Tama, thanks for the kudos! Thanks for the caution to be easy on myself. I'm not judging myself, just observing.

You're right, that was more than a drive-by. I brought it up in MC the next morning. I said, this is my problem, my concern, can you help me with it? H brought up that we have a neighbor who he feels that way about, that he feels bad when he talks to him, because he implies that H can't do anything right. He empathized with why I would feel that way, and said he would try to watch it. This was really big!

I have been doing a lot of listen and repeat (except the other night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />), and it's really been transforming my perspective. H pokes at me because he doesn't feel heard, he's trying to be understood. Once I validate and empathize that my actions were hard on him because of whatever his reason was, he has stopped picking lately. Did I hit the answer?

BTE, you're right, I need to make sure I'm prepared for whatever answer before I ask a question.

"Does H tend to say these hurtful things when he's drinking, or is this something he does all the time?"
Happy, he does this often, but moreso when he's drinking. That is a good point, that what we negotiate when sober may go out the window later when he's been drinking. I have shared with him that I have a problem with his drinking and that I see a difference in his sleep pattern. I even pointed it out for a few days, and he denied it, so I checked my intent. At that point, I'd already shared my experience, and I was trying to persuade him. So I made my amends to him, and explained that I trust that he is capable of deciding how much sleep he wants to get.

Thanks, guys, for the kind words! Work is going really well. It is so much simpler than the work that I was trying to understand and failing at with my previous job. They love my work, and I love exceeeding their expecations. Truly a win-win situation. The only small downside is the commute. I asked for a 7am to 4pm shift to avoid the worst of the traffic, and still, it's 75 minutes each way. I've been making good use of my time, listening to audiobooks, like HNHN, Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want, and now Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It's amazing how much of the material covers similar principles from different angles, but the principals that you learn are so similar.

Wednesday night, I celebrated my one-year anniversary in Alanon! I went to a "birthday" meeting, H came with me, and those of us with anniversaries shared where we were, and where we are now. I have learned so much this last year, and H and the kids have all noticed a huge difference. Specifically with my anger, yelling, judgment, and control issues. LA, you know I owe a lot of that to the generous way that you shared your perspective and your gentle presence with me, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

EO,

How do you feel about validating and empathizing? Not his response...not hitting on an answer...acting from respect...sounds great to me!!

You owe me nothing...yourself, everything. You opened, thought, fought, pondered, wondered, rebelled and surrendered...lots of hard work, effort in there. Treasure how much you opened your mind, heart; how much you let go, stopped trying to control. You rescued yourself...and you allowed others in to experience it with you. Gigantic kudos, EO...

One year anniversary...you went out and found your support...here and there...you did that for yourself and your marriage. Wow.

And if you mean "generous way" by wordy...well, you got me there. I'm humbled by your effort to READ all my words.

LOL

All that you see in me is in you, EO...all the way.

Privilege to be along this journey with you. I am as blessed as you are...I promise.

LA

"How do you feel about validating and empathizing?"
I feel like my validation, my empathy, matters. It brings home all that I am learning. The same way, I can find validation and empathy for my own feelings.

Thanks, LA, for the validation. It is both affirming and scary at the same time to step out in faith and try new solutions and try on new perspectives. I faced a lot of fears and beliefs that I had never questioned before.

By generous way, I meant on good days and bad days. I meant the patient way you'd explain something to me again. I meant the way you respected me enough to tell me what was not easy to hear. The way you swallowed your fear of rejection to do that. The gentle way that you lead by example, showing me that I could grow not only out of fear of pain, but also by being gentle to myself.

EO



WOW! He's really listening and paying attention. That's wonderful, EO. All your hard work and effort is really starting to pay off. CONGRATS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to deal with the change in him that his drinking causes. But from your latest posts, it sounds like he's at least recognizing that his drinking does have an impact, and its not just you being a "party pooper". Or am I misinterpreting that?



I'm dealing with trying to stop this kind "coddling". Its hard to stop, something that comes naturally, isn't it? Its great that you recognized it for what it was. Another KUDOS



So glad the new job is working out so well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



On the positive side, you've got uninterrupted time to listen to the audio books. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugs!
Tama

Tama, it really is amazing to me, how open H is in counselin. It's like it really puts him in an open mind. We do well communication other times more often now, too. I've learned that he does best when there are no expectations on him. When the positive things he does are seen as a gift done freely, not an obligation to be met. We're pretty well matched that way, because I'm very much like that, too.

"But from your latest posts, it sounds like he's at least recognizing that his drinking does have an impact, and its not just you being a 'party pooper'."
I don't see that he sees the impact of his drinking on the rest of us very often. Maybe I'm too close to it. In good moments, that he acknowledges that it's more than me just being afraid of my own shadow. He's spent a lifetime with loved ones who play up their every emotion and insecurity to prove what attention they've "earned", so I don't see today how my pain about his drinking is going to register with him. Which is why I am grateful that I don't have own his thoughts anymore, they are his to own.

"I'm dealing with trying to stop this kind "coddling". Its hard to stop, something that comes naturally, isn't it?"
Tama, I can see how in your life, it plays out as coddling. In my life, it was fear and distrust and false assumptions. I'd keep going back to my two main fears. One, I'm unlovable, and this man will never be able to find a way to love me. Two, that I'm incapable of creating a safe environment for my kids.

So for me, giving up coddling wasn't like watching your little ones grow more independent, where there is still some enjoyment and comfort in the coddling. It was frustration and anger at myself for not knowing what I didn't know sooner. That only I can overcome these fears, to put these thoughts in their true perspective. But that's okay, I'm learning that I can't know something until I know it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

EO



I bet its a relief that even that much has improved. I believe it shows there's hope that things will keep getting better.

I think most of us don't like to feel obligated. I know I don't, either. It makes me feel like my efforts are duty bound, and therefore not appreciated.




I may have misinterpreted. You're the one living with it, so you'd know. I'm just glad you've got support, thru alanon and here, to deal with it. I don't have experience dealing with an alcoholic spouse, so I wouldn't attempt to give you advice in that area. All I can offer you is a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. But thankfully, there are others here that do have experience and can offer their insights.




You're right our situations are totally different. I was only looking at the surface. Bad comparison, sorry.

Fear is a hard emotion to overcome. But you're doing it! Your kids are blessed to have a mother who loves them enough to try to conquer her fears and work so hard to give them a loving and safe environment. No matter what, I believe your loving example will give them what they need to grow up whole and strong.

HUGS
Tama

Hi EO!

Just wanted to add a big DITTO to what LA and Tama are saying! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Congrats on your one-year birthday party with Al-Anon! Congrats on your fabulous wonderful new job! Congrats on you being YOU!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Huge hugs,
Happy

Tama, I apologize that I distanced myself from your statement about coddling. I didn't trust that you wouldn't feel judged. But you're right, we have a lot in common there. Did you figure out your intent? Was it similar to mine, fear that the kids wouldn't be okay, or fear that I wouldn't be loved if I didn't "steer" things enough? Or something else?

We're getting plenty of good opportunity with POJA. We're painting the house, and need to replace the kitchen appliances and pull the carpets now that we can afford to do so. I'm really getting a handle on the priority thing, LA, thanks for the encouragement! I miss being on here more often, but I'm doing well balancing time with H, the kids, work, DS, and exercise. I really notice that I don't have the energy I once did, I'm thinking taking off the extra pounds will really help.

Also, my thoughts are really reflecting the deep respect I have for H more now. I am not catching nearly as many Djs, now, my mind isn't even working that way as much. I wasn't really sure that was going to get easier, and I am so relieved that it is. It's really an amazing thing going to work with that mindset, too, seeing how people have reasons that are rational to them for all the things they do that make no sense to me.

And BIG HUGS for Happy!

I found something out the day before yesterday - I've grown a hopper, it was there when I needed it! Unfortunately, I thought great, I can just listen and repeat, and process it all later, when I'm not so worn out. My procrastination.

H has been horribly sick all week, with a fever and incessant coughing, even at night, but is unwilling to take off of work. That was combine with the kids having an unprecedented amount of homework projects to do this week (even my kindergartener!) I couldn't keep up with H's expectations. I let that hopper fill as I listeened and repeated, until it toppled over and my AO fell out. NExt time, I'll use the hopper and stronger boundary enforcement.

Progress, not perfection, right?

I'm having trouble with the rule of protection, not to be the cause of my spouse's pain. H is really upset that I spend too much at Christmas every year. This year, he decided on two big-ticket gifts, one for each kid. I prefer lots of little wrapped gifts for them to open - Walmart/Dollar store type stuff, and a little clothes. I am trying to POJA, but I'm not feeling successful. I asked H for a dollar limit for the rest, so he could stop going on about how he doesn't want me to buy too much, and he says $50 for both kids on top of the big-ticket gifts.

I am mad at myself for not being happy with the dollar limit he set. I have spent less than that some years, and it was great, anyhow. I feel better seeing this in black and white. I do have a lot to be grateful for, being able to discuss options for holiday gifts. I have kids that would be happy with much less.

Hey EO,

Maybe this isn't the right question. I'm not trying to rile things up, I think I'm looking for clarification. Did he just decide on his own about the two big price items? No talking first with you? Or did you approve of this? I only ask this because it seems (I may be reacting from my own situation, I apologize if I am, and just ignore me if it doesn't apply to you) that he often makes unilateral big decisions and then you are left to POJA the rest or the details of it.

Yes, I'm embarassed to tell you what the big things are, but I'm hoping that by now you all won't judge me. D10 is getting an 80GB video iPod, and D5 a power wheels ride-on truck. I told him no about the iPod last year, and he bought the shuffle (no screen, just audio) anyhow, and D10 said she'd asked Santa for the one with the screen. I told him I'm not okay with it, but didn't really offer up any alternatives. He bought it online while I was in the shower, and had it personalized so I couldn't cancel it. I'm not trying to excuse myself, but do you see how I became a person with control issues?

I didn't want to get such big-ticket stuff because it's embarassing to me. I think it sets the kids up to be dissatisfied when they grow up and cannot afford such things for many years. I see my teenage brothers overdraw their accounts because they see things like cell phones as necessites, not luxuries. I feel like everyone else, too, will see how I spoil my kids and set them up to fail. So I feel very irresponsible getting them this stuff.

And I also feel that its unfair that now I have to tone down what I was going to get the girls, clothes and toys, because H feels like we've spent enough already. And he already got D5 excited about the power wheels toy.

I talked to H after I posted, and I told him that I understand that decisions have already been made this year, I want to get things in place for next year, an agreement we both like. He was uninterested.

Can I be happy, anyway? Sure I can, I am. But I feel like I'm still sowing the seeds of resentment instead of love. I'm not resentful today, but I am planting the seeds for more of this in the future.

I am thinking, how do I turn this into a win-win situation instead of a lose-win? I heard that the Harleys said on thier radio show that they didn't celebrate birthdays for a year or more because they didn't agree on how to do that. One liked big gatherings, the other small. I guess to live by my code, I would be willing to do that, too, to say, H, I'm NOT agreeing to this. I'm not sure what that would look like. Would I refuse to buy anything? Am I willing to do that?

I thought, what about lose-lose, telling H, I'm sorry, I told you I need to get the kids clothes, and that I want to get them some toys, too. That sounds like it would sow seeds of resentment and distrust, too.

I talked to someone I know who is becoming a life coach, and I signed up to speak with her. I asked H about it, and to my surprise, he was okay. I made the appointment, and we met by phone, and he stayed close by, even though I thought he wouldn't be interested. All of a sudden, he said he wasn't okay with it, and asked me to end the call. I apologized to my friend, and ended the call, but again, unsure about whether I am doing the right thing. I had made a commitment to my friend, too. My priority is my H, of course, but don't I still have a responsibility to honor my commitments?

Sorry that I got into ALL that. I guess I could have examined my motives alone, too.

I feel like I lost my point in all of that. I know how to seek to understand. I know how to suggest alternatives. I know how to not be upset.

I guess what is getting to me is my fear that I am sowing seeds of future unhappiness. That my unwillingness to enforce stricter boundaries is going to leave me less compatible with my H. I think I have gotten across to him that I commit to stop harming him. That I an capable of backing that commitment with consistent action. Won't that on some level leave him with disatisfaction with his own behavior? That dissatisfaction possibly could result in him choosing to change his behavior. But from past history, it could just as well cause him self-loathing.

Nia, Mys, MOS, and others had a great thread a week or two ago, that if you don't like something someone does, you can choose to accept it, or leave, or remain unhappy. Accepting lose-win agreements is not a good long term option, because it will cause me resentment down the road. I don't know that leaving is a good option, because if the person changes, how do you know that they're not just acting a certain way because they need your presence? And with kids, isn't that a lot of upheaval for what may be a small thing to them otherwise? And of course, staying and complaining is the lousiest option of all.

EO

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to your questions. Rough week, and I'm still getting over being sick.



I really appreciate you being honest about that. But I don't fear, and have never felt, judgement from you. So please, feel free to speak your mind as bluntly and honestly as you'd like with me.



Actually, what you said about how that fear has affected the way you try to control things, started me asking alot of questions ABOUT my intent. And I've realized that on the deepest level, almost everything I do is underscored by fear.

I am afraid my kids won't feel loved enough, secure enough, protected enough, listened to enough, talked to enough, hugged enough, guided enough, and the list goes on forever.
But its more than that. I'm also afraid that the people who's respect and opinions matter to me, won't think I'm a good enough mother. I'm afraid that all the statistics I've heard all my life are true, and that I, a lowly, imperfect human being, can't break the abuse cycle I was raised in and taught was normal, and be a different, much better mother than the one that raised me. I'm afraid that even if I can defy the logics of those numerous statistics, that someone else - the girls BF, my H, grandparents or any other important family members - will cause irreparable harm I can't love away or fix.

I never realized how ruled I am by fear. I try to control everything that I possibly can, because I'm so terrified of all the things that are so completely beyond my control. I coddle, because I know what its like to have no control and I don't want to take it from my kids. I want them to make as many decisions as they are age-appropriately, maturily and responsibly ready to make, but at the same time, I'm afraid to let go completely. But I'm still being controlling.

I feel I have a long road ahead of me, learning to recognize all my fears and learning to deal with them. But at least I'm finally getting down to the bare bones, nitty gritty. I'll just take one step at a time, and deal with these things as I discover them.

I'm so glad I have your example. You're showing me that fear doesn't have to be the be all and end all. I figure if you can learn to work through yours, I can learn to work through mine, too.

Thanks so much for sharing yourself with me, with all of us!

(((EO)))
Tama

Tama, wow, thanks for sharing all that! I'm so glad that you don't feel judged here, I don't either, and I am so reassured coming to a place where there is no judgement, just a challenge to live more authentically.

I'm pretty okay with how things turned out with Christmas. I thought about the advice I got last time, that maybe it's too soon to expect POJA, when there are still so many wounds that haven't healed yet. "Seek to understand," I think, will help me with this. Form a practical standpoint, we've meant to get a budget in place for years now, and never had, so I think this may serve as the kick in the butt I need.

Tama, I totally understand how difficult it is to deal with your feelings about your daughters. Sooly talked about this recently, too. I still haven't been able to totally understand what I want to do with it, either. On one hand, my Alanon program teaches me that my kids have a Higher Power that protects them, and to empower them to use their words to defend themselves and ask for the help they need if their words aren't enough. On the other hand, I went through experiences in childhood that I needed intervention with, intervention that I didn't trust that I was able to ask for.

I typed out my story, and delted it, because my story is the same as many others. I was molested, and threatened by the person into not reporting it for 3 years. And when I did finally have the courage to report, I was taken by child protective services. After being interviewed and going through medical exams, I was told that what I described wasn't serious enough to warrant finding another home for me. So I was left to go back home, where my mom didn't believe my story. Thankfully, the person left me alone after that.

And now, I'm told, just empower your kids to feel open to talk. When I don't know if there is anything I can say to my children that would make them feel safe enough to ask for help if they were, God forbid, ever in that situation. So I guard their environment as much as I can.

EO



You mean you won't cringe when you see a post from me, from now on? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



I don't feel judged here, and that's getting easier to get used to. When I first came here, I had a hard time explaining things, cause I kept so much closely guarded. So many of those first posts were convoluded and confusing and my threads would end up all over the map and back. I finally realized I wasn't doing myself any good by holding so much back, cause the advice given was based on only parts of the whole story. Once I started to open up some, I found it was safe to do so, and kept opening up a little more each time.



I'm glad you're feeling better about the Christmas sitch. R and I keep talking about setting up a budget, and we've done so several times. We've just never truly forced ourselves to stick to it.

R and I are opposite from you and your H, on the how much to spend on the kids at Christmas deal, well sort of. We both LOVE to spoil them at Christmas, he just likes to spoil them ALOT more than I do. But that's one issue we've always managed to negotiate and stick to effectively.



(((EO))) I can only imagine how horrible that was for you to go through, as a child. You did finally ask for help, and were told your trauma wasn't "bad" enough to worry about. That kind of ignorant thinking really ticks me off. I'm just so glad the person left you alone, from then on. Thank you for sharing this.




It is scary. I do try to empower my kids. Because of my own experience with SA as a child, and how weak and powerless I felt, I want to arm my kids with as many "weapons" as I can so they never feel that way. Unlike you, I wasn't courageous enough to even ask for help.

The main way I've tried to empowered my kids (in case you're interested)is that I started making "plans of defense" with them, since they were old enough to start spending time away from me.

1. Always stay in groups of AT LEAST 3
2. If a group of 3 isn't possible, always stay in visual proximity of a KNOWN adult.
3. If you can't see the adult, odds are, they can't see you.
4. A KNOWN adult is someone that is known and approved of by myself, your father, or step-father.
5. NO ONE other than the 3 mentioned above is allowed to add an adult to KNOWN status.
6. ALWAYS trust your gut. Its better to be wrong and be safe, than to be wrong and be in trouble.
7. If someone attempts to talk you into going with them, yell or scream and run.
8. If someone tries to grab you, become the biggest brat you can. Scream, kick, hit, bite, scratch, grab anything within reach and throw them, make such a fuss no one would want you.
9. Never go anywhere alone with anyone not KNOWN and without prior approval by myself or your step-father.
10. There's never a good reason for any adult to want to get you completely alone.
11. If an adult wants you to keep a secret from me, that means its something I DO need to know.
12. If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable by how they're talking to you or behaving or tries to touch in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, do WHATEVER you have to to get away from them (bad behavior is an EXCELLENT way to do this) and go IMMEDIATELY to tell an adult you trust, and then call me.

These are a few others, but I've never tried to write them all out before. I just mainly stategize with the girls, before we together, or they alone, enter a new situation.

Now granted I've talked to the girls about these in slow degrees over the years, adding the harder to understand ones as they've gotten older. And keeping the language I use age appropriate for their level of understanding. (like when they were babies, I didn't explain anything, but NEVER forced them to hug anyone they didn't want to, so they learned early on it was okay to say "no" when it came to giving or recieving affection they didn't want) Also, I've stressed all along the way that these rules are so they won't have a REASON to be afraid.

The results are proving to be very positive. They've started thinking in terms of "better to be safe than sorry", which is a motto I say alot, on their own. They're quick to get to know as many adults that work at their schools from the day they start, and they each have several they trust. They're not afraid to go to one of these adults anytime they've had a problem with another student or teacher or bus driver for that matter. They also are very open with me about anything good or bad that happens to them.

They're even surprising me in how they demand to be treated by boys. DD14 actually slapped a boy last year cause he tried to kiss her, and she said she wasn't ready for that stuff yet! And DD12 informed her last boyfriend, if he got any ideas about holding her hand or trying to kiss her, he'd better forget it.

As much as I worry about my girls and fear for them, when they tell me things like I mentioned above I do believe they're going to be just fine. And that maybe I'm doing okay at this mom thing, afterall.

Tama

Tama, thanks so much for sharing that. A friend lent me a video called the Safety Spot that goes over a lot of what you went over above, and they really do get the ideas.

"If an adult wants you to keep a secret from me, that means its something I DO need to know."
Reading the article about the Policy of Radical Honesty really helped me to understand this in a much better way. None of us have all the facts, the whole picture, so being totally transparent helps us to work together to help one another. I reinforce this a lot, in small ways, so we can get in the habit of talking out our small concerns, so when big ones come, we'll have the patterns already in place. For example, when the kids spill something on the carpet that they can't get out, they call me, and I reassure them not to feel ashamed. I tell them we're engineers with problems to solve. We do our best to get the stain out, and then talk about what we'd do differently next time.

Also, I've had a lot of "teachable moments." For example, a few years ago, a friend gave D10 a treat really close to dinner, and then told her not to tell me. D10 told me when she got home, so I told my friend in front of D10 that it's very important to me that adults don't share secrets with my kids. That I understand that she meant well and that D10 had fun, but I ask her to respect my wishes on this.

Thanks, Tama, you know, I have thought about this a lot from time to time, but I really feel more secure about this, talking to you now. I'm not just relying on some hopes with no action behind it. I show my kids every day with my actions that I am willing to address things that are difficult for me, and that their safety is a priority. And like you said, looking at their behavior is the best gague. They do come to me with their problems instead of trying to hide them.

EO



You're welcome. I got most of my "stragey" ideas from a talk show I saw once when my kids were about 4, 2, and 1. It was about teaching parents how to empower their kids to not be victims. It mostly dealt with kidnapping issues. How most kidnappers went for quiet mannered, well behaved children who were taught to respect ALL adults. They had a experts with statistic info and to offer strategies. They even did a "film skit" scenario. In both, a father and his daughter were at a store at night. For whatever reason, the father told his daughter to wait by the front door, while he got the car. Maybe it was raining or something, I don't remember. Anyway, in the first one, even though she was standing in a well lit, busy area, a strange man approached her and started talking to her. She avoided looking at him and never said anything to him. Next thing you knew, he grabbed her, put his hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming and was off. In the second one, as soon as he started getting close to her, she started yelling loudly "STOP, DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!". He tried to charm her into keeping her voice down as he moved closer. She yelled even louder "I SAID STOP!! STAY AWAY FROM ME, I DON'T KNOW YOU!!" People coming and going from the store started slowing down and paying attention to what was going on. The man looked around nervously, and then turned and walked away. The experts said that parents who teach their children not to talk to strangers are actually sending the wrong message. Children should be taught not to be friendly to strangers, not to encourage their attention, but to DISCOURAGE it, loudly and profusely. People who target children, do so because they are "easy" targets, they don't expect them to fight back like an adult will. They want to slip in and out, as quickly and quietly as possible, before anyone knows anything is wrong. So if we teach our children that being young or small, doesn't mean they can't fight, they can and SHOULD.

Anyway, that show always stuck with me. So I started from that moment on, with my 4yr old, and 2yr old, since they were old enough to wander away from me, like many children who've been abducted do.

One thing I forgot to mention that I do now that they're older is ask them to think of strategies, in a new situation. I want them to know they are smart enough to think for themselves, because they could find themselves in an unexpected situation someday, when I'm not around, and I want them to trust themselves to think on their feet.



You're already empowering your kids, and didn't even know it! I think it really helps to keep the lines of communication open when a child knows its ALWAYS safe to talk to us. I tell my girls that they might get in trouble for a wrong deed, but I'm always proud of them when they own up to it. And even if they do get in trouble, its a calm deal. I hug them and thank them for their honesty, let them know if there is a consequence for the deed, listen if they voice any opinions or objections, respond to each honestly, restate the consequence (I try to make sure the consequence is directly related to the deed) then hug them, say I love them and am so proud of them for taking responsibility for their actions. I also stress to them, if they lie or try to cover up a wrong deed, that they get in WORSE trouble than when they own up to it, cause now they've done two wrongs, they have two consequences, one for the deed and one for the lie. And I still try to stay calm, though sometimes I admit I react first, before I think. But I am much less understanding when they've lied or covered up, than when they're open with me.



I'm glad talking about it with me has been helpful. Talking with other parents, whose kids are older than mine, has been great help to me. Especially since I can't rely on what I learned from my parents, to guide me.

Talking to you about all this has been helpful to me, too. Its helped me to see things with my girls more clearly, and realize that alot of my fears have no basis in realty.

Tama

Tama, you've said a lot of awesome stuff, I'm sorry for not responding. I was reeling from shock that H grabbed D10 and slung her at the dinner table, which she hit. I was in the next room, and saw it out of the corner of my eye.

D10 said, Dad, don't do that to me! and he stopped. I thought, great, she's learning boumdary enforcement. But I felt like there was something that I should do, and I wasn't sure what that was. I felt very strongly that my lack of action was condoning it, which was not okay with me. He had stopped, and as I understood it, boundary enforcement is to get out of situations where it's not stopping.

I had to go to the store, and D10 didn't want to stay with her dad, so she came with me. She told me more specifically what had happened, that he hadn't just grabbed her, that he banged her into the table, and now she was sore. I apologized for allowing that, and tld her that I know I need to take some action, but I don't know what that is. I apologized also for the times I had grabbed her in anger in the past, and that I am responsible to provide her with an environment where that doesn't happen. She asked me if I dicorced her Dad, would I remarry. I don't know where that came from, I've never discussed divorcing her Dad with her. I answered that I love her father deeply, and that I think I would rather be alone and wait for him than to marry another man. I asked her why, and she wouldn't say.

To make a long unresolved story longer, H called me on the cell as I was at the stroe. His Mom was dying. She wasn't expected to make it through the night. She had lost all brain activity. She had went into cardiac arrent numberous times, only her pacemaker is keeping her alive. I burst out in silent tears as he gave me the details. I asked him if he wanted to talk to D10. She didn't want to talk to him, but I handed her the phone anyway, and she listened as H told her what happened. D10 was very close to her Nana.

Amazingly, she lived through the night. She is a fighter, let me tell you! Hearing this, we planned to leave on the next flight out with seats available, this afternoon. But as we were getting ready, SiL called, she said don't come, it's too late, she was not expected to survive a few more hours, her feet are turning black. H was debating whether we should still go, he didn't know what to think. My brother dropped us at the airport, but at check-in, he decided just he and D10 will go, we would slow him down because D5 had numerous medications that exceed the limit of what you can carry on. Every minute is really important, I understand.

That was hours ago, no one has called. I left a message on H's cell. The only other number I have is Sil's house hone, I wish I had called ealier. If you've read this far, thanks for listening.