Now, here is where you're coming back at yourself...

"I guess that I'm very, very nervous about his reaction. He will be pissed that I'm "getting people invovled in his business". That's not really my intent, though."

Re-exposure if finding out the affair continues...and contact means the affair is ongoing. You know that live by that, correct? Let go the results...you can't control those. Exposure is your choice to live in truth...to know what IS...and to live in it, share it...so that truth can do it's work.

You cannot make anyone you re-expose to do the work. You are not re-exposing to get them to help, are you? You don't control that. That's not a pure intent. That's the intent to manipulate, isn't it?

Look at your WH as the equal human being he is...fogged up or not. He is responsible for his reactions, actions, perspectives, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs...not you. Do you really believe that?

Your choice to live in truth IS your influence. Stand by yourself, AmI. You aren't wrong, bad or aggressive. You are not choosing to be manipulative, skew truth in an attempt to get certain responses...you are acting on behalf of your marriage, yourself and your beliefs.

Know this...center yourself. You know this. Fear is the creeper...that child grabbing onto your leg. Doesn't really weigh you down, clog you up, or make you tremble...if you KNOW this beautiful, afraid, small child is you, all you...equal and worthy, too.

Did we cover tears from fears?

They are okay. They are yours. Do not self-bash or fill your brain with shoulds...don't should on yourself.

Stay present. Please post to me. I'm here.

LA

Yes, I have confirmation that he has re-started his affair. It is with the same OW, and this time it has been on work hours, to better cover his tracks. He also has been "working late" a lot, but I got final evidence tonight that he has actually been leaving early.

The GPS on his phone has been iffy, which is why I couldn't find anything out. Not sure how they got around the phone calls, but he could have been calling her from a land line or on a different number than she ever had in the past.

So .... tonight I finished my Plan B letter. I went and talked to his brother and his parents. I have packed a bag for him with a couple of days worth of clothes and will hand him that and the Plan B letter when he gets home tonight. And then I will ask him to leave and not stay here. His brother and father are both on call to come help me persuade him to leave if he refuses -- because I don't have a legal right to "kick him out". But I don't think it will take that much.

I have mailed a second set of letters, re-exposing the affair to his entire chain of command and Internal Affairs. I have contact phone numbers for other people that he works with who I will be calling tomorrow.

I am feeling incredibly, surprisingly centered and ok. I am very ready for this Plan B. I don't feel reactionary, I feel like I am finally having some control.

Yes, I do want the people I am exposing to to influence him, but I know that I can't make them do so. I want people who are good influences to be the ones he's talking to and getting advice from. I want them to be avaliable and around him. And that's a big reason for which people I have picked to expose and re-expose to.

But ultimately, I know that this is his to figure out. His choice to seek counsel wherever he's going to get it. His choice, his thoughts and feelings and actions, and I know that I can't manipulate them or be responsible for them or cause them. Is that still a skewed reason for exposure?

I really, really feel ok with this right now. I feel like I have done my absolute best and know that I'm doing the right thing for me and for my family and for any hope at all that's left for my marriage.

-Ami.

H should be off work any minute now ... I'm a little nervous about the actual facing him part, but overall, I still feel pretty centered and strong and capable.

Still very sure of my decision.

I even got some sleep....

I feel remarkably good for someone who is about to send her husband packing at 3 in the morning ..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

I'm so sorry about this.

You have come so far. You sound so strong and centered. I hope it's all going ok.

It just felt like he was seeing someone again by the way he was treating you. I'm glad that people were good enough friends to let you know the truth, so that you weren't stuck in this awful position. Your actions are completely decent, calm and above board. You can be proud of how you've handled yourself.

Thinking of you...

Thank you.

Things did not go badly, but also not ideally, either.

I didn't cry, and I was very calm the entire time. That was good.

However, he is refusing to leave. Even with the persuasion of his family. So now he is camped out on the couch in the basement.

I can't last like this for very long -- how do you Plan B when the other person is in the house?

I don't think he will continue to stay after he finds out the extents of exposure that I went to tonight. But he is pretty stubborn, he may do it just to prove that he can.

I think the next few days will be bumpy ones......

Even with all of this, I'm still feeling pretty good. Almost a little relieved, even. I'm surprised.

And now I'm going to go try to get some sleep. I'm surprised that that even seems possible right now.

-AmI.

For some reason, all the posts that I tried to add here last night were not showing up .... so I started this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3094556

It has my Plan B letter in it.


Here's the summary of what happened last night.

When he got home, I had a bag packed for him. I told him that I was feeling pretty silly for having tried so hard, and working up my courage to talk to him about the MB weekend, when all along, he was back with OW.

His eyes got really big, and then his jaw got set and he glared at me, but didn't say anything.

So I said "So, you're right. It's time for you to move out. I've packed a bag for you, I'd like you to leave tonight. Here is a letter that explains my terms, along with a schedule and financial arrangements. I will not continue to pretend to be a happy family when you are actively committing adultery right under my nose."

He didn't look at the letter, just folded it up and put it on the counter. He started looking for his connections to plug his phone and radio in to. I told them they were in the bag, put the letter on top of the bag and handed the whole thing to him.

He said he is not leaving until the rental house is vacant, and then he will move in there. I told him that was not an option, and that he would have to find somewhere else to stay. He said he is not leaving the kids. I said they will be with me more often than you, anyway. He got angry and said "don't make this about them, or ..." I said "this is about them, too. You are chosing to throw your entire family away, it is going to affect them." He said no, he is just throwing ME away, not the kids. I asked him how he thought that throwing me away would affect the kids, and he said that if I "wanted to play it that way" then my "involvement with the kids would be minimized".

We kind of went around on him refusing to leave. He took a shower and said "I will be living downstairs to avoid the obvious problems." and grabbed the bag that I packed for him and went down there.

I went back to bed, it was about 3:30. He was wandering around the house quite a bit, turning on lights and slamming things around. He finally went downstairs around 4, and that's when I got up and updated here.

Then I went back to bed, and slept great. Until my mom called me at 5:30, saying she had just seen his truck pull out of our house, and was I ok. I guess she thought we were talking that whole time. No idea what she was doing close enough to our house to see him leave. And no clue where he went, either. I slept until the kids got up, and then got up with them. He came home around 6:45, and I went back to bed.

He kept coming into the bedroom asking questions -- wanted an accounting of where his paycheck had been spent, and some other things that I don't remember and didn't respond to -- deliberately let myself doze through. He did say "remember, you committed to being gone from the house today."

I slept late, then got up and took a shower to get ready for work. He kept coming in the room to ask when I'd be leaving. I just didn't respond.

When I left, I took him a list of what bills had been paid recently, on his paycheck. I also told him that I felt a little surprised that someone who is actively committing adultery would question MY ethics and integrity. He said "well, I didn't think I'd have to, but obviously now I do."

I didn't respond, just left the house.


So, now the big question is, how do I plan B with him still in the house? I think that once the letters hit at his office that they will put enough pressure on him to leave, but really, Idon't have any legal standing to kick him out. He does own half that house ....

Any ideas?

Thanks.

-AmI.

An IM with him just now:


HIM: why does this have to involve my brother?

ME: I will ask for all the help that I need. I trust your brother and believe that you do, too.

HIM: I can't believe he agreed to get involved. I am going to ask him to stay out of this and I have no interest in involving my family

ME: Your family is involved.
ME: I will not be having any type of contact with you, H, as long as you are committing adultery, so there has to be an intermediary.
ME: Are you moving out today?

HIM: not by choice, they have to stay out of my business and please keep them out.

ME: I will ask for help from everyone who can help me.

HIM: have "I" paid the mortgage for this month? then probably not today or any other day this month.
HIM: when I get paid next month I will begin to look for other living arrangements but not until then.

ME: You feel entitled to stay because the mortgage payment is made?
ME: You think it is appropriate to stay in the family home while you are actively working to destroy the family by continuing your affair?

HIM: you asked me to have enough courtesy to let you know when I would be leaving so you could better prepare for the bills on one income. I think you were buying yourself some time til I deposited my check then you start demanding me to leave.

ME: No, I was making an honest attempt to reconcile.
ME: You were buying time to continue stepping outside of our marriage.
ME: Now that I know what you have been doing, working to destroy our family, I will protect myself and the kids as much as I can. And that's why I have asked you to leave.

HIM: when I leave the kids will be going with me. This will be some time next month after I have received my October check.
HIM: don't forget who's kids they are.

ME: The kids will be spending more time with me than with you on your current schedule, so why rip them from their home?
ME: Wow, sounds like you're making good decisions in thier best interest.
ME: I am not going to continue to argue with you, H. You have made your choices. I will do whatever I see fit in order to protect myself and the kids from your destruction.

HIM: No more interest in this argument. I will make the decisions as I see fit for MY kids

Then he signed off.



I think things are going to get really bad whenthe letters hit, which will probably be tomorrow. And it sure sounds like he will follow through with using the kids against me.

I am considering forwarding this IM to his family ... continuing exposure, and getting help with trying to keep the kids as much as I can.

They are my one weak point, and I'm scared to death of him ripping them away. I don't want to be vindictive, but I do want to do everything I can to protect my relationship with them.

-AmI.

((((((((((((((AmI)))))))))))))))

I am so proud of your strenght! You are doing a great job! I think the best thing you can do with him in the house is 180! You may want to enlist your support group, the ones that may be able to take care of the kids for WH while he's at work. Explain that you would like to keep a stable environment and that you can't stand to lose them right now either. Lay all of your intent on the table...O & H all the way!

I would lock the door to the bedroom also just to limit contact with him. Do not fear the unknown right now. You are worried about the letters TOMORROW, that's tomorrow, deal with it then. I realize that is a hard task, but today is rough enough if you start including tomorrow, I fear you will feel very overwhelmed.

You will need all the strenght you can muster right now and then some. I am soooo proud of you and you should be proud of yourself! You have come such a long way!

Remember self care! I look forward to hearing from you! I was so worried about you last night! I even mentioned it to H.

((((AmIok))))

I don't know too much of your story, just from Rin's thread. You sound strong and determined. Have you adopted his kids?Do you share guardianship? Sometimes love is thicker than blood.

You are in my prayers.
I don't know that its possible to plan B in the same house. Keep the pressure up as you have been.

ETA...make sure you protect all your important papers and evidence it sounds like he's hunting for something.

Stay strong..God Bless!

I agree with ChaCha...get all of your important papers somewhere safe...like when I went to the lawyer before I knew how things were going to go...I have all those important papers here at work with me...

Just an idea! Thanks CHaCha!

Thanks, Rin and Cha Cha.

I can't think of any important papers at the house ... kids' social security cards and birth certificates, custody documents from his last marriage, etc ... those are all his, anyway.

Bank statements and things are on-line .... bills are paid that way, too ....

What am I missing?

I have copies of all the letters I sent, those are here at work with me.

Can you help me think of what else I need to get out of there?

-AmI.

What about titles, saving bonds, etc.?

H's father did a great disserve to his mom when they were getting a D. She lost all of her savings bonds...money just gone!

ChaCha -- no I haven't adopted and don't have legal guardianship, the bio-mother would never allow it.

And I'm very worried that she will walk in and try to take the kids now -- she will have standing to at least get it into court now, and she has another child -- a half-sibling to the kids, which would probably be enough for a court to let her take them. She wouldn't be so interested, but her mother would be and has the money to do it.

My biggest fear and worry right now is what will happen with the kids. That's my weak spot!

-AmI.

No savings bonds, but there are mortgage documents on both houses there. I should get all of those.

Titles to his truck and 4-wheelers, camper, etc. are at the house ... I'm not worried about those since they will be his, anyway. All other titles -- house, my vehicle, etc., are financed, so the bank holds the titles.

I feel like I'm being naive and missing things .... keep the ideas coming!! Thanks!!!

What about evidence of the A? I printed cell phone records and have them at work also. If it comes down to it, you may need that info for court.

What about your valuable? I know I don't know your WH but what about jewelry stuff like that?

And you are doing a great job...I'll have to get a 2X4 if you don't watch out...LOL

I was thinking of having a sleep-over tonight ... bring all of the family over, fill up every couch with someone who will tell him to do the right thing.

Then see what he does as far as staying at the house when he gets home tonight.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sigh ... just venting a little vindictiveness ...

How about a dinner party? Are enlisting help to pack his things in boxes?

I'll vent with you a little while...helps keep my mind off my sitch.

LOL

Oh, AmI...aren't you awesome?

I LOVE the idea of all the relatives all over the place...yes, yes, yes...it has LOVING intent...action from love...

and it smacks of what I wanted Nagrom to do--have relatives come and stay in the house, as witnesses to his choices, their influence...and support for the kids.

I love it.

Now, how old are the children? Speaking straight with them is really the best possible way to meet their need of O&H...I believe that is the biggest EN children have.

They've been through a divorce already...might have the same fears you do...that their biomom might come and get them legally...being straight with them, and living in the present..helping them to live in the present...to stay respectful and honest, too.

There is no threat in losing the children...you have no power. They do. Please bear in mind they love you as their mother...that doesn't end...and they make their own choices. This isn't you not doing enough to make THEM know you love them and are fighting for your family...for all of you...that they matter greatly. It is you having no control, and there not being a way for you to have control.

You knew that when you signed up for it...back when your WH wasn't wayward.

Get more rest, stay calm and it's great you have your mom looking out for you as well. Invite her over to state that her grandchildren are her heart, too...legally or not. The consequences of his choices will do injury far beyond you...you are a part of the family...the children...and yes, even H (not WH)...you remain a part...remember that, 'k?

Breathe, work out, as Rin suggested, do the 180 and stop speaking at all...remove yourself from the room when he speaks to you...I'm sure he'll be out soon, too. Do not answer his questions about leaving...and be SURE to go this Friday to MC...so she knows she was lied to, as well, because she had a part in that...hold her to her part, 'k?

Stay brave, AmI...fill up those couches...actions of love here...vested interests...exampling how far those consequences reach...I'm so thrilled I know you. You're an inspiration for courage, care and remaining calm.

Of course, give you a plan and you're Patton, arencha?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

((((((((AmI))))))))))

LA

Thanks, LA.

I just found out that his Aunt and Uncle are coming to town for the weekend, so I invited them to stay at the house.


The kids are 10 and 13, almost 14. I am really, really conflicted about telling them what's really going on. They already haveone parent who has flaked out on them, I just don't want to do that to them for their dad, too.

Maybe this is the part of me that feels defensive for him again? Wanting to protect him from the consequences of them knowing the truth? My stomach turns at the thought of tarnishing their dad, super-hero dad, in their eyes.

I remember when I realized my dad was human ... that he wasn't superman and had lots of faults and cracks. I was devestated. And I was an adult. It just makes my heart hurt to think of doing that to these kids.

I'm really, really conflicted about telling the kids, and what to tell them. Do I go into the detail of "dad has a girlfriend so he has to move out"? Oh, it makes me cry just to think of saying that to them. And putting them in such a questioning, tumultuous place ... when, if, where will they be going ... that stuff kills me, how can it be good for them?

Is being tarnished in their eyes part of the bottom that I have to get out of the way and let H hit?

-AmI.

Okay, AmI...I'm gonna be your reality bringer, 'k?

Their father HAS flaked out on them.

That's truth. And what you are experiencing right now, may be seeing a side of your H you didn't know...which contributed to their other parent flaking out on them.

Not making...contributing.

You are not flaking and you're their parent, too. I know this. I am enmeshed with my stepmother, from the age of 8, as I was with my mother who died.

It's true.

Heck, I've taken on several moms in my life...straight to the heart.

You matter.

You ARE their parent, too.

And guess what? You're NOT flaking on them.

Important stuff. Not being told directly does more damage, gives them no opportunity to share THEIR stuff, and is the number one reason why kids grow up to not know what they know...that duality...that hidden from self because it wasn't addressed directly to them as if they were REALLY a part of the family. Goes to their significance...you're not making them a party to anything that isn't happening...you aren't asking them for support or action...just handing them facts and listening to what they feel, think and believe.

You're gonna be shocked.

And proud you did it.

What...it's not your PLACE? Tell me, are you buying into your WH's repetition of "MY kids?" Don't. Stop yourself. They are yours too...willingly, and you are chosen. You are real.

Know that.

Dangerous to hide that from yourself.

"Marriage is for two people. Any third party breaks the partnership. Your father has chosen to put his relationship with OW (last name only) ahead of his marriage. I am choosing to fight for our marriage. I've asked family members to come and stay, to talk to him. I love you with all of my heart. I want us to stay a family, even if it that means going through really scary stuff together...because I love your father and want our marriage for life."

Then listen...and repeat.

Stay your calm, sincere self, AmI...hold, make eye contact and be present for them...not to fix anything about whatever they say (no refuting or containing)...listen to know...repeat so they know they were heard. Nod a lot.

You can do this. If respecting your children makes you cry, then you might be focusing on results and not intent. Don't choose that perspective. It's hurting you before the truth is shared. Useless hurt. Don't cause yourself more pain. Your own wishful child wishes hard for this not to be...and it is...and it's real...respect them, show them how to handle tumult, that people are amazing when they know reality and sharing, being in this TOGETHER, makes it all doable...worth fighting for...only answer what you know.

Communicate you have no legal standing...but that you do have moral standing and a dedicated heart.

You do.

You'll teach them how to stay present...no one's going anywhere right now...what a vibrant, life-changing lesson! Staying present...maybe this is the way for you to no longer feel killed with uncertainty, too...

Tarnished? Real intimacy...real love for others comes from knowing them without false glitter and that we make up other people in our heads...until we find out, we choose to love them, as they are, anyway.

I didn't have your experience with my father...I knew he was a cheat early on...and I saw him drunk, falling down, others having to put a grown man to bed early on. After my mother died, he would come home each night about midnight, and not be able to get his key in the door. My sister and I would alternate nights of letting him in, getting him undressed and put to bed...no superhero there...and I love him tremendously...

We can fail spectacularly and be loved anyway.

How great a lesson is there? Isn't that exactly what Jesus did for us? Died for us, not because we deserved it, from love?

LA