Great, Inadaze!!!

Thanks Mimi, don't think he believes it yet but I'm NOT going to let him manipulate me again! He did my very first day of plan B but now my kids are gone for 3 weeks and he has absolutely no excuse to contact me.

Hey Chachy,

Don't let the master manipulator (MM) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> get you down. You have three mysterious weeks by yourself. Time to party and leave all sorts of confusing signs.

If only we had the confidence to know he is a dime a dozen and (yawn) we're just really not sure which one we'd like to hang around with. Blast a little It's Raining Men and carry on like you're 17 again. Heck, they do!

He's putty in your hands - act as if. And act like you're not so sure you want him again. Disinterest fuels the chase.

I'd bet there are plenty of men out there that would move the moon and the stars for you. Now act as if.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
S.

Hi ChaCha,

Dropping by for support...as you're getting good advice.

It can't be said enough times.....expect WS to 'test' your PLAN B to break it, to see if you are serious....to see if they can 'control' the situation..... by manipulating BS's weak spots....

My WS knows mine..... its the boys and anything relating to them.... what's yours? ....know it/them.... and know that your WS will try to use it for his purposes..... cake eating.... the 'easy way' out without committing to doing anything that involves 'effort'.... looking for the 'path with the least resistance' and the least 'effort' for HIM!

WS can promise you the world....but words are cheap.... wait and see what he DOES!

The hardest part for me in considering PLAN B was "imagining" no longer being 'in contact' with someone with whom I had shared my life over the past 20 years.... until the day I realized that the person he was chosing to become..... was no longer worth knowing! ...then PLAN B was easy for me to consider.....the rest was 'technical'...

....the grieving... the pain.... the loneliness.... the sadness..... had to accept that I needed to 'live' through them... to get to the other side.... know that the wound is DEEP.... I am still avoiding major triggers.... I have not been to our cottage (even though I could go) in over a year... and this time of year.... I really miss it.... but it was a family project.... and I know that deep down I am not yet ready to face it, the pain of it all..... one day I will.... but I haven't gotten there.... so.... try to be good to yourself.... pace yourself... handle 'little' triggers before attacking big ones.... I guess that would be another one of my suggestions... because I find there are already many triggers out there without even 'looking' for them..... anniversaries.... friends.... activities... lots!

....and as a BS is used to 'turning' to WS to lean on, discuss, etc... well, need to find replacement and quick....to avoid being tempted..... like the MB Board!

...anyway... that's what I do...

Something I said and did, and a general attitude for Plan B...
or...

How you know it's for real.

Plan A was all about YOUR actions...negotiating a return to the marriage by fulfilling needs, exposing, cutting out LB's. Portraying the best W you could be, showing him what life would be like when he returned.

Plan B is all about HIS actions...

HE needs to prove to you there is no more contact and to keep you safe from this hurt.

Something I said over and over to my H was, "what will you do to keep me safe from this hurt?" The burden is upon HIM to come up with a plan.,..you are right...then you decide whether to beleive him and to accept his plan.

You can be very clear about his lack of integrity in the past. Think of this like filling out loan paperwork. How does a bank count on the integrity of the lendee? They check on them, have them disclose their life, make promises for the future about payments. DON'T accept anything too risky...

If he asks, then suggest the NC letter. He WILL eventually ask and you can tell him you will not accept him back without the letter. You can also request an open book policy...paswords, cell phone bills, etc...

These are all ways he can begin to rebuild trust with you. But rebuilding trust is all about HIM...if you ask for something and he doesn't fulfill it, or balks at it...understand that his priority is NOT about helping YOU feel safe, but about protecting his butt...

Hi Shattered,
I think you got a couple threads crossed. Inadaze will have 3 mysterious weeks cause her kids are in Arkansas! I will have some time early in July that WH will have NO reason to contact me.

My guard is up for the day for the MM (lol..I picturing a super anti-hero costume) . I'm taking this plan B stuff one day at a time. Today I have to work...Yuck..I need 1 more day for the weekend....to recover!

Thanks for the support Luna...
I do have a wonderful support system in RL and here. I can imagine a life w/o WH. Sometimes I feel really strong and confident....like this weekend I figure out the problem the pool pump all by myself!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But there are times when I miss my HUSBAND terribly. We had a lot of really good years together. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the first day we met....20 years ago...in a gay bar! I'll post that story another time!

Still,
Thank you for your support. He is testing my plan B and I have underestimated him. As I am sure he underestimates my conviction to my boundaries. I am in plan B and will do my best to stay dark, knowing I have to be mindfull of the pitfalls.

I do believe the burden is on him to figure this out. Like with an apology...if its not heartfelt its worthless. One day at a time.

Quiet day today. Tackled the weeds in the poolyard after work today. Gave them a good dose of weed-B-gone yesterday so they were easier to get out.

No contact attempts from WH. I had the kids call him when I was working outside. He is coming to see them tomorrow. After work I will go shopping or something and stay away from the house until he is gone.

Maybe we could invent some WS-B-Gone...to make it easier for S to come out!!

Hang in there. The worst part of Plan B is that it is so BORING. During this time, work on yourself, and making a nice life for your family. Put WH on the back burner.

He's not coming in the house, is he?

That will give him another fix and another attempt to gain the upper hand.

I won't be there. So I won't be sure. The kids are to be ready and go out to the car when he arrives. And he is to drop them off when they are done. But like I said I won't be sure cause I won't be there.

I just wrote the date ( I knew it was coming)and realized today is the 20th anniversary of the day I first met my H. We met in a bar that during the week is gay and on the W/E it was a mixed crowd but played awesome dance music. It ended up that my roommate was on a date w/ one of his friends. It was our 3rd encounter but the first that we were aware of.

The 1st close encounter was a month prior...I got lost and ended up turning around in a driveway that was HIS house.

The 2nd.... I was tanning on a river bank reading a book and saw 2 guys on jet skis and thought it looked like fun. He was one of the guys and saw a girl in a purple bathing suit(me) and was going to ride the jet ski up on the shore line and introduce himself but didn't cause he figured he would crash.

The 3rd....I saw this guy smiling at me from across the bar, he had the most adorable dimples and as he got closer the bluest eyes. He called 2 days later for our first official date....

I definitely better stay away from the house. I wonder if he remembers.

I think you need to make sure that he doesn't come in the house!!

But I already said that, didn't I?

And you said...

Well, you know what you said...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

mimi...I agree, I don't want him in the house...but more than that I don't want to risk seeing him. I have broken plan b too many times already. The kids have access to house, I am concerned that if I am there they will come home unexpectedly and once again he will catch me off guard.

I made it through another day.
WH picked the kids up before I got home. I tried coming back to the house but left, i just couldn't be here. DS called me when they were on they're way home, I told him to call me when they got home and that WH could leave. He called me when they got home but WH refused to leave them alone until I got here. When I pulled up he got in his car and "burned rubber" as he left. jerk. real mature 42 yr old. When I got in the house DD was crying cause she heard him pull away and that he didn't say good bye. JERK!

I'm gonna make an appt w/ SH.

I'm thinking of calling my intermediary and have her tell him since pick up and drop off isn't going smoothly he can pick them up and drop them off at my parents' house.

Sounds like things are going well. He isn't liking Plan B. Stay very dark.

Yes, and that means Plan B is having its desired effect on your WH. Keep staying dark...remember you are in control now.

HTW

Good idea about the drop off and pick up being at your parent's house, but I would wait to tell him (through the intermediary) until the next pick up...don't let it seem retalitory, don't let it seem the burning rubber incident got to you.

We all know it is to protect your kids, and he will be on better behavior with the in-laws (hopefully) but he will think his antics got to you...

Believer, HTW & Still,
Thanks for stopping by and lending support. I don't think he likes plan B and I don't think he is taking me seriously...yet.



Excellent point.

I tried to make appt w/ SH but didn't realize they only take appts 8AM-12N. I'll try again tomorrow.