Also, this is good.

As hard as it may be to do, validate her pain.

Be her lighthouse.

Be a rock.

WAT

Hi Qbert.

Just voiceing my support. Stay strong & just repeat what WAT has told you.

You can do this.

Take care,

Kim

WW is in bed and the kids are sleeping. Here is what went down tonight.

When I got home tonight WW stated how she need was tired of her life and needed to be on her own. That she didn’t have enough time to get things done and if she was on her own she would have plenty of time to work on her book. She said she was tired of being home with the boys and needed to get a job so she could be on her own and she needed to get out of this marriage. I said if she concentrated on her book instead of talking to OM everyday and carrying on an A she would have plenty of time to get things done. She said she only talks to OM about her book and not everyday.

Well I had enough and the flood gates opened.

I told her for the last 3 months she has been spending time on nothing but talking and emailing OM and SHE has chosen not to work on her book. I told her the fact is I know everything that has been going on.

WW: Yes I’ve been talking to him about the book.

Me: No you and OM have been having phone sex each day. I’ve seen every picture he has sent you and I’ve seen all your responses to those pictures.

WW: you've been on my computer?

ME: Your Dam right I’ve been on your computer. I’ve read every email of yours and OM for the last 2 months.

The rest of our conversation is kind of blurry because a lot was said back and forth. Surprisingly I was relatively calm and stated throughout the conversation that this marriage is worth saving. I told her that I was sorry for my part in not meeting her EN’s which contributed to the deterioration of our marriage, but she alone was responsible for her actions for this A. She said this marriage was over, I don’t love you anymore. We are like brother and sister living in the same house. She has never been happy in our marriage. I told her I understand this is the way she feels now but I am going to continue doing everything possible to save this marriage and I’m not giving up. I reiterated what SH had said that wouldn’t she be happiest if her sons parents where passionately in love with each other. I said the fact is there are many couples that have gone through what we are going through and have saved their marriage and have made it better than before the A. She said nothing. At this point she asked me to go get the boys next door.

When I got back and went upstairs the following exchange occurred.

WW: You can call me a slut and hold everything you learned over me to destroy my life. I’m going to end up living in the gutter.

ME: When have I ever called you a slut? If I didn’t want to save this marriage I would have saved myself all the pain from the last 2 months and have gotten an attorney and divorce you. The fact is I want to save this marriage.

She continued to say that the marriage is over. I asked if she had been so unhappy why in 17 years have we never been to an IC or MC. I said that we have never worked on our marriage and why not spend the next 6 months really trying to save this M and family. Then we can say we tried and at the very least our boys deserved that we try. I said I know you think that if you are happy the boys will be happy (she writes this in her journal alot). I said the fact is there is no trickle down happiness where children and D are concerned. They will be completely devastated and this will affect the rest of their lives. I brought up the book “The legacy of divorce” and said that before she makes any rash decisions she should read this book to see exactly the ramifications D will have on our children. She commented that I would not hold the children over her to keep her in this marriage.

The boys wanted dinner at this point and she went to the bed room to cry.

Well, that’s what happened tonight. She did come down to go for a walk but at this point will not speak to me.

Should I give her space or try and get a dialoge started? This is not going to be the weekend I thought it was going to be! But I do feel a great sense of relief that this is out in the open. I hope that some of this sunk in and it will put a strain on the A. At the very least it is making her think.

Qbert

Kim and WAT Thanks for you continued support!

I'm going to really make an effort to be supportive to her this weekend. On one hand I want to strangle her (NO I WOULD NEVER DO THAT) and the on the other I just want to hug and hold her.

Qbert

Q:

Hang in there this weekend. It may seem overwhelming and gut wrenching and so unfair....BUT, you can be assured many a man and woman here have been in your shoes tonight and lived to tell about it.

Best wishes

LM

Q, you've done a great confrontation with your wife. There's a lot of work left to do though. There is a tiny chance your wife will agree to NC with the OM and agree to work on the marriage. Don't count on it though. Over the next few days, she will recover from the shock of you knowing about the adultery and the fog will settle in. She will find ways to rationalize her behavior, rewriting history even more than she already has.

Assuming she does not immediately agree to NC, your next step is to plan your exposure of this adultery. Make a list of individuals, professional groups your wife belongs to, your pastor or priest, friends and associates, your wife's family, your family, his family and associates, plus anyone else who can reasonably be expected to be able to apply pressure to end the adultery, if by nothing else through showing their disapproval.

Q, the purpose of this step is to bust up the adultery. You are not doing this out of spite; you are not vengeful. Your wife will see it as such, but it is not. She will think you are trying to make sure she never publishes her book. Frankly, that book might be a casualty but, if it proves to be, it is a casualty of her adultery, not your exposure.

Q, this is important. You cannot shield her from the consequences of her adultery. If you do, you give her time and space to reignite the adultery and continue it better hidden than before. If you skip this, based on a misplaced “respect” for her or something that sounds equally noble, you will be condoning the disrespect she has shown the marriage and you. Remember, adulteries thrive in the darkness. They are fed by lies and deceit. By shining the blinding light of exposure on the adultery, you force everything into sharp focus. The relationship begins to whither.

You’ve done well, Q. Expose and begin Plan A. You can do this. You can salvage your marriage and come out the other side of this with a stronger marriage than the one you had before. Hang in there, pardner. The rollercoaster of emotions is about to leave the station.

Longhorn,

I really don't think there is much chance for NC, But we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Checked her cell phone calls after our conversation and there were 4 calls. OM, Brother, Sister and College friend. All of them didn't answer (30 seconds or shorter calls) so she did not talk to anyone yet. Her brother did call back but it looks like the conversation only lasted 3 minutes so she didn't tell him about A. I can only imagine what she is going to tell them. Whatever it is i'm sure it will not include the A. That will be left up to me to inform them.

She is aready blaming me about the book but that is on her shoulders not mine.

Thanks for reminding me about shielding her because that is what I have done in our marriage for the last 17 years. I'm really going to have to watch myself with this issue.

Thanks for the good advice and support.

Qbert

Qbert -

Good Morning! How are you today? Hope you were able to get some sleep last night.

Stay strong and firm in your beliefs and desire to save your M. Continue to Plan A as much as possible even though you just dropped the first bomb.

That's great that you were calm and didn't get overly emotional or angry. Way to go!

Kim

Can you get to them first and expose?

You can assume she's gonna spin you as an axe murderer. She's looking for reinforcements. Try to beat her to the punch. You already know what to say.

WAT

Hi Kim,

A you can imagine sleep did not come easy last night. Don't know what today will bring, but I'll hold strong.

Qbert

WW dropped OM this email last night after exposure.



I guess she is going to lean on him to get through this. I'm going to have to lean on you fellow MB's!

Thanks for your support.

Qbert

Qbert

Qbert, I would first tell her your expectation about no contact and see if she will agree. You might not have to expose at all if she will agree to send him a no contact letter and NEVER speak to him again. If you don't understand how very important this is, go read this thread about the ABSOLUTE IMPORTANCE of compelete nc for life.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#3006936

Then, if she will not agree, start exposing. Expose to her family, your family, the OM's parents, and Human Resources if this is a workplace affair. Don't warn her, just do it so that the shock is devastating to the affair.

Kill the affair to save your marriage, Qbert!

A MUST READ. Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Ask her to send him a letter sampled after this one:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Q, like you, I suspect she will not immediately agree to NC. It's going to be necessary to compile that exposure list and prepare to implement it.

You mentioned hiring a private investigator at one point to develop information on the OM. It seems to me this is a good time to pull the trigger on that. Find out if the OM actually is unmarried and, perhaps equally important, successful in the writing game. What he told your WW is not necessarily true. Guess what? Cheaters lie to each other too. A PI might just be able to find someone on his end with the ability to pressure the affair.

Q, something else worries me. You talked at one time about your savings being depleted in order to finance her self-published children's book. I would put that on hold. It doesn't make sense to pay thousands of dollars for WW's daydream about writing while she's also saying she wants a divorce. You and your children may need this money somewhere down the line…perhaps sooner than you think. I've done some research on the subject and what I've found is self-published books do not, as a general rule, make any money. Most self-published authors go broke publishing the book and never recoup what they put into it.

Conversely, if your WW has a readable, interesting manuscript, publishers are hungry for good material and will pay her for the privilege of publishing the book. Perhaps she should start a little more slowly. She could take some writing classes at the local college if she has not already, enter a few writing contests (such as the ones sponsored by writersdigest.com), and then consider writing a full-scale book. I’m skeptical about the value of the advice given her by this OM. I couldn’t find a single successful writer who recommended self-publishing. Your PI might find out this OM is scamming her big-time. Who knows?

Okay, Q. You know what you have to do. You can’t wait too long to expose this adultery. Ideally, the adultery partners should not be given the opportunity to recover from the shock of you having found out their sordid little secret. Don’t shield her, Q. I’ve never heard of a marriage that ended because a spouse is terminally embarrassed, but thousands die because of adultery. Do not fear exposure. It can gain you allies in your struggle to salvage this marriage and those who won’t be disposed to help you after exposure wouldn’t be on your side anyway. Hang tough, pardner.

As far as the book is concerned she did have several publishers interested but after long discussions decided that for her first book she wanted to have all of creative control and would self-publish. Her career prior to staying home with the kids was as a copywriter and was at the top of her industry so her credentials and talent are not the issue. The illustrations are almost completed (end of this month) by a very successful and talented illustrator. However there is still a fairly large some of money needed to complete the publishing. Where the OM comes in is that WW is planning on producing a CD with a reading of the story and recording of a song she wrote about the book. OM is a graphic artist and owns a music production company, so I think there plan was for OM to do the final mix on the CD, the CD cover and set up WW web site. Our neighbor is a well known and very talented musician/songwriter whom has agreed to sing the song on the CD. The fact is she does not need OM to complete the book or the CD.

I have no doubt the book is going to be great, but I also have no illusions that making money on Children’s books is also difficult. This book has been an ongoing project for 4 years and as a husband (in what I thought was a happy marriage) I have been supportive of my WW dream. Unfortunately she shattered my dream of a happy family and marriage. I have no intention of putting any more money into the printing of book unless there is a sincere desire to save the marriage on her part.

Had a full day with family today. There have been no attempts to call or email OM today. WW also didn’t call for support from her family members. I’m hoping that the reality of the situation may have settled in a little today. She asked and we plan to go to church tomorrow (we just started going to this new church the last several weeks).

Although we didn’t have any R discussion today, we did spend the day together on a house project. It actually seemed like a normal day, which is just to strange after the exposure yesterday. I’m planning on asking for NC tomorrow and see how she responds. I think I’ll print out a sample NC letter to give her. What do you all think about also printing the “Tools for the Wayward Spouse” tread by Patriot92?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Can you think of any other treads for info to give her?


Qbert

Because my W worked with OM 15 years ago, I know what he does for a living and his credentials and they are legitimate. I don't really know how much info a PI would get me. I have no idea how much a PI actually costs, so maybe i'll look into it.

From his business web site he has testimonals from clients, so I could expose to those which may get a negative reaction <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Qbert

Okay. Good luck to her.

You've got work to do, Q. What's your plan?

I spoke with WW tonight and asked her if she would consider trying to save this marriage for the next 6 to 12 months before ruining a family and a marriage. I asked for us to start seeing a MC and for her to talk to an IC. I also stated the importance of NC with OM and if she couldn’t agree to that then there is no hope for healing our marriage. I said that NC means no phone calls or secrete emails asking how each was doing, that she could never talk or see OM again. I could see her breathing increase as I talked about the NC. I then stopped talking and there was silence for a good minute before she quietly agreed to try and asked if she could start seeing an IC before us going to a MC. The fact is she really does need to see an IC because she has a whole lot of issues to deal with that have nothing to do with our M. She has talked for sometime know that she thinks she is Bipolar. I have no idea if this is true but depression does run in her family.


She then asked me to show her how to find an IC covered by our insurance on the Internet. As I was helping her, a problem with our wireless hub prevented us from getting on the web right away and her anxiety climbed through the roof. She ended up crying uncontrollably on the floor. I tried to comfort her but she didn’t want any part of me and so I found her the list of IC.

Then the Venom started to spew! Thanks to WAT I was expecting to hear this so I just said “I understand that is how you are feeling right now”. I didn’t take the bait which I think really surprised her because in the past this is how our heated conversations worked. So thanks again WAT!

She asked me to save the list of IC on her computer so she could call tomorrow and she went up to bed before I could discuss with her how address NC with OM in the form of a letter.

What do you think about me emailing her a NC letter example tonight and tell her about it in the morning?

Qbert

Q, you know your wife. We don't. If she will respond better to the slightly less personal contact by way of email, go ahead. I'm not sure when she's supposed to look at it though.

You did a darn good confrontation with your WW. Are you working on your exposure list to have it ready if she refuses NC?

Yes I've thought about the exposure list. I hope she has been rocked enough to take NC seriously.

I was just thinking back to all of our conversations to date and not once has she said she was sorry for all that has gone on. From you that have been on this rollercoaster ride awhile, how long does it take before WS's truely expresses some remorse for the pain they have caused you.

Qbert