Sounds like a frustrating situation, but you handled it well
and at least you and FWH are working and "playing" together,
which is great. You're right- you don't have to put on a
"game face" with someone you are comfortable and familiar
with, so that was probably a good thing too.

Thanks for the info about the CNA position, ChaCha. I've
been interested to see what positions seem to be in high
demand around here and checking to see what of them might
be something I could do either with my current skill set or
some short term school. I can see why the CNA would be in
high demand, but guess I need to keep looking for something
that makes more pay-

Hope the rest of your week is good, keep it up !
Slammed

Great, Cha-Cha!!

I think you are right on target here.

We call it "THEATER" that your H was doing with his friend. My H actually knows when he's doing it..calls it "an act".

It's great that he feels comfortable enough with you to be "REAL"...really himself.

He play-acted enough in his FANTASY WORLD. That's where he learned and practiced it.

He's probably as tired of the playacting as he is after working around the house...which he prefers..because being around the house is REAL LIFE....

You're getting to NORMAL...

We've been graduated to NEW NORMAL...

That comes later..

You're getting there...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I get upset at the same thing so don't feel like you are the only one. If you get upset with him he will only close himself more to you. It's good that you caught yourself.

The walls will slowly have to come down for the both of you before you can begin to open up to each other. Hopefully mimi can confirm this for us...

WOW! I'm so proud of you! Fantastic Job! It's the little things, ChaCha! Work on the little things like that, and then you can tackle the big ones!

Oh, I could just cry! I'm so Happy for you! LOL

Have a great day! You deserve it!

Go ChaCha! Go ChaCha! Go ChaCha! Go ChaCha!

And the crowd roars! YAAAAAHHH! LMAO

Ya know its funny how when you can look at things from a different perspective it changes everything.

I use to feel responsible for FWH moods. If he was in a bad mood I must have done something "wrong". Well now I see I can't own his moods...I only have to own mine...and that just depends on me no one else.

This morning I had to rush out to work and I didn't get to somethings that I had hoped to. FWH seemed sullen. My first reaction...he's mad cause I didn't get those boxes cleared out. H never said it. No...I felt guilty because I didn't get the boxes cleared out and I had to go to work leaving him home to deal with the renovation. He was probably thinking about whatever project he planned to tackle, never even noticed what I had left undone. It was my stinkin' thinkin'. So I realized--I gotta work--I can't be there all the time, as long as I do what I can while I am there then that is good enough, I have nothing to feel guilty about.

Lemme tell ya its a relief not to feel responsible for everything. It helps me appreciate so much more. That has to make a difference in my interactions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tonight I am going to see "The Lion King" w/a friend, my DD and niece. I got the tickets months ago. I had no way of knowing FWH would be around let alone in the midst of all these projects. I will go, enjoy it and not feel guilty. BTW I had asked FWH and DS to go but they begged NOT to go. So the tickets will be used by those who will enjoy the show.

Mimi thanks for the advice!
HTW thanks for the support!
Rin thanks for the encouragement!

This is such a learning experience for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope that you enjoy the show! And you've nailed it on a different perspective! It surely changes your world!

I was so good at thinking the same things with H...I did something to result in his mood! Well, sweetie, we both know different now! Feels great doesn't it, are your shoulders lighter? LOL

We had a great time at "Lion King" we had wonderful seats about 10 rows from the stage!

I'm still frustrated w/ FWH. I waffle daily thinking we will get through this then being sure we should just end it. I posted this on the recovery board but I'm looking for help from anyone/everyone:

FWH has been on vacation all week. He spent the entire time working on our house so we can put it on the market to sell. His goal is to be moved by the time school starts.

I agreed to move but we needed to work on some of our marital issues too BEFORE we move. He has yet to disclose ANY details of his A. I believe NC is in place. He did write and I did send the NC letter.

He is focused on the house. He engages no conversation w/ me. He answers in short responses when I speak to him. He has not moved back home. He is staying here while he works on the house. He says he hates this town and will never move back here. He speaks to the kids fine. Tells them what his plans are but doesn't share those plans w/ me.

The last couple days he has refused to allow me to do anything for him....withdrawl? guilt?

Do I confront him on it? I haven't pushed R talk cause I don't feel like we are in recovery. Sometimes I feel like just giving up. If this is the best he has to offer....it stinks. He has never been a big talker, especially about his feelings but this is torture. I'd be happy to talk about paint and drywall. Everyday when I get home from work I see the progress he has made... and tell him how good it looks or how much of a difference it makes. I make sure I have all his favorite food and drinks in the house, easy breakfasts and luches and I make dinner every night. I try to initiate conversation about general things the response I get is mostly grunts. I understand he is exhausted and its been really hot here.

Sometimes I think he wants to get the house fixed so we can sell it and he can get his 1/2 of the money...that he has no intention of rebuilding our marriage....that he used that as a carrot to get me to go along w/ him.

Hi ChaCha!

I am so proud of you! Taking a step back and thinking through things before acting! (referring to the grunts you got and the bravado the friend got) I don't know if I could have done the same!

TAke CAre!!

Kim

I do see glimpses of my H. Just yesterday I was done ready to throw in the towel...No LB's...just not feeling connected. Then he did something. A small tender gester that he used to do all the time but hasn't done in at least 2 years. And it pulled at my heart and brought tears to my eyes. (I didn't cry just welled up) In an instant I felt hope...I saw my H. So I will hang in there and cherish those glimpses and pray they become more and more frequent.


FWH has never been comfortable talking about feelings. He is a 1st class conflict avoider and passive/aggressive. Him working on the house is a good indicator. The man I married, his home and his family were the most important thing in the world. WH the most important things (besides OW) were hanging out w/ friends and getting drunk. He doesn't see or talk to any of those friends. I bought him a 12 pack when he was working on the house last week. Sometimes a cold beer is nice at the end of a hot day. It is untouched in my fridge.

I'm thinking his A was part of a mid-life crisis. He turned 40 in 2004.

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Sounds hard, but you are doing a great job, taking it slow,
and giving lots of love and patience- way to go !

Hard to know what the FWS is thinking or feeling, I'd guess
your FWS must still be in a "withdrawal" state, and probably
goes through the some of the same feelings you are having as
far as feeling like things will work out vs. not working out
plus he has the guilt of being the wayward to deal with too.

Have been having some long, hot, tiring days here. I am
still continuing the job search, doing things around tzhe
house and yard, and am nailing down plans for my upcoming
"mini" vacation. Had an interesting happening with WH
yesterday, which I'll update on my thread, so as not to
run too long here.
Slammed

Thanks for stopping by...I'm headed over to your place to catch up...hope you have the coffee on...never mind too hot,I'll have something cold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

That is a good sign since it tells me you still have some love left in you LB$. See how quickly he could fill your tank? If he only knew.

I know how you feel since I get the same glimpses of FWW every so often and it pulls at my heart.

CC, I would hold off on any R-talk since it might push him back. Give it some more time and see if his actions continue to show he is making an effort. Maybe you can keep a journal to compare in a few weeks time.

Thanks for your reply on my post- was cool enough this
morning that I enjoyed some hot chocolate ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(finally, a break in the heat brought cool temps, wind and
rain last night, and it's cooler, cloudy and damp today).

Hope you will see more and more frequent glimpses of H,
until he's back "full time". Sounds like you both are
making sincere effort, will just take a lot of patience
and faith.

Slammed

HI, ChaCha! How are you doing? I'm hearing all these great things! Wonderful!


I'm not sure about you but I've got the faith, and am having to learn the patience part! I like HTW's idea about journaling! Of course, I feel like my thread is my journal! I really need to start one at home!

Just like HTW and Slammed, I'm going to hope that you get more rainbows. LOL

Oh, Did you read the HN's letter on my thread? It's interesting! I feel like AmI, "why is life throwing this at me right now?" I'm still confused from the lesson I was trying to learn, now I have another one to deal with! LOL

HTW, thanks for stopping by...I do keep a journal.I don't journal daily in it... but things seem to change so quickly it doess give perspective. What seems like an eternity only happened a couple weeks ago.

Slammed, It is still wicked hot here. Thank goodness I work in airconditioning.

Rin, w/ neighbors like that... no wonder Desperate Housewive's is such a hit!

I have a nagging feeling...its not good....but I will be still. It tells me FWH is not invested in trying to rebuild us...but I will be still. I know I go back and forth in thinking we are capable of recovery and my mind is clear, he has to deal w/ fog & guilt...I will be still. He is coming down to see the kids tonight, he did not include me in their plans. I will be still...I will not beg or intrude BUT..I will go out after work and not be sitting around the house while they are out.

OT: This morning I put my dog out around 6AM as I opened the door there was the <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />unmistakeable feeling of a bat fluttering at my neck. It came from behind me so I guess it was trapped in the house last night and escaped this morning. Thank goodness there were no neighbors out to witness my "bat dance" on the back porch! In my PJ's! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FIRST, I HAVE TO LAUGH A few MOMENTS! The BAT! Housewives! HN doesn't work! LOL

RMFAO! LOL LOL LOL LOL

Okay, I'm better! No, Hold on! LOL LOL LOL

That is too funny! Thanks!


I think you've got the right idea! I hear fear and it could be nothing! I'll stand still with you! I haven't looked up since Sunday! It's time!