I like nuclear exposure. Of course, I would. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Didn't we discuss this option some time ago?

WAT
------------------
"Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things." Ned Flanders.

Perhaps (or pernothaps), I should add:

*If RM is really remarried, it doesn't matter.
*If RM isn't really remarried, it doesn't matter.
*If it doesn't matter, then it does not matter.

But allegedly (alleged by the FWW, of course), NWP (new wifey-poo) is jake with RM and FWW being "friends."

I have done simple searches 2 see if there's any record I don't have 2 pay for that NWP ac2ally exists, but I haven't found anything.



You should have seen me on my way out 2 the parking lot (a good hike across the arroyo with all kids of birds and flowers and stuff) last night. After my Eppy Fanny yes2rday (vocalized for SC 2day), I was grinning ear 2 ear - I was so pleased with myself. My '2de was all readjusted.

Still is, I think. Gonna head out the door now. Gotta 8 hr drive up 2 Auburn 2 help my sisters clean out my dad's storage unit.

I love long drives with the radio off...

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

*If my W "gets it", then she gets it.
*If my W doesn't get it, she doesn't get it.
*If I Leave the M, then I leave the M.
*If I don't leave the M, then I don't leave the M.
*If I want 2 worry, I can worry.
*If I decide not 2 worry about [censored] then I can not worry about [censored].
*If RM is really remarried, it doesn't matter.
*If RM isn't really remarried, it doesn't matter.
*If it doesn't matter, then it does not matter.

If she doesn’t want an open marriage, then she does.

If this isn't nihilism, then it is.


I think it means, in MB speak, your LBank balance is finally in the pennys.


“But allegedly (alleged by the FWW, of course), NWP (new wifey-poo) is jake with RM and FWW being "friends."’

Well, of course! What were we thinking? Someone just needs to explain to NWP the part that’s not said out loud: “friends, with benefits.”


“…have done simple searches 2 see if there's any record I don't have 2 pay for that NWP ac2ally exists, but I haven't found anything.”

So I don’t lay awake nights wondering about this, right along side the P /= NP conjecture, I’d be willing pay for it myself 2long. Seriously, I’m pretty darn close to be willing to go way out of my way to finger your dude once and for all.

Auburn! You're in my neck of the woods! A mere hour away!

There's an Arco just off the main highway, by Dry Creek Blvd., that was offering gas at $3.15 last weekend.

It's possible NWP is an idiot. In fact, likely.

Appy, my REAL bank is in the pennies...

Appy:

"So I don’t lay awake nights wondering about this, right along side the P /= NP conjecture, I’d be willing pay for it myself 2long. Seriously, I’m pretty darn close to be willing to go way out of my way to finger your dude once and for all."

Appy, thanks for the offer, but truthfully?

*I*

*don't*

*care*

If that's "pennies in the MB LB$", then that's what it is.


There's still a chance my W may pull her head out - in fact it's likely (xMrs SC did, but 2 late). I'll be receptive for some time yet, but I'm not going 2 do self-victimization things anymore.

It was like merge's example of the WH finally "hearing himself", only it was me hearing myself talking/fretting over where I was a year ago, and realizing that I'm saying the exact same things now, in this thread.

Talk about insanity! Time for a break from that crap! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

AMM:

I agree, likely NWP, if she exists at all, is a fool, or maybe just naive. I don't need any more fools in my life, though.



Yep, I was surprised that gas didn't go up astronomically as I drove up I-5 on my way here. Usually, it does.

I paid $3.80 a gallon in Noodles, aka Needless, aka Needles, a month ago.

-ol' 2long

Best wishes on your ~~ becomming ~~ 2long!

You sound happy...at peace...darn near b*tchen! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Wow look at that, I'm Italicising and I'm not even Italian. My writing is getting to be almost as pretty as Peps!

I had a wonderful Memorial weekend at my scope thingy. First time in 27 years attending that none of my family came up for any part of the weekend at all. At times that gave me pangs of sadness, like a "tradition" has ended. But they usually quickly passed. And heck, I'm the only telescope nut in the family, anyway. Why should everyone freeze their a$$e$ off in the dirt with me for that?

When I got home, my W said she'd sent me an email about an article she read about women being jealous of their BF's previous girlfriends and such, hoping we could get some conversation going. And here's what I replied with. Sorry, but she did want 2 hear my thoughts. I realize that there might be all kinds of "nailing jello 2 a wall" things in here (as per merge's posts a few pages back), but she did ask. And I don't feel like ignoring her.


_______________________________________________________________________
Hi!

I agree, it might be a good place 2 start. I'm not
sure "jealousy" is the right word, though. These
days, I don't feel jealous, I mostly feel sad about
the mess our marriage has been in for so long. I
wonder how you feel about these parts of the article
you sent.

> Yes, jealousy is an ugly emotion, but
> there are ways to
> harness it so you don’t go ballistic. And — let’s be
> honest — there are
> times when that little green monster is trying to
> tell you something.

I agree that jealousy is an ugly emotion. It's not
love, really. It's like the saying about resentment,
that it's like taking poison and waiting for the other
person 2 die.

> How to deal: You can’t very well change his past, so
> you’re better off just
> accepting it, reminding yourself that no matter how
> amazing she was, there’s
> a reason these two aren’t still together. “You
> should know his history in a
> general sense but you have to logically realize that
> he has a right to, and
> should have had, previous relationships, just like
> you do,” says Puhn. “If
> you have a need to learn specifics, it says
> something about your issues, not
> his.” In other words, you need to let go.

Yes. "What you resist, persists." This has been a
hard lesson 2 learn, for me, because your affair
wasn't a "previous relationship." And I have had 2
accept that this may be "who you are." I'm not sure I
believe that's permanently the case, though, in spite
of what happened. I think your personal integrity
means enough 2 you that it's important that you can
be truthful and honest with yourself and with me. I
think trust is important 2 you. Like I like 2 say,
these days "The past and the fu2re don't exist -
except in our memories and imaginations. There is
only now." Meaning, we can learn from the past, and
plan for the fu2re, but we do all of that now. It
does nobody any good 2 rehash past hurts or worry
about fu2res that haven't happened. It's what we do
with our time now that matters.

> Woman #3: The female coworker
> How to tell if there’s a problem: Are those late
> nights at the office purely
> professional, or the scene of a budding office
> romance? The difference, says
> Dr. Jenn, lies in what they do together. “If he’s
> going out with his female
> coworker with a group of people, that’s
> appropriate,” says Dr. Jenn. “If
> it’s just the two of them for martinis at a swanky
> lounge, that’s something
> else.” Also watch for behavior that escalates.
> “People are likely to develop
> feelings for anyone they spend a lot of time with,”
> says Puhn. “If they go
> for coffee, then have lunch, which then leads to a
> regular after-work happy
> hour, that’s a sign that something could be
> happening.”

And as we know, a lot of something did happen. I
agree with this Dr Jenn here. People have 2 have
healthy boundaries in dealing with opposite sex
coworkers (or same sex coworkers if they're gay) so
that the friendships don't undermine their primary
relationship.

> How to deal: It can be easy to misinterpret office
> rapport as something
> more, so the fastest way to get a better gauge is to
> meet the woman in
> question. Tell him you’d like to meet his new
> coworker (or coworkers) at
> happy hour some day. If he resists, arguing it’ll be
> just “boring work
> talk,” that could be a red flag.

I've suggested this in the past. Not particularly
seriously, though, because I didn't want to go to jail
on assault charges. If we were to do something like
this now with RM, I'd want his new wife 2 be
there as well, and possibly all our kids and his ex
wife. Lay all the cards on the table, and convince
everyone that there's nothing 2 be concerned about.
Sound outrageous? It probably is.

>“The question is,
> are you being
> deliberately excluded?” says Puhn.

I was.

> Woman #4: His best female friend
> How to tell if there’s a problem: They’ve been there
> for each other through
> thick and thin—even so, best buddies should fade
> into the background once a
> relationship gets serious, says Dr. Jenn.

Or becomes a marriage?

> “At some
> point, his primary source
> of support should shift from his best friend to
> you,” she says. And while
> this can take some time, it’s within your rights to
> expect it.

I agree. But you have just as much right 2 expect it
from me.

> How to deal: When you talk to him about your
> concerns, focus on how his
> friendship is specifically harming your
> relationship—for example, “When I’m
> over at your house and you’re on the phone with her
> for half an hour while
> I’m doing nothing, that upsets me because we don’t
> have that much time to
> spend together.” And if he accuses you of being
> jealous? Admit to it,
> advises Puhn. “Tell him, ‘Yes, I’m jealous, but I’m
> being honest because I
> don’t want it to drive us apart.’” If he still
> insists there’s no problem,
> that could spell trouble. “If his friendship is more
> important to him than
> his relationship with you, that tells you something
> about how he ranks
> things,” warns Puhn. “Maybe he intends to keep his
> best friendship and
> marriage separate, but you may well dream of
> marrying your best friend.
> That’s a problem!”

I agree, we do need to be able to talk about this
calmly. I know we've tried at times, but I don't
think we were ready to before. Our feelings have been
too raw. I hope we are now, or soon.

> We can appreciate a
> good-looking person. It’s
> about not acting on it.” Puhn agrees. “It’s OK to
> smile at the cute barista,
> but that’s about it,” she says. “Your boyfriend
> should not be making any
> effort to meet this person because they’re not
> friends.

And if they are friends? And if they have acted on
their feelings? What is appropriate then?

love,
-2long.
________________________________________________________

Anyway...

ol' 2long

Well, she sent me TWO replies.

She's upset. I'm going 2 have 2 reply carefully here. She's going 2 OOSP with her mom 2morrow, 2 start setting things up for her class in a few weeks.

But this may be "it." This may be the beginning of the end.

-ol' 2long

I tried 2 be thoughtful and understanding of her concerns.

I heard a lot of old blame-shifting reactions in her other emails, and did my best 2 respond thoughtfully 2 them, not react in kind.

She's right about some points, though. Like all BSs here, I could have said and done things very differently all those years ago.

But I didn't, and so here we are.

She suggested that maybe we should get the paperwork under way that we started a year ago. I tried 2 tell her I'd like 2 try 2 fix our marriage for our family's benefit.

-ol '2long

2long...

You know the beginning started when your WW made her poor decisions some 12+ years ago, right??

IMHO, your W has never understood her responsibility in making your M a safe place for you after her A. Thus always keeping you off balance and uneasy. Whenever you felt uneasy over the past several years, her reaction was "What is wrong with you?" Never did she show true remorse and sincere personal reflection so that she could lay a foundation to better herself.

***Gibby is now climbing down off the soap box***

Take care too-long... For it has truly been too long.

JMHO.

Gib

{{2long}} Stop blaming yourself so much.

It has 2long, it really has. I don't think any BS here has been more patient, understanding, loving, kind, tolerant than you.

Having trouble getting the gist of the article. Is she fighting hard to convince you she can be buddies with RM?

Is this her hill to die on?

Is it yours?

GC

gc:

I think this is the hill.

I had hoped that the point of her first message with the article was 2 get us talking about our hurts through all of this, and looking for a solution from it.

But the following messages make it seem more likely that she interpreted the parts about past relationships and friends as supportive or justifying of her keeping this particular friend.

Well folks. This may be the time, soon, where I really do try plan B. Like merge suggested, when she leaves for OOSP in a few weeks (not this short trip 2morrow - I can't prepare that fast).

-ol' 2long

2Long,

I wish you the best, it does seem like you are at a fork in the rode. Something I've been trying to figure out for myself is staying to fix a marriage that is one-sided, is this really in the children's best interest? Am I using this as an excuse? When is enough, enough? In my sitch my WH is very passive-aggressive, in your case it seems like your wife is very up-front with her disrespect of you. In either case, it isn't good for the BS.

My thoughts are with you as you struggle with this.

SHE'S UPSET ???????

I am amazed.
It looks much more like a warning than a justification.

And — let’s be honest — there are times when that little green monster is trying to tell you something.

It looks to me like she skipped the parts that are a warning, and only read the parts that talk about friends.

Your final lines are telling - how did she react to them?

And if they are friends? And if they have acted on
their feelings? What is appropriate then?


SS

I was thinking that too.

Her choice is between having this relationship and hurting you, or not having this relationship and not hurting you.

Shouldn't even be a contest, and it is.

GC

SS:

As usual, she ignored that point. She said "while I agree with much of your assessment" and then proceded 2 talk about the things I did wrong... ...again.

That's okay, though. This can be "her truth". She'll do what she'll do.

I still do hope that she'll continue 2 talk 2 me, though. For a while, at least.

I sent her this article about communication, remembering back that she reminded me that I "refused" 2 go 2 communication classes with her. I wanted her 2 know that I haven't ignored my responsibility (2 myself at the very least) 2 continue 2 learn about it regardless of whether we survive as a 2ple or go as a 2ple 2 any classes or no.

It's also a beautiful article, and one it'd be hard for her 2 take personal offense 2.

http://iloveulove.com/psychology/psychspirit/cocreativecommunication.htm

...she just called about some issues she's having with her school getting the class logistics ready. Paperwork! she was pleasant, though. Been there before. Hope we can move forward with real kindness and compassion and less "smoothing things over" kinds of non-productive nonsense, though.

...also, I RSVP'd for an awards ceremony next week where I'm receiving an award, plus I got a cash bonus this week. So all isn't entirely screwey in ol' 2long's world! My W asked what I'd be buying with my bonus, and I told her it's for the family, because it's work-related and it's work that keeps me from spending time with my family most. We all earned it.

-ol' 2long

Congratulations on the bonus!