If your wife had an affair and divorced you and you only get EOW and one weeknight, then you did indeed get screwed. You have my sympathies.

Why is wondering what a woman would take from me any different from the many people, men or women who look for clues about abuse, or affairs or anything else.

So it's ok for a woman to look for a man who will not beat her, but it's not ok for a man to look for a woman who doesn't appear to want to take a man to the cleaners?

I'm sorry, but anyone who says they have preferences, but disparage yours is speaking out of both sides of their mouth.

I wouldn't say I got screwed. I chose not to fight my battle in the courts. I am now seeing the fruits of this strategy.

We might still be fighting if we were dealing with the custody issue, but now it's gone.

So I have all the resources I would have spent on the attorney, and I would still be in debt.

Instead, I have cash for when I have my YD. So if we want to go out, or go to Chuck E. Cheese or wherever, I don't have to wonder if I have enough cash for gas and a large pizza and a cup of tokens. We just go.

Now I don't buy her everything. In fact, I buy her very little when it comes to toys and such. Instead, she has an allowance. She has to save 10%, give 10% to God and the rest is hers to blow.

When it's gone, it's gone. Her mother, and maternal grandparents buy her everything. I buy clothes on occassion, but for the most part, her day to day toys are what they give her or from her own allowance.

She is learning that she can't have everything she wants from me.

I really think she respects me for that. Sure, she is seven and wants the world. But I am building a foundation for a self confident, self assured, competent woman with a realistic view of the world.

Life is NOT delivered on a silver platter just because she is cute. Well, at least not by this man!

Oh, I don't know. Do men almost always evaluate a woman in terms of how hot she is and good in bed she is? Is it the EN for good sex? Or is that a shallow and superficial way of looking at a potential mate?

I don't see a lot of decent women looking for Mr. Moneybags, especially if they've been burned by their rich [censored] ex who ran off with his secretary. Women don't necessarily want men who keep getting their cars repossessed, but a good, kind, funny, sweet man who is reasonably solvent is a wonderful catch.

I've been burned, but I hope I'm not jaded at all. I think that would be a depressing, cynical way to go through life, and I hope I have the luck to someday meet a man who loves and accepts me and my individual circumstances, not one who will cross me off because I fail a financial criteria. And I think other women share my view. And, believe me, it's your loss.

I'm used to it. I'm sure I get passed over all the time because I'm too tall for my hair, LOL.

It is not our place to judge another EN as superficial or invalid. That's a DJ.

They may not be our EN's, but that doesn't mean ours are superior to theirs.

Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with this. It's an important part of the whole equation.



So why even add this caveat?



It's a big ocean out there. I don't consider fish I don't want to eat a "loss".

Well, whatever. Maybe this means I flunk the MB class, but I think a woman who will only date rich men is shallow and superficial, even if she may say "but I have an emotional need for financial security!" What happens when he loses his job? She bolts?

I think a man who will only date smoking hot 25-year-olds is shallow and superficial, even if he may say, "But I have an emotional need for hot chicks with big boobs! Sorry, it's a need of mine, what can I do?" What happens when she pushes out a few kids? He bolts?

Disrespectful judgement, my left foot. Snort. You betcha.

Sure we do.

If a woman looks like she can't handle a 4 to 6 hour love making session, then how is she going to be able to handle having kids. (Not that I'm planning any more kids, it's an instinct thing with us guys.)

I mean, she can't be too fat or too skinny. She has to appear to have fun, take care of herself and be a good partner.

So I'm not talking looking like a streetwalker attractive. I'm talking about wholesome fun partner attractive.

I'm thinking Julia Roberts over JLO here.

Of course, I look like Robert Redford, with less hair, LOL.

Actually, I look like the younger brother of Jay Bush of the Bush's Beans commercials.

But that the great thing about emotional needs, you get to choose what your needs are, and your spouse gets to choose if they can or want to meet them.

If your spouse is no longer meeting your need for FS or AS or DS or RC or SF, then one has the choice to remain the marriage and negotiate for their needs being met, adjust their needs, or to leave.

Just because I don't agree with the needs of another person, that doesn't make me superior to them.

Not agreeing with them is not where the DJ lies, but in expressing and believing that your beliefs and views are superior to theirs.

That is the definition of a DJ, to believe your views are more right, more superior, or better for another person than their views.

So you can blow it off. But I hope you can see that I'm not saying you are wrong for having your views. But perhaps it's not so good to feel yours are superior.

This conversation I'm having with two divorced guys is starting to depress me. I'm newly separated but I'm starting to understand why women get out there and then realize they're happier staying home with their cats and a vibrator.

"If women can't handle a 4 to 6 hour lovemaking session, then how is she going to be able to handle having kids." Now I think I've heard it all. Believe me, once women have a couple kids under the age of five, they would far rather have a 4 to 6 hour nap than a roll in the hay with you.

So perhaps that's why some guys think they need to find a 25 year old hottie. Because the woman who promised to rock their world now prefers a nap to making love to their husband.

I'm not trying to slam you.

Perhaps you too can see why the thought of marriage "depresses" many men. Because that hot sexy woman they were dating turns into a torn sweatpants wearing nap machine, LOL.

Nah. I think is a marriage a sacred covenant entered into before friends, family, and your god, a lifelong commitment to sharing the joys and struggles of life together until death do you part, not a fungible contract that can be broken when hubby loses his job or wifey puts on a few pounds. Obviously my husband disagrees with me, LOL.

Just call me Ms. Judge Judgy Judgerson.

Well,consider it a DJ again if you want EE but this is one of the worst statements I have seen lately.What has enduring a 4-6 hour "lovemaking session" have anything to do with childbirth? You are not a woman so you will NEVER know what it is to give birth.How can you make a suggestion like this?

And "looks" like she can't "handle" it? Just what does that mean to you? Talk about superficial assessments.It's like that old saying in high school that you can tell if a girl has had sex by the way she walks.I wonder who made that one up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Life is not an episode of Letters to Penthouse. "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me ..."

Understanding that is the first step toward wisdom, my little grasshopper.

And the same could be said for the overweight,balding,flannel shirt wearing,slug who views porn and sports all day long while slugging down beer.It goes both ways.

Judge Judgy,

I think we really agree more than we disagree. Like you, I still believe those things about marriage.

When I married, I married for life, even though my now ex-wife misrespresented herself about how much she wanted me, if you know what I mean.

You see, we never had sex before we married. Something God says is a good thing in his scripture. Well, I should be clear, neither of us were virgins, but we had both avoided sex during the 30 months we dated prior to marriage.

So after hearing that she was enthusiastic about the 4 hour love making sessions, only to find out she really wasn't was quite a blow to me.

But I didn't leave. I didn't do the right things to negotiate and avoid resentment, that is my part that I own.

Like your husband, my ex-wife disagreed with me, and believed the solution was to change partners, not work on the very real problems in the relationship.

I disagree, but she gets to make her own decisions and live with the outcome.

Sounds like a good description of marriage. Doesn't sound like it'd be too much fun...or at least the twenty some-odd years of it I experienced.

I think I'll pass.

Fair question. Can you pull in your claws, LOL.

Seriously, (no the 4 hour lovemaking session wasn't serious, it's more like 3.5, LOL) but what is serious is that men are genetically programmed to look for partners who will be good at giving birth to their children.

So what one might call superficial, has a real world rationale behind it.

So what do I look for, really? A woman who is not so fat that I can see some sort of hourglass shape and likewise not so skinny that she is a rail. I look for someone who looks like she could spend a day at a theme park or even in a national forest, hiking or riding all the rides and still have the energy to make love after the kiddos are asleep in their beds.

The ladies who have to circle the parking lot to find the spaces closest to the door because walking from a distance to the Wal*Mart entrance is too much just don't appeal to me. Give me the lady who takes the first spot she sees, and briskly walks to the door.

She gets extra points if she is driving a stick shift car, because the automatic transmission is the work of the devil, I just know it, LOL.

Ditto for how women look at men. The pot bellied bald guy that doesn't look like he can run to catch the bus is not going to be an attractive mate to most women, compared to a man with a large chest and narrow waist.

Now for years, how did women look at men? As providers of food and shelter.

So I'm not insulted by a woman who looks at that. If a woman wants a man who brings home truck loads of $100's then fine, I can live with that.

I'm sorry you felt offended by what I said. I hope this makes it clear that I believe my expectations are reasonable and not shallow, nor are they hypocritical, as I don't expect anything I can't offer myself.

In fact, both cars I own are stick shifts, LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm not saying I want to have a Penthouse letter event with every strange woman I meet. (No, not that kind of strange, LOL)

But to regularly have wild passionate sex with the woman I love is a legitimate EN of mine.

How did we get off on this tangent anyway?

Look, I'm 37 and I have small children. I have a lot of girlfriends my age IRL and online and the one thing I can tell you is that hubby's need for wild, passionate sex is a huge source of conflict in marriages because women are EXHAUSTED. Everyone my age has small kids, many have full-time jobs, they still do the majority of the housework and organizing of life and at the end of the day, wild sex is low down on the list.

I just saw a survey of what women want for Mother's Day. Men are out planning romantic dinners and flowers and hot date nights. You know what the women want? To be left alone for awhile without anyone plucking at them demanding juice boxes, the marketing report, PTA cupcakes, and blow jobs.

I know you're from Mars and I'm from Venus. Or whatever it is. But I think the demands of kids and jobs and sexual differences present huge problems for couples in their 30s and 40s. I'm just trying to present the Venus viewpoint.