Hello to anyone who's still up at this hour!
I used to come to this board years ago, post afair, as user "So Duped"...thanks again for all the help offered to both my husband and myself!

So why am I here now?...well, it seems some old ghosts are haunting us.

I'm not still struggling with the affair itself, but with the everlasting residual effects.

For the past couple of years I've had a terribly low sex drive. At first the doctors felt it was due to medication. (when I found out about the A I had a bit of a breakdown and was medicated for some time).
I haven't used AD's for 3 years, but can't seem to find any interest in sex.

At this point my husband is feeling completely frustrated and in his words "quite defeated".

It is constantly a bone of contention between us to the point where even the good things in our marriage are now adversly affected.

Has anyone else experienced this so far into recovery?
If so...do you have any advice?

Please help!!!

Thanks,
Banyak

Aloha Banyak,

I remember U. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Did the doc perscribe anything? Mine did. Still a woman's drive starts in her mind.

Howz about a session or 2 w/Steve?

L.

Can you explain 'the everlasting residual effects'? to me/us please.


That way someone might get a better grasp/understanding as to whats happening for you right now...other than a low sex drive...which could have a number of explanations.

Max
(edited coz I can't spell)

Hey L.!!
Nice to see you're still here!

Thus far the doc hasn't given me any scripts...after my last run with meds I'd prefer to keep them as a last resort.
We have done some tests though and everything appears normal.

In terms of 'Midnight nastiness' I'm referring to the late night fighting we seem to do on a regular basis lately.

We go to bed and H. makes it known (in none to subtle a fashion) that he's "in the mood". He tends to be so aggressive that I feel almost clostrophobic and ask him to stop. Instead of backing away and starting off a little more slowly he gets angry and lashes out. He'll say things like "he's been putting up with this S**t since the A and wonders if I'll ever go back to the way things used to be."
He constantly accusses me of being 'screwed in the head' and that he's entitled to satisfy his desires 'as a man'.

This seems to be the only topic we can't simply talk about. In other aspects of our marriage we do quite well and are always checking in on eachothers needs.

Sex has become such a huge issue that neither of us knows what to do about it any more. We've tried counselling, a few books and talking on neutral ground instead of in the bedroom, but we just can't seem to understand the way the other is feeling...does that make any sense?

A.

Have you given your husband instructions on how to structure an evening so that you will say yes? Your reaction to his clumsy sounding approach is completely reasonable, but it does not help you or him. You end up approached in a way that feels wrong. He feels rejected and frustrated.

The question is, how and when can your husband approach you for sex and not be rebuffed. Whatever the answer to that is, tell him in no uncertain terms so that he is not left guessing.

We have tried that approach without much success I'm afraid.
There are times I feel that a certain approach may work and then in the thick of things I start to feel like I can't follow through.
I've tried following some of SH's advice and made myself be with him, but truthfully, the way I feel afterward is so awful that I can't bring myself to use that method very often.

I feel so guilty about this...my H is a kind and loving man that I do think is attractive, but for some reason I just don't feel the desire for sex.

I know shortly after the A the problem was seeing him with her in my mind when he tried to be physically close. I haven't had that problem in some time but yet still pull away from him by reflex.
By the time I realize what I've done he's already feeling regected and the 'mood' is lost.

I have no idea how to spark that interest in myself again.
Despite what the doctor tells me I'm really starting to wonder if there isn't something wrong with me.

Now I've done it!

H just got home (out with a friend for the evening) and I told him I've come back to the boards.

I'm not sure he's very comfortable with the idea that I'm here talking on this particular subject, but hasn't asked me to stop. I'm nervous about having him read this thread and get angry that I've shared something so private here...wish me luck!

Please forgive the bluntness of this. This is a grownup post for sure.

You've got two problems. The first is your lack of a fulfulling sex life. Go to therapy. There's nothing I know to tell you to fix this. Women's sexuality is very complicated and it could be any of a number of things.

The second problem is your husband's lack of a good sex life. This I have a few suggestions about. If your husband is looking for hot sex rather than intimacy, then you may find that giving him oral sex, or using your hands or, if you are big chested, your breasts may give him a great time without your having to feel as intimate. Everyone wants to feel they are good in bed. The danger with this approach is that he won't feel good in bed. So make sure that while you are doing this you are telling him how good he feels, how hot he is. Be graphic.

Also take control. Come on to him. Not only does this give you the power in the situation but will also be something he finds hot. Get him just as he's coming out of the shower. Or in the middle of the night. Use whatever non-intercourse technique you two prefer and if you can't feel turned on yourself, feel good about how good you are in bed.

Make sure you get a good water based lubricant. "Wet" tends to be in the stores. It's OK. "Probe" is much better IMO. This will come in handy in lots of ways. Use it when bringing him to climax with your hands or breasts. Also, if you decide the moment is right for intercourse but your body is not quite there, that can get you over the edge.

And if what he really wants is intimacy.... that's going to take solving your first problem. But at least you're trying.

Post deleted by Cherished

Sounds to me like you have developed an aversion to sex because of those images that used to plague you and you have an automatic reaction. I suggest a sex therapist.

OK so you have said, your feeling basically overwhelmed by his aggressiveness and then when you ask him to slow down, his response is anger, with some not so nice and quite hurtful comments.

and most experiences are like this for you?

If they are and in answering this I am assuming they are.

I personaly would think you would not have to delve much further than this at present. In saying that I do not want you to feel I am excluding other answers or options.

In relation to what you wrote...

What do you think?

Max

Wow...I've got to check these boards more often (kids you know!-I don't get here till later at night)

I have to say the above posts have sparked quite the conversation between my H and I.
I did show him this thread, and although he's not totally comfortable with all of it, he is willing to let me continue on here, and will participate when he can.

Thank you to everyone for your posts!

I would like to address a couple of them now...

First Mebe...
Gotta say that you made my H laugh out loud...the one that comes straight from the belly if you know what I mean. He wasn't laughing at you, but more at the fact that you read his mind!
I haven't tried the exact approach you suggested but do have some concerns based on past experience with something similar.
You see...my H is quite fond of my chest, not that it's anything special...just that it's a fettish for him. He tends to be 'at' my chest quite a bit in both sexual and nonsexual situations. It gets to the point that I feel he's not interested in me or my feelings at all - just the chance to play with his favorite toys. I would be afraid that by trying your approach I would feel more like I was being used and only add to my difficulty...any thoughts?

Bigkahuna - I think you may have a point...I honestly hadn't considered that I may have an aversion to sex. Perhaps there's something in recovering from the A that we didn't do as completely as we could have. I'm not sure a therapist is feasable at this time, but what would you think about looking at our recovery work and re-doing some parts of it?

Max...I appreaciate what you wrote...and sometimes wish it were true, but it doesn't look that way any more. My H is so torn apart by this issue that it's become part of every aspect of our life. Our marriage is not doing well as a result, and I'm afraid if we don't find a way to improve this situation we'll end up in some real trouble.

One of the things that also troubles me is that my husband equates physical with emotional. If he doesn't receive SF he doesn't feel loved, and if it continues long enough he begins to doubt my commitment to him. He's even accused me of having an affair as a result of his feelings (only once mind you..but that was more than enough). For me, if SF is the main EN he has then I need to overcome this problem or we will continue to have marital difficulty.

I'm looking forward to anything you all my have to add.
Thanks!

Go read His Needs/Her Needs (TOGETHER).

Hey you know you guys best, I was simply going off what was written.

You see, one of our most primal needs is the need to feel physically and pychologically safe.... and you can wrap that around any situation.

Even if there was an underlying problem in the beginning, from what you wrote I had assumed it had layered itself.

Max

M.M.

Sorry if I wasn't all that clear in my previous posts...I've got so much mulling around in my head that I think I'm throwing bits and pieces out there without filling in the gaps.
Perhaps I've been overthinking the whole thing. Sigh...I'm just not sure anymore.
Your are absolutely right about the need to feel physically and psychologically safe though.
Maybe I need to spend some time thinking on what needs to be in place so I can feel that way again. Thanks for bringing it up.

Orchid,
You've got a point there!
We gave that book away to another couple a year or so ago...time for a trip to the bookstore I think!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Another bad day, GRRRRRRRRR

H is in an awful mood. Today he hates his job, has no patience with the kids, thinks one of his best friends is a pain in the A##, and somehow or other seems to feel justified in treating me like I'm responsible for it all.

I've done my best not to 'engage', but it's wearing me thin.

To top it off, he's asked if I'll 'cuddle' when I get to bed.

Oh yeah...I'm CERTAINLY in the mood for that!

Banyak, I'm seeing alot of our history in your situation, we're still struggling as well, although I already had an aversion to SF before the A. Another story.

Anyways, MC suggested setting a time limit, 1wk? no sex. During this time engage in other types of intimacy including hand holding, cuddling during a movie etc..(not quite to the degree of other post, no sex means no sexual contact-don't allow him to use the Bill Clinton handbook.)

The idea is if there'a absolutely no pressure on you, regardless of how physical the activity, then perhaps you can relax and enjoy the actual physical closeness again.

The next step is then to schedule a night for sex(here's where I just had to bite the bullet). If he tries to initiate sex before this night or applies pressure then the time period starts all over again.

Sorry, that last bit sounds kinda like a child's time out but I think you get the idea.

I hope it's helpful.

Thanks APL,

I like your suggestion...thank you again!
I've read something similar in an article by SH on this site.
I do have a question though... for you or anyone else inclined to answer.
When you 'bit the bullet' and went ahead with SF without really wanting to, how did you feel afterwards?
If your feelings were negative, how did you deal with that?

Hello Banyak, Glad to see you're working on recovery.

I don't know your age, but one thing that could factor in is the level of hormones you are secreting. Do you have access to a Dr. who is an endocrinologist? (SP?) Check the levels of your hormones. If that is the problem, there is a simple remedy. Supplemental hormones. Questions?