You're posts make me cry. Add those to the numerous tears shed over the last month. My only plan at this point is to print off these messages and give them to my H. He has made the statement that NC may be only the only answer, so hopefully he'll be more receptive now.

Truth be told, I sent an email to the OW this morning, who believes this is NOT an EA. She seems to be fueling the fire by emailing him all the time. I basically told her in so many words to back off before I expose her to her own H and friends. How stupid was that?

Where do I find Plan A on the website? I'm sorry to bother, but I don't feel like searching for it myself. Thanks!

Debby

Uhmm....Debby.... plan A info is available in the concepts section, in the book Surviving an Affair and a few links here on MB.

I realize you don't feel like 'searching for it yourself' but that exercise is just what you need to help you move forward.

It would not be fair for me t/d 'enable' you and slow down your healing process. Remember this is a voluntary site. None of us get paid to post here.

L.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I'll find it - probably already read it unknowingly.

Debby

gsdlover, please listen to what everyone is saying. This is so important. NC is absolutely necessary! Period! End of discussion!

Your WS will try to bargain for contact to try to keep it going somehow. Don't let him. This part is pretty much non negotiable. It will never end if there is any kind of contact at all.

Something else. How do you know that it hasn't become physical? Did he tell you that? Do you have some evidence that leads you to beleive that it hasn't?

My XWW tried to explain to me that her A had not become physical when I showed her logs of her and OM talking about having sex in the shower the previous weekend.

All I'm trying to say here is he has betrayed your trust. Do not trust him, trust what you can verify. Check phone records, check his email, install keyloggers. Verify things for yourself.

You're in a very bad situation here but there is hope for recovery if he makes some drastic changes.

I wish you the and your H the best!

Debby, you are twisting Marriage Builders principles to avoid conflict, dear. Dr. Harley says very clearly that no contact IS NOT a negotiable issue. That is because there will be no recovery unless contact ends.

Insisting on no contact IS NOT a lovebuster. It is not a selfish demand. You will not have a marriage to save if you don't insist on no contact because recovery is impossible.

Do you understand what I am saying? If there is contact, there will be no recovery. You cannot change that reality, unfortunately.

Here are Dr. Harley's words again:

"In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible."

Debby, do you mean to tell me that you have NOT exposed this to her husband? YOU ARE RIGHT, THAT IS STUPID! Her husband must be told PRONTO. Why have you NOT told her husband? Whose side are you on?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Please listen to MelodyLane.

It is impossible for your marriage to recover while there is contact.

You must expose this affair to kill it once for all.

You ignore this advice and you will be back here very quickly with your worst nightmares realised.

Seriously.

Debby - if contact remains, she will lure your husband away from you.

Do not worry about letting the cat out of the bag on exposure. Just do it.

If you think your stomach aches now, wait until two years from now, when the physical has happened, and your husband is sure he wants a divorce. That is what I did. She was "just friends". They texted and talked. And then she flew halfway across the country to "end it". She ended up in the bag with him. that was about two years ago. Now I am divorced, and 2005 was the worst year of my life.

BABY STEPS IS NOT THE WAY TO FIX THIS. TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT THE SAME THING. I had a chance. I blew it. Taking baby steps for year.

Pain is sitting on the edge of a cliff, wanting to jump off. Pain is looking for a train to park in front of, to end it. I am serious. I was there. Many of us have been there.

THIS IS AN EMERGECENCY. GET BUSY, DEBBY.

The affair will end, or the marriage will end. You still have a choice right now. I suggest you keep the marriage.

Sorry to be emphatic and blunt. But your scenario sounds similar. That is why we are all worked up.

End the affair.

NO CONTACT.

Baby steps won't cut it. Trust me.

foundareason

Few want to face what painful choices can be involved in dealing with an affair. Posting on here takes courage in many ways. You are opening yourself up to look at what some of those choices might be....ones you had never even considered. Maybe ones you wanted to overlook or not have to face. You're not alone.

Most everything you've known and understood about your marriage, your spouse, comes under question. All that most of us wanted is for things to just be "back to normal". Unfortunately, wanting it doesn't make it happen. I remember that sick to my stomach feeling when I realized things could never be the same again. It hit me over and over again as I found out additional aspects of my exWS's affair.

I think there were times I needed to experience things for myself. I had lived a life of following what others told me to be "the truth". All decisions and choices involve odds and risks. As LM noted, you are the only one that can make those choices for yourself as you are the one affected by your choices, not any of us. The intensity of response to your choices comes from people who want to spare you the pain that they went through by making similar choices. It's not from lack of caring or a reflection of your value or worth as a person.

I had not found Marriage Builders prior to my divorce from my exWS. I came across it when I was seeking information on dealing with an affair when an OC was born. My exWS and I had considered reconciliation and I could find no other place that dealt with this issue. I still benefitted from the sharing of others as I sought to heal from the whole mess involved with my exWS's affair. I was able to recognize the patterns of behaviors that seemed to be common to most affairs....behaviors that I had thought were unique to my situation.

As noted previously, please don't take lack of agreement or the intensity of disagreement as lack of caring or support. People have various communication styles. Sharing on a forum opens you up for comments and opinions. Only you can decide if that's helpful for you at this time.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this painful time. Be gentle with yourself.