How can I stop reading? Mesmerizing...you write really well...Do you think you're feeling better because you spoke your truth? About choosing to love and choosing, in part, because of the kids?

Did you hear a really big disclosure as to why your H is cold and nasty and distant? Fear. Big fear. He broke down because of it clutching his chest and throat...hearing his protective voice inside saying, don't get too close...don't open...stay safe...which means to self, stay betrayed.

Fear betrays...fear behind anger, resentment, frustration...fear grows, if you feed it...and I believe that today, your H heard this, in a small way...and his fear, of all he has wrecked...missing you, his best friend and most cherished wife...and figuring out that he's broken (which he isn't) untrustworthy to self, and protecting him from himself through distance with you...well, big step.

You stayed safe and true, AmI. BIG KUDOS to self, 'k? You deserve your own party and sleepover. You really do! LOL

And you let yourself be hugged...and I believe you hugged back that way...and your ILY sounded automatic to your H, and he CHECKED...for validity...because his fear tells him you don't love, that you fear losing him...that your fears are his fears, too...projection.

What a great session...no letter needed...and I believe you know more, feel more and are okay with all of it more right now...see your perspective and hold to it...tough to stay in it, like breaking in new shoes...you want to take them off...keep it on...because you learned he isn't not loving you...he is fearing greatly...

Fearing to fall in love, be befriended, be open and vulnerable...and he fears finding out you do not love him...I believe...the most.

((((AmI))))

It's a process, not an event.

LA

Thank you. I really like to write, so I appreciate the compliment.

I think I'm feeling better for a few reasons ...

Yes, because I spoke my truth.
And because I heard some of his truth. And heard him have some fear and uncertainty -- which takes some of the edge off of the anger and coldness and distance that was all I had been seeing -- and the certainty that he was "done" which I had read into it.
I feel like I can face the problems more easily now that I can see them a little better. Like I have better information for making my own decisions and choices.

It's amazing what a difference it can make to really hear where someone else is coming from, instead of trying to guess. It's such a reinforcement of how valuable it is for me to share my own real feelings, instead of what I think people want to hear.

I feel better all the way around. More comfortable with myself, like I stepped out with my new way of thinking, and it was ok. It wasn't so scary, and it felt good. And it was so real and honest and clean feeling.


Plus, I'm just so darn lovable, and getting better every day ..... he won't be able to resist for long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to share with you, AmI, how amazing I think you are...because I talked about your posts with my DH last night, during our foot-rubbing/sharing time...and I couldn't shut up!

LOL

Can you see where DJs hurt you as well as FWH and your marriage? When you chose to DJ his coldness, distancing, nastiness and anger as being about you and the marriage, you felt strong emotions...and when you heard it was about him, his fear, his uncertainty...you felt relief. You did that.

You.

See how powerful we are with ourselves?

DJs hurt ourselves greatly...distort reality...just like A's, which are DJs Maxed Out...same for your permission to yourself to see him as "Done" even as he was going to MC with you.

Your choice. Powerful choice.

You are really getting this vital lesson: "It's amazing what a difference it can make to really hear where someone else is coming from, instead of trying to guess. It's such a reinforcement of how valuable it is for me to share my own real feelings, instead of what I think people want to hear."

Revoke your permission to guess, mindread or assume...and do it for you.

And kudos for yourself for getting that immediate, real payoff of feeling good about hearing, stating, sharing your real self...self is worth sharing.

Very funny on the earning love by being so darn lovable..."resistance is futile!" lol Still, that tells self a truth you now know...YOU ARE.

Thank you for blessing my life AmI...

LA

Thank you, sometimes I don't feel very amazing.... just taking that next step.

Someday H and I will have foot-rubbing time again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I definitely can see where the DJ's were hurting. I'm still working on recognizing them when I'm in the middle of them instead of afterwards.


The lesson about sharing my own feelings has been a huge one. I thought it was hard learning the lesson, putting it into actual practice has been REAL work!


We had a decent weekend. Played Monopoly with the kids all afternoon yesterday, which was fun. Still things are fairly distant, but polite, at least.


I've been thinking about H saying that I don't stand up to him, don't have a backbone, that I would let him run over me if he wanted to. I really don't think that's true, because he also says that he has no control, that I do everything my way and don't listen to him. He even will sometimes tell his friends that "the warden" (me) won't "let him" when he wants to do something.

So, where is the compromise between being a warden and not having a backbone at all? I don't accept his statements -- I don't think that I am a warden, and I don't think that I let him run over me. I do need to keep working on speaking up when something bothers me, so I'm doing that.

But I still have a question about falling between being a warden and being a doormat. Is pointing out how I feel about something enough? Do I need more aggressive boundaries? Frankly, other than the cursing, there's not a whole lot that he does that really is all that bad. And he hasn't done that at all in the last week (all part of the new coldness and distance thing).

I am thinking about pointing out to him when I do "stand up for myself", or when I do make decisions.

What I really think he sees as a lack of backbone is that I'm still here after the A, and still trying to work on things. Is that a DJ? To assume that's what he means? I think I will ask him about that.

I'm getting pretty brave in being able to ask questions and say what I think, even if he doesn't listen or respond.


I used to always tell my sister that Love is a choice. That you won't always have the warm fuzzy's or the knock-your-socks-off lightning bolts .... but that love is a choice that you make even when you don't feel the slightest bit warm or fuzzy. H used to agree with me about that. Where is that person??? Disappearing when things aren't so warm and fuzzy..... I'm pretty angry about that.

I think it would be in your best interest to ask for clarification on the backbone subject. There may not be any merit to the statement, but at least you will know, and not wonder. It does sound like he's still foggy.

I had to actually tell DH that I wasn't scare of him anymore! DH couldn't understand what I meant but it was more for me than him. I had to speak it loudly to him, and whenever I feel myself fearful of asking or saying something, I think about saying "I'm not scare of you anymore!" Now, later, when the situation was calmer I explain that I've had a fear of speaking up, saying what I wanted. I did not tell him that he intimidated me for years. I did say that his anger was the reason I didn't speak. So, we did have a good talk about it, maybe you need to reaffirm in yourself that you are not scared. I was afraid of the unknown, and the unknown can't hurt me, and neither can anything else unless I give it that power.

Are you scared, if so what is it that you're scared of? Can you face that fear?

Thanks, Rin.

Yes, I do have some fear that I've had for a very, very long time (way before H, even). I believed for a long time that if I don't do and say just the right thing, then people will leave me, or won't love me, or won't like me. Opening up and saying what I really feel, instead of what I think people want to hear, is an entirely new world for me.

I'm definitely learning that, and starting to get used to it.

But I also have a very strong personality. I'm absolutely a leader type, I take things on, make decisions, fix problems and do what has to be done. I never wait for H to save the day or make the decision. And I can sometimes be passive-aggressive about it, doing things without talking to H because I assume that he won't like it (easier to ask forgiveness than permission). I'm working on that, too.

So I know that I need to get better about sharing my feelings. What I can't quite figure out is where the balance is between telling him what he can or can't do (warden) as opposed to "letting" him run me over (doormat). I don't think either of those is an accurate picture of me, but I'm still unsure of where the line should be between the two.


Oh, and yes, I've asked for clarification, or examples .... he says he knows I *would* let him run right over me. He just doesn't.

-AmI.


(OT p.s.)
There is a hummingbird that comes to the (evergreen!?) tree outside my office window every day. He's there right now, fluttering around and zooming back and forth. He always makes me smile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



.

AmI,

Rin has great advice...ask about the backbone...you can say, "DH? I was thinking about what you said in MC about you see me as not having backbone. Would you help me understand your point of view by pointing out when you see me this way? I appreciate your help."

See, this distinguishes what he sees from what you see...and this is where projection messes with communication. He may see himself as not standing up to you, having no backbone, letting himself be walked over...believe it or not (my H did)...and he may be projecting that onto you. Truly. Or you may have already nailed it...you brought him dinner when he betrayed you (in his mind...undeserving, therefore, any kind act is one undeserved, must be you fearing losing him...financially, usually)...because letting your love into him...your acts of love as just those...acts of love...may be like the sharpest stab.

Ever felt that? An act of kindness HURT terribly? Someone being concerned, who you don't even know, genuinely concerned for you...when you don't deserve it...when you believe you do not deserve it...whoa boy, it hurts...

Better to project it away, huh? Make it something else...than experience that startling slice.

Something to keep in mind, AmI, when "I really don't think that's true," because that's a signal you are messing with his truth, and yours, trying to find out THE truth...which doesn't negate his opinion, how he views, thinks, feels...nor you, for seeing and feeling it differently, right?

"because he also says that he has no control, that I do everything my way and don't listen to him. He even will sometimes tell his friends that "the warden" (me) won't "let him" when he wants to do something."

I subject to the jury, Madame Foreman...projection.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

"So, where is the compromise between being a warden and not having a backbone at all? I don't accept his statements -- I don't think that I am a warden, and I don't think that I let him run over me. I do need to keep working on speaking up when something bothers me, so I'm doing that."

"But I still have a question about falling between being a warden and being a doormat. Is pointing out how I feel about something enough? Do I need more aggressive boundaries? Frankly, other than the cursing, there's not a whole lot that he does that really is all that bad. And he hasn't done that at all in the last week (all part of the new coldness and distance thing)."

And put this next to your last post:

"So I know that I need to get better about sharing my feelings. What I can't quite figure out is where the balance is between telling him what he can or can't do (warden) as opposed to "letting" him run me over (doormat). I don't think either of those is an accurate picture of me, but I'm still unsure of where the line should be between the two."

You can see you working it through...where the balance is between telling him what he can or can't do...do you really do that? Why would you tell someone what they can or can't do...when you have no control?

Boundaries are not telling someone else what they can or can't do...they are telling them what you will do when they choose to cross your boundaries.

"I am thinking about pointing out to him when I do "stand up for myself", or when I do make decisions."

You want to point out...to prove? Why would you attempt to disprove what he sees, feels, thinks? Are you questioning what you actually do? Your awareness is way up now...I believe you. I do not believe you're a doormat...at all. I believe you are in your power, choosing well and acting from love...you can not prove his fear away, can you?

"What I really think he sees as a lack of backbone is that I'm still here after the A, and still trying to work on things. Is that a DJ? To assume that's what he means? I think I will ask him about that."

See how high your self-awareness is?

"I'm getting pretty brave in being able to ask questions and say what I think, even if he doesn't listen or respond."

You are learning to not choose your actions and words based on possible response...this is being true to yourself, your standards and boundaries...of course I'll ask about the DJ within the honest statement...how do you know when he doesn't listen?

"I used to always tell my sister that Love is a choice. That you won't always have the warm fuzzy's or the knock-your-socks-off lightning bolts .... but that love is a choice that you make even when you don't feel the slightest bit warm or fuzzy. H used to agree with me about that. Where is that person??? Disappearing when things aren't so warm and fuzzy..... I'm pretty angry about that."

Your FWH chose badly...he chased fantasy, which is the definition of losing reality...and he did it through fear, resentment, entitlement and lack of respect.

NOT OT...hummingbirds...stunningly small, fast, thrilling creatures; iridescent life...they would be to me what fairies are...charming personified, ingenues on parade...I think they represent the dichotomy, complexity, and a being blessed beyond reasoning.

How 'bout you?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

I went out for a run tonight, after dinner, and took the dog with me (invited H, but he didn't want to go). About half way through, it started raining, pretty hard. We got soaked. We were getting close to home, and here came H to pick us up.

I thanked him, he didn't say anything except "I thought you were going on your bike." Then it was silent treatment, so I just babbling on about the rainbow I saw, where we were when it started raining, that the dog got all excited about some donkeys that we walked past, etc.

I thought it was sweet for him to come get me, and I told him so.

That feel-good-ness only lasted for the minute or so it took to get home. As soon as we walked in the door, he started making arrangements to go drink with a friend whose wife is out of town. I said "You guys can do that over here, then I don't have to stay up late with the boys, since I have to work tomorrow." (H told DS that he could have a friend spend the night, on the premise that he'd stay up to watch them.)

He ignored me.

I said "I would really like it if you'd stay here. Friend can come over here if you want." No response.

"H, this really doesn't feel good to me. You asked me to tell you when I have a problem, but now you are ignoring me."

He said "I'll try to be home by midnight. If I'm not, then call me, I will need a ride home if I stay until then. I don't want to sleep there." Then he walked out the door.

So what are my boundaries here? Don't go pick him up? This friend lives around the corner from OW. I am positive that H has not had any contact with OW recently, but wouldn't that just be a perfect setup to re-start things? Drunk as ******, don't want to drive home, wife is angry that he went out and won't come pick him up, and here's a welcoming bed nice and close by where no one is going to give him a hard time for not being home tonight.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
One step forward, 5 steps back ....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Have a lot of learning to do in the world of boundaries!!!!


Here's my update from last night's situation:

The update is that I saw (via GPS that he doesn't know is on his phone) him leave friends house and go to a bar that he and OW used to go to together. I gave him a few minutes, then called him and as sweetly as anything, asked if he wanted a ride home. He actually told me he was at the bar, but he wasn't ready to come home yet, and he'd call me 'in a couple of hours' to come get him (so at 2 am, and I have to work this morning). He also said that he'd need a ride back to friend's house, because that's where he left his truck.

SO alarm bells were going off, and I went totally reactive. I drove down to the bar where he was, the entire way, just positive that I'd walk in to see him and OW. I was prepared for a fight -- THE fight, final showdown -- take your little bicycle and get out of my life -- kind of thing.

But I got there, and it was just him and friend, and they were just telling "war" stories about work. I saw the receipt, and it was just them there drinking. I even caught the waitress by the bathroom at one point -- out of their eye and ear shot and asked if anyone else had been with them, and she said no, that they had talked to some guys at another table that she thought they must have known, but that was it.

So I hung out and had a beer with them. A couple of other guys showed up that they know, and we all just hung out and chatted for a while then went home. It actually turned out to be relatively pleasant.

I guess the end result turned out ok, but this reactive thing is not good for me. I really need to learn how to set good boundaries.

I started another thread last night, trying to catch some immediate advice, and Neak suggested a "trustworthy bag" -- some of his stuff packed up and ready for him if he is not acting "trustworthy".

I guess since I am not ready for Plan B, I just really have no idea what other options are open to me for boundary enforcement in cases like this. I have to tell you, this situation was a huge trigger for me, it was almost the exact same setup as d-day 1. I was definitely not at my best last night.


Ugh .... soooooo much to learn!!!


LA, I'm sorry that it seems like I ignored your whole post -- I didn't, I just let myself get too caught up in the immediate circumstances. I have lots of things I want to reply to in what you wrote, too. I will try to do that a little later today. I really, really appreciate you so much. You've made such an incredible impact on my life. Thank you.

-AmI

Hey, AmI...Don't worry about my ol' post...you're right. Something came up.

You did well expressing your thoughts from last night, as they were happening and then this morning...

Tell me something...why is it your job to keep him away from OW? When he was leaving, after you stated how you felt, what you preferred...and he said he'd need a ride, where was the respect?

"I know you're a grown man, my H, and you are capable of staying sober, getting yourself home, without messing up my sleep schedule. I know you respect my needs, too."

His choices are just that...to drink and drive (he chooses, he bears the consequences)...yes, there are a ton of bad decisions to be made out there...and leaving last night was one of them...

How much do you value your sleep, your schedule?

At the point H is leaving, and you said H was supposed to stay up with the boys...would you have taken home your son's friend? Would you have said, "Well, plans changed. I'll drive you home?"

I ask because I think you are a huge CA and a Smoother...others choose and you smooth...you're choosing to smooth. Stop. Can you do the really tough stuff...the embarrassing...are you afraid of looking like the bad guy...in order to honestly be the respectful one?

Funny how we struggle to teach our children...make them take care of themselves, follow a schedule...and most adults I meet have the HARDEST time being good to themselves...what do you show your children and why?

I'm so sorry he hurt you this way...being thoughtful one day and disrespectful the next.

Were you O&H at the bar? "I am triggering so badly right now." And explain the trigger...what it feels like...to him and his buddy...share your shock at how hard and deep it feels...whether you feel like puking...crying...hitting something...it's news. Share it.

No doormat there, AmI.

Get out of the way of others' consequences. Own your own...you're sleepless from choice...you mothered your H last night...he drove out to pick you up when the rain interrupted your run...do you equate that with going out fully intending to not be responsible for his drinking?

Clear your lines, AmI...get set on your part, the way you balance, do trade offs and avoid what looks like conflict...because those two are not the same, are they?

LA

I've been processing all of this for a little while. It's all so related. Nice of life to throw a big, fat test right at me when I'm just starting to try to figure out the boundaries thing.


This is exactly what I meant whenI was talking about the Warden/Doormat question. No, I would have never before told him he can't (or has to) do something. I don't think he needs my permission.

Before, I would have not said anything about how I was feeling, and then just been mad that he went ... he should have read my mind and known that I was not ok with it.

Now, I am learning to speak, say what I feel. But based on last night, that isn't enough. I think I ended up doing a pretty nice job of being a doormat despite what I thought I had learned.

And all of this piled on top of where we are with out R, at such a fragile place right now -- No solid "let's fix this" commitment, he feels he's faling out of love ..... everything just feels so incredibly shaky right now. It makes it even scarrier to step out and take the steps I need to take.

And I have a hard time even knowing what the steps are. Something's just not clicking for me here. Sharing my feelings was good, and it did make me feel stonger and better -- so even just for myself, that's got to keep going, keep getting bettter. But it wasn't enough, and I seized up after that, with no clue of what to do next. Fell back on my worrying and mothering and trying to control.

I just don't quite get how to "demand respect" without making demands. I sure can't make him give respect.... There was no respect last night when he was telling me he'd need a ride as he was walking out the door.

My brain hurts .... sooooooo much to learn. Sure wish I'd learned some of this as a kid!!!


I'm still processing and thinkingsome more, just wanted to kind of talk out some of what's swirling around in my head right now.


-AmI.

Oh, I think I have that familiar feeling! LOL Mine feeling like my 4 year old has scribbled all over my dry erase board (my brain), and now I have to decipher what's underneath! LOL

LOL, Believe it or not, you're doing well!

Thanks, Rin.

My brain is definitely feeling fried this afternoon.


I'm trying to turn it off for a few minutes, and watch my little hummingbird who is back for his usual visit this afternoon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And was thinking about the rainbow I saw last night right before it started to rain. It was a double rainbow, but the bottom one had the red on the outside (top) and the top rainbow had the red on the inside (bottom). It was really kind of neat, I thought they always were the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that I am more angry about the current situation than the A. That he continues to make the choice. Not to follow the A, but to start checking out when things aren't all sunshine and roses:
Don't feel all gooey and snuggly at the moment? Well, that means the love is plummeting! Not likely to ever get it back ... Certainly can't *choose* to love, can't *choose* to make it better, no matter what reasons there might be to make that choice .... just waiting on the magic fairy dust to make him **feel** good and fluffy. THEN there will be love again.

At least until the next time that things just don't feel good.


What is that????


Where is the man I knew who believed so much in commitment? He used to tell ME that love and M weren't about temporary feelings -- that those are nice, but they come and go. And the real key to it was commitment.


Where is that man???? Where is that commitment???? Since when does he not honor a promise, just because it doens't feel good???? This is a man who has, and still would, put himself in all kinds of physically painful, precarious situations; has put his life and health and livelihood on the line for the sake of duty and commitment -- to country and to job and to family and friends. Where did his duty to his marriage and our little family go?????


Ugh. Just had to rant a little bit, I guess. I'm really angry about this particular thorn. And I keep bumping into it and getting side-tracked as I'm trying to process all of the other pieces about boundaries and respect and ....
Thought I'd vent it here to try to get it out a little bit.


Wow, do I have a lot of work to do!!!

Thanks.
-AmI

I think your rant netted you something important, AmI...

"That he continues to make the choice. Not to follow the A, but to start checking out when things aren't all sunshine and roses"

Could this be your duality of doormat/tyrant? Sunshine and roses to sunburn and thorns? Two extremes...and you seeing one man and him being another today...

Right now.

He's the same man with different permissions...one who didn't self-medicate before and now one who does...same man.

Are you feeling like bait and switch? Is this you feeling fear and your anger jumping up high? Or did he earn your love a bit, by being who he was before...how he was...what he chose?

Ponder, please don't dig...within yourself, these questions...about you. Your O&H statements depend it...find your fear and talk to it...listen to it...find out what this huge fear is...so you will know it directly...

And breathe...vent...rant...give your highest truth...so you'll know you aren't lost, broken or disrespectful...because you're respecting self.

LA

P.S. Describe that rainbow more, pretty please...I can't see it and I really want to see it...I thought they parallelled each other, also.

Thanks, LA.

I look forward to your posts to me. They always make me think ... which I will admit sometimes drives me nuts, especially when I'm looking for the magic fix it wand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I really am learning a lot from you, and I appreciate your patience with me. Sometimes my progress really feels slow!


Yes, I am feeling like bait and switch ... Like I made that initial choice and commitment to love him based on who he said he was, who he presented. Is that earning love? If you have a reason for making the choice to love someone -- does that mean they earned it?

I'm going to have to think about this.

I also think some of this anger traces back a little to him saying I don't have a backbone. I think that standing by my commitment, even when it hurts terribly and I have a perfect excuse to get out of it, shows quite a bit of backbone. Not so sure I've seen much courage and backbone coming from him in any of this. I don't think being mean and disrespectful takes much backbone.

Lots to think about, and sleep on tonight. DS had a club thing tonight, so DD and I made a checkerboard cake with a cake pan set that the kids gave me for my birthday. It was fun, but I was happy to finally get them in bed so I can head there myself very soon. I'm wiped out from lack of sleep last night.


The rainbow was gorgeous. At first, the outside rainbow was really, really faint. But just before the rain really cut loose, they both got dark and vivid. They ran parallel to each other -- kind of stacked on top of each other, but not touching each other -- there was probably two or three fingers width between them, if I had held my hand up in front of me to try to measure. It's just that the colors were reversed. The top rainbow started with dark, dark purple outside, and went through all the normal colors of the rainbow, blue, green, yellow, orange, and then a beautiful susnset pink/red on the inside, bottom edge closest to the bottom rainbow. Then there was a space of dark gray-green sky just rolling back behind them. The bottom rainbow was like a slightly smaller mirror image of the outside rainbow. It picked up the red on it's outside edge, then went orange, yellow, green blue, and ended with that same deep purple -- on the bottom, inside arc.

It was really beautiful, kind of awe-inspiring. I was telling the dog (yes, talking to the dog, and he probably would have thought it was crazy, too, if he hadn't been so excited about the donkeys he saw) that it was God's promise to us, that He was holding us in His hands and taking care of us. It made me smile and feel very peaceful at least for those few moments. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


-AmI

(((AmI)))...I smiled so widely because you shared this:

"especially when I'm looking for the magic fix it wand."

Often, I want to write :::ducking:::: because of that wand I feel someone wants to beat me with!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

What a lovely, tear-spilling post, AmI...thank you for allowing me to see that double-rainbow, through your eyes, hear your dog...feel the moment. You just added to my life.

Thank you.

LA

LOL!! Yes, I admit that very often I wish for the wand instead of having to do the hard work of learning and thinking! I probably wouldn't beat you with it, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


So, I still haven't quite figured this piece out ... having reasons for making the choice to love -- is that the same as the person earning love? Can you expand on this a little for me?


I'm also trying to process some of the anger I have at H. I think some of it is coming from assumptions and DJ's on my part, and focusing on the wrong things. I feel like he's given up and done and ready to walk, and I'm irritated that he doesn't seem willing to do any of the heavy lifting, runs at the first sign of trouble; that's where a lot of my anger towards him has been coming from. But if I can step back and breathe a little, and look for what is there instead of what I want to see ... then there is some effort there. He is going to MC with me. He is still living at home, coming home to me, sleeping in our bed. He still lets me know where he is and if he's going to be late. He hasn't had any contact at all with OW. He doesn't work so much overtime anymore (which he has said he sees as a big sacrifice, although it doesn't make as much of a difference to me). So there's some effort ... and probably much bigger effort than I've been giving him credit for.

He's also being a little more O&H by saying the things he says in MC. Even though it doesn't feel good to hear them, I do like the fact that he's willing to be honest about it.

I'm trying to think about those things, keep my focus on the good stuff. So far it's helping a little bit.

And it's also reinforcing that I need to open my mouth and share my feelings. Partly, that I need to tell him what things would have impact on me (i.e. the working overtime thing). But mostly, and I don't know how to explain this very well, just that it is almost reinforcing to myself that my feelings and beliefs are valid and real -- particularly about love being a choice, and that I'm making that choice, even though I have a perfect excuse not to. I get some strength from knowing that, and even more from actually saying it out loud. Sharing it and stating it. I'm not saying this exactly right, hopefully the concept is coming across.


I had a piece of chocolate and cherry checkerboard cake for lunch today (health food!). DD(10) had frosted it this morning, then DS(13) "decorated" it by dumping an entier jar of chocolate sprinkes and a separate jar of colored sugar on top, scattered with a handful of plastic monkeys. wole new experience in cake texture! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love my kids, they are so much fun.


-AmI

I believe that this feeling is the norm. I'm experiencing the same in my house. DH and I are really sticking together with the HN situation. I believe that it has bought us closer together. Since Sunday we have laughted a lot both together and at one another. Monday was the deadline for putting up the new living room lights. Well, we had to go out of town to meet MIL to get OS's school uniforms. MIL buys them every year. I love her so much! So, DH did them last night!

The reason I mention this is because it's a little thing. It's a little step from him towards me. We POJAed on it. I started with you know I'm impatience, I think we can make things go smoother if I have a deadline. If you haven't done them by the deadline, I put them up. We even got to laugh Sunday because he thought he missed the deadline! LOL It was so funny! We laughed about it again last night. I did half the work (detached the old fixtures and left them hanging) and DH did the other half when he got home.

FYI, we haven't spoken R talk in days, and things have been going great.

Where my piece? Is that a scary texture? LMAO

"just that it is almost reinforcing to myself that my feelings and beliefs are valid and real -- particularly about love being a choice, and that I'm making that choice,"

Almost or is...I go with it is reinforcing to yourself your feelings and beliefs are valid and real. Well said. Well done. Know this!!

About reasons to make the choice to love...you are soooo slippery, AmI...let's put this in a spiritual way...God made the choice to love us before we were made...and individually, before we were conceived...what were his reasons? Does he have different ones for each creation? Are we loved equally or somewhat equally?

Being human, equally marvelously made...choosing to love your H now...right now...so you can learn to love from the inside out...do you think maybe reasons to love would be very different, maybe not relevant, maybe so...after you got the inside - out thingie going?

I'm giving my two years (which is up in December) and another two...to really get the loving by choice, from the inside...before I decide...lots of practice, awareness of the enjoyment now, the heartache now, and noticing how different I feel by not judging my DH...and I just caught him this morning breaking his promise...and I felt sick to my stomach again...last time, a year ago, I was decimated for a week...today, two hours...and I took them, sat with them, put something back in place...and moved on. Now, I have yet to speak to him about it...last year at this time, I woke him up on three hours of sleep and told him I felt sucker-punched...but then, last year, he did something in addition to the old crap...and this year, he didn't.

He's in his second year anniversary time of being in love with a fantasy...guess I'll ask what I don't know, huh?

Guess what I'm saying is...process is process...present is present...and sorting out my own stuff before I ponder your question...well, I have got a lot of sorting, examining and owning to do myself.

How about your kids? Do you choose to love them for certain reasons? I know that I enjoy my sons for different reasons...loving them, well, that's been my choice all along...every step; some days are easier than others...finding the good stuff, like you did in your post about your H...that's part of making it balanced, real, and yes, easier, in my experience...with everyone.

LA