DS called me a little while ago and asked for a ride to his youth group thing -- he said that WH had already left for work when he got home (normal).

I went home to pick him up, and WH was there, with DD. She should have still been in school.

He was not in uniform or ready to go to work, he was all dressed up, nice jeans and a nice shirt and boots.

I asked DS if he wanted a ride to youth group ... H said "no, you ain't going ... get in the truck."

That's all he said, didn't say a word to me. Loaded them up and left.

I have no idea where they are.

Hi AmIok,

You will be OK. Breathe and stay calm. He did this because he's mad he got caught.

Your children love you, him leaving with them tonight does not change that. All of this will have to be negotiated legally, I'm sure you'll be able to see your children.

You've raised them most of their lives, this really does matter! Breathe again!

None of this can be solved tonight. Please try to stay calm, can you stay with someone tonight? Do you have family around that could come by and stay with you?

Find a lawyer 1st thing Monday and go the legal route. Nothing has been descided yet. Please, please take care of yourself, and try to stay calm. I"m gone for the next two weeks, just accidentally caught your post before I left. I am very sorry for all you are going through. Please stay sharp, get tough, and take care - Dru

I posted this on the other thread, but since this is the main one, wanted to update here, too.

My DD had a sleepover already planned for tonight, so I checked, and she is there. She said that DS went to spend the night at one of WH's friends from work (one who is firmly entrenched on H's 'side' and was also caught in adultery recently ... funny, huh?).

So at least I know they are safe, and know where they are.


Apparently WH had his uniform on when he took DD to her sleepover, so he must have been going in to work late tonight?

I am so sick right now and don't know what to do with myself.

Where's your journal? Date and times when he has the children and when he gives the children to other people instead of their mom (U).

Also write about the disposition of the people he leaves the children with. It is vital you do this ASAP so you can build your case against the WS. Not your H but the WS.

No sulking, you've got NO time to waste on this matter.

HURRY UP!

L.

I'm so glad that the kids are safe. It sounds like he was showing you who's boss and trying to get you to buckle down and submit.

I'm really torn about anyone here trying to offer advice in your situation. No one knows you or your husband. Most people will fall into certain behavioral patterns, which is why these stock MB plans tend to work. People have similarities in psychology and how they react. But like anything else in life, there are exceptions and there are circumstances that can change the expected response. So... I think that you need to try think about what you know about your WH, what could possibly be driving him and how best to interact. I do think that you need to stay true to yourself and handle this in a way that keeps you feeling good about yourself. That is really important. And.. you need to really determine what you want from this. I know that you can't have what you really want, which is for none of this to have happened. But we all get stuck with the total crap that life hands us at times and we have to do the best we can with what we get.

So... take or leave what I say, since this is just the impression I have from afar with no first-hand knowledge. It does seem that your making an issue of the kids being yours is backfiring and making him prove to you that they are not. So... that sounds like something that needs to be backed away from. I'm assuming that you want to try to maintain your mothering relationship with the kids. If so, then think about the best way to do that, while maintaining the strong core that you're worked so hard to get.

First, you need to decide whether a real Plan B is going to work for you. Only you can decide if it will. You have to protect yourself emotionally. Is Plan B going to do that while he's still in the house? If you don't go with Plan B at this point, can you maintain a cool distance and not react to him and demand that he treats you with respect, but still be able to have a dialogue about the kids? Just throwing stuff out...

I think that everyone is right that you need to stay busy -- not just for yourself, but to prove to him that he will not destroy you and reduce you to the point where you can't function. But you do need to be planning on what to do to protect yourself and the children.

If you decide to talk to him, based on what he's saying and how he's responding, it is probably a time to acknowledge, that yes, they are his children and you fully understand the situation you are all in with respect to that. But, try to get him to put aside whatever issues he has with you and try to have you two determine what is best for the kids. If you have to bring up the past and talk about how bonded you are all to each other, point that out to him. And without sounding like you're lecturing him or trying to hold it over him, you need very, very subtlety get him to think about the fact that HE needs you to take care of the kids and that if the kids are too traumatized, that they will be a mess and make life very difficult for everyone -- since he's so selfish right now, he needs to think about how it'll be an easier path for him if you're in the picture with the children.

It sounds like he's one stubborn fool right now. And it may be that he has to learn his personal lessons the hard way. And it sounds like he will not listen to or be directed by anyone else. So, he's going to have to think that everything is his idea and that he's calling the shots. But, he also has to know that he cannot walk all over you and that you won't take it. Getting a lawyer and not being manipulated by him is a good start. But, as long as he feels like he's not being bullied and that he has control, he'll likely take the path of least resistance. Think about these characteristics he's showing as tools on your side and use them to advantage. You are the cool-headed one, the one that has nothing to prove, the one who isn't trying to be right when they are so, so wrong. Those are your strengths.

I hope this weekend gives you some time to become calm and to try to reflect on what's the best path for you. And you don't have to do anything this minute. You have time. Get things moving, like you are by hiring a lawyer and keeping your eyes open.