I loved the waiting for evidence idea, but I would caution against it if you are pretty sure you've caught the affair early on. I only had a phone bill as "evidence" but it clearly showed it was only going on heavy for about 3-4 weeks. I believe that had I waited on evidence to pile in, the EA would have become a PA. Not absolutely sure it didn't anyways and have no way of ever being 100% positive, but am almost 100% positive it would have had I waited another 3 months.

I do love the idea of having the printout of handing to her. I wish I could've had the forsigth to look up this sight in advance. I kind of blew it when I confrinted and did the ultimatum thing. CLearly a mistake, but didn't know any better at the time.

My "evidence folder" is about 1" thick. I confronted and exposed and it did effectively stop the A. WH has given limited disclosure. He has no idea about everything I have. If WH evers starts walking and talking like H I may share it with him some day.

Gathering evidence gave me a focus during the chaos of A. It validated that I was not imagining things and I was NOT crazy. I finally had tangible proof that the "friendship" was a cover.

I made copies of everything, phone records, receipts, credit card statements, PI report, tape, my journal entries.My lawyer has one set, I have another in safe keeping.

[color:"blue"] My "evidence folder" is about 1" thick. [/color]

It truely is

a

wonderful day

when YOU

the betrayed

decide to toss out the no-longer needed

"betrayed folder"

truely

a good good day

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

bump up for stina

Like a lot of others...I suspected for a couple of weeks. Finally 'caught' her trying to close chat windows so I couldn't see what was in them...she succeeded in closing the window, but later that nite I hacked her IM account and enabled logging.

Five days later I was able to look at the logs...and emailed them to myself at 3 different email accounts. Went to work (without telling her goodbye since I was soooo stunned by what I had just started to read)...she IM'ed me that morning asking why I hadn't said good bye. I told her something came up...she asked what and I emailed the log file back to her...obviously that morning was d-day.

I'm glad I didn't wait either. They were discussing meeting up at a family trip that we'd had planned for a few weeks later...and it would have gone PA then for sure.

Gotta look for that 'balance' of having enough information vs. waiting too long and letting the affair become entrenched.

believer - an idea

Please consider re-titling this thread "Confronting the Wayward Spouse 101" or something like that, and maybe even expand your openning post to create a good "how to" reference thread for this important topic. I think it could become a staple "go to" thread for newbies fortunate enough to find it before they do a lesser job of confrontation.

WAT

To Susan, who asked why the recovery had stalled, I can offer this: The A is dead and buried. The aspects of the marriage that were lacking leading up to the A are still lacking. H and I do not communicate well, and I see myself as generally disrespected by his actions. Furthermore, the deal breaker is this: When I gained weight, H became disgusted by my looks and withheld any kind of SF...for three years. (Now we're going on 4 years with NO intimate contact of ANY kind.) Sure, I'm getting my body back, but I really don't want to be with someone who deserted me sexually for 3 years, and then chose to be with a 21 year old (half our ages). For me, it's different than the man who says, "We were doing well, then something happened, and we stopped communicating. That led to less SF, and then to the A." Instead, it's, "My wife was a disgusting, fat slob, so I wouldn't sleep with her. Eventually I found a firm, young thing, and had wonderful SF. I realize affairs are wrong, so whenever my W gets her body back, I'll sleep with her then." See? For me, I cannot find it in my heart to trust that I won't be ten years older and a bit more saggier the next time this happens. BTW, before you think I look like Jabba The Hut, know that I work out 3-5x per week, am training for a triathlon, and have a healthy BMI. I'm just not the young, tight-bodied, flat-abbed, PYT I was when he married me, now that I've had two kids. Thought being a mom would make me more attractive to him, but that wasn't how it materialized. I know this has digressed off the topic orginally started by believer, so I'll delete it in a while...just wanted to reply to Susan's question. Thanks for asking. I gave a more detailed status earlier last week, but I still haven't figured out how to do links yet (after almost a year!) but I'll get it on here eventually.

Thank you.

I don't think there is any need to delete. Believer won't mind the threadjack and after all, it IS about you.

I understand what you are saying. I'm 50 years old myself and obviously not in the same shape as when we married, but neither is he.

BUT...besides love, the glue that holds the marriage together now is respect for each other plus our integrity. I don't think either of us could ever have another A.

*BUMP*
for exposure junkies