eo


I can relate to feeling so deprived of affection, any affection is like water to a dehydrated person. BTDT. I've never been a very touchy/huggy type person, yet I'm real affectionate with my H and my kids. I get uncomfortable, because my mom's side of the family is EXTREMELY touchy/huggy. My grandma and one of my aunts "cling", like burs, when they hug. Suffocating. But when R and I are in a "distance cycle", I'm not so quick to pull away. Those are the times when I have the greatest need for affection, cause its an idicator that we're connected again.

But my preference is to lavish more affection on my kids. They are all very affectionate and seem to enjoy getting the added affection. It helps me. I'm giving and receiving affection - that doesn't suffocate me or them. Keeps me from feeling as "starved" for it, till R and I reconnect.

I don't know if that would help you or not. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with you enjoying affection you get from others - well, as long as its platonic with any nonfamilial men. I think maybe you feel uncomfortable because you're not getting it from your H, which is who you really want it from.

Would your H say no if you asked for a hug? I hope your IC can help you find ways to bring this topic up with your H.

(((eo)))
Tama

How about signing up for a dance class? Ballroom dancing or country western, something that requires human touch. It won't be the same, but it might take some of the edge off of not getting it from H.

Thanks Tama, it is good to hear that you don't see anything wrong with it. It IS platonic, like when a guy comes into a room, and gives everyone, man and woman, a warm greeting. Whether H is there or not. So maybe it is just something that I'm overreacting about and don't need to be embarrassed by or feel guilty about enjoying.

H will let me hug him, and DD11 is affectionate, so like you said, those are much better places to enjoy affection.

We have done country western dancing before, and that is so much fun! I will suggest that as an RC again.

That would be great if he'd agree to the dancing because dancing releases endorphins and makes you feel like you're having fun, even if you don't want to let yourself have fun, but even if he doesn't, go by yourself. Or sign up one of the kids, if they're old enough. They will partner you with someone if you come alone.

Jayne, your posts have been all over the place lately <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> What're you working on? I'm still working on those SNEAKY DJs of mine. Sneaky, I say!

thinking of you...

Cat, I'm looking forward to your update, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We didn't get to a POJA yet, and then I got a call from a very dear friend, DD11's best friend's mother. She invited our whole family to join theirs over at their timeshare in Mexico, just outside of San Diego. The magic I've been wishing for your family's holiday spilled over to mine, thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I'm looking forward to some line dancing once our weekends settle down. There's a great place 5 minutes from me.

And I'm working through my hugging issues. Liberally hugging on H is so magical, it pushed all those fears aside.

Jayne, I'm wokring on anxiety, too, in IC. We're doing guided relaxation. What do you have to lose, but your worry and stress?

http://www.allaboutdepression.com/relax/

Hi ears! All over the place - you mean I'm posting in a lot of different places, or I'm just all over the map emotionally? I think either or both could be true. I don't know what's going on, but maybe I'll go over to my thread and think out loud a bit... wouldn't want to TJ your own thread!

I hear ya about being hungry for a hug. I remember one time, it seems I was so hungry for physical touch that it felt really good to sit in church in a crowded pew. I was a kid at the time, so there's no doubt what I was wanting was purely platonic.

It sounds like H will give you hugs if you ask, though, is that correct? Dancing is great too, I hope you get a chance to do that soon.

Cool, family vacation... sounds awesome! Maybe it will provide lots of RC and fun family bonding time.

Thanks for the relaxation link! Are you reading my mind???

If you are, please let me know what I'm thinking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jayne, I playfully meant all over the map emotionally. Which happens this time of the year!

I glad H is at a place today where he likes when I go ask him for a hug, even though he's stressed out with work on top of the Chanukah/Christmas rush at my house. That's where I found some old DJs, thinking that he was going to growl as I approached.

The relaxation link was in response to what you were talking with Stella about with anxiety on your thread. Stella posted some great stuff on Tama's thread, too.

I don't know how to read minds, but if I had to guess, you are thinking that you are grateful to be so blessed this time of year, but your cup is running over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm either overreacting, and need to deal with that better, or in denial.

When my H used to travel, I used to get what I recognize now as panic attacks, gut feelings that something was very wrong.

He's not travelling now, but suddenly very distant. I feel like he's hiding something, and he doesn't answer the phone the way he usually does.

He's lying to me about foolishness. Like yesterday he gave the girls each a chocolate (he hides them), and when I asked where they were so I could get one, he said they were all gone. I could tell that he was lying, and I think he knew I knew. I saw them out this morning, and said that he could have just told me that he didn't want me to have another chocolarte, instead of lying to me. That it makes me feel like I'm nuts when he says something that I know is not true.

I tried to call him about getting together for lunch, and again he doesn't answer. Is it reasonable to drive home and rest my fears, or am I just making myself nuttier?

Maybe it's that when he's distant, I am still picking the absolute worst belief in the bunch. H called back, and he wanted to go to lunch, too.

lol, that is so often true, isn't it? And so many things are messed up, simply because we don't talk them out. "If I had only known that's what you meant..."

What was that story, The Gift of the Maji or something? The H sold his watch to buy his wife a brush, while the W cut her hair and sold it to buy her husband a watch chain? lol, you'd think we'd learn after all these years since that was written.

EO, I can relate to how you're feeling. I've had similar things happen. I do believe that what happened to me last Friday was an overreaction, but it was based on past experiences that were real. Not infidelity, but inappropriate and independent behavior.

I guess if there's some distance, then you should probe as you can to find out what the source is. If it's just a mood, then okay. If it's more, then you do need to know. I think it's great that you were able to basically tell him you didn't appreciate the lie about the chocolate. I think I'd want to know what was going on to make him lie about nonsense.

Thanks, KLD. I spoke to H for lunch, and he said he was stressed from work and from the amount of work to do with the kids. There are still things that don't add up, like he said yesterday that he was driving into the office even though there wasn't going to be anyone there, then he said the secretary was there. Then when he got home, he said that he drove into work for nothing because there was no one there, they were all working remotely yesterday. That combined with a few other similar kinds of things really had my radar up. Actually, I was on the phone with my sponsor for an hour, and then I was okay, but just more of the same today and I'm really feeling uncentered.

I am much more comfortable when my radar is not up and I can think of these things as his to own, which they still are, and let them go. This could easily be just that he wasn't paying attention to what he was saying.

We've all seen examples of times when radar was accurate, and when it wasn't. If you've tried H&O then wouldn't it be good to set your mind at rest by confirming? If there's something there, you need to know; and if there's nothing there, then you'll be able to relax.

eo

I think you should pay attention to your "gut instincts". If he is behaving abnormal to what is usual for him, then I don't think you're wrong to wonder why the difference.

It might be nothing major, him just "off" for some reason. But it could be more. Until you know for sure, I would suggest considering the facts - what precisely is different - and ask H about the differences, before "letting" yourself go too far toward worrying about them.

Example:

This morning my H text me. He doesn't text or call me often when he's at work, but if he does its usually to give me info, ask info, or ask me to do something. The text this morning said simply "luv u".

It may sound strange, but my first thought was "I wonder if everything is okay." For no other reason than it was an "abnormal" thing for my H to do.

I was in the process of texting him back, had only gotten as far as, "luv u 2", when he called me. VERY unusual! Now I was sure something had to be up.

As it turned out, something IS up, he doesn't feel good and was wanting to connect with me, get a little verbal TLC. That IS normal for him, when he's sick.

My point? My gut instinct was that something was up. It wasn't anything wrong - not that my H being sick is good or right - but it wasn't my imagination, either. KWIM?

BTW, my H didn't come out and tell me he didn't feel good. I asked him if he was okay, before I got that information.

So...did you ask your H why he's behaving differently? I think you should. It would be better than playing the guessing game and jumping to conclusions that could drive to worry even more than the reality would.

HTH

Tama

I agree with Jayne and Tama, EO. Will it hurt to do some validation - even quietly? I'm struggling with this myself and was about to post about it in my own thread when I read yours.

Hopefully there will be a truly silly reason for these things that don't quite add up, but if not then you'll know you need to dig deeper.

You've been through alot and you've gotten yourself to a very good place. I continue to be amazed at your resolve. It would be a shame to ignore something important at this point.

jayne, Tama, KLD, thanks for your help reasoning through this.

When I spoke to my sponsor last night, she said that from knowing my H, that he has a lot of pain. That I could honestly tell him that he is not acting the way he usually does, ask if there is anything challenging him, and reassure him that no matter what it is that's bothering him, "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." That when he is ready to share, that I am ready to listen, and that if he asks me for help that I will help him.

That is pretty much what I did say to H today at lunch, and then he opened up and described how lately some projects with work and the kids are such huge responsibilities.I did ask him why didn't he answer his phone, and he said that he was on conference calls.

I am not making excuses, I am trying to reason through this. I do want to know also, why did he dress up yesterday when he doesn't usually? Ask about the discrepancies that I don't understand. But I don't want to feel like I've been lied to. I think that it would be good to share that I have these fears. But when I have shared them in the past, like before his Las Vegas trip in '06, he accused me of taking shots at him. He described it that I was manipulating him.

Thanks for helping me with this, guys. It really helps me to think through what something would look like here before I try it IRL. Jayne, you remember how you wrote out what you wanted to say? I practice out loud in my car, and that helps, too.

That makes sense, EO. I think it was great that you could say to him that you're there and he can talk to you. It sounds like he believes it, too. That's really good that you have that understanding between you.

I also understand that you want to be able to fit the pieces together. Maybe it's not the right time and maybe you won't have exactly these pieces to fit, but eventually I know it will come together. One thing I might suggest is just to keep a few notes about the questions and discrepancies. You may never need the notes or you may never look at them again, but it will be good to have them to jog your memory if other questions come up in the near future. Just a thought since it's easy to forget some things as others take their place... (at least for me, anyway, with limited brain space!!!)

I'm glad you had a good conversation with your H, and that he told you about the huge responsibilities he's feeling. That could explain things.

I don't know, and you know I'm just mentioning my own ideas - they may not be best - but, if your H will think further questions are manipulative, would it be better to just check on your own?

Here's what I'm thinking - and you know it may be wrong! -
There should be no secrets between spouses. Would your H resent you checking up on him? Would you feel like you were being dishonest in doing that without him knowing?

If you think it isn't wrong for you to check up on him, and that it isn't dishonest, then checking up to allay your fears would be better for your marriage than asking him more questions. If you talked to him, he might view that as manipulative and you wouldn't be sure he answered truthfully.

E_O - can you give me a brief recap of your story? I think we may be alike in alot of ways. I'd tried skimming through the start of this post, but don't have the time to do 78 pages! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You're talking about your sponser, can I ask what that is? Thanks for your help on my thread too - I appreciate it.

Jayne, the last question I asked was if there anything wrong, because he didn't seem like himself lately. He asked if I was asking about Sunday, when I "refused to allow DD11 to do her homework and told her to get away from her mean Daddy." It could be that he was feeling defensive and rewrote things, or he experienced them this way to begin with (which doesn't jive with the call we had that night), or he wants to get me off his back. I don't think it's helpful for me to try to guess at his intent, as he will share when he's ready.

Anyhow, I shared my H&O, that I hear he's choosing this perspective, and am leaving it for now. It helps that his behavior is back to what I usually expect from him, like being easy to reach on the phone, and dressing how he usually does.

Callie, you asked about a brief recap. I came to MB because I didn't know how to get my needs met in my M, I was bothered by H's IB, and I felt like a failure as a W. About a month after I started posting, a poster recommended Alanon, and I've found that the two programs work great together. Alanon to help me get back to who I am, and MB to get back to the wife I am. Before I started building this huge Wall of Resentment.

A sponsor is a person in Alanon who helps you work your program. I call her when I need help reasoning things out. I also have a phone list for my local group for when I want to speak with someone with a different experience than my sponsor has. Like when my MiL passed last year, I spoke to several folks, to get different perspectives. Just hearing others' experiences dealing with a loss of a dear family member was very healing for me.