Openness and Honesty - O&H

Using "I feel" and "I believe" statements...to share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Not to get anyone to agree with them...but to be known, intimate.

Way to go on the MC appt! You can go acknowledging you know it is her choice to attend or not. Awesome...showing choice is showing respect. You're doing great.

If you aren't used to stating your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...I would encourage you to practice here...where you can vent in "I" statements, think in them, and live them...which changes your life. Gets easier with practice.

LA

Yes, it is expected that she will be angry. You have interfered with her affair. Just keep interfering until you are CERTAIN that FULL NO CONTACT has taken place and she will come out of her fog.

Has she ended all contact with the OM? Will she send a no contact letter?

I had already talked to OM and he has broken all contact with her, the problem was that she was not happy with me doing that.. Now she aggreed to NC and from what I can tell she has, they went to the YMCA together in the morning and he was supposed to change his schedule so they did not see each other, I plan on asking her if she did today..
She still talks to OM's wife though.. I was not sure if that should be stopped or not, but I have kept an eye on it and they have only talked 2 times since last week.. Both times she called the house and I answered the phone so I know it was her..

So, there is NC with OM, and he aggreed to it before she did, she told me to leave because I asked OM for NC, and he said OK, when he told her, she was pissed and I told her either NC or I would leave till I got it, and she said just go... But since I told OM NC, he has not talked to her at all, that I can tell

Does the OM's wife KNOW about the affair?

OH yes she does, she knows everything.. He sat her down and told her everything, then I talked to her and told her about there IM's and 2AM Phone calls and "I love you's"

But, OM's wife and OM have moved on, they are in MC and working on them, they seem much happier then me and my WW...

Why in the WORLD are your W and the OMW still speaking? How bizarre. Have you been in touch with her? See, by keeping in touch with the OMW, keeps your W focused on the affair. Do you think the OMW really believes this was an affair?

What the heck do they talk about?

OM's wife ought to abhor your wife.

OK, one more time - I bet this OM is as sleezy as they come. Now he's got his wife bamboozled some how to think it's just peachy keen to talk nice nice to your wife.

Amazing.

He is scum. His wife is oblivious.

JMHO

WAT

Can you call the OMW and ask her to stop talking to your W? Tell her that it is interfering with withdrawal?

Let me tell you something that just occurred to me. As nutty as this sounds, we have this very situation going on right now in another case on this board. The OWH is calling the BS' house and asking for her H so his WIFE, [the OW] can talk to him! Some betrayed spouses are such utter doormats that they will actually help their spouse pursue the affair in this way. Is it possible the OMW is helping her H contact your W?

I would also suggest that you get your wife to quit the Y. They should be going to the same places. Just changing schedules is not going to cut it because your W can change her schedule to meet his if and when she chooses.

I have a feeling you need to put a tap on your phone, duglas. I don't think this affair is really done and that should tell you one way or the other.

I actually have the software that you can install on a computer that will record all phone calls, I just to replace my data modem with a Voice modem..
My wife has refused to give OM up and I am pretty sure after I came back and we talked that she agreed to give him up and will not try to contact him.. I understand it is an addiction and I will install software on the phone at home, I already watch her email and her cell phone calls online..

duglas, so the OM has told her to stop calling him and she continues to pursue him? Have you spoken to the OMW about all this?

Dug, I don't understand the line that starts with "My wife has refused to give OM up..." That sentence seems contradictory. Help!

Melody was referring to recorders you can get from Radio Shack to install on the phone line. Are you saying your phone service is provided by a cable company such as Time-Warner and you can intercept calls made to your home phones?

Also, consider a keylogger on your PC. It might give you information on other things your WW is doing on line.

My wife agreed to NC with OM Friday when I went back home, she seems OK with it..
Her computer is password protected and I can not get into it.. But I watch everthing else and she finally actually said she would do NC so I do trust she will, but I have been watching her.. The recorder from Radio shack is $99, I went and checked it out but the one that runs on the computer seems better, it keeps all phone calls in a Outlook type program with incoming and outgoing with caller ID and dialed #'s... records them in MP3 format and I can remotely check it from the office by connecting to the home PC and there is nothing installed on the line that she can see... AND, it is only limited to the size of my harddrive so it will record ALOT.. and it is only $49...
But, again, I am back in the house, she has aggreed to NC, the OM has agreed to NC and from the way my wife acted after I told OM that I wanted complete NC, I am sure he was going to follow my wishes..

duglas, that sounds pretty good. The only worrisome thing here is her going to that gym and not giving you the password on her computer. I would get her to agree to go to another gym entirely, or just working out at home. That is not going to work with them seeing each other at the gym.

What is she hiding on the computer?

Okay, Dug. I've never heard of what you are using on your computer. I'd like to know more about it. Can you show me a URL to the developer's website? I'd appreciate it.

Keep up your intelligence operation. Now is not the time to relax because you have to know if NC is in place or not. Do NOT trust the OM to back off like he said he would. Don't be that naive. Dug, adulterers LIE. All of them lie. It’s part of being an adulterer. Don’t believe anything an adulterer says unless you corroborate it from two separate objective sources.

Have you read up on Plan A? I hope you have Dr. Harley’s book, Surviving An Affair. If you don’t, get it as soon as you can and study it from cover to cover. In addition, Pepperband’s thread “The Carrot And Stick Of Plan A” is a worthwhile read. You can find Pepper’s thread here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

Hang in there, Dug. If she’s truly in NC, the road is going to get bumpy. She will progress into a withdrawal worthy of the worst addictive drug you’ve ever heard about. Others out here have gone through it already and will be able to predict what she tells you in the throes of withdrawal.

I am reading Lovebusters now, I have HNHN and I just ordered Surviving an Affair last week..

here is a link to he software for recording phone calls on the computer.

http://www.ezphonerecorder.com/

Duglas,

I looked up the software and it looks like it would do the trick. Let us know when you download it and how it works. Very intersting. If you do catch WW talking to OM, then I would play it back to OMW and let her know that the A is still going on. Maybe she will change her tune when she has cold hard evidence. Good Luck

I have it downloaded, just need to get a voice modem tomorrow...

How can I get a NC with OM's wife....

Thanks, Dug. That's some very interesting software.

As for a NC with OMW, I suggest you just expand the classic NC letter to include any member of OM's family.