Prayers for you today that you will be calm and your husband will agree to work on the marriage.

Well,

Here we go - he'll be home in about an hour.

Be strong Stina.

You CAN do this!!

Stay calm... don't waver...don't let ANYTHING he tells you knock you off your plan. He is guilty, and assume no other position. But remain calm and loving, and keep a lid on the "level" of the conversation. In other words, don't let it turn into a Love Busting fest.

Your cool, calm resolve will make a huge amount of difference. Likewise, try not to slip into a quivering mass of tears. It shows weakness, and is unbecoming, and is contradictory to the point you are making.

Best of luck!
SD

Ok, I can't find the Passport - he must have it in his pocket. However, I did find the actual receipts for the rental car and text messages from him to OW today as he was driving home!

I'm waiting for him to come out of the bathroom and then confronting.

YIKES! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I hope he wiped real good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Ok, so we had our confrontation - despite all my proof, he did deny like crazy. He even gave me real legitimate reasons for the proof I've got (even the one weekend where he came back early).

So now I don't know what to think - his reasons gave me enough questions and holes in the "proof" that I'm concerned about exposing - the last thing I want to do is pin something on innocent people. I think for now I've decided to Plan A, but keep my eyes open for anything else that seems suspicious. I never let out how I got my proof even though. I just couldn't get him to budge at all and I studied him closely, there was nothing in his body language that said he was worried or like he felt uncomfortable, no any of the things I was expecting to see if he was lying...so I'm confused now and just not sure about it all...

We talked for a really long time though. He's restated that he has been unhappy for awhile but trying to be happy for me. He says he's been unhappy with himself, unhappy with work and unhappy with how he and the work have effected us. He says he's felt suffocated.

I'm not sure where things really are at the moment...I guess I'll just Plan A and keep my eyes open for anything suspicious.

Wish I had better news...
STINA

I agree you have a good plan of action, but do not doubt yourself. You know what he is doing, so do not be snowed by his clever evasions and semi-truths. I've heard 'em too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just keep on being your same sweet self and he'll feel all the more rotten for doing what he's doing, and your Plan B will have that much more impact.

Very typical WS reaction. Now the fact he was able to keep a 'poker face' and make you doubt your proof..... is well, quite telling. However, the burden of proof is no longer on you but on him. So sit back and watch....if he is a WS, he will soon give you the proof you need. His 'unhappiness' will manifest itself into some very selfish tendancies which could even include blaming you for his state of mind or lack thereof. Just watch and listen.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

take care,
L.

((Stina)) I agree with orchid. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Take care and stay strong.

Can you tell we're not surprised by his typical performance?

Your self doubt is also typical.

I suggest you Plan A like you already recognize, but do not relax in your surveillance. All the while, allow him to believe he successfully snowed you. Keep watcing. He'll screw up. But even then, he'll deny.

Wonder why we refer to them as alien abductees? No earthly explanation will do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

stina - his "performance" is so, so, so, so typical. Part of the reason he's so believeable is because he probably actually believes he's justified for what he's doing. This is WS 101. Departure from reality. Delusion. That dopamine coursing through his brain is powerful stuff. Ever try to reason with a drunk? Same thing.

Stay strong and do not discount exposure.

WAT

so what exactly was his excuse for the i love you's??? how the heck did he explain that away????

I was wondering that myself...

Here's my advice..

if it looks like crap

if it smells like crap

IT'S CRAP!!! Not manure, not fertilizer..IT IS CRAP!!! So no matter what he says...when he says it...don't trust it...that trust needs to be eanred...by his actions not his words....cause I want you to remeber the words you saw that were text'd.....

best of luck...

Hi stina,

You are so strong.

I ask along with Nikko...what was his response to the more obvious stuff like i love you's?

Plan a and stay calm...sounds like you have a gift for being like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have no doubt had the OW herself not come to my door and talked to me, my H would not have been forthcoming with acknowledgeing what he had done. I was able to just tell him what I know for a fact, instead of asking him about suspicious things. I see how fortunate I was in that now.

All are right, he will give himself up if its truly an A. He will probably go really undercover with it for a week to make sure you are off his trail. Stay diligent and pleasantly plan A. Document everything.

I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. It stinks so bad (((stina))).

I will continue to bring you before the throne in prayer.
Blessings,
Glad

Good job. My husband lied and lied with a very straight face. Even my attorney believed his story that there was no other woman.

Now that he has been living with her for 3 years, people know that he was lying.

My husband even had excuses for the hotel bill. He told me he took off from work during the day to go there and think.

Tina, you have hotel bills and a passport showing he wasn't where he should have been and he lied about it. What kind of excuse did he give you? Come on. He missed a very important family event, right? I told you he would try to gaslight you. Read Mulan's thread about gaslighting. I think you'll see your WH in the description she posted.

Stina - When a happily married husband suddenly no longer wants to have a child, no longer wants sex, and isn't sure he wants to stay married, look for another woman.

I am sure he is having an affair.

He is no longer the man you loved and married. You want to trust him, but he is not trustworthy.

I think I would ask him to find another job, and see what he says.

Well,H and I have talked some more, I feel like I'm headed for a mix of Plan A and B. WH? has said that he needs some time alone. He feels suffocated in his life. Between me and work and his internal unhappiness he feels he should "just be alone". I still see in him that there is a huge weight on his shoulders...maybe guilt? I'm just not sure right now. There was a hopelessness in him that I don't think I've ever seen before - it actually scared me.

At any rate, I know that I've felt one of our biggest problems was our move to California. Nothing against CA, but I've always felt like the pace of life here and what it takes to be able to live on a daily basis will just suck everything out of a person.

H and I have discussed a trial separation. Time for him to "just be alone". The plan is as follows - we will get our current house fixed up and ready to sell. In the meantime, we will look for a job and a place for me to live in North Carolina. I've always wanted to live there (I grew up in Virginia) and he says that NC is the only place he was ever happy and thinks he could be happy there again. With that in mind, I would move to NC and he would stay in CA. Hopefully our current house would sell by then. He would get a small apartment or rent a room somewhere near to his son. We would take a 3-4 month break/separation and would keep communicating with each other. After the 3-4 months, he would take a leave of absense from work and come be with me for a minimum of 2 months. We would readjust the time he is with me to be longer as necessary. If things work out, then he would move to be with me in NC and we would worry about the logistics with his son later.

I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, with what I've read - if I do go and he really is having an A, then it should run it's course and die in that time. If he isn't having an A then he's got his alone time. For me, hopefully the separation does like a Plan B where he starts realizing everything he's lost, starts to miss me and then when that time is up, he'll be able to come back to me. At the same time, during that time I could find the closure in the relationship I need to be able to move on.

I might note, several times last night when he said that he wanted to be alone and indicated he wanted to divorce, I said that if that was what he wanted then it was his responsibility, he would have to go and get it. I don't believe in divorce so I won't go do it. He would then avoid the topic. Basically he wouldn't allow himself to be the one to go and get the D.

I don't know right now what to do. I want to beleive that there is no A going on, but I'm still extremely suspicious. I'm keeping my mouth shut though, trying to Plan A for now and keep my eyes wide open. I figure if there is an affair, I'll see more proof of it in time. Not sure how to keep going forward and deal with this trial separation thing though.

Don't leave. This plan is right out of the WS handbook. He wants space to have his affair. With you out of the way, th infidels can have at it. Separation is the thing that will end your marriage.

A seperation allows him to have more time with her. If after the discussion last night he is talking sepeation, it seems more obvious that he is in an affair.

Tell him you do not do seperations - you do not do divorce- you only do marriage.

Tell him the seperation plan is warped- ask him to work wity you on the marriage for 3-4 months then re-evaluate that.

Tell him you will go to NC when he does. Until then, you are a couple and you will live like a couple.

If you go to NC without him, who do YOU think will be sleeping on your side of the bed?