Thinking of you today, AmI.

LA

I think my problem was that he wasn't on the vacation. It wasn't really about last Friday. Vacations have always been a big thing for us. We did them all the time, even before we were married.

We've always talked about it a lot -- how his parents always made a way to have some kind of vacation with the kids every summer, no matter how tight money was, and how important those memories still are to him, and how he wants to do things like that with the kids. We've made long-term decisions, like what kind of vehicle to buy, not to spend too much on a house, etc., specifically to accomodate our choice to take as many vacations as we could.

So I'm angry that he kept dragging his heels and screwing around with not taking vacation time until the very last second, and then finally decides he "doesn't want to burn" any vacation days for this.

It's one more former big priority that he's tossed aside. And I'm angry about it.


Anyway, I did have a chance to read the posts here, and they helped. I redoubled my Plan A efforts, told him in an e-mail that I kept wanting to share things with him, but he wasn't here. Kept sending pictures and little notes about what we were doing.

We were coming home last night. We stayed later than we meant to, playing, so didn't get out of town until pretty late. I called him when we left and told him we were still going to stop for dinner and ice cream and putz around a little, so not to expect us until late, probably not even before he got home from work (usually about 1 am.). He had no problem with it when we talked. Said to call when we get home if he's not home from work yet, and there was no reason to rush or anything.

We were going home the long way to stop and deliver some stuff to a (female, married) friend of my sister -- it added a couple of hours to the trip, but that's no big deal since the kids would sleep most of the time anyway.

A couple of hours later, he called and asked where we were. I told him, and he didn't understand why we were there, so I started to tell him we were going by to drop stuff off to my sister's friend, then lost service.

I get my e-mail on my cell phone, so it pulled down the e-mail when it found some service, and he had written:

"Couldn't hear much from you on the phone. You said you guys are going the long way because you are going to visit 'Robin'. Who the ****** is 'Robin'? I am trying not to get frustrated by the entire week in Denver idea, but it is wearing on me. I haven't seen the kids this entire week and they need to be home NOW."


So I was trying to think through everything I've learned, decided a little O&H mixed with some reverse babble might work. So I wrote im back:
"Yes, I agree, it IS frustrating that you chose not to spend any vacation time with the kids this summer."

Then gave him details of where we were and when we'd be home.

He wrote back:
"Oh boo hoo. Tell the story however you choose. I am glad you got a chance to be the fun one and let the kids see you aint always just business and you can enjoy life."

I wrote him back:
"I'm not the one "boo-hoo-ing" about not seeing the kids this week. That was your choice. We had a great time and I'm very pleased with my choice and my priorities."


He didn't respond. We got near town about an hour later and called him and dropped off a key to him at his office. He was all kinds of friendly and polite, didn't mention the e-mails, and neither did I. I felt like I had been pretty honest, although maybe not as respectful or kind as I should have been. And I didn't need to bring it all back up.

He got home about an hour later (it was about 2:30 am by then) and woke me up to tell me stories about his day and what's been going on this week. He chatted for about half an hour, at least. Then came to bed.

He hasn't moved out or made any moves to. I spoke to our tennant and H hasn't made any moves there to try to get them moved. So I don't know what his plans are, or if he even really has any. He's at work right now for the night.

He didn't spend any time with the kids today, other than letting them be in the living room while he was watching TV. We went shopping for school supplies and he disappeared the entire time.

Kind of odd for someone who was in such a rush last night to have the kids home "NOW."

uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh

So just a minute ago, H called and asked me to call all of his family and get everyone to go out to the lake tomorrow.

Sometimes I just don't get it. He's so back and forth on everything.

At least this swing is a good one. It will be fun, our family has great get-togethers, and my FIL and BIL have both gotten great new jobs recently, with much better pay and benefits, so we'll have something to celebrate. I'm excited.

-AmI.

Had a really nice time at the lake today, except that family is just as confused by H's behavior as I am. They keep asking me what's going on with him, and I don't have any answers.

But it was nice to have a lot of good family time.

I also think I found a new church today. We had been looking for somewhere that we fit for quite a while and hadn't found anything that we liked. I tried one today and just loved it. The people were great, the pastor was great ... I'm going to keep checking it out, I liked it.

So, overall, a pretty good day. Back to work tomorrow....

Oh, also, we are supposed to have an MC appointment tomorrow. I think I will still go, but am wondering if it's worth it? Thoughts?

We have an MC appointment scheduled for today. I told H about it, but he just grunted and looked at the TV. I'm not sure if he will be there or not.

Last night, he slept on the couch .... just didn't come to bed. I went and put a blanket on him and turned off the TV for him, but didn't try to "make" him come to bed.

I just don't get it.

MC is in a couple of hours. I'm still going, but don't know if he will be there. Right now, we don't have any more scheduled, so this may be the last one. I'm not sure that it's doing any good....

What a way to start a Monday back to work....

AmI-well, hello, I've missed you...my fault, I haven't been on in a few days.

Babygirl, I'm not sure what to say...I can only hope and pray for you right now...your H seems so lost right now...I do think that you did a good job with the emails...


((((AmI))))
Do you even want more MC sessions with this Counselor, or would you prefer a different one? Why don't you think that it's doing any good? This may be a topic to discuss today, especially if H shows up.

I look forward to hearing from you! I wish you the best today!

I have this big brick of fear and dread and not sure what else just thunked down in the middle of me right now, about MC.

I'm not sure why ... trying to trace the fear back, but I can't come up with anything concrete.

Really, it can't get any worse than it was last time. Even if he doesn't come -- which I don't think he will -- there's nothing really all that horrible that could happen this time.

So why do I feel like I'm about to walk the plank, here?

I don't have a huge fear of the future -- I am very confident and know I'm capable of taking care of myself. I feel like I have a good plan in place that covers all of the contingencies. Whether he stays or goes. So I'm really not sure why I'm so darn afraid of going there.

Have about 45 minutes .... trying to distract myself and get my courage up until then.

-AmI

Could it be as simple as fear of a repeat performance of the last session? Fear that you may be walking away from this one with the same feelings you felt last time?

You had some really intense feeling last time...perhaps just fear of the unknown...you don't know if he's going to be there or not...like you said whether he stay or goes...

"I am very confident and know I'm capable of taking care of myself."

I see this everytime I read your post...even through all of your emotions...I still see a strong woman! I'm sure that you'll do fine today...

Thanks, Rin.

We must have been posting at the same time.

I don't know what to say, either. He is really confusing me right now. Thanks, I felt like those e-mails were a good step for me ... I'm still having a tough time opening my mouth sometimes, so I felt good about finally doing it.


I don't think this counselor has been effective at all. I also don't think that MC in general may be useful right now. Maybe that's part of the problem, too much forced R talk too soon. I don't know.

The only reason I've stayed with this woman was because H liked her and was willing to go there. If he isn't going to be going, then I don't want to keep going to her.

LOL!! Posting at the same time again.

Thanks for chatting with me ... I appreciate the support.

I'm really not sure why I feel so nervous about this. I think, at best, I may get some answers from him about when he plans on leaving, etc. I would like to have that information and will ask him for it tonight if he doesn't show up today. Not sure if that's pushing him out the door, but I'm tired of limbo.

I'd also be ok with him just not showing up. Or showing up and repeating the stuff from last time. When I think about the possible scenarios, specifically, I feel ok with them.

So maybe you're right, maybe it's just fear of the unknown ... ? But I don't really feel like there's much here that's unknown.

Ugh. Courage, courage, courage.

-AmI.

Hmmm, thought I posted a minute ago about MC ...

Basically, H didn't show up AND the receptionist said we had the date wrong anyway, that it was scheduled for Friday.

So I went home instead and was going to ask H about his plans. He was sleeping, so I just got some lunch, thought I posted here about all that anxiety for nothing, and was getting ready to leave when he woke up.

So ...
I asked him to let me know what his plans were so that I could make financial arrangements and would know when I have to start paying bills myself.

He said that he wanted me to tell him, and then he'd give that date to our tenant of when they had to be out, and he'd move in there.

I told him I did not agree with kicking the tenant out. That I would not help him walk away from the marriage. He was angry, he said that he owned half of that house and I couldn't stop him.

I told him it was a pre-marital asset, with just my name on it. And that I was not going to help him or make it easy for him to walk away from our marriage.

He said "what does that mean?". I said it's obviously your choice to leave, and you are free to do so. There's nothing I can or would do to stop you. But don't expect me to make it easy or help or make it comfortable.

We went back and forth a little bit, he kept telling me that I couldn't stop him from kicking out the renter and moving in to the other house. I just said that I will protect myself financially, and that included keeping the income from that house.

He also said then we'll sell off both houses and split the equity. I told him that no, I was not ok with that plan either. He said "Well, then I guess we'll just have to let a judge decide."

I said "ok, please just keep me informed of your plans so that I will know and can be prepared when I have to start paying bills on my own." I asked if I could still count on him helping with the bills until then, and he said yes.

He asked how much credit card debt we have, and I told him (it's pretty nominal). He asked if we could make sure that didn't get any bigger, and I agreed to that. We laughed about that decision being made after the trip.

Then he said he really didn't want to fight about things, but that it wasn't going to be easy to move him and the kids. I said "The kids don't have to move, they will be with me 5 nights a week, anyway, unless you plan on stopping that." He said no, that will never happen (him preventing me from seeing the kids). We talked about that for a little while. He came back to that he still sees it as him and the kids moving out.

He said "so you're telling me I own two houses and I still have to go find some place to rent?" I said "No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I would much rather you stay." He said "Then you leave." I said "I already told you that I'm not going anywhere. I am not walking out on my marriage vows."

He just turned away from me and turned the shower on to warm up.

We ended the conversation with both agreeing to not put any more debt on the credit card, and to keep all the other finances as they are for now. He agreed to tell me when he was making plans, so that I'd know when I have to start paying bills by myself.

I got a little tearey eyed a couple of times during the conversation, but always kept an even, pleasant tone. It never turned into a fight or anything. I felt pretty good about having kept myself under control.

I think we're really getting to the end, though. That makes me sad.

-AmI.

AmI

First, it does seem like you handled yourself in a classy manner. Second, you stated your intentions and suck to them. Don't give up now! Give him time to process the conversation...he has to find a place to rent, your not going to leave, you don't want him to leave, he can't move the kids...give him time...

...All hope is not lost...Did you ask about Friday's MC session? Will he be going? Sounds like fence sitting with the OW...that thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side...sad to say but if he does leave he might find the grass very brown...

Still hasn't happen...Plan A all the way...You REALLY seem like your heart and head are starting to sync...WOW!

DIDn't it feel good to keep that control? I felt good about it today!

Thanks, Rin.

I'm going back and forth between being ok and then really, REALLY not ok. I keep hiding in the bathroom to cry.

He said no, he's not going to Friday's MC. I think I will call and cancel it.

He's so back and forth these days, so this may not apply anymore, but he's pretty stubborn. I think that no matter how brown the grass on the other side, once he's made up his mind, he'll die of thirst in the desert before he would ever consider coming back.

Want to hear something really weird? Last night he was ranting about this guy at work who is a 'quitter' and gives up on his commitments whenever they get hard or inconveneint. I was thinking "do you hear yourself????". There have been other times, too, that he's talking like that recently, and I keep wanting to point out the similarities ... but it wouldn't be productive.

I've already told him how I feel about his actions ... don't need to be drawing parallels every time he opens his mouth.

Keep your appointment. Don't cancel. That will show him u r serious. It w/b good for u anyway.

L.

"I think I will call and cancel it.'

hold out! Things change minute by minute...don't think Friday...think today, he's still there!

I'm having a day like your's today! What time do you plan to be hiding in the bathroom, it'll make sure I'm in there at the same time! that way I'll have a partner! LOL

Wayward babble...that's what I hear...funny, I asked WH one time...Do you hear yourself? That's all I said!

Would you like to start a YAYA sisterhood? I want to be the indian dressed girl! Being that I'm american Indian! LOL

Thank you, both.

What do I talk about at MC if he's not there? My Plan B?

Sweetie, I'm sure that you can find plenty to talk about. If he's a no show, use that time for you, sure if you want you can talk about plan B but remember he hasn't left yet and until he does it's still a green light!

I'm sure you really don't feel like Plan Aing right now but hey, they say fake it until you feel it! Let his feelings be his own! His bad mood does not have to affect you...unless you allow it too.

You have the power to overcome this...you have the strenght...AmI...you have everything you need inside you...it may be hard but just like a kid you says I hate you...do they really hate you? Do you push them away because of it? No, you show your unconditional love!

You have that backbone that you were wondering about...keep up the good hard...you're not in the last stretch yet!

It's actually not too hard to plan A right now. It's so weird. We get along great, can chat and have conversations and dinner and get work done together ...

Tonight we played a board game with the kids and then went and picked up some branches in the yard while the kids were getting ready for bed. He had spent most of the afternoon working on the yard and cutting back weeds and things. So we hung out and had a beer and watched some TV. It's easy to be around each other.

I guess that's what I don't get. If he's so finished with me, how can we hang out like this and be ok like this?

He just left to go to the office and finish up paperwork. He made a point of telling me exactly which papers he had to do, and how long they would each take. He gave me a time that he'd be home by. I have his new phone GPS turned on now, and can see he's headed to the office.

Why is he telling me all this, doing all this work on the house, having fun and talking and laughing with me ... and still so ready to walk away???? I just don't get it.

Anyway, I'm Plan-Aing my little butt off. But I think I am going to stop any R talk -- which is part of the reason I wasn't sure about keeping up with the MC.

I'm trying to be still, let it keep working. It will be at least a month before he can find any place to rent, and I don't think he's really in much of a hurry.

Guess we'll see what happens in the next couple of weeks. I'm geting really tired of this see-saw.

I hear you! That's good that you two get along so well!

I think stopping the R talk is good...just hang ten.

ChaCha suggested that I re read chapters 6 and 7 of SAA. Do you have it? Perhaps it can help you focus, not that you aren't doing a great job now, but perhaps a little more clarity.

Being that we are so close in our situation...it might give you something you can work with...like CC said...she read it right after d-day and she needed a refresher...I'm finding it helpful...I just read a few pages tonight. I did some other things to break the cycle that I've been in...with the change in meds and all...I'm having a rough time keeping my head screwed on straight.