HTW,
That was a pretty vague response....but I'll take it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />. I remember just before WH moved out I felt like I was in a holding pattern. Nothing really bad and nothing really good. It will continue to get better one way or the other. You will continue to do better as you progress w/ your personal recovery. So I'll wait until you are ready to give more details. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself. Thanks for checking in w/me.

Mimi,
SF is one area that we haven't had problems with. I'm not going to go into detail (cause my mom reads here...wave to mom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />)but we had agreed to hold off on SF because there are other areas we want to focus on, other ways to communicate. We can easily get wrapped up in SF...time kind of stops and the world melts away...but I'm always open to new ideas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

mimi,
We just crossed posted...I see you are talking more about seduction and SF...as I said before...I'm open to suggestions.

ChaCha-

Oh, I love hearing that you are doing well! I can relate to your cautiousness. Do you feel safer?

Thanks for your post on my thread, I really appreicate it and hope that you check in from time to time.

That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. It is as though my life has stopped until all this is taken care of and that is frustrating.

I've noticed that the anger from my WW has dropped off substantially over the last few months and she doesn't get angry at trivial things anymore, whereas before she would find faults and get angry even though I was at the peak of my Plan A. Part of this may be due to the fact that I do not accept the blame game anymore. Did you notice this form your WH as he was about to leave?

I'm not sure why this wouldn't be a great asset during Recovery...

Focusing on the NOW and enjoying each other are the first items of agenda during early recovery...

Are you saying that you think that you need to be SERIOUS and focus on your issues? What better way to bond with each other again?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I think when I accepted that he would be leaving a lot of the pressure was off the both of us. My WH did not like plan A...maybe because I think it made him feel guilty as he was trying to distance himself from me. WS builds up all these reasons why the M failing is YOUR fault...in plan A when you are working on yourself and trying to correct behaviors that weren't healthy for your M you take away justification. Its all about the blame game. You were taking away the justification for blame. Not to say plan A was wasted...it changed me...when these changes are consistant and sincere my H noticed (WH still wanted to ignore it). That why I think plan A behaviors should not be a show of the "Stepford Spouse" but sincere behaviors that you would do for yourself or family even if WS wasn't there.

It is a great asset for recovery...I just don't want it to be our only asset. One of the problems in our M was lack of recreational companionship, we need to be friends/partners not just lovers.



That is exactly what we are doing. We have been playful..connecting on a different level...we are not discussing marital issues at this time. Our life had become SO SERIOUS. We are learning how to have fun together.

Right now..I mean today...the focus is not on our "romantic" relationship. My WH has spent the last 2 years trying to prove he didn't love me "that way". Now, I am not pushing the issue...I am relaxed...I am allowing him to rediscover those feelings himself. The attraction is there...he is persuing me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes I let him catch me.

It's especially wonderful to be FRIENDS AND LOVERS!! Closer friends when there's good SF..better SF when you are good friends...



GREAT!!



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We leave for Puerto Rico in the morning.
I have mixed feelings. On one hand this is a great opportunity for us...on the other maybe its an empty promise. WH has been distant and moody last few days. Makes me think there has been contact. He denies. I asked if he had changed his mind about me going with him. He says no but wants me to realize that it is a working trip for him.

So I am going to take a leap of faith. Going without expectations. I look at him sometimes and wonder if I do want him back...I definitely don't want WH back...I wonder if H is still in there.

Please say a prayer for us.

Remember TIME AND PATIENCE, CC..

It took a full 6 months for my H to seem normal again...

Recovery is hard...

Try to focus on having FUN!!!

Thanks mimi I keep trying to remember that. My montra "BE STILL"...its not easy.

I am focusing on my personal recovery...I took inventory and I'm doing pretty well...I've faced my demons...I've secured my finances (new job and raise)...next on the list is me and my physical well being...exercise, nutrition, pampering>>>putting myself on the priority list.

I do intend to have fun on this trip. And I intend to spoil myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

CC, Just go and enjoy yourself and be happy. You'll be suprised how things work out better when you project a positive attitude. It's an attractive quality so just go there with the intent to have a great time.

As for why your WH is distant...who knows right now. Is there any chance he can be in contact while in PR?

I'll be praying for you.

BTW, how do you change your subject headings?

Hope:

You can change your subject headings by editing the SUBJECT at the very first post that you make to begin a thread.

I guess my first post is old it doesn't give me the edit option to change my title.

Can't sleep tonight so heres a brief update.

The trip to Puerto Rico was ok. I enjoyed myself. Being w/ WH was....ok. I think he was at least trying a little.

Now I look at him and I don't think I want this to work out. He is now a pessimist. He has trouble looking me in the eye, let alone have a conversation w/ me....about anything. He is defensive. Does not seem one bit remorseful. If this is the man he has become and the man that he will remain...I don't want him.

He was acting angry today alot of passive/aggressive stuff. After the kids went to bed I called him on it. I got no where. I did tell him one of my most important needs is for conversation...I realize I can't force him to talk to me...I can't control him and make him open up to me...the only thing I can do is decide if I want to be w/someone who won't talk to me.

I tried to end on a good note and told him I thought that he was trying...I know that he loves his family...that he is good man. I said that I was a good woman who loves her family. That this isn't easy for either of us that we should be patient w/ eachother and give one another the benefit of the doubt. And joking w/a loving grin, I said it would be nice if he smiled in my direction occassionally. He looked me in the eye and said "So you want me to fake it." It caught me off gaurd...I can't even tell you how much that hurt.

Sorry, CC..

Told you Recovery is HARD...was the HARDEST part for me.

6 MONTHS..before my H was NORMAL AGAIN...

Your H is still in WITHDRAWAL ...3 to 6 months before it is over with..longer if the affair was Long Term and EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED/ROMANTIC...

He is not going to FEEL LOVE for you again until WITHDRAWAL is over...need to insure there is no more contact...or WITHDRAWAL will need to begin all over again from that point...

I will be able to talk to you more about this later...

But NO this is not the man that you will want to be with YET...

A part of him does want this to fail...

Because he is ADDICTED...He is an ADDICT...

Because he want to CONTINUE TO USE...He is missing his HIGH..not available in the REAL WORLD...

Although he knows that it is BAD FOR HIS SOUL...He continues to CRAVE for her..not HER..but the HIGH of the AFFAIR...

I know YUCK..

You need to ask yourself if you are up for this...

Because it is hard...

No time to expect him to meet your ENs...

No time for Relationship talk...

You will have to depend on your own emotional resources..mainly..for 3 to 6 months....

I really noticed a BIG DIFFERENCE at 6 months..

But early on..my H was a lot like yours...

Most importantly, though, are you doing the RULES OF PROTECTION...insuring that there is NC with her in any form..no voice mails..no E-mails..no greeting card...no glimpses of her..no pictures of her..NADA....

CC, sorry to hear things didn't quite go as you had wanted. mimi makes some great points and we have all heard that recovery is the hardest part. Give it some time and remember your WH may need to fake it for a while to get the feelings back.

Keep trying to meet his EN's without any expectations. I know that is hard, but you are still very early in the recovery process.

You've seen glimpses of you old H and hopefully with time he will return fully. Keep thinking of that.

HTW

Hi ChaCha -

Just checking in on you -- Following your story in hopes that I will be where you are one day. Give it time....

Take Care!

Kim

Hi Chacha, sorry I haven't been around, dealing with the same issues, plus contact you know! I understand what you are saying about not being remorseful, I'm dealing with the same thing, it's the little things that you won't see right now, but if you look back say a week ago or two, you can see the difference. At least that's my case! See if it's the same for you?

Remember to focus on you, work on you, it's like plan Aing all over again. Did you plan A at some point, sorry I don't know your whole story.

You'll have your good days and bad days, but look how far you've come. What would be the point of giving up now? Is it what you really want? Have you worked so hard to perhap sabotage yourself? are your expectations getting in your way?

You have done a wonderful, outstanding job thus far, you are a strong person, if you truely want this, you can do it! I have faith in you!

ChaCha's pg. 1

here's the link to your first page if you wanted to change your title. I hope it works!