Guys, my H last night brought up a concern about DD12's weight. She was at a 50th percentile for a long time, but she gained 20 pounds this last year, and is now at 85th for her age and height. We took her to the doctor Monday for her asthma, and H wanted me to ask about a referral to a dietician, so I did, and we got one. I have very conflicting feelings about this, because I don't want to send her a message that we are displeased with her. because I'm not displeased with her, but even if I was, I don't think that is a healthy thing to share. I just don't know, nothing about it seems very clear. I do quiet things, like cook healthy dinners, buy healthy snacks like fruit for the house, find non-food rewards, and bring her to Curves with me. That's where my comfort level is.

H brought up the topic respectfully with me, but I really don't have anything to offer besides what I'm already doing. I understand his concern. I asked him to focus on things that he could do, like take her out to play ball or go for a bike ride, like they did before the surgery. Obviously not for a few weeks, but after that. He really didn't like those suggestions, they didn't seem drastic enough to him to make a difference, and he felt like I was putting this in his lap. I repeated the things that I do, and I think that is a good healthy set of things already.

H told her to do the elliptical machine for 15 minutes last night, but she was tired and didn't want to. They got into it, but I tried to give them the space to work it our. DD got heated, so I took her for a walk, but she got heated again and I let her decide what to do with that. I had asked her to let me know if she wants to go for a walk again. After that, I put in a calming yoga DVD, and I did the exercise myself while DD stayed in the room with me, listening while she played on the computer.

Any suggestions?

Well, the age of 10-12 is the typical age for girls to temporarily add on pounds, that klutzy stage. I gained 30 pounds when I was about 12, and didn't lose it until 9th grade, when my new friend and I started walking - everywhere, all the time. When I think back on it, I think my 8th grade best friend ditched me because she was going into drill team, and I didn't fit her 'mold' of beautiful young things that she wanted to be associated with.

That said, overweight doesn't carry the stigma it used to. D17's friends all give her a hard time for being too skinny! Because they are all, except one, overweight. Just how school is now.

But I would never accept her choosing to be overweight, if she were so predisposed, simply because I know it would be setting up a lifetime of disappointments, passed up job promotions, boys choosing her just cos they know no one else wants her and expecting her to give them SF in return for the 'favor' of dating her, and the health issues.

Granted, I can say all this cos mine was in the bottom 2% her whole life, but even if she wasn't, I would have put in an extra effort to turn the whole family's life around to make sure she starts developing patterns of exercise and healthy eating now, while I have the chance to influence her. I would have taken steps to ensure that the whole family started joining baseball teams, going on hikes for vacation, learned to cook together, that kind of thing. I would put my free time and relaxation on hold while I addressed the issue. And I would start making a point of finding ways to show D17 that it is a potentially bad path to take.

I hope that doesn't sound self-righteous, and I'm not trying to criticize your efforts, but it is my truth. I watched my overweight brother practically ruin his life because of his weight issues; I've listened to my husband judge women based on their body weight; I've watched my best friend practically die because of her eating issues and still be 100 pounds overweight; I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

When I was overweight, I was well aware of it, even though my mom never mentioned it; and I hated myself for it - I saw it as a personal failing, and in my mind, the only thing that saved me from staying like that was meeting my best friend who got me walking - therefore, it wasn't my own brains or personality. I think you'd be doing her a disservice by NOT talking about it, by not helping her think of it in terms of a temporary stage that she shouldn't stay in and has the power to leave.

Wow, cat, thanks for the response! I don't know if I was ready for the answer you gave, but I know that "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes."

We have a lot of problems running in our family history, including obesity, so she sees the worst case; I think she understands about the consequences. She knows about the link between obesity and diabetes, sleep apnea, and other health problems, again, unfortunately, by seeing the worst case in loved ones. She doesn't see herself as obese, because she's not.

We talked last night, well actually I mostly listened, because like I said, I don't feel confident speaking about this. She said that she sees how the eigth graders got chunkier in 6th grade, and how as they got taller that they slimmed back down. She said that she doesn't see this as a problem for her, because she's really active. She's really sad that her Dad is pushing her to exercise, because she works very hard in a lot of things, but he still is not happy with her. I told her that I think he is very concerned for her health, and that I think it would be really hard when you see that someone has a problem and you don't know how to help them with it. She said that she wishes that her would just leave her alone about it.

We did have the kids in soccer during that season, but she didn't like it, and won't sign up for the second season. She does like going to Curves. She rides bikes a lot with her friends. We've been brainstorming other activities. I am hoping the dietician would be a neutral person for DD12 to talk with, too.

That said, Cat, after DD6 was born I heard for years what a failure I was with the weight loss. That didn't get me to a point where I got the confidence I needed to tackle it. I don't think DD12 is motivated by that, either. I'd rather see her motivated by the joy she gets from doing sports, and how good she feels choosing healthy nutrition.

Well, I wasn't actually advocating saying 'you're being lazy or selfish' or whatever. I was thinking more of how I deal with D17, which is logic-based. If I want her to do better in school, for example, it's not about her drive, I talk about ramifications of NOT studying. I show examples of jobs you get if you drop out of school or don't go to college. I look at career books with her to see what kind of degrees you need. I look at college entrance exams and requirements and help her compare them to her (dreadful) ACT score. In other words, I put ideas out there for her to think about and come to her own conclusion about why she should do it the way I think she should. It usually works pretty well.

That's why I made the suggestions I did, about what boys are going to think about you, whether friends are going to decide you don't fit in any more, stuff like that. The things that DO motivate tweens. She'd have to find her own motivation, or she'll just learn to sneak fattening food and get out of exercising. She has to want it for her own reasons.

As for your H, I don't like having to do it, but I have found that in certain areas, I just have to tell D17 that IMO, her father has a shortcoming when it comes to them. Not that he's a bad person, but that because of his FOO, he sees a situation one way when I prefer that she not. I think your D is old enough to hear some information like that if you couch it correctly, not as a DJ to him but just information on why he thinks the way he does. So that she doesn't think it's a reflection on how he feels about her.

Cat, I totally understand you on giving your daughter information on what happens to folks who go on to higher education versus those who don't as far as salary, work schedule, benefits, pension, opportunities, and so on. If my daughter didn't already see the consequences healthwise of obesity, then the same way I would inform her of that. But I personally would be very uncomfortable to talk about ramifications of overweight socially. I asked her if it looks like a problem socially to her, and she doesn't see it.

As far as her Dad's views, I do talk to her about how there is his Truth and her Truth, either of which may or may not be The truth, but we can try to understand one another. I don't know if that's developmentally where she's at, though.

I forgot to tell you, H told me today that he is ENTHUSIASTIC about going to a Retrovaille weekend, so I sent him the info. He said that I did such a good job taking care of him that he wants to do this. I'm wondering if he just wants to learn how to come to win-win solutions so he can get us to SoCal LOL. Jayne, that would be enough of a gift to me if we got a better marriage out of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure you will not be surprised to get a book recommendation from me.

I first read it through the library (love the library), and am trying to implement some of the stuff for my family.

It's GREAT.

Called "Ending the food fight" by David Ludwig.

Of course, modifying a food plan is always difficult when you are pregnant. And now that I'm 2 weeks away, I'm just happy everyone gets fed! (lol!)

:-)

But it's really good.