The next 24 hours will probably be both the longest and shortest of my life. In many ways, I think I am more than ready to do this - I owe that to all you MBs out there. In many others, I am dreading this moment - guess that's my weak human nature.

I find myself strangely calm, yet terrified by how things will unfold. I find myself asking many questions – will I really be able to do this? Will I be able to deal with whatever he does? What will he say/do? Will this be the first step to saving our marriage?

I have spent the last week since I learned the truth, tearing through this Web site looking for more and more information, for support, for hope. I believe I got that and despite my apprehension, I feel prepared and SO unprepared all at once.

I know I’m ready to do this, I’m ready to let WH know that I know. I’m ready for the lies and deception to end. I’m ready to get my husband back from her – he was never hers to take. When I met her, before the A, my gut told me she was dangerous. She got drunk at the company Christmas party and threw herself at all the men there without a spouse. I knew she was dangerous and would cause trouble, yet I ignored that. No longer. Tomorrow is the day she learns that I know, and that I will fight for my husband and my marriage. I feel strangely strong yet immensely weak all at the same time. But mostly, I know it’s time.

I realize that each situation is unique, but if any of you have any last words of wisdom you can give me, any extra tidbits that might help me be a little more prepared, any last insights on how I can appropriately respond to different things he might say or do when confronted, I would appreciate it.

I also have a few last questions – I believe I have very incriminating proof. If he denies everything, what do I do? If he wants to know what proof I have, how do I best answer the question without giving away my sources? I’ve thought of a couple things for both of these questions, but I just wanted to get some extra opinions.

I promise I’ll try to jump on here tomorrow evening after the confrontation and give an update if I can.

Hi!

are you Swedish???

nope - not at all

Quote:
If he denies everything, what do I do?
____________

Don't let him deny. BE STRONG. Tell him, in a nice way, that you KNOW, and that it doesn't matter how. Tell him you're giving him a last chance to come clean and be honest.
(Eventually give him some kind of clue, a word,(name a place they've been together, a date or hour, etc) to make him see that you know, but no more. Stick to it.

Tell him it's not important how do you know, but you can discuss it later on another conversation, this one is about his actions, not yours.

Remember you have more value than any OW. The OW loses out just by being an OW.

U R better, prettier, smarter, wiser, with the class and dignity befitting a wife, mother and queen (ok if you want, princess). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ows on the other hand can't even stand in the shadow of a BS. No OW who married the WS looks good. Julia Roberts is scarred for life in the eyes of many to this day. No matter how good of a mother she may try t/b. She got married based on lies, hurtful acts and lack of trust. She will go out of her M the same way.

Remember your H chose you before, once he gets away from the clutches of the WS, he can choose you again.

You don't have to win a WS back. In fact you don't want a WS. You want your H back.

I recall telling the OW (PBR - psycho babble rabbit) why wasn't she keeping better tabs on the WS. Why was she letting him come over to see us? LOL!!! Priceless. The day I did that felt real good. The OW had no hold on me. It took me a while to realize it but when I did....that's when my mind and heart went in sync and the WS never had a chance from that point on.

Recovery for me and by me reigned. Reverse babble helped me help keep the WS alive long enough to let my H find his way back home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Are you confronting the OW as well?
Let your WH deny everything, just smile and wave, smile and wave, (Stevie Smith) and do as lost_willow says. Let slip a place, date or time. And leave it.
Follow plan A, having explained that NC must take place.
If he acknowledges contact but says that nothing physical took place, then nod and explain that intimate contact is still unnacceptable within a marriage.
If he responds with fog babble, then I'm afraid you know for sure that you have a WH.
I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Be strong, be firm, be calm (try!) and make sure that your child is not around.
Kate xxx

Tina, for talking purposes, ALL wayward spouses deny anything is going on. A few are guilt ridden and confess, but darn few. I've seen a number of threads out here where a betrayed spouse has caught a wayward spouse in bed with the other person and the wayward spouse denied the existence of any wrongdoing.

Accept the fact that he will deny everything initially. You have too much detailed information though. You have one piece of “throwaway” proof -- the passport. Make him look at the dates for that one trip and then demand an explanation. He won’t have one and he’s going to have a sinking feeling in his gut. You’ll see it in his eyes. After a time, he’s going to understand you must have him dead to rights. I don’t like lies. Lies beget more lies. But, if you can imply that (along with the dates, times, places you use as examples) you have a great deal more information (because a private investigator hasn’t been following him around for some period of time?), I think it’s a legitimate tactic.

If he’s smart, he’ll confess everything at some point in the discussion, but adulterers rarely do the smart thing. I’ll cross my fingers for you, but it probably won’t happen. He’ll admit a piece of it at first. (You may hear the tried and true, “She’s just a friend…” excuse at this point.) He may try to convince you that you are insane to suspect him. It’s called gaslighting. Try a Google search on the term and you’ll be amazed.

He’ll stammer and look into the corners of the room and work hard to come up with some lame excuse an idiot wouldn’t believe. Let him know you know dates, places, etc., that refute that story and the story will change. He’ll perhaps admit a little more, and as time goes on, he’ll come clean with more and more. Actually, Tina, that process may take days, weeks, or months. Even a repentant adulterer will try to keep the more sordid details quiet to save face, and to shield their betrayed spouse from pain they don’t think the betrayed spouse can handle.

My advice? Plan for him denying everything; be pleasantly surprised if he’s ready to ‘fess up right from the get go. You’re well prepared though, Tina. You have more information than many betrayed spouses have for a confrontation and he won’t be able to keep his denial up for long. Hang in there, Lady.

ditto Longhorn

He might belly up, but not likely.

I recommend you try to ease your anxiety by trying to have some fun doing this. I know, I know - this is FAR from being fun. But just try to envision yourself in a Perry Mason setting and you're setting up the accused witness on the stand to hang himself. We're all sitting in the jury box.

You're a smart woman and you've got your chit together. Be strong and confident. You have the element of surprise. Set him back on his heels with facts and allow him to dig his hole deeper. You know you're right. Even so, he'll squirm and deny and actually think he's got a good denial. Don't argue because you don't need to. Stay calm, go slow, and have fun.

WAT

Stina, you're going to do fine... Are you still going to try to get the passport and take it to therapy with you? In counseling alude to the fact that you don't like all his traveling. Ask him where he was on his son's birthday. (He will reply out of country). Then hand him his passport, tell him you know what is going on, and again ask him Where were you on your son's birthday? At this point you can also say, BTW I know where you were, I just need to hear it from you if we are going to try to move past this.....

BTW - about the passport.

Have you looked at it yet?

Can you actually read the visa stamps?

Those stamps are not always readable. Dates - if not written in by hand - are sometimes not clear. Also, they are never in chronological order. The "gatekeepers" usually just flip the passport open to a random page and stamp it helter skelter. It can look like you got home before you left!

WAT

HI guys,

I'm SO sorry I didn't respond to you sooner, last night I was just overwhelmed with everything - had a beer, crawled into bed and pulled out "Surviving an Affair" to do some more studying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Let me try to answer all questions...first, things got a bit delayed, the company the WH went to work with in Japan asked him to stay a day longer so he is coming home today -should be here around 3pm PST. Therefore, confrontation didn't take place in this morning's session, but I went anyway to talk things out with our MC.

And some of you may be asking, is his trip delay due to him changing schedules around so he can be with OW for a day. I doubt it actually, when he sent me his itinerary last week (something he hadn't done in months) I noticed that there was a web link at the bottom of it that goes directly to the travel agent's web site. There you can go and look up the itinerary. So when he said that he had to stay a day longer I immediately went to that web site to see if it had indeed changed, or if he was lying to me again. Sure enough, I could see where he cancelled the one flight and booked one for a day later. So I think we're ok there.

However, because he's coming in a day later, I have yet to verify that passport. I do intend to do that before confronting him tonight. His usual pattern, since this A started, is that he comes in the house and gives me a hug (maybe a kiss if I'm lucky), we chit chat for a few minutes and then he heads to the bathroom (I know, too much info). This is where he has been locking himself up to talk to OW on his laptop. He knows I won't bother him in there (EWWWWW!!!!) so my guess is that is how he's been communicating with her from our house.

At any rate, as soon as he heads there, I will head straight for his passport. Our printer is also a copier, so I will make copies quick, slip passport back where he keeps it and be done long before he comes back out. When he comes out, that is when I will tell him we need to talk and we'll go from there. I’m not sure if the dates will be readable or not, I’m praying that God will intervene and will make it so for me. However, if He doesn’t, I think I’ve still got enough proof to give WH an “Oh S**T” moment. I actually look forward to seeing that look on his face.

I will NOT be confronting OW – I can’t promise that I wouldn’t throttle her. Even though WH is no less to blame than OW, I have to look at her and say, “She KNEW he was married, she’s met me!” She dared to cross that line with him, no matter what her intentions were, knowing full well that he was married. As angry as I am at him, I’m 10x angrier at her, so NO, confronting OW directly is not an option right now.

Fortunately my step son will not be here – since it’s Mother’s Day weekend, he may come over tomorrow, but will be with his mom the majority of the weekend. So WHEW! I don’t have to worry about him – and he really is one of my biggest worries in this. I just don’t want him to get hurt.

Thanks for giving me the confidence boost, each and every one of you. Specifically Orchid, thanks for reminding me that I really am better than her in everyway. I think I knew it somewhere, I just needed to be reminded.

I’m still nervous about confrontation, but I feel like I’m more than prepared. I also got some unexpected strength yesterday that I’ll share with you. I was looking through some old papers at work that I had in my desk. As I got to sorting through them, I came across some e-mail messages from WH that I believe are from right before the A started. I have no doubt in my mind that then, he was entirely in love with and committed to me. I found one where he wrote me a poem (yes, after 6 years of dating and 1 year of marriage, he was still writing me poetry the months before this A started). The poem was filled with the many reasons that he is in love with me.

It warmed my heart and gave me strength. I know that somewhere inside my WH exists my H, the man I’ve loved for years and the man I know loves me just as much. This may be a long process and he may think he loves her, but the truth is, he’s been IN LOVE with me for close to a decade. OW has no power over me and she doesn’t know how deeply WH has loved me – it will be her downfall.

On last thing – I know this is getting long – for those of you who have been following closely through my week, you know that I’ve been confused that WH has started giving me information as to his schedule again. Hadn’t happened in 3 months and now I start getting the info again. Well, this morning he sent me an e-mail. I expected something like “Flight is leaving on time” or something similar. His e-mails to me in the last 3 months have been few and far between and the ones I’ve gotten were very cold and unemotional. Then I got this:

“wow I totaly miss judged the time it takes to get to the airport. I thought it was like a 45 or 50 min train ride. No it was 1.5 hours plus I had to wait 35 min for the next train, that was an hour longer than I had anticipated. I was a running mo fo and was 30 min late but the
plane was delayed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> whew made it. Internet access on the plane, how cool is that?”

So I’m baffled by him again – this is the sort of light, happy, friendly e-mail I used to get from him before the A. And the fact it has a smiley face in it really gets me – he’s hardly shown me any emotion and smiling or showing happiness towards me has been non-existent. So I’m confused, but I thought I’d put that out there for you evaluation.

Thanks guys for boosting my spirits – you are all AWESOME!!!! I will be around until he gets home then will probably not be around for awhile, but like I said, as soon as I can log back in and give an update, I will do that.

I guess it's appropriate that he sits on the crapper to communicate with OW, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So, do you guys have a wireless router that provides the link to the laptop in the bathroom? Does it have a convenient button to disable the WAN? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

WAT, you are funny - I'd never thought of it that way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We do have a wireless router but I have no idea how to do what you just suggested - what would that do????
STINA

It would, er, interupt his movement, maybe? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Stina,
I have been reading your plans with interest and admiration.

You are one strong woman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The reason this even caught my eye is that I sat my H down and "presented" my H with 15 front and back legal pad pages of thoughts/feelings/questions, etc that I had documented over a 4 day out of town trip of his 3 days after d-day, and then carefully organized and prepared myself for our meeting.

Mine was a little different in that on d-day I called him home immediately after finding out (irrefutable proof...OWH found out and dragged her to my door to confess it to me), for the next 2 days I sort of wandered around my house in a tear-filled daze and he was quiet as a mouse. It was a godsend, his 4-day trip on the 3rd day. I carried a legal pad around the house with me all the time to write down everything that was in my head, then I totally organized it.

It was an excellent approach to the success of the more than 3 hour conversation we had when he got home and was THE building block to us getting together the beginnings of the idea of what recovering would look like.

Anyways, just wanted to encourage you that you sound well prepared. Stay calm during it. I thought maybe you might be a christian since you mentioned God in your tag line. I am a christian and I actually said a quick prayer in front of my H before beginning the "meeting" and also throughout the conversation I kept silently saying Holy Spirit, please sit in this room with us, please be right here with us. Guide my words and my responses. I said this over and over in my head during the hours we talked. I really felt His presence there.

This will be the beginning of a long and painful journey. I wish you well tonight stina.

Blessing,
Glad

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Oh...no comment - HA HA!

Glad,

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I am a Christian, in fact, between God and MB I think it's the only way I've managed to get through this.

I think it was a miracle that I found out about this the morning WH left on his week long trip. If I'd confronted him last week, like I know I would have if he'd been home, it would have been a disaster. I only stumbled on to MB that day because my therapist suggested it. So He's been guiding me along this rough road for the past week, I know he'll guide me through the confrontation and the days and weeks ahead.

Thanks again for keeping tabs on me and my story, it means a lot!

STINA

stina--
we were posting at the same time....just want to make sure you didn't miss my post on bottom of pg 1

Hang in there!
Glad

oops posting at same time again!

I was wondering how you prevented yourself from confronting him immediately! That was a hidden blessing indeed! You are ready.

I also found MB while he was gone and read everything on the site which helped me formulate some of my thinking and comments in my big presentation.

You have amazing strength...God-given no doubt. You will get through this.
Glad

Glad,
Yeah - I know I would have confronted him immediately had he been home - I don't think it would have been pretty and would have probably broken just about every MB rule in the book.

I literally got the proof I was looking for about 10 minutes after WH walked out the door to drive to the airport. So I think God was watching out for me last week!