Like 2long said, if you can keep your sources close to your vest, you do it. Just tell her you know she and OM plan to meet (wherever, whenever) and do (whatever). She has to be convinced you do know, but don't try to "prove" it to her. You're not Perry Mason and your marriage isn't a courtroom.

It's time to start thinking about a list of people you can expose this thing to. The list should contain everyone who you think can put pressure on the adulterous pair in some fashion. Her parents and siblings, your family, your priest or pastor, her boss and/or Human Resources Director where they work, the other man's wife and parents, your son (don't even try to keep it from him--it won't work), etc., etc.

What's your plan, Rman?

Okay, don't worry about her knowing you have access to her email. Just confront her as calmly and matter-of-factly as humanly possible. Keep your temper under control!

Can you get a keylogger on the system before she changes the admin password? Even if she changes email accounts, passwords, etc., the keylogger will still tell you what's going on.

By the way, you do NOT tell your wife you're going to do exposure. You just do it.

Keylogger installed. That was my source. I did not print emails though. Don't worry about temper, like I said previous posts I'm cool.

My plan, wait for her to come home tonight and tell her. I'll tell her to tell my son what's going on or I'll tell him for her. I'm a little unsure of the announcement part though. I know who to let know and all that but I'll have to find some backbone to do it and admit to people that my wife is having an A.

Oh and I forgot one little detail. We have counseling scheduled for Friday, the first session.

Print out the e-mails, or forward them to your e-mail account (then go into the "Sent" folder and delete the fowarded mails).

The moment she works out for herself the source of your information, those e-mails will disappear, never to return, and there goes your proof.

Do I really need proof? I don't want to go in the email stuff anymore.

Well, certainly do not tell her you put a keylogger on her computer.

Let her assume you just figured out her password. That way, if she changes it or opens up a hotmail account or something, you will still have access.

And you won't need 2 confront her again, other than in non-specific terms 2 tell her you know the A is still going on. But keep a running journal of what you find (like in a private email account, as MIM suggests).

-ol' 2long

Cool. Do something to make sure those emails don't disappear forever.

Make the exposure to your son age-appropriate. He doesn't need to know details; he couldn't process them, but he needs to understand Mom is doing something she shouldn't but the two of you are working on it. It's important because children see SO much more than what you think. They can, and do, blame themselves for strife in the home if it's not clearly explained to them.

Exposure isn't easy. Do NOT let embarrassment about her adultery restrain you. Her infidelity has nothing to do with you. You did nothing to cause the adultery, though you might not have done everything you could to prevent it. Believe that, Rman. Let it soak in deep. It's true. SHE made the choice to indulge herself in something incredibly selfish and cruel, not you.

Also, you do not fail to do exposure because you don't want to hurt her feelings, cause her embarrassment, etc. You CANNOT shield her from the consequences of her adultery. If you do, she will not give it up. She'll have no reason to.

Have you had a chance to look at the strategic plan on Larry_Daniels' thread that I gave you a link to above? I'm retired military and we refer to what you're doing right now as "shooting from the hip" or reacting to everything as it comes at you. That's okay, but it'll get old for you real fast and you'll make a mistake sooner or later. When you have a moment take a look at that thread and start personalizing a plan for yourself, okay?

Hang in there, pardner. You’ll get through this. We’re here to help you do that.

Can I just give a hint or something to make her think twice or make it a wakerupper. I dunno, I'm just ranting here, as much as she hurt me I can't do the same.

You may not need proof, but at some point you'll need verification.

As in: She claims the A is over (again, like she just did), and you want 2 make sure for yourself that it is.

-ol' 2long

No, you do NOT tell her about exposure. If you give her warning, it gives her time to get to your exposure targets and do a lot of damage control and spin things her way.

BTW, exposure can't be done in a vindictive manner or you will lose in the long run. Keep things on a high moral plane and you'll have your rewards somewhere down the line.

If you have to expose the A to anyone in the future, it will likely be your word against hers unless you present sufficient proof of the A. Think of exposure as a "first strike" weapon against the A - it is most effective when there is absolutely no warning and the "payload" is sufficient to create significant damage and minimize any chance of a response.

I did read your post their Longhorn. I will try and put a plan together and post here for your critique.

Question. Should I tell my son now before she gets home or do I make her tell him?

Tell your wife she needs to tell him and caution her she needs to be honest, but age-appropriate. Let her know if she doesn't, you will.

I'm just overflowing with questions right now. Thank you again.

That's what we're all out here for, Rman. You'll get a number of viewpoints developed from a variety of experiences. Questions are good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One more update.
I found more emails from yesterday. She did tell him that she picked our family, but the communication is still there and that she's planning the weekend getaway in June.

Do I carry forward with my plan, confront with knowledge of unsevered communication with OM and outting her to friends and relatives?

She picked you and your son but she wants to take a little time-out from the marriage for sex with another man in June? No, that's not acceptable.

Unless she commits during the confrontation to absolutely no contact (NC) with him forever, YES you go ahead with exposure. Until she commits, the affair is still going on.

Also, if the other man is married, his wife deserves to know EVEN IF your wife commits to NC tonight and actually follows through with it. The other man’s wife (OMW) has a right to address the problems in her marriage too.

Longhorn I'm confused,:

Yes I go ahead with exposure if she does not commit to a NC forever or...

Yes go ahead and out her anyway.

Also, do I tell her to tell my son anways even if she picked us, sort of.

How do you know what OMW knows?

Unless you heard this directly from her, don't believe it whatsoever.

Immediately after confronting your wife - and asuming she hunkers down into fortress mentality - your very next step should be to contact OMW with some solid evidence. If you're not ready to contact OMW or don't know how to contact her, delay confronting your wife until are ready to contact OMW.

Do not threaten to tell your son anything. He should not be a pawn. Leave him out of this for now, unless he askes questions. Then explain that Mom has a boyfriend and it hurts us very much, but I'm commited to get her to stop having the boyfriend so we can be together like always.

WAT

Frankly, if I was you, I'd tell my wife what I know about what she plans to do in June, then ask her if she prefers if her son finds out what she plans to do from her or from me. This is one case where advance warning of exposure may help to prevent the A from going any further.