(moved this post from a different section, I deleted the old one)

Hello,
My first post.
Tonight, a few minutes before I had the courage to type this posting, my wife informed me that she had ended her emotional affair with a co-worker. She met him a few months ago at her work and they had been talking for a while. She said they have a "connection", something that links that two of them emotionally, whatever that may be. I had sensed that something was going in which made me confront her about the extra time she's been putting on the computer and email that she normally didn't do before. She leaves email unread for days and suddenly, they're all neatly deleted and purged.

She told me about the whole affair last Tuesday and we've been talking since. We've talked about separation, divorce and counseling. As I mentioned earlier, she ended whatever is going on with her and this coworker but the way she was talking today, it did not sound like she picked to be with me and our son. Instead, she said she "should've kept whatever they had going to herself" and not admitted it to me. She said she can see that this other guy "truly likes her and she can see it in his face".

I don't know what to do. Have I forever ruined her? She had a difficult childhood and I don't want to add to it. I love her very much and I would like us to be happy again and be together. I don't want the link between us to be just our son.

Sorry to say it ain't over, rman.

Read the links in my sig line below, order Surviving An Affair by Harley, and until the book arrives, get hot absorbing everything you can on this site about Plan A.

Immediately stop any angry outbursts or demands. Be a model citizen. Do not think for a moment that she has chosen anything other than herself.

rman,

I'm really glad you took my advice and came over to this board. It sometimes takes a while to get a thread going....be patient and keep posting and adding information....that will keep your post near the top where you'll get the most notice. Please try and answer all the questions posed to you....and by all means....read the excellent links some of the vets like WAT will send to you.

((((((((((((((((((rman))))))))))))))))))))

Well, read all about Plan A, which is showing her what a great husband you can be. Stop any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments.

Also you can read the emotional needs section to be sure you are meeting her top emotional needs.

And the most important thing - she needs to quit her job, and never see the other man again for any reason.

rman123-

Please take all the advice you get here, especially in this stage. I didn't know about this site and as a result wasn't as aggressive as I should have been. My FWW ended up progressing to a PA, and I could have stopped it all.

Expect her to lie, lie, lie about everything. Be ready to hear lots of stuff you don't want to hear: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," "I don't know if I ever really loved you," etc, etc.

Don't believe any of it, she's wandering around in an adolescent "love" haze- referred to as fog on these boards. What she has told you is most likely only the tip of the iceberg.

Be tough, don't ever lose your cool, and stay with the boards.

rman,

Everytime you post....it bumps your thread back up to the top and gives folks a chance to respond. Because this board moves so quickly....in no time....your concerns can fall off the page. Keep adding information and asking questions and get your thread off the ground.

How did the affair end? Have you read "Surviving an Affair" or read up about Plan A and B?

[She had a difficult childhood and I don't want to add to it. I love her very much and I would like us to be happy again and be together. I don't want the link between us to be just our son. [/quote]

Most of us had a difficult childhood. I bet I could top her stories, but why is that important? She doesn't get a pass because of a difficult childhood. She isn't "owed" an affair because of something that happened to her growing up.

Hey rman keep posting. About your son being the link- for a while that will be the strongest link. I would have left my wife if not for our 2 kids.

I have an update.
I am pretty computer savy and I have my ways of finding information. I did not want to do it before but I did tha bad deed and read her email. It's not over. She just said it is but this time it looks like it was going to be PA. One of the things I've read here is about kicking her out. Should I just let her go now and be with her "model of a man"? I'm not sure if I can take the punishment of seeing her everyday knowing all those things going on. Is it a good idea to let her go on and find her answer and just wait if she comes back. If she comes back then great, if not, I'll just feel sorry for a while and then maybe I'll heal and find something else to focus my love on.

My son is 8, and I'm guessing that he senses something going on but we haven't told him.

After reading her email, I'm more furious now, but don't worry I'm not the violent kind. That's one of the things she said she kind of killed her feelings for me, I don't argue or fight, I just shut down and quit talking. Too late for that now.

What do I do? Wait and be more hurt or just get it over with and hope she realizes her mistake after whatever they have dies down.

You confront her with the truth about what you know. And you expose her affair to everyone you think will help you. Did you read the links in WAT's post? Those are great guidelines for how what steps you need to take right now. Melody Lane also has some great links in her signature....so I want you to look for one of her posts and follow those as well.

Keep talking my friend....most of us have been where you are.

(((((((((((((((((((((rman)))))))))))))))))))))))

Is the OM married? If so....you need to find and call his wife. Affairs dissipate quickly when pressure comes from both ends.

What did you read? Not to do it, right?

You don't move out, either.

Make a plan for a confrontation. See the thread titled, Confronting Your Spouse 101 - or something like that. believer is the author.

You need to bust her in a loving way, but not leaving any wriggle room. WSs will slither out of the smallest crack.


Only if you're content getting divorced. This doesn't mean divorce will happen if you take a passive role, but why be passive unless you don't value your family?

We advocate for fighting for the preservation of families. Your son deserves nothing less than your 100% commitment.

WAT

rman-

We've all been through it! No more passive/aggressive for you!

EXPOSE! Do not hesitate. Tell everyone who cares about you, her, and your family. Do not be shy. Do not pull punches. You may hold some details for yourself to protect her (I did for my wife) but tell everyone you can.

Stay cool. Keep to the high ground. Stay with us here and you'll get constant advice and support. Some of us win, some lose, all of us care.

You have to fight now, do you understand? You have to make yourself a better man for yourself and your family.

It may well already be a PA. Prepare yourself for that- just assume that it is. It's going to be a long haul through He!! for you.

I exposed before I confronted, you do what you like, but do it now.

Why are you still reading this? Get moving!

Okay, you did NOT do a "bad deed." With adultery, it's necessary to conduct a military style intelligence operation to find out what is going on. That's what you have done. You probably need to do more. It would be a good thing to install a keylogger on that PC so you can keep on discovering things.

BTW, you need to transfer copies of those emails to a secure place. Print them, or forward to a computer your wife can never access. If you have the skill, see if you can set up your email client to automatically send a copy of every email generated or received to an account only you have access to.

Start a journal to record everything that happens. Make particular note of the times your wayward wife (WW) spends away from your home and your son, the times you can document she's with the other man (OM), etc.

"Kicking your wife out" is always an option and you are free to make that determination, Rman. Many infidelities end up with exactly that. However, you didn't come here to MB to kick your wife out. You came here to save your marriage and you can do it. It takes hard work, some sacrifice, and a huge reservoir of patience. If you want a marriage that is better than the one you had before, stay with us, Rman. The folks here at MB have gone through what you’re facing and have come out the other side with intact and stronger marriages. You can too. So let’s get to work.

Your wife gave you a watered-down admission of what was going on and your intelligence operation has already told you she lied. Get used to it. She will pile lies on top of lies. It’s what happens in adultery; it’s the only way such an obscene thing can be carried on. She will, as Grandma used to say, lie when the truth would serve her better.

Think of your wife right now as having been absorbed by an alien from a mother ship hovering over your hometown. Aliens have only rudimentary skills at thinking, period. No amount of explanation from you on how wrong she is about your past marriage will sink in. Don’t bother trying.

Instead, you need a strategy to recover your marriage and keep your family from dissolving. I put a sample strategy on Larry_Daniels’ thread a couple days ago and you might benefit from looking at it and adapting it to your circumstances. Larry’s thread can be found here:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Scroll down until you find my post. It’s long, but I think it can help you.

Rman, I would confront your wife again with your new knowledge and prevent the adultery from becoming a physical one if you can. The advantages to you and your family are obvious and I won’t belabor them.

Okay, enough for one post. Take a look at the sample strategy and start your own plan, Rman. And ask questions, Rman. Ask lots of questions. It’s why we’re out here, okay?

OM is married and having troubles too, the OMW knows what's going on already. I want to save the marriage but I'm hurt by all that I read. I did read WAT's links. Too much to take at the moment.

Thank you for all the encouragement. My comprehension right now is just a little slow so forgive me if sometimes I just don't get it.

So, I confront her tonight about all the emails and their plans. I don't kick her out, what if she wants to leave and move out? I know I don't control that, so I let her go anyway. Do I start advertising to her coworkers about their deed?

Rman, everything you read in your WW's emails is just the alien talking. It's drivel. You have to get past that and gut this out for a while. You have to “man up” while you have the opportunity, pardner. There’s a very narrow window for you to take swift, decisive action to smash this adultery. You’ve come to us for help. Don’t fail yourself and your son now. Stay with us, man. You WILL get through this.

I had informed her a day or two ago that if I wanted to, I could read her emails. How's this for a line when I tell her...

"You know how I told you that if I wanted to read your emails I can do it? I did today and it just confirmed to me that you lied."

(In the best possible husbandly voice.)

rman:

DO NOT reveal your sources! Tell her you know, but don't tell her how you know (even if she can figure it out).

If she presses you 2 reveal your sources, simply insist that you know and that is what's important. Then tell her that you want her 2 stop the A right now, and give her the chance 2 call the OM with you on the other line and tell him she will never see or speak 2 him for the rest of her life out of consideration for you and your son.

She'll probably not agree 2 do that, but you can certainly ask.

You can't keep her from leaving, but you can certainly tell her you'd rather she didn't leave.

-ol' 2long

The only way I'd know all those information is from the computer there's really no way for me to hide the source.

If I edit the title, will it screw it up for those who have these thread in their favorites?