML, & Glad - You're right. When it is the right time, i.g., we're fully recovered and happy, and we're at a point where we can look back and say that we've accomplished a lot, I'll be able to talk about it as a story of triumph and hope, with a smile, without giving out details. Truthfully I've been struggling with R, still on meds and in counseling, so...3/27 and I are definitely two of those who need to hear lots and lots of stories of recovery, healing and hope. (Sorry I guess I ommitted a critical piece of info that I'm still struggling...)

Max - I love your perspective! I never thought of it that way. What a beautiful and refreshing way to look at it! Thank you for sharing it. You lifted me up.

Mellow - I can relate. For a long time, I thought I was the only one among all my friends who was cheated on, so I felt like a complete loser. It didn't help that my own father, who is a FWH himself, blamed me for the A. Plus, like you said, it's personal, and while I'm still struggling with whatever is still lingering, the A is in the past, so I've chosen not to disclose it so far.

24give - You're right re: total agreement. It'd be unfair to my H if I told someone behind his back. That WOULD open up a can of worms. Thank you for pointing it out.

H&F

HandF...thanks for the encouragement. We have only told our best friends...they are a married couple who have had problems related to porn and her father is a FWH so they have a good understanding and my H's Aunt and Uncle who are very trustworthy and dear to us. We hope that recovery continues smoothly and would be glad if our parents and others never had to know. I like what Gladto Press on said and think I will feel that way too. If I can ever help others that might cause us to tell someone. I think what can be hard about not telling is that it can make you feel superficial b/c most problems of this magnitude are shared. I've always been too much of an open book so this has been a very odd thing for me...especially with my mom. We talk everyday and are extremely close...I just wonder when she sees me in person if she'll somehow realize something has happened. HandF...I'm sorry you are still struggling and hope a positive turning point is just around the corner.