Actually, D2, I (for one) don't have any problem with what you're doing. It is absolutely your choice whether to safeguard your children first and set working on a (new) marriage aside for now. Whenever the wayward spouse begins talking about taking the children out of the home and using the word "divorce," it puts the betrayed spouse in a special situation where working on the marriage often must take second place. With your wife’s history, I think you’re taking the logical course. Your plan to attend to the children's safety first seems imminently sound to me.

I think you’re getting excellent advice from your attorney. As a retired military veteran, I understand completely the value of quick, decisive moves and it sounds like he’s got one in the works that will rival “shock and awe” in its effect. Good going. I had a feeling that bit about having sex in the same room with the boy was going to be a powerful piece of evidence. I can just imagine being on a jury or being the judge sitting on the bench in family court when that is brought up. Can you say, “Slam dunk?”

Is the OM being named as a correspondent in the action? If so, that will serve quite nicely as exposure to OMW. Also, does your state still have “alienation of affection” statutes still on the books? If it does, OM can be sued and required to pay damages to you for what he’s done. At some point in the future, I strongly suggest you have a talk with the husband of that friend of your WW who is having an affair. That man has the right to make a decision on whether to address the problems in his marriage or not. He might not want to, but he deserves the courtesy of having the choice.

Please don’t fall out of contact, D2. Give us regular updates. Heck, if you post daily, that would be even better. We’re invested in your situation now and we’ll be happy to continue to support you through this.

Hey all,
I am not trying to fall out of contact on purpose. Just very, VERY busy. So thanks for understanding that I need to take the route of protecting my children 1st. I really felt that I just HAVE to keep them in mind above all else. So it was nice to see from a 3rd party that my reasoning actually makes sense.

So the other night I was in the vicinity of my in-laws (without WW or the kids). So I stopped in; not knowing what I would say; but feeling that I just had to try talking with them. The last time I saw them, I could tell in their body language that they couldn’t make heads or tails out of WW’s behaviors. So I really wanted to get a chance to speak with them again in person before the roof blows off of this whole powder-keg.

For the 1st hour or so, it didn’t seem like any deep conversation was going to take place. But when it finally did, it came SO natural from both sides. Like we just had years of bottled up concerns and fears. We spent at least 5 more hours in deep conversation about WW, family history, etc. I was careful to take my lawyer’s advice; I did not mention the A yet, nor that I filed for D already. But I don’t even think that I will need to even mention the A to them, I think that WW’s actions have already suggested her questionable behavior to even her own parents. They are very concerned for her. They think she is making some very bad family decisions; and being very irrational.

It is killing me that I haven’t been able to tell in-laws that I already filed for divorce. So when my lawyer gets word that WW will be served, I will tell the in-laws the night before. They already agree that our children’s best interest is most important. So it shouldn’t take much convincing them that they will have to help me regulate her access to money and where she can take the children. I hope some family persuasion from her side will make her realize how desperately our children need her to return to being a “REAL Mother”.

But here is the biggest news in how I am feeling. My in-laws said a few things about some behavior that WW has exhibited. It all makes sense now. It makes sense of what she is doing. And it makes sense (in hindsight) of our entire 10 year history together. So what I am getting at is, I just can’t see myself really trying to give marriage a fair shot with her. She would need so much change to meet my definition of being happy. I just got my copy of SAA (FINALLY!) and will be reading it anyways. But honestly, I just can’t ever see myself trusting her as she is. And I would find it hard to believe that she would finally seek ample help now after 32 years of living that way on Earth. I just need to keep my kids' best interest in mind. I will call it a success if I can get her to do the same. Anything else? Gravy.

AFTER WW is served, I plan to limit her to $50/week until a court orders me otherwise. I will pay for anything and everything relating to the children. And obviously WW still has her room under this roof; access to a vehicle, groceries, kitchen, laundry, etc. But I will not going enable WW’s fantasy excursions. And I won’t allow my children to enter into her perverted mix. Also I will notify OMW; hopefully that should give me some breathing room too in protecting my children.

Hopefully the soap opera will really come to an end soon.

Sorry for the long write-up, instead of daily posts. But man is it difficult right now. Thanks again for all of the support. It really does help.
--d2m3b.

Thanks for the update, pardner. When is the attorney going to pull the trigger on this? Is there an event or set of conditions he's waiting for?

Stay strong, guy. It's not going to be fun, but I think you're doing the right thing. The children must be protected.

Ooops, I thin I hit delete instead of edit somewhere along the line.

So I finally received my processed divorce packet from the court. My attorney mailed it off to the Sheriff’s office on Friday. So my WW should be served on Tuesday. (Maybe as early as Monday or as late as Wednesday).

I am ready for her to throw every word in the book at me. But I will not be responding. Instead I will:
- Notify her that I know about her affair.
- Express to her that I firmly believe it to be 100% unacceptable for our child to be present in that hotel room.
- Notify her that I am canceling the reservations for her (& my 7yo son’s) trip.
- Notify her that she will only have $50/week to spend as she wishes. I will continue to purchase everything to run the household as I have been. Our joint banking account will be closed. She will be removed from all of my credit cards. I will provide her a pre-paid cell phone, and remove her current cell from my name.
- I will inform her that it is illegal for her to take the kids out of the country w/o my express permission. If she attempts it, I will notify border patrol to be on the look out for her.
- I will express to her that it is a VERY bad deal, in my opinion, for her to take the kids 8 hours away from me and only let me see them every other weekend.
- I will express to her that I am willing to enter into mediation with her. But will not negotiate with her outside of mediation or court; definitely not in front of the children. First and foremost I would like to develop a temporary parenting plan for the summer; defining exactly when she will be allowed to take the children out of the country. After that, I am open to negotiating other aspects of the divorce.

So after all of that, I will expect 2nd round of intense swearing. But I will remain cool, calm, & collected.

I will NOT tell her that my next step in to notify OMW about the affair. So I’m sure a 3rd round of explicit language will follow from her a day later.

Our temporary hearing is scheduled for July 12th. That is much sooner than I had anticipated. But still seems a loooong ways away; as I will expect some pretty dismal living conditions until then. Yes… even more dismal than they already are.

Theses days I don’t know what to think of reconciliation. If she is ever legitimate about it, then maybe I could begin building trust in her again. But that is going to be the big thing right now. The trust is gone. I just do NOT and can not trust her. I think that she may need to willingly address her own issues for herself before I can ever truly open myself up to her again. She needs to be happy with herself 1st. In the mean time, I will just keep working on myself and for my boys. If reconciliation never comes, I will still have my own self improvements to show for the effort. So either scenario will be fine by me.

Thanks for listening,
--d2m3b.

wow. you are a brave man. great job protecting what's yours.

thoughts are with you.

Your discipline and self control are amazing. Not many people could keep their cool, knowing that their spouse is behaving like your WW. Your kids are lucky to have one decent parent.

I cringe to think what's ahead of you, but you've shown that you can handle it. I feel sorry for OMW too, but she needs to know what a scumbag that she's married to.

Take care of yourself and I hope everything turns out for the best for you and your kids.

GU,
Thank you.

Yes, I even amaze myself right now. One thing that I cannot regret out of all of this mess was my decision to work on bettering myself. The “old me” was plagued with a short temper and angry out bursts. But that all stopped a few days after New Year’s Day. I made an active decision to change. My will to do so, alone, was a very good start in controlling my temper. But now I even meditate for stress relief. It is absolutely unbelievable how easy it is to maintain a temper without stress. Enough so, that I can easily even allow my WW’s Independent Behavior & Disrespectful Judgments roll right off my shoulders.

Of course even if my WW could see all of my changes through her fog, she considers them to be too little, too late. I think that what it really boils down to is she does not want to do any work on herself. She wants to keep herself the way she is. She prides herself on her non-conventional attributes. She thinks she and OM are soul mates. Sometimes I fantasize that the OMW leaves OM; allowing my WW & OM to be together for real… I could only count the seconds until that one self-destructed. Then I smile and get back reality.

At least I see the changes in myself. I can feel that my kids see my positive changes. My few friends that know about this saga tell me how great I am doing. My therapist thinks I am right on par with weeding through such a stressful situation, as best as one can. And my attorney believes that I am acting very appropriately in taking the high road.

But with that said, it still don’t think that I could put a price on the support I get at this site; from total anonymous strangers that have been in the same situation; regardless of which side of the fence.

Thanks again to you all. All of the support really does make a difference.
--d2m3b.

I am trying to prepare myself to not be shocked if OMW says, “So? Let him go.” when I expose. Any one been in this situation? Any advice?

My WW facetiously recommended several years ago that I turn to an extra-marital affair for my sexual needs. There is just NO WAY I could ever do that. I just see it as common courtesy to shut one shop down before opening another with conflicting interests. Is that such a FOREIGN idea to all of these WSs??!!
--d2m3b.

D2 - I kind of got a "so" from OMW. She was looking for a way out of the M and had served him with papers by the time I reached her. Our conversation did cause friction between OM and WW. Even as OM was being served papers he was lying to his W about the A.

BTW - what evidence suggests that OMW encouraged extra-martial activity? Even if this is the case, surely she has a boundry. Hopefully the evidence you have overwhelmingly crosses that boundry.

Not that I really worry about how the OMW will react…
But it would be worst if she says, “So?”, and is willing to overlook the A in order to maintain the rest of their M.

If OMW says, “So? I am divorcing him anyways.” Then for my situation, I see that being as good as if OMW tenaciously fights to end OM’s A. Either way the fantasy is busted. I could honestly let my WW try to make it work with OM. I strongly believe that they think the inconveniences, and annoyances of our physical reality do not apply to their A. They are soul mates after all. =) Let them prove it to me. More power to them if they are correct. The cage door is open, and I am stepping out of the way.
--d2m3b.

IMO divorce is bad. Gets out of the way of the A. Divorce dug my WW and OM deeper into the fantasy.

Tell OMW you are working on saving your M, does she want to save hers? If so you can work together. Don't hold back on any of the evidence you have. I'm sure you won't.

D2 - are you sure you want your WW back?

That’s a tricky Q MDC… And the answer has been sliding lately. Yes, I want a happy relationship with WW for our kids’ sake. My confidence is waning for the chances of her ever seeking the help that I see her needing. Thus my hopefulness of ever reconciling with her is diminishing. I can only hope and pray that she will wake up enough to want to get help for herself. It is a shame that I had to file for divorce, but my children’s safety is entering the mix now. I feel that I need to legally protect them and myself, regardless of reconciliation chances.
--d2m3b.

Completely understand what you mean about WW wanting to help herself. I'm in the same boat. Fearful that WW will not be able to turn the corner on personal issues that were very much a part of the A to begin with. But then I think - I completely changed out of this. Maybe she can too.

Thing is you just don't know until the alien has vacated her body. Once the A is over, only then can she begin to THINK about working on herself. And that will take time. Months. At least.

You're doing ALL the right things. Your actions are heroic. Keep at it. As much as possible, try not to worry about the potential of your WW's mental/emotional health. When ever I thought about it, the situation just looked hopeless. Too many hills to climb.

Do you see potential in your M? Do you see how it CAN be a wonderful M? If you do then hang on to that until all this garbage is over.

It is a shame you had to file. Again I admire you for being smart about the situation and protecting what's yours. Very level-headed.

d2 - there's a BH, verloren, on the Just Found Out board with a WW who is talking about moving to Puerto Rico and taking the kids. I linked him to your sitch in my repsonse. You may want to go over there and post to him...

d2 - doing OK?

Hi all.
Sorry for the dead-air. Updating as I can.. VERY busy week. I need some answers from yall, but I know I won’t get them from you in time. I need “real-time” here; moving at the speed of life. Oh well, I will stick w/my gut; even though I am confused as to which plan/stage I am in. Read on…

So my wife was finally served w/D on Tuesday evening as I was firing up the kids’ bath. I then executed my plan to the T; including addressing A, stopping her trip w/son, financial separation, exposure to OMW.
I remained cool as cucumber. She reacted text-book typical. As amazing as birth to actually witness 1st hand; couldn’t believe it. I broke out in a smile and small laugh several times that I had to conceal in a respectful manner. I took notes on her reaction until I could no longer keep up at about round 12 or so. There were probably about 20 rounds over 2 days. It was all classic “text-book”, so I will just stick to the basics for now. I have more important questions below.

Toward end of Day Wednesday, she still only admitted to small pieces of the entire A. Leaving many half truths and lies in place. I think she was baffled when I told her the sex doesn’t bother me; it’s the lies and deceitfulness. She still denied PA most of the time; but not at other times; very weird; could she not keep up with her own knowledge of what she told me? I kept reinforcing that I already know the whole story and needed to hear the whole truth from her so that I could trust her enough to negotiate our children’s best interest. Even w/o admitting everything, she agreed to put a temporary parenting plan in place with me until out temporary trial. This will allow kids to visit her family without me loosing out on my access time with them. But then OM got the word back to my WW that I exposed to OMW. Oh boy… text-book reaction.

So here is the kicker(S), yes plural, start. Later at night, she came up in the realization that I had been “spying on her” as she put it. She said that she understood why I had done it. But could it stop now. She wanted my promise; in writing. I told her that I would not provide anything in writing, but that I felt no immediate need to see what she is up to; since D was now served and trip w/son was halted. (Those were my 2 main sticking point the entire 2 days) I told her I could stop for now as long as she gave me no further reasons. Of course she was not really satisfied with that answer. Still without admitting to full affair, she asked if I could please let her write to somebody that she really cares about to make sure he is all right, w/o fear of me spying. I assume she then went down and did just that. I did not check. I truly don’t feel the need to know; I have effectively put ample protection in place already for myself and my kids.

So like I said… kickers as in plural. I didn’t get to sleep until after 1 in the morning. I was woken up as soon as I hit deep sleep with my door opening and the light being flipped on. I was TOTALLY OUT commission, and couldn’t make sense out of what was really even going on. WW, proceeded to clear off “her” side of the bed. I had been lazily storing my clean laundry and business suitcase there for the past 4 months. She put her pillow on the bed. She flipped out the light. Removed her pants for bed; and proceeded to climb into bed. I was so groggy I just could NOT make out what was going on. I sat on the edge of the bed for about 2 or 5 minutes trying to come to. I was really not feeling like sleeping in the same bed as her; especially not knowing what she was up to. I was about to go down and sleep on the couch; but instead asked. “What is going on?” She said that she didn’t feel like being alone, down in her room. I figure, what does that really have to do with me, and proceeded to get up to go sleep downstairs. She asked what I was doing. I hesitated and said that I just don’t know. She then tells me “It is ALL over”; meaning the A. I start thinking, how can that be? She didn’t even fully admit to it. She asks me to come back to bed. I remain at the door in hesitation. She asks, “Is it possible for us to still work something out?” I am already in such a rift with myself. Many of you have already asked me if I want to save my M, or just protect myself and my kids. So you know that although I would love a healthy M, that I just don’t trust that she really wants to change herself, and don’t believe she would respect Harley’s principles. So after about 30 seconds of thought, I tell her, “[Name], I just don’t know what to tell you. I am exhausted and totally confused right now. She asks again for me to come to bed; this time she adds that “we haven’t kissed, hugged, or even touched in months; can I just lay down to see how it goes”. I wait for about another 30 seconds and say, “All I can really say right now is that it is not impossible.” And tell her that I am going to take a shower.

In the shower, I tried to think if she was being sincere or not. I figured that since I have already protect myself and my children; then maybe I should embrace her right now instead of pushing her further away. I thought, what do I have to loose? Then I realized that I am ready to leave her right now w/o any regret; that I have already gone through “the worst of it”, to get to this point; and there is a potential that I would have go through it ALL OVER AGAIN if I opened my heart to her again and things fail. I don’t know that I have ever felt so scared in my life. I asked God what I should do. I suddenly had the thought that I at least need to stay true to my original goal; make sure that I have done all I can do to save this marriage for my kids. So after my shower, I went back in and laid down on the edge of the bed. She was already sleeping. I didn’t feel like touching her; but thought about what Dr. Harley says about building positive habits by coaching through the motions. I eventually worked my way over to her and put my arm around her. After a minute or so, it felt good. And soon, I was massaging her neck and stroking her hair, as she unconsciously sighed with approval. I probably only got 2 winks of sleep the rest of the night; but I did not break body contact with her until she got up when the kids went downstairs looking for her.

So I am really in state on confusion as to what to do right now. Actually as I am writing this, things seem to coming more clearly to me. I know that I need to reaffirm to her that saving our marriage is possible, right? I need to make the policy of NC w/OM crystal clear to her. And at the risk of re-isolating her, she needs to understand that the policies of JA & RH are absolutely mandatory to right our marriage on its tracks. She must come 100% clean with me about everything. That I should never need to view her emails w/o her permission, because I should ALWAYS have her permission. And vice-versa.

I will remind her that I am not forcing her into this marriage. If she is not interested, then we can let the D follow its course. I will express that, indeed it IS an uphill battle for us. But it would be worth every effort once we reach that marital nirvana state. I probably also need to be sensitive to her inevitable depression that will set in now that their soul mate fantasy has collapsed, right? But I shouldn’t give her too much of an excuse in this area, should I? But she has had depression before; and WW does not take like taking advice from others about it. I will have to remind her that I left a copy of HNHNfP on the counter for her in April and that it has not been touched. Hopefully she will read it. But I will not be surprised if she is turned off by PoJA & RH.

I want to make sure that we go ahead and get a temporary parenting plan submitted to the court though, so I can remain confident about either of us taking the children across the border. If she is willing, then I would probably start phone counseling w/Harley’s too. But right now I am not getting too hopeful.

So this just in. Apparently my WW received an email from OMW. I do not know the contents yet. I was on a business call when WW told me. But WW told me that the A is over for good. That she will not be seeing OM in person or on internet again. She still wants to go on the trip that she planned with my son, but alone. She wants to see the other people that she had organized daytime events with. She asked how I would feel about that. I said I am open to talk about it after my call. I am sure she has lied to many if not all of those people. So I don’t know what her real plans on the trip are. I assume to save face as best as possible. I will tell her that I will not stop her from going on that trip. But she needs to start RH immediately if she wants US to improve. She is an adult and can do what she wants, but don’t plan on me letting myself or the children get needlessly hurt by her thoughtlessness.

Oh boy. Thanks for the vent. Maybe I answered all of my own Qs. But advice is always welcomed. Not too sure how much time I will have to read it today.

--d2m3b.

Hi there, D2M3B. I lost track of you there for a while. So you heard all of the standard invective when you confronted her huh? Believe me, I don't know where it is, but there must be a manual for wayward spouses out there somewhere they all study closely because they do all say darn near the same things.

I had thought you weren't going to expose based on your attorney's advice. What happened there? Was it some problem that went away once the divorce petition was filed?

I have a sense your wife may be instinctively trying to seduce you, but I don't know to what degree. Be careful about having SF with her. I would check with your attorney before you do because in some states having sex with a wayward spouse in these circumstances constitutes "condoning the adultery." Make sure you do not weaken your case just now.

I know you have enough ammunition to file for divorce using adultery as the reason and you don't need any more, but I'm not sure I'd stop sampling what she's doing on line completely. You might be able to find out what she's thinking of doing in the near term, for instance. Frankly, who ELSE is she talking to besides OM?

I'm curious as to why she still wants to come along on your business trips. Who are these people she wants to see? It would seem to me most of her pre-planned activities were with the OM, so what does she have left she wants to do? Most of all, would you be going along with her? I recommend you be suspicious...be very suspicious.

Well, you have things well under way, friend. Stay with your program.

I agree with LH, you should not agree with WW that she goes on the trip. Why would you think that she will not shag with OM as they planned before? Her words? PLLLEEEAAASSSE. She is still a WW, and it is way too early to trust her. She will come up with all kinds of explanation, but you have to be realistic about this. Your WW is not be trusted!

I also don’t understand your logic of promising that you will stop spying on WW. You cannot give up your ammunitions until your WW has proved that she is serious about recovery. It is too early to tell. You trust WW and compromise prematurely at your own peril. You are doing well. Stay with your plan, until WW gives you reasons through ACTIONS to behave otherwise.

Be hopeful but cautious.

lh, good to hear from you again.

UVA & lh,
The deal with the lawyer was that exposing to OMW was OK; that is easy to damage control since it is a natural response that happens all the time. She just wanted me to wait until my WW had been served. I called OMW about 16 hours later.

Don’t worry about me letting her SF me. I am not interested at this stage. And she will need to admit to a lot more and pass an STD screen first. I even cut-off the end of my left over sandwich the other day because she took a bite of it when I was not around. Maybe I’m a germ-o-phobe; but it also burns me up when she kisses the kids right before I am about to. Doh! Get the kids a kooties shot!!

Getting back to serious though, I think my real situation is that I am just too exhausted at this point to plan-A WW. It has been a looooong 6 months. Filing Plan-D already accomplished what it was supposed to, plus more w/exposure to OMW: My kids are safe & I will have a fair shot a keeping equal access to them. The chance to plan-A WW was not expected; she just showed up in my bed last night & toned her voice down all day today; enough so that our arguments became discussions for the most part. I am weary enough though, that I think I really need to give Plan-B (via Plan D) a solid shot. Unless plan-A becomes near effortless. But I tell ya’… I am so tired right now.

And in Plan-B/D, do I really care if she goes on the trip on her own money? She is NOT taking the kids; and she has already been served in our state. And she is supposed negotiate and allow me to file the temporary parenting plan tomorrow. So I say, she is a big girl, go make all the mistakes that she wants. And if I feel the need to snoop again, I probably will. But for now I feel amply protected. That’s all that I said verbally to her; didn’t really make it a promise. I would imagine that she would beef up her security anyways; where I would need a new method.

WW did let me read both the OMW’s email & OM’s email that she received late last night. They are actually real NC letters. OM said, “ this is the end. OMW is crushed. You and I were selfish. This is my final email to you. Goodbye.” OMW ripped WW hard; said, “you turned my life upside-down. I solely blame you and OM. Do not contact either of us ever again.” To put an exclamation point on it, OMW sent her email from OM’s secret account to WW’s secret account. And all this happened before OMW could even read any of the proof I emailed her; just the 3 minute phone call alone. WW is distraught that OMW is hurt so badly. Of course my WW says that my exposure caused OMW’s pain; guess WW can’t read the OMW’s email too well through the fog.

WW’s fog lifted a little today, a couple of times. I got her to admit how much she loves OM, how much he means to her; that she will need time to get over him; And does not know where we stand, but knows that she does not love me right now. I told her that I could understand and sympathize with all of that; and that truths like that are not what hurts me; it all of the lies and half-truths. She still is not quite getting that point yet though. But whenever she tried to blame me for exposing the A the wrong way and causing OMW’s pain; I put my foot down and said that I had to disagree on that point. I think that that will be here new sticking point for a little while now. She is not in my bed tonight. But then again… it is only 10:30 & her pillow is still here. She probably thinks that she is making a point. I will be pointing to how better rested I am in the morning. =)

So after today, I really think I’m going set the cruise control at a moderate speed towards completing Plan-D. I won’t be racing to Plan-D; If she wakes up in time and makes it easy for me to Plan-A her, then Plan-D can be stopped. But even if Plan-D completes. I have told WW about 5 times since February that D is no reason that we still can’t eventually reconcile; but that I wasn’t settling for any half solutions; like me moving out. And I reminded her of that again today. She always tells me through the fog that I am doing to little, too late. I told her today, that in the future she may hear me tell her she does “too little” when it is the case, but I could never hear myself telling her that it is “too late”.

Oh boy… I need to sleep. See yall later.
--d2m3b.