Thanks SM05, I feel so much better.

Thanks Jean, I slept like a baby last night, best sleep I have gotten in months.

Hey Lady (stranger) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, I have been wondering how you were. Glad to here from you, hope things are well. Yeah time did fly it has only been 6 months since he filed. But I am glad that this is almost over and that he now has to pay the consequences of his actions. I can't believe that he did that to the baby. Seeing that I think made me realized that I don't want to be M to him anymore and I am at peace about that. Thanks for the Daily Bread...being a former minister, I remember when STBXWH use to preach those words...it's such a shame what he has become, he has totally disregarded God too. Thanks for the prayers.

Thanks Jean, funny when I went to work this morning, my boss said "it is so good to see you smiling again." Then when I was walking in the hall today, a lady that I have never seen before said to me, when I spoke to her as she was passing by, "you are so pretty and have such a beautiful smile". That made me feel good.

Have a question for those who are separated or D with kids. When the kids go to the other parents for the weekend or whenever, do you send clothing, toys, diapers, etc with the kids or do you let the other parent provide those things for the child(ren)?

Your choice. Then again, how trustworthy is the WS in providing properly for his children? U may have to be prepared for some lack of care on his part.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

Not trusting at all. On the other hand if I do send those things, I know that I probably will not get them back, which can become expensive especially for 5 kids. I don't mind sending those things for the kids but when I don't get them back and they are nowhere to be found that becomes the problem.

I believe that he should keep a few things for them over there that way the kids will think that it is their home too instead of a place to visit.

The economical thing t/d is NOT to send anything over. The motherly thing t/d is to make sure they have what they need.

Quite a dilemea. As hard as it w/b, send a minimal amount. Let him go figure out the rest. It may mean your children could come home a bit more dirty but look at where they had to go!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Pepsi,

My XH has the children (3 of them, ages 11, 9 & 2) every other weekend. I don't send them with anything when they go over for a few reasons.

1. Economics
2. Like you said, they should have items of their own at dad's house too so they feel more comfortable.
3. It's not possible to continue holding his hand in terms of caring for his children forever.

Now if I knew they had no clothes or shoes or were being kept in filthy garments, I would send them with something else. That's not the case though.

Because I doubt many items would come back home I also don't let them take personal items such as video games, CD players, etc to their father's house. It was a bit hard to take that stand at first because I wanted the kids to be able to take things with them that they enjoy. They learned quickly enough though that if they left those things at his house (whether it be clothes or personal items) they would have to wait two weeks to get those things back, if they got them back at all. It actually made it easier on THEM to create an environment in which he had to provide things for exclusive use at his home because they no longer have to try and remember what goes back and forth.

FIM

Thanks for your response FIM.

I am leaning more towards not sending anything over anymore. Since we will be D soon, you are right, I cannot continue to hold his hand anymore.

I guess he really must be stewing from what happened in court Thursday b/c he has not wished me a Happy Mother's Day today-this is a first. Doesn't matter though, this was one of the best Mother's Day I've ever had.

We have never been big on sending stuff back and forth. The first time we seperated, the girls were 3 and 5. There was a "yellow blankie" that did travel back and forth for a little while. this time the girls are 6 and 8. I keep a small basket by the door, the "daddy basket". I put his mail in there and the girls will sometimes put in a movie or computer disc if they want it to go to dad's.

They are big enough to know that it is their responsibility to get the stuff where they want it. When he first left, they would carry a grocery bag of toys with them for the first few weeks. Once the toy supply got established, there is not much need for traveling toys.

He took a few changes of clothes to start off with. The kids never take clothes. I don't like the "visiting" feel of toting a duffel bag around. He has bought them clothes and he insisted on getting those certain outfits back. So I just ask him to not send the girls home in "daddy clothes" because I don't the stress of making sure they wear a certain thing on a certain day.

During the prior separation, he would give me some money and I would buy a bunch of clothes for them for him. Just because I can shop alot more frugally than him. We are not that chummy this time. I did give him a few outfits as I had a surplus when I made the winter/summer wardrobe conversion.

Now I don't know what to do about sending clothes, seems as if STBXWH rented another one bedroom apartment. Why did he rent another one bedroom apt., I thought that he was suppose to get something bigger for the kids. Well so much about the kids feeling like it is a second home.

I just send DD in her clothes with a sippy cup of milk if she's going to be gone for a while, and every once in a while, she'll cling to a toy to take with her. WH made it clear from the get-go that he wanted things to be as separate as possible... he even bought a diaper bag, for crying out loud, b/c he was "tired of checking after (me) to make sure I didn't leave anything out that he might need!" (If anything, I always overpack her bag!) But I just chalk it up to his stupidity.

I wouldn't let that change your original position. The same reasoning applies regardless of the size of the living quarters. IMO anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


One of the hardest things for me to accomplish was to not let things like this matter to me. In the end, it really does not matter what he chooses in regards to his living arrangements. The courts are going to allow him to have the children for short periods of time in a one bedroom apartment, there is nothing you can do about it and he has to live with the crammped quarters during that time. Kids are so easy when it comes to things like that and they will probably enjoy the sleep over feel of it.

He has chosen to not make it easy for there to be a 'second home' feel to it. That is his CHOICE.

There were way too many things like this that I allowed myself to get upset, disappointed or worried about. I found that it's not worth it, there was nothing I could do about it, he was making his own bed and when I decided to concentrate on what was going on in MY home only I was magically transported out of the drama land he so craves.

It was hard to learn to do but OH SO WORTH IT.

FIM

Question: Can our D be finalized if STXXWH has not taken the parenting class? I am certain that he has NOT taken the class he was order to when he filed, of course he had better things to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I just hope that this doen't drag it out any longer.

In Washington State you can NOT have it finalized until both parties complete the class. The judge asked for the certificate of completion from the class before she asked for anything else.

FIM

In my state that incredibly stupid class was required as well - they forced me to find someone to take care of my kids so I could sit there and listen to the "teacher" drone on about how the children "might have a few questions" down the road as a definition of the sleeper effect, while an OW/OM couple cuddled in front of me, and a bunch of young males who didn't look old enough to have children bragged about their new girlfriends. And I had to PAY to go to this class. They should have paid me! <end of rant>

In Tennessee, it appears they will give you the divorce, but it can affect the parenting plan and the court can hold you in contemot for not going.



What state or you in??

The Show-Me State (Missouri)

Just curious, for those women who are divorced or divorcing, did you keep your married name or go back to your maiden name.

I decided to keep my married name b/c of the kids just wondering what others thought/do.

In TN, I didn't have to go to any class. I don't think WXH did, either.

I didn't send many things back and forth. It was painful. He earned so much more. Did send things for a bit but he started providing his own. I never sent diapers/wipes, etc.

I kept my x's name at the time of divorce because I preferred it over my maiden name which I didn't like at all. Hadn't liked it since I was a teenager. However, 3 or so years later, when he married someone else, I had my last name changed to a neutral last name. Not my maiden name, not my mom's maiden name but a totally different name. So, I reported it to the vital records people for TN, as is proper when a name is changed w/ a court order. They ammended my birth certificate. Now, my maiden name is the name I chose for myself about 6 years ago. COOL!

pepsi,

As far as parenting classes, we didn't have do them and I don't think the state of Okla. even knows what they are, divorce is just way to easy here.

I like you have thought about the name thing. But I have decided to keep the name i have had for the last 25 yrs. I was given that name out of love and the vows I took and held precious and still do hold precious.

Because no matter what happens I was the first Mrs. H and no one can change that. It will be my name until I die or if in the future I re-marry. I feel I was given this name because he wanted me to have it and he will not take it from me with his affair. And if by chance they do marry, I will still be the first Mrs.H and she can never take that away.....

I may be in the minority here about this but its MHO....


Hurting

It's A MIRACLE, STBXWH called this morning and asked for the kids this weekend. For some reason I still cannot talk to him so I let it go to VM and I just sent him this email:

Got your message & that’s fine you can have the kids this weekend, we will just start the parenting plan now and this is the weekend and holiday that you get them. I need to know if you are going to pick them up Friday evening @ 6 p.m. and I need your new address because I did not write it down in court so I can pick them up Monday evening @ 6 p.m.

Also, since the deadline (April 30) has past, I need you to let me know ASAP what 2 weeks you want the kids this summer because I need to have surgery within the next couple of months and need to get that scheduled ASAP.

Hopefully he gets the message that after our D is final that the only relationship we will have is as co-parents and that I will NOT be his friend. And the only conversations we will have will be about the kids because I won't nothing else to do with him.