Wow. "I did not leave you so you could financially benefit from it".

"I hear you saying you want to punish me by leaving; you do not want me to profit from being abandoned, is that correct?"

I was reared by a psuedo-martyr...easy to take on that role which was modeled to me. I hear you. Unless you're a martyr for God, you're manipulative. That's what I learned about myself.

Living externally was what I called a way of life. I was chained to it...everything came in to me through the outside...people's expectations, judgments, etc. Manipulating thosed expectations was a way to feel safe...you nailed that. That's the fantasy part of living externally...you aren't safe. Can't mitigate expectations when others' judgments mean more than your own about what is solely your own.

I brought up shame because that is why I lived externally...getting to me by way of others...shame of who I was meant putting real self aside and from fear, creating a false self, building, sustaining and maintaining it gave my mental hamsters a real workout, daily. Ran them lean suckers for 40 years. No more.

I stopped hating disappointing people...when I no longer allowed myself to be a pleaser. Getting that pleasing is abusive...horribly disrespectful...to do for others what we believe they cannot is telling them they are less than, defective, incapable. Over time, they believe it.

I totally related to this: " I think I just hate dissapointing people so I need them to have low expectations of me. So that way, I can really dazzle them when I pull off some 'normal person' success."

I did it with dressing up...didn't wear makeup or dress up until I wanted to dazzle...and then, it worked...shocked...changed their perception...powerful. Not really, just felt that way.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Until my perception mattered, I was hung up in my head, spinning.

LA

I ran my new and improved theory by my counselor friends and family. Buddy said he can totally see me doing that, sister did not see it. Which goes to my point, I don't have to act crazy to change my families perception of me. All my manipulations are solely in my head. I am very busy "pulling one over" on people, and they are oblivious to all my work. I don't have to be crazy for them, they love me anyway.

But enough about me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I liked the part where you quoted my WH with shock. Let's talk about how whacked he is. (At least I admit I am a whack job)

I completely relate to the cosmetic thing. When I never tried to look decent, it was always so rewarding to shock and awe just by making an effort. Set the bar low and then dazzle people when you leap with such little effort.

Why do you think you're looked upon as less being a FWW and BS?

I thought that when I first posted...not much since...

I don't see a difference between you and me.

Okay, you're younger...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Hey LA,

Since we were talking about my frequent DJ's, I wanted to have you read this note and highlight the DJ's for me. (This is not so much about MBing, but more about being conscious of my smart mouth). I did not write this with no DJ's in mind, so this is a typical letter to WH.

Exploring DJs...I'm with you...

"Since I have not bored you with emotional stuff and I am not arguing divorce stuff, I am not sure why you avoid phone calls when I am pretty much talking about schedule stuff."

Here you go...you are assuming boredom and that your actions/words will determine his communication levels...you're pretty powerful, huh? You assume he's avoiding...not a fact you know...and the DJ comes in when you are essentially saying, "I'm playing by your rules and you're not playing fair." You interpreted the rules...they weren't laid out and POJA'd, were they? You aren't really looking to a WS to be fair?

"it is very frustrating to know that you are refusing any communication." Did he say "I am refusing to communicate with you"?

Here is where your super reasonable logic hangs you up..."If I email, then you will have a written copy to provide your lawyer. That would be effective. Sending you 4 pages of texts is not effective." Ownership is missing...again, assuming the written copy to lawyer (I do understand this assumption)...and then declaring what would be effective rather than owning what would be desirable or effective for you. I believe this would be an effective form of communication for me. What do you think? I feel resentment and frustration sending four pages of texts.

O&H, Jean...

Here is where you substantiate your request...unnecessarily:

"I have tried running everything through the lawyer channels, but that doesn’t get anywhere either."

Can you hear the attack in "I've tried everything and you aren't doing crapola." What is your truth here? "I want a direct and reasonable way to communicate with you where we both succeed...what do you suggest?"

Another point of ownership (and yes, I have acronymed it to be POO because it's funnier)..."and the faster we can settle it, the better." "settle it, the better I will feel (or live)...or the better for me."

"It would seem we would have to be able to communicate to do that." No ownership in "it's"...they are watch words for taking what is yours and putting it into rule form, or global judgment.

Not too riddled, actually, Jean...I think you used a lot of restraint...uhm, the big disclaimer at the top? Yeah...I figured you would know that's a DJ.

Let's go to intent, first. Before you write WH anything, define your intent. The nitty gritty of it...so you can be true to yourself...not increase your own betrayal. Deep breaths and focusing on pure intent helps.

Then, respect. You are choosing to be reactive to his past statements...taking his truth and turning it on him, which in reality, chains you to it. Respect breaks those bonds. He may have said cruel and denigrating stuff...I hate your letters, they are too emotional...(which may be code for manipulative)...I feel angry and upset when I read them.

These are his truths, not THE truth. They don't have to change what you write to him...his choice to read or not to read. If you follow your own guideline for respecting yourself and hold your intent in front of you, then your truth will be owned, shared, and your requests will be respectful. Changing this dynamic can change everything.

Do not allow his DJs in your head...bless them and send them on their way...they aren't yours. You have a life pattern of fixating (which others call analyzing too much) on statements others make...and you keep them like childhood treasures, repeating in your head and close to your heart...making them yours...and they are not.

To define another is to abuse them...only we define ourselves. I was glued to this fixation, which is where I'm seeing it in you, because I made others my mirror...I wanted them to define me...only the catch was, they had to define me as I wanted them to, in the way I wanted my self-image to be seen...it is a no-win policy.

I had to change my belief what others said to what they truly were...their opinion. Their perception. No right or wrong...just theirs. I had to choose my perspective to be this is coming from their eyes, which are no longing mine...looking at myself through them...and then I could hear the defining statements better...and using that hopper on my head, not allow myself to believe them. They weren't mine. They were theirs...over there...not here. Opinions. Not facts.

I stopped allowing my brain to rehash and restate others' words...blessed them and sent them on their way...which trained my brain to not focus more on others than on me...what a relief. When I did this, I stopped reliving the emotional experience of those words...over and over again, as if they were being said anew in the present. This was relief, also.

What filled up all that space in my head? Questions to my self...how are you? How do you feel about this...think about that...and some exercises, like owning all my villagers, meditating, and practicing being...a human being, not a human doing.

Sounds so much easier than it is, I promise!

When I stopped reliving and fixating, I began to not be passive aggressive...coding my words to communicate my negative emotions...and that was a relief, too. I practiced using "I feel" and "I believe" statements...ownership instead of blame...accepting intead of shame...stopped a lot of self-doubt by ceasing self-punishment...which is how we bash ourselves believing we will stop making mistakes, not living up to expectations, or worse, not earning love. I am not a child...why would this punishment aid me in any way?

I began to look at what my wants, needs and desires were...find the whys...which were interesting...such a mix from childlike to adult self-image...I found me fascinating...as fascinating as I have always found others...

You're like that, Jean...you are as amazing, complex, intricately designed and powerful as anyone...worth more than a second glance...heck, worth fixating on.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Know what your pond represents? Replacement therapy...obsessing on something less destructive to decrease an addictive cycle...and then, obsessing on a more healthier something...and then replacing that one...until you aren't addicted to obsessing.

Slowly but surely, with a lot of acknowledgment, awareness and acceptance along the way. Alliteration compulsion.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

"Since I have not bored you with emotional stuff and I am not arguing divorce stuff, I am not sure why you avoid phone calls when I am pretty much talking about schedule stuff."

Here you go...you are assuming boredom and that your actions/words will determine his communication levels...you're pretty powerful, huh? You assume he's avoiding...not a fact you know...and the DJ comes in when you are essentially saying, "I'm playing by your rules and you're not playing fair." You interpreted the rules...they weren't laid out and POJA'd, were they? You aren't really looking to a WS to be fair?
Yes the rules were laid out, not POJA'd. I have been instructed by him to only communicate when it is pertinent to him. Yes, I see that I am saying "you're not being fair"

"it is very frustrating to know that you are refusing any communication." Did he say "I am refusing to communicate with you"?
yes

Here is where your super reasonable logic hangs you up..."If I email, then you will have a written copy to provide your lawyer. That would be effective. Sending you 4 pages of texts is not effective." Ownership is missing...again, assuming the written copy to lawyer (I do understand this assumption)...and then declaring what would be effective rather than owning what would be desirable or effective for you. I believe this would be an effective form of communication for me. What do you think? I feel resentment and frustration sending four pages of texts.
If I tell him what I need, that is not pertinent to him. I have to go from the angle of what is pertinent, and him being free of me is very pertinent (and yes, that is probably a DJ - but I am only reporting the facts ma'am)

O&H, Jean...
[What does O&H mean??[/b]

Here is where you substantiate your request...unnecessarily:

"I have tried running everything through the lawyer channels, but that doesn’t get anywhere either."

Can you hear the attack in "I've tried everything and you aren't doing crapola." What is your truth here? "I want a direct and reasonable way to communicate with you where we both succeed...what do you suggest?"

Another point of ownership (and yes, I have acronymed it to be POO because it's funnier)..."and the faster we can settle it, the better." "settle it, the better I will feel (or live)...or the better for me."

"It would seem we would have to be able to communicate to do that." No ownership in "it's"...they are watch words for taking what is yours and putting it into rule form, or global judgment.

Not too riddled, actually, Jean...I think you used a lot of restraint...uhm, the big disclaimer at the top? Yeah...I figured you would know that's a DJ.
Yeah DJ, but that is part of the rules, I am only allowed to speak to him if it is a nonemotional issue - his rules, not mine

I am really paying attention to what you are saying. The intent is to find a way to communicate. I have asked for some consistency. One week, he will take my calls, the next week, he won't and I have not done anything to pi$$ him off. I have asked for a confirmation of receipt of my message, if he sends me a confirmation without a reply, I know that he is sending me the FU-I will not answer you. Then, I stop leaving messages. As far as making his truth mine. If he flat out says "I don't care how you feel", I don't see the point in the "I feel" messages, it completely turns his brain off. Logic doesn't work, emotions don't work. He won't take the third party calls if he is actively ignoring me. Even his lawyer said that WH won't return his calls. WH has climbed under his rock and can wave his magic wand and make us all go away - what a gift.

And yes, I realize that I still have the objective of trying to change his behavior. So I'll stop.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

O&H is Openness and Honesty...an Emotional Need...and what I urge everyone to practice for themselves.

Why does your WH set your rules? They weren't POJA'd, they don't have your Taker at the table...why are you choosing to honor his rules? Where are yours? What is your intent?

I don't believe your intent is to communicate...get deeper...your intent in this letter was to play by his rules to get him to fulfill your request...not pure intent...not simple.

If your intent was to communicate, you did that. You have full power over communicating your needs, wants and desires...everything about you that you choose to share...

You don't have a bit of control over his communication...those universal rules apply.

You betray yourself by saying your intent is to communicate--and you must do this by his rules. You negate self...which generates fear, pain and a whole lot of anger. Self doesn't deserve that. Self fights back...from the inside.

"I know that he is sending me the FU-I will not answer you."

This is how you DJ self again and again...I am not saying your perception of your WH's choices are wrong...his actions are facts...he takes your calls and then refuses your call...it is YOU DJing self with the assumption of the FU...you have no idea why he isn't taking your calls. Truly. He can state, "I am not taking your calls because you made me angry" and that is still HIS truth not yours, not THE truth.

You cannot MAKE him angry, Jean. You do not have superhuman powers...he feels what he feels...you're not doing it. Break that enmeshment...this is crucial...you won't stop DJing yourself and others until you really get you are separate and equal from birth...you have full control over your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, talents, wants, needs and desires...YOU do...and only you. You cannot cause, cure or control any other human being on the planet...that is our human limit...if they choose to believe you are doing harmful stuff TO them, that is them. Know your intent...do not assume his. To disrespect him is to suspect yourself.

Really important stuff right here, pinpointed:

"If he flat out says "I don't care how you feel", I don't see the point in the "I feel" messages, it completely turns his brain off."

You are choosing to not express yourself, be honest and open, because of HIS choice. You are basing your choice of actions and words on HIS feelings. He is CONTROLLING you...with your blessing. You are allowing, encouraging and handing him what is only yours...and you are choosing to do this.

Choose differently.

Choose your words and actions from your own code...your standards and boundaries. You're worth it. You can do this.

Because you don't see the point of "I feel" statements...you are response based in your motivation. If you don't see possible good results, you don't do it. Self-betrayal. You do it because you believe in honesty and sharing who you are with others. Period. You do it because you own what is yours...and you are committed to practicing not owning what isn't yours...

Respect others, Jean. His brain closes off? He chooses to turn his brain off. His choice. His domain. Not your doing nor within your control.

Life isn't about what works and what doesn't...that mindset eliminates what you really are--a human being, not a human doing. Life is. Until you respect you have no control, only influence, and only influence when allowed...you will continue to react to his shut out...because he is showing you his limits, choices...in silent withdrawal, we express a lot. And it isn't the message we necessarily think we're sending.

In all my DJ highlights, I am not arguing facts with you...perceptions, perspective and intent...all yours. Your choices. I am asking you to know your power...this huge power you are attempting to shove into your WH and he's closing you out...please hold your power, know your choices and own your own life...because then you can put down his, lay it down gently, with great relief, and live in freedom, responsibility, respect and love.

You can. I believe in you.

LA

I think the bottom line is that I am constantly trying to accomdate and reason with a WH. Logic ,emotions, lawyers, no tactic works because he is a lunatic right now.

So enough about him, I talked to a human banker today. Gave him my finanical snapshot and he said the refi in my name is completely do-able. I even contacted the credit reporting agency to clear up two little issues, so that might bump me up a few more points.

Then, I planted a few petunias, did some pond research, did some more deWHing of the den, didn't get to play with my barrel though because it started raining.

Pretty decent day.

"I think the bottom line is that I am constantly trying to accomdate and reason with a WH. Logic ,emotions, lawyers, no tactic works because he is a lunatic right now."

You're chosing to accommodate and reason with an alien.

Human bankers are cool when they tell you stuff like that. And you're not on hold for a day.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Any barrel riding since your post? You're not gonna make it into a windchime are ya?

In your corner and kicking your tired tushie every step of the way...with love, of course,

LA

Wondering about you...and what you're going to do with the barrel.

LA

Hey LA,

Nothing much going on here. OD'd Birthday was this week, so I had a big shin-dig for that.

Interesting realization though:

One night, this week, I was PMSy and tired and weepy. A buddy wanted me to go with him to hang out at my sister and BILs (Buddy is friend of WH and BIL from teenage years). I chose to tell Buddy that I was weepy and needy and if I went with him, I would need him to stay with me and not run off and play with BIL. We decided that I would stay home and be anti-social and he would just call and check on me later.

Anyway, that night, I cried alot, which was good. I realized that I could have never had that conversation with my H. I could have never told H that I was just needy and needed him to stay close to me. I have a few friends that I can call and just let them know I am lonely and need interaction. I could not do that with H, ever.

That made me sad. Either I screwed up by denying myself and my relationship with H, the fullness it deserved. Or that H was such a putz that I never felt safe enough to be honest with him.

But then I think that I was so much more Jean-ish this past year. I did feel pretty open and safe in a lot of ways. But not all... I still had a circle of friends that I could share the weird Jean stuff with. So I gave H more of myself and we only made it a year. When I withheld most of myself, we lasted 10 years.

That should pretty well sum it all up, as far as H and I go.

But the party was a smashing success. I saw myself being more like the person I was 5 years ago, before 9/11, before my A and the separation and his A and this separation. I made a 3 foot long, duck billed platypus cake, per OD's request. I have a 4-5 foot diameter tree from floor to ceiling in my living room with branches across the ceiling full of OD's rainforest animals.

The barrel sits empty outside. An empty vessel has infinate value. Once you fill it, its value is based on its contents. An empty vessel's value is limitless due to its potential.

Well, now you gotta change your sigline to 2DD's - 6 and 9...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm awed by your creativity and productivity...like a mom from dreamland...in many ways, not just party-thrower mom.

I asked you awhile back about your PMS...it has snuck into our posts...uhm, regularly...and I think it is important.

What if you don't fill the barrel...could have been the base of your tree...surrounded and supportive...used for a time and then for another project, another task, and inbetween, limitless and accessible?

You were Jean-ish when you negotiated what you wanted with your buddy and going to BIL's...and you were okay with not going...sounds like two honest people, communicating.

You aren't powerful enough to drive anyone away, Jean...being you or not being you...people choose their lives...your inner group was privileged to have the real you...and that relationship has lasted your whole life with your sister...and many others. No blame...just choice. Sounds like you're back into full stride as Jean now...can you stay that way?

LA

Sig line changed, heck 3 of the 4 of us has had birthdays since I started here!

Barrel was a tad too thick to be base, believe me, I considered it. I used an out door trash can (inverted) with a bar stool and a cat scratching post stacked on top, all covered with crinkled and wrinkled brown contractors paper.

Barrel will be a rain barrel, neighbor gave his blessing tonight. I am trying to be very respectful of neighbor. He has looked at the crap in this yard for far too long. I was painting little shutters for my little window on the tool shed today. Neighbor came over and we had a long chat. He gave me a lot of advice about the house and stuff. We also did a little bartering. He traded me a chainsaw he doesn't use for a tool and die set that was WHs. So now, I can clean up more of the back fence line.

Yes, my PMS can very often be problematic. I literally check the calendar on days that I am especially wacky to see if it is just PMS. I also have a policy of never making major decisions when I am PMSing. I don't get mean and gripey, I just get overly analytic (and I am pretty analytic on a normal day!).

My new medication seems to be working well, I am on day 10. I am still a tad on the manic side which keeps me very productive, but the productivity extends until too late at night. I am a little sleep deprived, which could get to be troublesome.

I read your Long Haul thread and know about your brilliant bartering and clean up...I see it as marking your territory...launching your freedom to create and choose...

I do mean brilliant...all of it. The colors, the quest to do it as inexpensively as possible as part of the triumph...

I see you doing a lot of self-care in your projects...like you did with the pond, only drier.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

About the PMS...I was a slave to my PMS for 27 years...and I'm delighted to say, no more. This isn't an excuse for my abuse...depression...I acknowledge I resented God for making me a woman with cramps...

Yep...it's why I have a hard time seeing God as a woman...she just wouldn't have done that to me!

Maybe I wouldn't have been as affected if I chose to live from my beliefs back then instead of my feelings...because my feelings would skyrocket and plummet all over the place...

I had a hysterectomy six years ago...and living became joy...no more calendar days to mark my monthly demise...no more fear of myself, of physical pain, like self-stabbing, to wrestle...which was good, because by then, I was on a 15 day cycle...which was murda, I tell ya.

For your long future reference, I want to give you a gift my MIL finally gave me...Hysterectomies are elective surgeries...that's right...don't need a doctor to say you need it...you can ask for it. And you can keep your ovaries...no extra charge.

And I relate this to you...blushing all the while...because I was similarly manic depressive...and I'm not anymore. Took more than biology...had to change my desire to long for moderation...that golden 90 degrees instead of living in 180's, as well as help myself out physically...

Life is great on this side of a harmful belief, Jean.

I didn't just see obsessive analysis in your PMS time posts...I saw increased sensitivity and fear, also. Which might drive the old analysis machine harder.

What do you think?

LA