Of course you know we are all dying to hear his explanations of the "I love you", and coming back early and staying in a hotel, and not telling you about it.

And why he loved you up till Valentines Day and wanted to have a baby, and now he wants you on the other side of the country.

All,
I understand what you are all telling me and I am not saying you are wrong, at the same time, I feel like I need more proof to "get him with" before I can nail him down and confront again. Do not take this as me in denial, because I felt this way all week, but on the VERY rare chance there is not an A involved, I can't push this any farther right now. I could enver forgive myself if I went ahead and exposed and got innocent people fired.

Again, not saying you are wrong, nor am I dismissing the proof I already found - but I feel like I need more. He dodged EVERY bullet with me.

I've done a lot of thinking today and for now I'm going to Plan A it for now. Like you said, he will now be trying harder to cover his tracks, but if I keep my eyes open, I'll notice and I'll find more proof. But I need to take that time.

Also, I made a decision on the "trial separation". I've decided that I will tell him that I'll go, but he will go with me. We will first have a trial period together where we see if the change of atmosphere helps him. After that, should he still feel like he needs time alone - we can talk about that then. This may sound naive to all of you - however I think it will say a lot to me if he won't do it. There really is no reason why he shouldn't agree to this plan if there is nothing going on. It is the same as the original plan except we all go to the east coast together.

As for the I love u's - of course he wouldn't give me much of an explanation for that which was really telling. I know I sound stupid, I guess. I don't really believe him but I can't get him to budge at all right now - at the same time, I just feel like he's either come up with an excuse or just put a brick wall in front of me on everything I've tried to get him with...I need to keep snooping until I can find something that he can't work his way out of.

I mean, what else can I do when he's wormed his way out of everything I put in front of him? I'm not giving up yet, but I feel at the moment that I don't have much of a choice other than to be vigilant and Plan A.

So don't feel like I'm in denial - maybe I was last night, but right now I am still keeping my eye on him and I'll do that. I'm just praying that God will help me find the real proof I need.

The trip he came home early on - well, we were having troubles awhile before that even with the talk of having babies and stuff - I'll give him that one. I'm not sure if we thought a baby would be a fix in the relationship or what we thought. At any rate, he says that he was acting excited about having a baby to make me happy. The honest truth is that I was always the one wanting to have children and he really (I'm not making excuses, this one is true) was never quite sure about it.

The trip part, he says that because of the problems we were already having, he wanted to get away for a few days so he didn't tell me about it because he didn't think I'd let him have that time to himself to think.

Any further questioning I've done he won't give me answers.

Again, I think its a good story, but I don't know that I really beleive it.

Like I said, I'm doing Plan A right now in the hopes that I can find some more proof - I don't feel like I've got much of a choice right now. I'm not letting him get this "separation" from me until I just can't get out of it.

That's a good plan. Ask him if the two of you can leave together. If he is having an affair, he will never go for it. Although these WS's are tricky. He could tell you he quit work, tell work he is going on vacation, and then pick a fight.

*** . . . he didn't think I'd let him have that time to himself to think.***

Please remember what "time to himself to think" really means.

Whatever you do, do NOT leave the marital home. Not unless you fear he may become abusive. Your leaving can be viewed as abandonment. If he wants out so badly, make HIM be the one to pack up and go.

If you really feel you have no choice, then get a legal separation before you leave.

But - if you want your marriage, moving out should be the absolutely dead last option you consider.
Mulan

Can you put a key-logger on the computer?

Buy a GPS that will tell where he drives and at what time?

Slimy creatures, these WSs.

Slimy and slippery.

I say expose now.

Assuming you won't, hire a PI. But he'll deny that's him in the pictures.

Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant.

Please summarize what you know about OW?

WAT

I don't know that I could put a key logger on the computer - it's a work laptop and very password. My work laptop is the same way.

OW is their office manager. She's probably 2-3 inches shorter than me (I'm 5'7"). Short hair, glasses (the business sort of look). Skinny little thing - I'm thin, but curvy...don't remember her being very curvy. Always seemed friendly, the only time I've really worried about her was that one time at the company Christmas party when she got drunk and threw herself at a bunch of the men.

Right now I'm just trying to pay attention to what he does and if anything sends up the red flags again. Trying to stall on separation as long as possible and will bring up him moving with me later today. I just don't feel right with exposing at this moment. I'm still definitely prepared to do that, but something inside me says this isn't the right time - has nothing to do with him or the things he's said...it's something deeper in me that says this isn't the right time. Maybe it's God, maybe its my gut, But right now is not the right time for exposure.

]

Stina, this is a lie. One does not have to get a hotel room to "think." You can think anywhere. Hon, I hate to tell you this, but you are being conned. He is having an affair and is leaving you for the other woman. You already have all the evidence you need. You do not need his admission to know the truth.

You are wasting time getting bogged down in this wishful thinking over his lies. I know you want to believe his lies, but we both know there is no truth in them. I know you know this, Stina. You are not this gullible.

You are wasting valuable time by going along with this pretense. Why not tell him you know the truth and explain to him that you can deal with the truth, not lies?

p.s. and whatever you do, don't participate in any seperation schemes or agree to "move." That will only make it easier for him to dump you for what is probably a short term affair.

Let me know when it's time. Until then read this: Affair Exposure 102 - Help Yourself

WAT

Tina, there never IS a perfect time for exposure. You can't wait for the sun and moon and mars to all be in precise alignment for it to be "right."

What you think is a gut instinct is actually trepidation. You're afraid if this gets out of the privacy of your own home, your husband is going to be madder than you've ever seen him, he'll shout something like he can't trust you ever again. He'll pack his bags and leave. THAT is what you're afraid of...that and the embarrassment, right? You wouldn't believe how few times that actually happens. Even if a wayward spouse does, he or she comes home after a remarkably short time. Look, if you do not break up this adultery, it will break up your marriage. You've got to do the hard things, Tina, or your marriage is over.

If you give in to that nonsense about you moving out, you're giving up the ship, Lady. You're giving in to your fears. Listen, the only thing worse than making a bad bargain with your husband is following through on it. Tell him. Be up front with him that you are a couple and YOU are not moving out, period. If you leave by yourself, you will BE by yourself.

Tina, you made great plans for the confrontation but you forgot to read the admonitions against accepting bs explanations. You've bought into some abject nonsense. The "time to think" excuse has been used by wayward spouses forever. If he used that one, he'll use "I need a little space" line also, sooner or later. Lady, you're seeing lots of folks trying to warn you of what's coming at you. Please listen. They've been where you are now. They KNOW what's coming.

Well, this isn't the right time for exposure because you are scared....I get that....NOONE want to expose. Your fears are normal, albeit NOT rational and probably not helpful to your marriage longterm...but it is your choice.

In the mean time, you can take comfort in the fact that YOU HAVE BECOME the main enabler of this affair....By denying the stark reality of this affair, you have now knowingly endorsed this. You'll have to someday live with that regret and anger towards yourself when you realize this. But, alas, you are an adult and have every right to do as you are doing. You can take solace that you will be 100% responsible for the outcome of your life. There is something to be said for that. Some Betrayed Spouses never get the chance to make that decision for themselves. At least you did.

Goodluck

Lem

Lemonman,

Good to see you posting. Thanks for helping. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mahalo,
L.