I figured it was time to update my status here. I have been working on Plan A for a while now, trying to meet my WW's ENs. She is still involved with OM, and is not ready to agree to NC yet.

Friday I found out that the A went much deeper than I had suspected. She has met him for the weekend on at least 3 occasions that I am aware of. There have probably been more encounters as well. When I confronted her (in a calm rational manner), she admitted the PA, which she had denied for so long. I get one lie after another.

She decided to move out to a hotel for a couple of weeks to 'think things over' after her lies had been uncovered. She did finally agree to couseling though, and went yesterday.

I went into full exposure mode yesterday, and told many of her friends and also her mother about the A. Some of these were the online friends who know both she and the OM.

To say she was upset is an understatememt. At least she'll have something to talk with the counselor about. When she talked to me about the exposure, I was unapologetic. I told her 'I never said I wouldn't fight for this marriage'.

Well, it's really hard to Plan-A with her living in a hotel, and visiting the house when she needs something. When she does come over, we usually spend time together, but the relationship usually comes up, which is a big LB for her right now.

I want her to come home, but not if she's still seeing OM. I really need a NC agreement before I even want her to come back.

I'm unsure of what the next steps are, but I have ordered my copy of SAA and HN/HN and they should arrive in the next couple of days. I'll be reading them intently, and I'm giong to see the MC tonight, so hopefully she'll have some insight as well.

Thanks for your help and guidance guys, and also for listening to my predicament.

Well, after meeting with the MC tonight, and getting a lot of insight on just where my WW's mind is at (clearly fogged), I asked her to come home.

The counselor told me that WW is the most fraglie person she has counseled in the last 5 years. Over 2000 patients. She told me that WW said she had no guilt over the A, and only wanted to talk about how badly I ave treated her over the years. I heard a couple of things that I just couldn't believe. The last 10 years of our M have been completely rewritten in her mind.

To get her to come home, and hopefully drop out of this fog, I'm not putting any conditions on her return at this point. If she's not here, I can't meet her EN's and can't make progress to end the A. I'm hoping our past talks about the M will start to sink in, because she can't take hearing any more about it right now, and I intend to wait for her to bring it up if she wants to talk.

So she is coming home with no conditions?

She hasn't committed to doing so yet (she has *no* idea what she wants, just what she doesn't), but I believe she will come home today. Then it's back to Plan A in full swing - Plan B will come in two months if contact isn't broken (already been Plan A'ing for a month).

I just want her to feel that she *wants* to be at home, or Plan B won't have a lot of impact.

Please tell me you aren't paying for that hotel room, Prophet. If you are, you are enabling her adultery. You understand that, right?

You have a good plan for doing a good Plan A, then switching to Plan B. How about telling us what you're doing in Plan A to make yourself a better person and therefore, more attractive to your spouse. Remember, Plan A is more about you than it is about her.

My plan A involves doing all those little things around the house that I didn't use to do. Finishing projects that I started that she wanted done, helping out with housework that she used to do alone, etc.

On a more personal level, I'm working on not making selfish demands (one of my big LB's). I'm not talking about the M any more, becuase that has been a big LB over the past few weeks. I'm seeing a MC (she saw her for the first time Tuesday - we are seeing her separately at this time), who is helping me to understand myself and my WW a bit more. I am trying to take these understandings to heart and open up a bit more emotionally (my WW is a very closed person with her feelings) and I'm hoping seeing my feelings may help her open up as well.

I have exposed to everyone I can, including her mother, and I have asked for NC with the OM. She has continued contact (although lied and said she'd stop). I will continue to express my feelings about the contact, and try to be the best 'roommate' I can. I want to make the house a safe place for her, but right now she's stressed out here.

I am paying for the hotel, and continuing to see her regularly, as I am still in plan A. I will not implement plan B for a few more months, becuase I know she still hasn't recognized the efforts I have put in to improving myself. Her talk with the counselor was all about me, and she pretty much refused to talk about the A, claiming no guilt - it was all my fault. I understand that by paying for the hotel I am enabling her, but I believe she wants to come home, and that she will tonight.

I just called her, and while she has not committed to coming home, she has checked out of the hotel, so my hopes hare high <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Quick update:

Well, my WW did come home last night.

She has not agreed to NC yet, but knows my feelings on that matter. She is still very angry with me about the exposure, but I was unapologetic about that. There's still a lot of hostility coming from her, but I am attempting to diffuse that with kindness and understanding.

She wanted to talk about the M somewhat prior to moving back in, and told me about a number of LB's that I do that bother her. I simply listened and chimed in with things like 'that's fair', 'I understand how you feel', and 'could you clarify that for me, do you mean...' I made no judgements, and that seemed to calm her somewhat.

We unpacked her stuff and spent some UA together, just playing a game and talking.

I know she will be spending time with OM tonight (online) and I told her that it hurts me that she continues to do that, but she has to decide to end it.

We talked a bit about the lies and she has agreed to be truthful (we'll see) about the future, though is not ready to reveal the past. I committed to not 'freaking' (her term) if she told me that she saw OM. She knows I will be dissapointed if she does, however.

I noticed that she wasn't wearing her wedding ring, I'll keep an eye on that to see if it goes back on now that she's back home.

Be strong about the NC.
Tell her, and it's not demanding, that for you to save your Marriage she needs to stop all contact.

The longer it will take her the worst it will be for both of you.

I'll try to be strong about that - She is just in a *real* fragile state right now, I can't push too hard.

Pushing is one of my LB's to her, but I already told her that this is the one thing I will contine to push on, with no apologies.

I know she has scheduled time with her guild (which he is a member) for tonight and this weekend. She wants to take that time, and she wants to keep her committment. I will let this weekend go, as the people she will be playing with have been exposed to.

I will try to be strong, but sometimes it's so hard.

My copies of SAA and HN/HN should arrive today, I'll probably be reading those while she's online...

Well, tonight I finally realized that I am no longer in love with my WW. I am finding that I am losing the capability of caring for other people through the torture that she's putting me through, and have decided it's time to implement plan B.

I know it's early in the process (only 2 months of plan A), but I just can't take this anymore, and am losing myself in the avalanche of hurt that she's piling on me. Today out of spite she cancelled my cell phone (it was a second phone on her account that I got her, we added mine later). This was because I talked to her mother to try to get some advice on how to understand what she's feeling right now.

This was a deliberately hurtful act that my wife would never have done, but my WW did without even an apology when I talked with her. She said she'd reinstate the phone (sometime tonight, when she's done playing computer games with OM), but I have finally had enough.

I will ask her to prepare to be out of the house tomorrow. We'll discuss finances, etc - but I need to be without her or I'll lose the capability of caring for anyone.

Just the way I am feeling right now.

P -

Wow. I feel for you. This is THE hardest thing you've ever had to do, right? It has been for me...

I am no expert. However, with a d-day that's 6 weeks old and your WW in the house for.....2 weeks now, maybe you want to stay with it for a bit longer??

Have you read any threads from LovingAnyway? She did a great job of helping me separate myself from WW's crazy, fogged-out behavior. You're going to need this separation regardless of what you do next - Plan A or B - so dig into some of her posts if you haven't already. Just Learning is supposed to be good for this as well.

Read, read, read, read. TRY not to react. Have you read all the links on this site? Are you following other BS's stories?

I won't give you any advice on Plan A vs. Plan. There are those more experienced here that can do that. But since I know what it's like - living in the Pacific time zone - to wait until the next morning for a reply I thought I'd throw something up.

I did a good plan A for as long as I could, but I found myself terrified of turning into my mother. My dad was a WS for a number of years, and she kept working on the M, plan Aing him and building resentment.

When she finally asked him to leave, he married OW, and she has not had a relationship (or a date that I know of) since. This was 8 years ago. She's still bitter toward men, and I found myself starting to feel that way as well. I didn't want to lose the capability of loving.

I felt *for me* I had to implement Plan B earlier than I would have liked, but I think the Plan A actions were noticed, and I hope that my WW finds her old self again, the person I do love, and we find a way of building our realtionship into something wonderful. If not, I don't think I'll have any regrets either way.

Why would you choose to create resentment, P, when you had a great example of how destructive it is...what little payoff to you it affords?

Why take poison and wait for the other person to die?

Going to Plan B to stop resentment doesn't save what little love you may feel you have left...it protects you by allowing you to continue to resent...and you will. We resent for life if we do not believe we can choose to not resent...

Plan A has no resentment in it. Nor does Plan B. Both have a lot of self-awareness and work involved.

My prayers are with you in your pain; and I believe you cannot lose your ability to love...not in God's design. Love is a choice...not something you earn. See? Your mother didn't know that.

LA

LA - Thanks for your kind words. My WW left home last night, and I believe she was going to see OM (even though he lives 3000 miles away). OM has her real mixed up about who she is, so I think this is for the best right now. I'm moving on as if she won't be back, so will be working on myself and rediscovering who I am as an individual.

WW still has my prayers - I hope she discovers the happiness she deserves, and ends things with OM soon so she can. Whether or not she chooses to return to the M, I will become a better person and live a life I can be proud of.

I am sorry what you are going through but it was pretty clear what was going to happen when she was allowed to continue contact with the OM. She simply had no boundaries and there was very little consequences to her actions. I hope you got yourself checked for STD's. I think you deserve better and will have better in the future. I wish you luck.

P -

Good to know...we're here for you, every step of the way. You're not alone.

LA

Ok, I've been in Plan B for 3 weeks now - had minimal contact with WW, primarily e-mails regarding logistical issues. She finally got an apartment last weekend, and now wants to come by and grab her stuff. I don't want to see her, so will not be home when she does so.

I think she'll primarily be getting clothing items and personal belongings. She's going to need help to get furniture items, and isn't prepared to do that yet. I'm hoping to spilt up the items as close to 50/50 as we can so there is no argument later about them. This is a tough time, because she's coming back into my life to some extent after being gone for 3 weeks.

She still has not ended things with OM, nor has expressed any interest in returning to the M. However, durng the last couple of weeks I have been happier than I have during the last 8 months. The uncertainty is gone. We are both continuing IC with our MC, and it has allowed me to see that I am worthy of love, even if it's not from my WW.

I'm prepared to move on, and go to plan D if that is how things go. I'd also be happy to try and recover our M. The ball is in WW's court, and I'm just going to stay as dark as I possibly can for the time being.