Duglas,
I am sitting her shaking my head.

You are trying to rationalize with an alien. How's that working for ya?

You are allowing her to dictate conditions. How's that working for ya?

You offered to not expose if she doesn't talk to him for 45 days. Hmmm, what's that going to do. Everything seems to point to an affair/witdrawal running its course in 2 years. So, you get 45 days of her going deep underground with the A. Then, what do you get?

At the end of the next 45 days, are you going to say 45 more?

I don't see that this is going to work for you.

What will work is breaking up the affair- the best option you have for that is exposure. Yep, as bad as you don't want to do it, it has to be done.

All you are doing by not telling is allowing them the freedom to carry on as they were before. There have to be consequences for actions. If you cover it up, there are no consequenceds.

I strongly believe that OMW is trying to say all this is ok so that he doesn't lose his job and his reputation.

I can't imagine any reason why I would allow my husband to have contact with the OW. Last week, we had to go to the hospital where she works. There was no way out. We had a plan lined out for us to withdraw if we saw her. Thankfully, that didn't happen, but we were prepared to avoid contact.

No contact is so very important. That can not be stressed enough.

Sorry guys.. I am saying 45 days because I am tired of fighting and when my son is 6 months old and can stay overnight with me and I can get shared custody, he can have her..

I have been lied too and abused for 8 weeks now and still can not get them apart.. I was thinking 45 days might lift the fog a little and make sure see she is being retarded, guess from your posts that will not be the case..

The only thing keeping my wife in the house is the fear for OM's job.. She wanted to go down to the court house tomorrow and fight for custody of the kids, and I told her if she did I would let everyone know, so she said fine, she will do it my way..

I am listening to you all though, I have will tell the senior pastor tomorrow

Is this man the PASTOR of your church? Because, Duglas, if he is, you have a moral responsibility to report him to church authorities! He should not be in any position of authority in any church.

Do you not want to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE?? Your wife's threats mean nothing and there is nothing that can save your marriage if you don't stop protecting the affairees!

Your W is blackmailing you into protecting her HONEY so that exposure doens't interfere with her affair! If you don't interfere with her affair, YOU WILL HAVE NO MARRIAGE TO SAVE!! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger over exposure, but it cannot survive an affair.

Please DO expose this affair at church TOMORROW. And DO NOT TELL YOUR wife you intend on doing this. You may have waited too long to do this, though. I have a feeling that the OM is scared that you might have the NADS to expose him [many people dont have the balls to do it] and may have pre-empted you by telling his boss that you are an insanely jealous NUT. So, go with evidence and be prepared to show what you have.

PLEASE STOP HELPING THE AFFAIREES DESTROY YOUR FAMILY, DUGLAS! PLEASE!

Dug, why do you give a rip about OM's Job. Expose this adultery and kill it stone dead. Pull YOUR head out of the fog and MAN UP! Be a MAN. Fulfill your God given role in your family. Wake up man.

Duglas, I know it will be hard, but telling him is a good thing.

I'm sorry we came down on you so hard. We just want what is best for you.

8 weeks seems so long, I know. Keep doing Plan A. Keep on, Duglas.

Duglas,

Everyone is giving you strong advice...from their hearts and experience.

I wanted you to expose with your intent for truth because from what I understand in your posts, you have a manipulative marriage...which is different from a negotiated one...slightly.

Intent matters.

You are in a rough, dark place right now...we remember that place. Seeing the way your marriage operates...the dance you both do...is important.

Only takes one to begin a new marriage dance...to share truth and themselves...to be brave and true...to have the peace of doing for your marriage and not tit for tat, give to get...even stephen stuff.

Helps us to live freely...daring us to be more of us, instead of less...because our partner is choosing less...or more...or nothing at all.

Your choice is your power, from God. Know your choices and choose with blessed intent. You can do this. Truth is...it already is...and you are informing.

LA

OK....

Here are my 2 options..

1. Call senior pastor, tell him entire story, and bring evidence.. Tell him I want OM fired right away..

2. Call local Tv station and tell them and call local lawyer and Sue sponser chuch for pastor taking advanted of my Post parden wife and not leaving my family alone.. I am sure I would not win, but just taking it to court will ruin OM forever..

1st one might not even get him fired, but will not look spiteful
other will make sure..

Option 1 for now. I would be surprised if it didn't get him fired. Most churches take adultery seriously.

And have you exposed to friends, family, anyone who can affect your wife into stopping this affair?

Dug, getting this to a TV station is going to look vindictive and spiteful. Lay everything out for the senior pastor. If you have to sue, that can be done when it's apparent they won't do anything.

Option #1 sounds right. And then if they don't remove this scumbum, then expose it to the church AT LARGE just as it says in the Bible.

And Duglas, please do not make the mistake of telling your W you are going to do this. DO NOT use this as a threat to blackmail her. It just needs to be done so you can nuke this affair.

Do as the others say -

1. Tell the senior the pastor - tell him your wife was suffering from Post Partum Depression (exact term) and OM used that to seduce her into adultery.

2. Then sue sponsor church and further expose - they all have to know and suing is a good way to make sure he cannot hide within another part of the organisation and do it again -

But one thing at a time - be a truth teller, this is not tit for tat - it is about truth. Tit for tat would be having an affair on her.

So be regretful in the way you talk to her about it when she finds out. E.G. "Sorry I had to do it, but you and OM forced my hand"

Just reopeat this and keep your voice low in volume - she will have to quieten down to hear you over herself.

This is a technique I use with barking dogs - whisper at them. Her anger may be just like a barking dog giving the alarm she will feel.

Linda

duglas,

Quit playing the game by their rules. Use the rules you were given. Tell the truth. Go talk to the pastor, tell him what you know. Tell him that OM and your wife are involved. Your wife doesn't get off the hook so easy, as you are trying to describe by the post parden comments. That you trying trying to tell yourself that your wife didn't do this to you. I'm sorry, but she sure as heck did.

You have actually increased the intensity of the affair, by acknowledging it, and forcing them into further secrecy, with this whole 45 days nonsense.

Small circles. First, expose to the pastor. Then, if that doesn't get you anywhere, expose to her friends (and they probably already know).... since it doesn't sound like your wife works, you won't get anywhere with her job... Finally, you are left with yourself. Accept what you are faced with, and don't lower the standards that you want in your marriage.

Why don't you do a little search on the site about exposure, and the results of all the affairs that have gotten exposed. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see how many affairs point of crumbling comes about when the BS grows a spine, and stands up for themselves.

-hang in there

Sorry I did not write sooner.. The OM actually went to the senior pastor and exposed it himself..

I think he was missing my wife so much he lost his job so he could be around her..
I had a 2 hour converision with the senior pastor and told him everything, showed him all the emails and IM's and told him all I know..

My wife called them right away when she found out and they did not answer, but her mother called and talked to OM.. Not sure what is going to happen and were we are going to go..

I have nothing I can do to keep them apart now, she will not leave without the kids and is just being nasty ugly and telling me she hates me and such..

Please do not assume anything Duglas...don't use that against yourself.

You don't know why OM exposed it himself.

Your job isn't to keep them apart...that is within their control, not yours.

Focus on you...you have exposure now. When she is nasty and ugly, listen and repeat...hand her words back to her.

Remove yourself from engaging with her...

Do not choose to believe what she believes...that she hates you...your choice. Know that. She is separate from you...has her own stuff. Please do not make it yours. You were in the habit of believing everything she said...and you betrayed yourself in doing so.

Don't do so now.

You're not alone.

LA

How do you know OM exposed? Unless the Pastor himself told you, or you were there when he did it... I WOULD NOT believe it. Especially if it is coming from your wife.

OK... OM's boss came to my house, talked to me for 2 hours, OM quit the church, he also packed his wife and kids up and sent them to SC yesterday, but he is still here.. My wife's phone records show she tried to call them both 3 times yesterday but they did not answer the phone..
She is still leaving next Tue for 2 weeks so maybe they will not see each other before then..

But, I am kinda over all of it and the best thing that can happen is for her to meet up with him and go to his house while his wife is gone, and I get pictures.. then she will get 30% or less of everything instead of half....

I have done lots of praying and thinking lately, I would be much happier with someone else but my kids would be happier with us together.. I could be happy with her I think, but not sure if I really really want to be now....

We shall see what 2 weeks apart do or us, the plan now is to file for seperation right when she comes home.. She has been sleeping in the spare room since last thursday..

Does OMW know why he was fired yet?

I hope your WW isn't traveling to SC for two weeks. If she's not going there, have you taken steps to monitor whether she takes a side-trip there?

You've decided on a legal separation? If you have, why are you waiting until she returns?