I have struggled with acceptance, to accept that it's all a gift, that it is a false belief to expect that it is something that I can earn. In MB terms, to accept that someone can choose to close their account to deposits at any time, for example, if there are needs being met elsewhere. Today, I am accepting, and enjoying the gifts I have today. H can be impatient with me when I am in pain, but tonight, he invited me to lay on his shoulder. But I didn't enjoy it long, I was in pain and got up to take off the tape that was hurting me. But I am happy just having that invitation.

Happy, the TV situation resolved itself. I thoughtfully requested H to just lay down a few minutes with me, or not. We've been working on Selfish demands, and I think he understands now that I'm not going to judge him as bad or anything if he likes to sleep on the couch. He decided to try it again, and he's falling asleep upstairs. I wake up next to him, what a gift <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I still fear that my focus may be too external, that in enjoying today, it may hurt like heck when/if he goes back to the couch. That mitigating joy again. Not sure what to do about that.

I'm so glad to hear that the TV thing is worked out! How lovely that he is willing to come to bed with you, at least for now.

How not to mitigate your joy? That's a tough one... I would say to just try to relax and really enjoy him, and when you start to tense up and think about what happens if he goes back to the couch, take a deep breath, and tell yourself he's here NOW and you're going to enjoy him NOW. Maybe that will help? That's how I (sometimes) talk myself out of talking myself into icky feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((Ears)))

I went to bible study, and it was about Romans verse 6, about how, because of what God and Christ did for us, that sin no longer has power over us, and that we can give up ourselves to holiness and righteousness. One of the guys there talked about how he hears us talking about our sinfulness, but that in his opinion that is a waste of time, that instead he'd rather us see the good things that we do, and focus on thise things.

It really clicked with me, about how Happy, you've been focusing on daydreaming about good things, bringing them into being. And how I made myself sad thinking about what I see as my lack instead. And LA, you said you wonder if there is a payoff in there. I think it is still the same lack of trust in myself that I have struggled with for some time, now, lack of trust and faith and confidence that I will have the follow through to do what it takes to keep climbing that staircase. So I was thinking, how do I build that faith in myself, how do I build self-confidence. And it seemed just like that thoughtful request, that if you're willing, to just try and see how it goes. Letting go of the outcome. I think I can do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ack, I caught myself SDing and DJing yesterday. I had been very relieved that H had been willing to work on lovebusters with me, and had agreed to read the chapter on DJs in lovebusters. After two weeks, he still hadn't, so I thoughtfully asked two weeks ago when he would, and he said by this weekend, but this weekend, he still hadn't. A big clue that he's not enthusiastic about it, but he didn't say "I'm not enthusiastic." I asked him again yesterday when he was going to read it, because he was going to watch the Oscars at night and wouldn't read then, and I was exasperated by then, which came out in my tone. He said, "I'm not going to read it today." My heart fell, so I took a little time alone, and was okay after that. I kept thinking, it's not about me, and that just for today, I can be happy.

I reread the article about one spouse saving the marriage, and I can share the ideas with him even if he's not interested in reading the chapter.

HTBH...I'm only now heading to your updated thread...been away with DH this weekend...

EO,

"I think it is still the same lack of trust in myself that I have struggled with for some time, now, lack of trust and faith and confidence that I will have the follow through to do what it takes to keep climbing that staircase."

Good news! You're gonna climb that spiral staircase no matter what...every breath, moment and action goes up...can't go down...it's funny that way...look over your shoulder and see where the last stair disappeared.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For all of us.

You fear yourself...that's what I'm hearing...which really resonates with me because I did, too...tremendously. That self-talk in my head kept me up-to-date and reminded I was a screwup, didn't have any common sense, was dangerous to others blindly...still dangerous.

That's where judgment comes from, that judge in your head who won't shut up...until you listen, agree to disagree and let the judge's words go and yours remain. Choosing your thoughts...which is what you've been doing for a long time. You're there, EO! The part you missed was letting go the outcome...and choosing your results.

So what's not to trust? If you amend when you DJ, or SD, or IB...or do anything which you realize isn't in your standards...you amend. That's human. That's us. You're one of us (which pleases me MIGHTILY!).

Judgement kills relationships, including the one with have with ourselves...we don't build confidence through doing...we HAVE confidence from consciously BEING. We are made from trusting hands trustworthy, safe by the safest hands...as is.

We choose faith, we don't build it. We choose to walk through doors of unknow...and choose to KNOW we don't walk alone.

Can you clearly see and detect what is your self-image in you...from your true self?

I believe that's where you're getting overlapped.

"So I was thinking, how do I build that faith in myself, how do I build self-confidence. And it seemed just like that thoughtful request, that if you're willing, to just try and see how it goes. Letting go of the outcome. I think I can do that"

Awww...see? Already there while I'm back on the first turn.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Ack, I caught myself SDing and DJing yesterday. I had been very relieved that H had been willing to work on lovebusters with me, and had agreed to read the chapter on DJs in lovebusters. After two weeks, he still hadn't, so I thoughtfully asked two weeks ago when he would, and he said by this weekend, but this weekend, he still hadn't. A big clue that he's not enthusiastic about it, but he didn't say "I'm not enthusiastic." I asked him again yesterday when he was going to read it, because he was going to watch the Oscars at night and wouldn't read then, and I was exasperated by then, which came out in my tone. He said, "I'm not going to read it today." My heart fell, so I took a little time alone, and was okay after that. I kept thinking, it's not about me, and that just for today, I can be happy.

I reread the article about one spouse saving the marriage, and I can share the ideas with him even if he's not interested in reading the chapter."

My DH didn't read HNHN, Love Busters, SAA...not one word. Doesn't stop him from saying, "That's a DJ, isn't it?" or "Now, is that a DJ?" When he figured out I was as bad with the DJs as he was (or more...no measuring here) and that I really needed his ear to help ME...and he saw me not lash into myself when he heard or perceived one...rather me own my DJ, appreciate, and go inward to find out where it came from...THEN he stopped with his own.

Not me doing, EO. Truly. Sharing...not educating. Ask and you shall receive...not to get someone to DO something the way it worked for you...(doesn't that just negate everything I've said to you?)...rather, sharing begats sharing...loving begats love...resentment begats a bunch awful darn pain.

I remember this struggle, this dead-end...this P/A behavior crud which I danced my butt off to, also...until I stopped asking for anything...not one thing...not even pass the salt...and began sharing only.

Got safe, amended often, owned with delight and appreciation, and made my DH my best friend, best caretaker, NOT my enemy.

Eliminated those "if onlys" and "what ifs"...

I remember.

And I know you know this.

When you remind, you disrespect. He KNOWS. He does not forget...he agreed when he didn't really agree; he resists that which he fears (which is GREAT in the areas of poking at sharks, drag racing your cars on sidewalks, and spelunking without light. Less for you to fear.

He is not resisting YOU...please separate this in your head, once and for all...gold-plate your hopper...he resists that which he FEARS (it's the fear)...being controlled, engulfed, taken over, judged inadequate (feels like BEING inadequate)...lots of the same stuff YOU fear, EO.

Get to those inside yourself...you want to make yourself protected from the outside...begin with the inside...see where you may be not doing what you promised yourself to do...how you're not staying safe for yourself--lots of SDs, AOs and LBs going on in your head...your self-talk...and how by constantly feeling like you ARE blame in your whole life...you can't take one more bit of it.

Which is a great!!! When I got to where I knew I had to reach for it and stuff into myself...couldn't really throw it on others...then I decided not to take anymore...'cuz I was full...feels like shame...only blame's about control. Shame is about being.

This isn't me saying you're doing a thing wrong...this is me saying "EO, you're not getting the outcome you want, are you?"

And you got there...let it go...focus on you, your sharing...your O&H standard for yourself...where you point out DJs on tv, in movies, on marquees and in print...like driving by and seeing, "Uncle Same Wants You!" poster and sharing with H..."Well that's an "I" statement, sort of, huh?"

Because it's curious and fascinating to wear your new respect, from your soul outward...and see how much the world changed, took on a new tone, a surprising perspective...because YOU changed...see and report it...know your opinion is yours...valid...yours. Not you being wrong, doing wrong...you BEING different.

Dismantling self-image takes two, I believe...because it was created by us going through others eyes...others help by pointing, we have to take apart...with love, understanding and acceptance...to live from authentic self.

Which makes you teammates in your marriage...like we are here at MB...on your side...in your corner...you're not alone, crazy or wrong. I consider you a miracle in my life.

LA

Wow, LA, thanks so much for sharing with me. I do see that I can make amends and move on, don't need to sit in judgement. I hadn't thought of it in that way before. I know in general that if I feel like I'm lacking something, likely I'm not giving it to myself, and I didn't understand that trust starts in that way, too. Good to know!

I posted on AmI's thread, about how hard it is to enforce boundaries when I don't know whether I have all the information. If I asked my sponsor, she'd say, that when God wants me to know, he'll make it known. Just for today, I'll try being satisfied with that answer.

LA, I love how you describe pointing things out in an interesting way, sharing together. I do this, too, and I let go of the outcome, because I don't get a positive response, today. Feels good to me to hear myself share, anyhow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

EO...

"Wow, LA, thanks so much for sharing with me. I do see that I can make amends and move on, don't need to sit in judgement"

I hear that as a euphemism for..."WHAT A DARN LONG POST, WOMAN!"

ROFLMAO

I was scrolling down to read your response and that's what I said to myself.

Heehee.

You say it so kindly to my ears...thank you.

Good to know you do this, too...share your observations, inside and out...not more of one than the other (balance)...and let go the outcome.

stop there.

Do not sync it to "because I don't get a positive response, today." Leave it stand to letting go the outcome...any response is his sharing back. Period. Not a response. Set your mind and your life will follow. Look for that awesome positive response from inside you, EO.

I want you to dance in your choices...rejoice in your self, EO. No anyhow about it...you share and then you listen to be shared with...not responded to...tiny little difference...you're ready for it.

I love what your sponsor said...as a human, you'll fixate on what you want to know to get something...a solution, a feeling, an experience...mind that while you're fixating, God's speaking...hence, be still and know that I am God.

Opening yourself...boundaries don't have information...you have the boundary around yourself...here's what my predetermined steps are when you find out it's been violated...that's clarity. Boundaries won't get messed up...they are what they are and you chose them...to what you hold yourself to on the inside and enforce on the outside...I know you know that.

Your H crossed your boundary of informing...he switched plans without notifying you...that's the boundary issue...he withheld information. Like tying your hands...

Omission is powerful.

What's your boundary enforcement for omission? What do you have to do to amend lying by omission to others about yourself, your stuff?

Balance, EO...you have these answers already in you...get out of fear's way so you can have clarity on the inside, too.

Drop "try" out of your vocabulary. You either choose to do or not do...all humans do. "I choose to be satisfied with my limits...love them as much as my power. I choose to be open, aware, to hear and see God speak."

The way through is not around...

Last thing...I wanted to be clear about choosing not to remind, ask for promises from someone who does not deliver on their promises...(two parts, his and yours)...why not choose to act like he's read it? Why the monitoring? What does that really achieve? Fulfillment of your prediction he would fail? When I went round and round that mulberry bush, I had to uncover my pattern, my true want...did I want a thriving partnership, or to have my DH work as hard as I thought I was working?

I found I enjoyed the work...and shared my enjoyment. Made that my real, higher payoff than keeping to establishing me being failed, again.

I don't know how else to share that with you.

Also, this weekend was really the first time I could remember DH and me POJAing...on something large...brainstorming...so getting to agreements wasn't near where I began or worked for the last two years...

As we shared a long time ago...if I wanted DH to read anything (my email, a book, a pamphlet), then I had to get onto an audio CD. LOL. Books on tape. He has read stuff and found it informative...like The Boomerang Relationship...he chose to read as I handed it to him...before one of our scheduled communication exercise nights. Mindset, preparedness...I have no idea. He chose.

He grows himself...and I'm by his side, minding my own.

And I remember telling you about our joint MC session when DH had gone back a few promises and I was upset (called the meeting) and MC heard me out and turned to DH and said, "You promised this, that, and this and you're not doing any of those things, is that correct?"

"No. No, I'm not."

"Is that fair? Why do you agree to do stuff you don't really agree with?"

A shrug. A stammer. "I don't know."

"Well, stop promising to do stuff you aren't really going to do."

And then MC turned to me and said, "What happens when he doesn't agree to do what you want him to do?"

Whoa.

Well, I whine, cajole, demand, manipulate...you know, the regular stuff. (I'm lol'ing now!)

"Be safe to hear him not agree and respect your DH."

Well, I stopped asking, so I was really safe...now I ask...and DH can say, "No, I'm not going to do that." No rejection...I know he's telling me long lasting truth over instant delight. And you know what? He takes care of most of the stuff I used to have to ask for...which is waaaaay cooler.

IMO.

In my life.

You know, Nelson Mandela said our true fear is not of failing, it's of thriving. Shining.

Stun me, EO.

LA

LA, I love how you model how I sound when I do listen and repeat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was really grateful that you took the time to explain it in a way that I can refer back to when I'm disconnected and not feeling the love.

My goal was not to see him work as hard as I was on the relationship. He works hard at plenty of other things that aren't my forte. And though there are lots of things I am working on building better habits with, score-keeping I think I have under control.

I have had it with DJs. I'm at my boundary line. But not enforcing every last one, or I'd be living in my car. So I thought if he could do some work on his end, maybe I could let down my guard, set down my hopper, for a few minutes, for crying out loud.

I know that's not how it works. That I may never get to put that hopper down. And I see my resentment that I need one. And one day I'll find that there was a greater purpose for that hopper, and I'll look back and be grateful not to have the frustration I once had.

And I know, too that if I'm frustrated with H's DJs, then I'm probably DJing myself, too. I am working on catching those.

Edited to add: and if you're saying he's not safe, and he's saying he's not feeling safe, then again, it sounds like the DJS are a great place to start.

That hopper, dearest friend, is for you...an act of respect FOR YOU...not for him.

He's not shoving his stuff down into your head...you allow his stuff in...hence, the hopper is your separate and equal condom...don't have discourse without it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Trust your highest honesty...you will come through this and shine. Choose hope and honesty. To this level you demonstrate here.

Which is why when folks say, "Oh, I don't go onto MB...brings me down" I wonder if their highest honesty is being thwarted again...can give you an aversion to truth, can't it?

Just wondering aloud...as I do on your thread.

'Cuz you really have this place spiffy and comfortable.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay...to your post...

"My goal was not to see him work as hard as I was on the relationship."

I'm SOOO confused...your goal was not to see him work as hard on your marriage as you were working?

Really? Or was this a slip...you had a desire that he act as enthusiastic, serious, and committed as you were...? How can you have a goal about him? I don't understand this. Clarification for the old gal with the bifocals please.

"He works hard at plenty of other things that aren't my forte. And though there are lots of things I am working on building better habits with, score-keeping I think I have under control."

We eliminate LBs...don't have them and keep them in us at a low level...we work to eliminate them by revoking our permissions to do them at all...and they are easily gone when we get to how damaging they really were...corrosive, murderous and scalding. Then we don't touch them. Unless...our perception sees us dying, then we kick in those permissions to do them again, for our own protection...and they never really protected.

Scorekeeping kept me in fantasy...living tit for tat, giving to get...it confirmed and supported, through judgment, validating my feelings...my anger, resentment, entitlement...that was another tool in my arsenal to emotionally manage...to live from my feelings and focus on altering them, instead of understanding where they were coming from.

I used it in my head about myself and others...I said it aloud, monitored dates, times, places to correspond and support...used life like a photographic mind trapping evidence...which trapped myself.

Conditioning your choice of actions on his actions isn't scorekeeping by itself...it's choosing based on possible response; manipulative and full of self-betrayal. The very act to do this, through judgment, generates those emotions I listed...hence, we feel trapped by our own doings, not theirs.

Are ya dizzy yet? I am.

The hopper is no longer noticed when you get the separate stuff really, really well...it's a tool, not a fixture. Respect remains...the image can fade. Would you consider it's your inner child saying, "I don't have to if I don't want to!" which signals some choices and actions taken based on his stuff, not yours?

I'm delighted when I delight you...'cuz my soul sings that way...and you put up with my monstrously long posts so well, seems to me...and I made one today where I said, "What can I add?" on Rin's thread...and I got a belly chuckle four hours later ('cuz I'm working here!), when it posted...I'd forgotten how I started...and I wanted to ROFL...because it was HUGE...

I tickle myself.

I tickle myself pink.

LA

"He's not shoving his stuff down into your head...you allow his stuff in...hence, the hopper is your separate and equal condom...don't have discourse without it."
That's a really clear analogy.

Last week, H called me at work to say that I was selfish for having taken a 30 minute shower that morning. They make the house too cold and I was trying to get the chill out of my bones. He said he took a 5 minute shower, and then the kids bathed, after I left for work. He said the kids, who bathe together, told him they had only 10 minutes of hot water, and then 20 minutes of cold. He asked me what did I have to say, and I said, "Let me think about it and get back to you." He was furious and I left him to it. Separate and equal. I felt like if I said, oh, sorry, I'll won't bathe for more than 5 minutes anymore, that I would feel resentment about feeling pushed into an answer like that. I'm really sensitive I think especially because of our age difference. I feel like he "pulls rank" on me.

I took showers at night after that, until last night. I was just too tired. I took a shower in the morning. H came in after 11 minutes and told me that I'd been in the shower for 11 minutes, how selfish, what mother would do that. That it was like if someone brought a cake, and I ate it all and left nothing for anyone else. Usually, I'd leave the room whe he lays into me, but my hair was full of shampoo and I was half washed, so I felt kind of stuck. He went on until my hopper overflowed and I snapped back, who the heck are you to tell me I'm selfish, at which point he seemed satisfied and dropped it.

On my way out, I tried to talk him out of seeing my "long" shower as "selfish." I called him later and apologized for that part, that I understand that he can chose to see things however he wants to. I haven't made amend for snapping at him, but I will.

I don't really know the answer to this. I wouldn't call bathing at the "wrong" time of day Independent Behavior, but at the same time, I can see that he's not enthusiastic. The kids have never been stuck with cold water outside of that one time last week. Part of me thinks I'm responsible to find a solution rather than keep love busting, and part of me thinks that's taking too much ownership of his problem.



" '...when folks say, "Oh, I don't go onto MB...brings me down' I wonder if their highest honesty is being thwarted again...can give you an aversion to truth, can't it?"

I can definitely see how looking at issues that you haven't resolved in your own life, issues that make you uncomfortable, can bring you down.


"'Cuz you really have this place spiffy and comfortable."
Thanks, you too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"'My goal was not to see him work as hard as I was on the relationship.'

I'm SOOO confused...your goal was not to see him work as hard on your marriage as you were working?

Really? Or was this a slip...you had a desire that he act as enthusiastic, serious, and committed as you were...? How can you have a goal about him? I don't understand this. Clarification for the old gal with the bifocals please."
I was repsonding to this, "Why the monitoring? What does that really achieve? Fulfillment of your prediction he would fail? When I went round and round that mulberry bush, I had to uncover my pattern, my true want...did I want a thriving partnership, or to have my DH work as hard as I thought I was working?"
I was trying to say that I dowant a thriving partnership, too, that I don't think I'm falling into measuring how hard H is working. I don't think I scorekeep. I don't think I choose based on what I think his response will be.


"The hopper is no longer noticed when you get the separate stuff really, really well...it's a tool, not a fixture. Respect remains...the image can fade. Would you consider it's your inner child saying, "I don't have to if I don't want to!" which signals some choices and actions taken based on his stuff, not yours?"

Yes, LA, I find myself fleeing more often than I want to. I feel like the best time in my week is shared with those other than my H. That I feel safer emotionally with other folks than I do with my H. That I can let my guard down around them, and slip those defenses back up on an as-needed basis only. And I feel resentful that others can feel more safe and comfortable around H than I do. I understand that it's not that he singles me out for bad treatment, that he may just feel more defensive around me than others.


"I'm delighted when I delight you...'cuz my soul sings that way"
I'm loving that visual <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"..and you put up with my monstrously long posts so well, seems to me..."
I never considered them monstrous, I consider them thoughtful. And I do feel hardheaded or angry sometimes, and look back at what you and others have posted. It helps me regain perspective.

Keep on ticklin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A really clear analogy? I was sooo going for funny.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thank you.

As to the incident with the hot water (and lack thereof)...you like being verbally abused? Can you identify where he did it and that you didn't enforce your boundary? Which hurt you greatly?

The Truth is...you took a long shower...there wasn't enough hot water to go around. You knew that was a risk. You did it because you resent the thermostat being set too cold for you. You have fingers to change the thermostat...the wherewithall to buy an electric blanket with dual controls (and you want a marriage with dual controls, as well)...did you share before showering?

"I feel chilled to my very bones. I am standing here resenting how low the thermostat is set. I want to take a really long hot shower to warm up and leave you guys short so you can feel cold, like I do, so we can turn up the heat."

And then not take 30 minutes...only 15...then throw some dry towels into the dryer on high and take them out in two minutes and wrap yourself in them and snuggle yourself, 'cuz you're worth it.

You did great with the thinking and promising you'll get back to him...you left out the respectful "when"...or did you?

Now...own your stuff, Missy EO. How parental is that? (I was my mother just then.) He doesn't pull rank...he has no more rank than you do...you both are ranked adults.

What he does is parent you...and you're grown. That's gonna hurt and you'll feel a lot of anger. Not because you're sensitive...we all are sensitive...we all have senses.

What you did wasn't sensible...what he did wasn't, either.

Own your part...be honest and state your amends...to speak to share, and not take a single action which you will resent. Own your retaliation and amend it by showering last just once this weekend. Amend to the girls, so they learn...how to own, amend and move on.

Enforce your boundary against verbal abuse, otherwise, they learn how to be abused...and how to abuse.

In our house, adults shower in the morning, kids at night. Been the rule for FOREVER.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And, bathing at night helps kids sleep, btw.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God showed you this morning that your boundary enforcements haven't been consistently, respectfully taken. You remove without speaking. That negates YOU, EO. Tears you up along with the VB...stop it. That's abusive to you and YOU'RE doing it.

While washing your hair state the truth "You are defining me and that's abusive. I know who I am, the mother and wife I am."

He continues (there's time to rinse and remove)...you state it again. "Stop. Now. That's abusive."

Remove.

When you have a family meeting tomorrow night, lay down the new rule...kids bathe at night, adults in the morning.

'Cuz you're adults. You get to.

It wasn't him going on until your hopper overflowed...it was you not enforcing your boundaries...NOT being respectful or truthful.

Your hopper is for "I feel lonely" and you taking that to be about you, not him. Or "I feel attacked when you walk away from me" and making it about you walking away instead of hearing he feels attacked or discounted.

Your hopper does NOT hold abuse...it's toxic...eats through the hopper and your head and your heart. Anyone defines you at any time, you say, "Stop. Ouch. That's abusive. No defines a human being...only they do."

And each time you define him, you say aloud. "That's abusive. I defined you. I'm sorry. That is not who I really am."

Snapping back isn't respect. No justification, either. You've got predetermined boundary enforcements...USE them.

I've got to run...but I'll get to the rest of your post tomorrow, 'k?

I'm so excited you posted. Thank you!

LA

La, honestly, it was not my intent to leave nothing but cold water for the kids. It was the first time that has ever happened. They usually bathe at night, I leave really early, and didn't know they were going to want to bathe in the morning. I totally hear you about the thermostat, we haven't come up with a POJA for that yet, either, but I agree, there are other soutions.

I do feel more separate and equal, now, but it helps looking at it with clear lenses to plan for next time.

I'm hopeful that one day, he and I won't still be dancing this dance, we'll be dancing a beautiful new one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, LA, just wanted to tell you that I thought your "don't have discourse without it" line was funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah, and I meant to say on my thread, hope you and DH had a great time last weekend! YAY for getting away together!

"Because it's curious and fascinating to wear your new respect, from your soul outward...and see how much the world changed, took on a new tone, a surprising perspective...because YOU changed...see and report it...know your opinion is yours...valid...yours. Not you being wrong, doing wrong...you BEING different."

I think I need to write this one down.. There are days when I really do feel this, like I'm seeing with new eyes and can't wait to share how different everything looks.

"I hear that as a euphemism for..."WHAT A DARN LONG POST, WOMAN!""
OMG, I cracked up at this, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> *I* heard it as, "Wow, lady, that's a lot for me to process right now!" which is sort of what I thought when I read it the first time, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so much for sharing the story about your MC session where he asked what you do when H didn't agree to do what you wanted! That was really eye-opening for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ears -- hi!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I don't have much to add to what LA is saying. I'm just nodding my head, recognizing myself in your words and soaking up her advice, because it applies to me too! I'm so grateful you are here and sharing with us. I learn so much from you.

(((EO)))

(((GROUP HUG!)))
Happy

EO,

I believe you. I believe it wasn't your intention...

Do you intend to enforce boundaries?

What are your amends to yourself when you don't enforce them against abuse?

You can't have a beautiful marriage until you do...choose hope and row your boat, EO...then you'll know when to get out of it.



Seriously...I was thinking about you this morning in my shower...LOL...that sounds soooo odd...anyway, I was hearing when I was most defined...growing up...told who I was...a good girl, a bad girl, selfish, silly, weird, lazy, thoughtless, forgetful, daydreamer, stupid, smart, a mess, funny, not funny, lacking in rhythm, tone, untalented, very gifted...make your own list of what you heard defining who you were, back and forth, up and down, in and out...spin with it, EO...feel how very much humans doing this to one another, and us taking it in...our influence allowance wide open as a child...and then realize, now, you have choice...power...limits.

To choose NOT to enforce boundaries is to harm your children...your inner children...scar them all over again.

They are asking you, EO..."When will this stop? When will I be whole and completely me?"

You may have been looking for a father figure when you married H...this would be the very thing, over time, to because your marriage's undoing...what attracts you becomes what abuses you...he's doing the same thing...you're perceiving it differently...

As long as you use him to define you (delightfully) in the way you want, you will betray yourself. And you will hate him when he does in a way you don't want.

Revoke the permission.

Which is why I stopped at "I am"...my truest acknowledgment...try it. You define you...

And then you will be changing your dance steps...and experience abundance.

LA

Yes, I do intend to enforce boundaries. This week has been better that way. I get weary, feel like I can't do it anymore, and then I remember, I can do it, I have a plan. And then I get to it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My amends to myself for not enforcing my boundaries is usually resasurring myself that I can do this. Thanks for your support in that.

This weekend, I went for our yearly reunion with my Dad's family. A lot of great people to be around. Some things came up with my Dad, though, that I haven't mentioned to him yet, but I see how that relationship too has been poisoned by our judgment of one another, and my lack of boundaries. I kept hearing your voice, that what you allow yourself to do to others, you will do to yourself. These tools really are helping.

Have you shared with your Dad, yet?

How 'bout now?

Now?

And what's this that your amends, what you do to make up your own betrayal to yourself is reassuring yourself you're capable? That's amends? Hmmmm...hmmm....hmmmm....

Ah, I just wanna hear from you.

LA

We've been staying at a friend's this week while we're having work done on the house. I look forward to going home. I have not shared with my Dad at all. I've had some pretend conversations with him in the car, alone, but I'm not ready to really talk with him, yet. I think I'm fearing being judged, and not sure if my hopper is iron-clad enough for that, yet.

I feel like I'm getting consistent with the loving detachment and seeing that others' behavior is not about me. Separate and equal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What I meant by making amends is recognizing when my thoughts and actions don't line up with my code and setting up a better plan to keep from doing the same thing next time.

EO,

You have good friends!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Does this mean you're getting a new kitchen?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

No rush on the Dad talk...that's HUGE stuff...I know. Gosh, you know I know...where our whole need for a hopper began...back to the origins and stuff...might help to keep in mind that while this caretaker was your origin, his stuff was handed down...and that was handed down...and you're feeling the result of a lot of handing down.

Give yourself great fat kudos that you're stopping the handing down...

Now, about amends...Al-Anon doesn't teach that a better plan will keep you from doing anything...plans don't change you; behaviors do.

When we amend, we own exactly what we did or didn't do...like you said, with your code...we own our whys...for awareness and knowing...and then we promise to not do it again...we revoke that permission again..."That's not what I want."

Well, least my take, anyway. And if I've withheld sharing my stuff...then I share immediately inside...and out...I do what I didn't; or stop doing what I did.

And I share all this with my DH, too.

And my sons.

And a lot of this is on the fly...catching a DJ out of my mouth or in my head and owning it right there, aloud...to myself or others.

How does your H look to you, since you've been seeing his stuff as his? What do you feel, perceive?

Inquiring minds gotta know.

Heehee.

How are the girls and did you get any cool stories from the reunion?

LA

LA, I do have good friends. We ere having our floors done, and D11 got physically really sick, vomiting and vomiting from the glue smell. I called my friends the next day, and they said no problem, stay as long as you want. My friend even called me every day after we went back home to make sure D11 was okay. I am very grateful to have friends like that.

The floors are beautiful, hardwood throughout the house.

I've been learning about myself that I have a ton of fear. I am actively challenging that. Acting with my code even when I fear retribution. In my head I give others, not just at home or with my FOO, but my coworkers, my friends, way too much of my power over me, even after all this time.

At first I just saw it with my H, because that's where my focus was. "If only" this man would respect me, then he would give me the room I needed to create a happy life. No. I needed to start doing what I needed to do to start creating a life where I lived by my code. My greatest fear was that he'd leave. But he's still here.

A few months ago, I shared this with him, all this fear, that he would leave me, if I crossed him in some way. To put it another way, that I don't know where his boundary, his walk line was, and so I feared that I would cross it inadvertently. He told me he isn't going anywhere.

It has taken me some time to come to trust H's word over my huge fear that tells me otherwise. But now I do, and I think it's that ROcks in a River, the everyday things that we do. More than a big pronouncement. Today, I do feel secure.

I think we are saying the same thing, but if I'm still not getting it, please fill me in. What I meant by planning better was changing my behavior to fit my code. I can still get flustered in the moment, so it helps me to try to think things through ahead of time, like listen and repeat, for example, so I'm not leaving myself to respond in the moment. Although I aprreciate how you share how you repsond in the moment, amending yourself on the fly. I catch myself on the fly, too, just not when it escalates too fast for me.

Just like you predicted, it is happenning on its own, when H is reacting from his anxiety, I just understand in the moment that it's his to own, and I'll say that, "What an interesting perspective. I hear..." and repeat it back. Like you said, hand it back to him. Not mine to fix. It's amazing, freeing.

The stories from the reunion, wow. Some high school kids volunteering with the local hospice came and interviewed my Grandpa, and made a video and a scrapbook with photos from my uncles. Hearing him tell in his own words how he went down in WWII over Italy and was in a German POW camp for 9 months before General Patton himself liberated them, amazing.

Then, when asked if he had any stories about raising 6 boys, he said they all got along very happily. And I thought to myself, as I sat with my Dad and his brothers, how I might feel if I was one of them listening to my father, who was an amazing storyteller, and he couldn't recall one story about raising them. Like you said, to look at what was handed down. And to see these guys happy and enjoying the moment, instead of focusing on what was not in the video.