Wow, Star…

Thanks for the e-mail address…I will use it if I truly need it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
I was feeling really strong when I went home last night and when I got there I noticed W left her rings (wedding and anniversary) on her dresser (her watch was gone).
I can’t explain the empty burning feeling in my chest, is that what a broken heart feels like? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Anyway, I didn’t mention it to her because I feel like she might have done this as to gauge my reaction anyway.

Last few days she has been a little distant, not saying much, sleeping on the couch, and now, not wearing her rings.
I obsessed on it for a while and came up with a lot of conclusions.
Mostly I figured that she wanted to try and check on (my insecurities).
Well, I still have them but I won’t let her know it.
I know, I know…..why does it matter you ask?

I just did exactly what you said to do and concentrated on myself and what I want and at the same time I was very nice to her all night and later she came out front where I was sitting and said that her and her sister were sitting out back and did I want to came back there?

I think my reactions were helpful because she should be able to do whatever she wants to do in regards to her rings and sleeping arrangements.

Last night me and S13 were watching tv and she laid down on the loveseat with her pillow and I asked, “do you want your bed?” (The couch) and she said “no that’s ok”
So when I went to bed I just said goodnight.

This morning she was talking a little more and I didn’t try to pressure her to talk to me etc. and the morning went fine and when I left for work I walked up to her and said goodbye and she turned around (thinking I was going to hug her) and I got behind her and kind of squeezed her around the waist and kissed her on the cheek and said “love you”.

This is something I have always done with W and Kids so I'm not going to change it yet.(normall behavier right?)

I’m not going to push the Ilu’s on her but I don’t want her to think I’m giving up either so I think once in a while won’t hurt but I need some advice on that one.
I think the ilu this morning just showed her that I’m not going to be mad about her being distant to me or the couch thing or the rings.
In the past I would have made a big deal out of all three of these things and like her M said “just be patient and wait for her to talk to you because W really has to think a long time about her feelings before talking about stuff”

Thanks all
JS

JTodd and Stuckinpast,
Are you still following?
Any thoughts?
JS

I think you did fine. Follow Star's advice. Do not analyze every move on her part (or your part). Let time pass. Meanwhile, focus on yourself and the kids. Not her. Let her figure out what she wants for herself. At some point she will come to you to talk. Then you can tell her honestly how you feel. Until then, keep it to yourself.

JS,

Bless your heart, I have still been praying for you. I agree with Holding. Concentrate on your kids. Concentrate on taking care of yourself, too, and less on every little thing she says or does. You deserve some peace of mind, so take some for yourself. Sometimes that is what matters most of all... just a little peace of mind and respite from the "crap".

Sorry I can't make much more comment now. It has been a horrendous day for me marriagewise. I'm trying to figure out whether my husband really is being too controlling, or whether I'm just oversensitive stemming from my first abusive marriage -- and things kind of blew up today, and then his ex came up again and so and and so on.

Anyway, I'll continue to pray for you.

Hold,



I think I understand, she already knows over and over how I feel.
I will remain quiet untill she talks.
JS

Stuck,
Thank you for responding and I'm sorry for the situation you are in.
Best wishes to you and good luck.
JS

JS,
My wife took her rings off and left on kitchen counter for me to see. Really hurt. I asked her what she was doing- she said she would put them back on when she wanted to. She put them back on 4 or 5 days later and nothing else was said. I think it may be some kind of independent issue where she says "hey look , I can go without these". I thought about laying my ring beside hers but could not do it. I do agree with the posters saying just try to enjoy your kids and take care of them.

Thanks JT,
I was kind of thinking along the same lines as you on this.
I figured if I don't say anything about it that she will start wearing them again, or not but it doesn't really matter even though it still hurts a little.

Used to be that I would have made a big deal out of it too and she would have been mad so I'm glad I just (let it go)

I think I'm starting to feel better about myself and all of these wise posters out here have given me (much needed confidence) and I'm starting to understand that it doesn't matter what I do anyway as long as I stop LB's and continue EN's

I'll let her take care of her end of things and work on being a good man.

Your words just reminded me of all the little things I keep stressing over and how dumb they really are.

I'm really glad your still here...if you have any questions for me just ask.

Thank you JT
JS

Just picked up "His Needs Her Needs" from the library and can't wait to dive into it.

Last night, went to get a massage that W purchaced for me back in November...I got her one for her birthday and while she was there she bought one for me.

W told me earlier in the day that she had some running to do.
Usually I would have questioned her, but this time , not a peep.

Later she told me she was leaving and I said ok.
I went outside to check on the kids and she hung around for a while and then said again "ok I'm going" and I said Ok see ya later.

I felt so good about, (worrying about me) instead of her and I just wanted to say a couple of things to all you wonderfull posters out here.

Sometimes it's not the quality of your posts but the quantity.
What I mean is, everybody's opinion is welcome to me and helpfull in its own way.
Some of you, are out there for support and some of you are trully teaching what you have learned here by trial and error.

I'd really like to here more about your situation jtodd if you have the time.

Used to be when W went out I would tell her, "Can you feed the kids before you leave?" or "Can't you wait untill the kids are in bed?"
Also used to be mad when she got home, like it was a great inconveniance for me to have to watch them without her.

I'm starting to think "I can do this" "I can worry about myself now".

When she got home I was in a great mood and didn't ask her anything.

We had good conversation for quite a while and the tension in me and her seemed, non existant.

See guys, I'm slowly starting to get some of this.

Thank You so much
Soolee, Stuckinpast, Holdingontoit, Still JM, Myalias, Star*fish, Ears_open, jtodd and all the rest of you (just lurking around)

Oh, btw, I'm still being as nice as I can be, but I stopped saying ilu for now, no hugs or kisses, etc.

Told her this morning "ok I'm leaving, have a good day, then as I walked out the door I said "oh...btw...you look really nice".

JS

Asked W Sunday night “when is sil going to get a job or another place to stay”…W doesn’t want to confront sil on this because she is to sensitive.
Long story short W talked to sil Monday morning and sil moved out that day.

I think it might have been a relief for W as well but she wasn’t talking to me much last night.

I told W Sunday night that, sister in law staying there was starting to take its toll on me and all of us, and W replied back “what do you mean “us”?” (Like I was suggesting it’s the reason for our marital problems)
I told her “it is affecting the kids as well as me, and I could see where it has been bothering her to”. “we are going to go broke trying to feed and support all of these people and that we can’t go on living like this”.

I said “I know she’s not the reason for our problems but her being here sure doesn’t help.
She said “I’m just worried that you still have hope for us and I don’t want you to have hope and to keep doing things to make things better for us. I said I do have hope and I always will have hope and I won’t give up.

I said, the problem has been that we never talk about sil or anything else for that matter and I don’t know what’s going on with anyone anymore.
She said that’s why she started sleeping on the couch so she could separate herself a little more from me, I still haven’t said anything about her not wearing her wedding rings.

At least with a wayward wife you know what’s going on…… me, (I have no clue)

Is this fog talk or am I reading the wrong threads for my situation?

Some days I see a little light there and other days it gets shut off again.
I don't see anyone out there in my situation where things work out good.

She doesn't have the confusion of an ea or pa so whats up?

JS

W still withdrawing from me, anything more I can do?

All we talk about is her work, because I ask her about it everyday...We were watching Jurasic Park last night with the 2 little ones and during a comercial I asked her a couple questions about "what was your favorite movie growing up?" and "what was your first bicycle like?"

She talked about it a little bit and then still kind of withdrew but I kept asking about her girlfreinds when she was little etc. but it was a little distressing because the kids kept asking a ton of questions which made it hard to talk to her but I was happy that we were at least talking...

She was sitting outside the other night and I went to sit out there with her and I asked her a question about work and got a short answer and then she got up and went inside and I thought (how rude) then she comes back out with a piece of paper and she said "this is how many people I handle at work and this is how many my coworker handles", she said remember the other night when we were talking about this and I couldnt think of all the people I handle? well I wrote them all down and heres the list.

I keep trying to start conversations with her and it seems to help us talk more, but she doesn't initiate much conversation anymore and keeps trying to distance herself from me.
I asked her this morning how she slept and she said crappy as usuall so I told her that she needs to start eating better and if she wants to come back in our bed that I will respect her space and not try to bother her.
She just said I know.

Anyway, not much else to say except I'm feeling like she comes closer once in a while and then she remembers what she is doing and then tries harder to distance herself.

UUGHHH
JS

(((JSLost))) I don't write you more often because I don't know what to do in your situation, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone, and wish you well however this turns out.

JSLost,

Sorry things are taking a turn for the better.

I don't have a lot to add except I would like to remind you of something Star said to you recently.



What things have you been doing to concentrate on you?

I can only guess your coming acrossed as smothering to her and that's why she's putting distance between you. Is it possible that if you go about doing your thing she may come chasing you?

Have you done anything fun lately? You, you and the kids, you and the kids and her?

((JS)) I don't know what to tell you either, other than that I am still following this thread and praying for you.

Also, JS, why is she still in the house with you? Is she making any plans to get her own place?

JSlost,
Still following your thread. Keep seeing similarities- my wife will go outside to porch swing but if I come out to talk she will go back in. I have learned in the last couple of weeks to back away and let her talk when she wants to. I don't want to be a "puppy dog" as she has implied when I try to follow her into rooms and talk. I have actually went out and got a kayak to start a hobby trying to concentrate on something for me. I still believe showing her I love and care for her is good but slightly ignoring her helps in this situation also. Good luck and God Bless.

Me:38 Wife:36
M:16
S:12
S:10
D:4

Hi ears, Hi stuck, Thanks
Hey Mya,

Huh?....lol


I've actually been going back and rereading that quite a bit lately.

Yeah, I kind of thought that to, but I am so unsure of how to handle things. Ive been doing this a little more, here recently and the more time goes by the more I do my own thing and let her worry about her.
I wrote her mom a letter yesterday (probably a bad thing) and asked her a few questions.
Should I hug her?
Should I be saying ilu?
Should I touch her or hug her?
If she don't like these things then I want someone to tell me to stop. She won't...she's to afraid of hurting me or something, I don't know.
Haven't got a responce yet...usually takes a couple of days for mil to read her e-mail


Not much really...we did go to a family picnic last sat. We played baseball, and it was a lot of fun, but she's very carefull as to not look like she's having any fun. She did sit with me most of the day, and I tried to give her space too.

When thay started the 2nd game she asked if I wanted to play and I said no thanks...I was blowing up baloons for all of the kids and having a good time, doing my own thing, ya know?
She just kept looking back at me and laughing about all of the kids around me.

She is very distant at home and I know the kids see this but they don't ask anything..denial probably...at least for the 12S.

I've been showing them all of the love that I have for them and I always did before but now I try spending as much time and play with them whenever I can.

Last night I cooked dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, did 3 loads of laundry, and then played kickball with them..helps to keep me busy and my mind off of stuff...

W just walked around in a daze then said I'll be right back in about 10 mins...40 mins later she came home and I didn't ask her anything about what she did or where she went but I saw where she had called her mom and had an address for an apartment close by.

I told her earlier that she should put her Readers Digest in her van so when she felt like getting away she would have something to read and she went outside, to do just that, and then she sat out front and read a little bit...something she hasn't done in a long time...never has time etc.
I went out later and made small talk, work etc. and she didn't seem annoyed or anything, she put the book down and talked a little and started reading again.

The problem is she can't afford a place yet and it don't look like she will be able to anytime soon plus the places she is looking at, not only are they to expensive but there kind of small and dumpy.

Friday night I'm taking S12 to a car race...we went last year and he want's to go again and one of our neighbors is going with us... with his son (same age) S's freind.

I'm trying real hard to distance myself, but nobody can really tell me what to do for sure other than "take care of yourself" so thats what I'm trying to do.

I'm eating good, sleeping good, going to work, taking long walks a couple of times a week to get away and let her have her space, and I'm not asking her any M or R questions or asking where did you go? when you going to be home etc.

Thanks everybody
JS

Hey jtodd,
The kayak sounds cool, good for you.

Usually I'm the one outside and she comes out and checks things out.

If she goes outside its not unusual for me to go out there to, so I don't think its like following her or anything.

I don't follow her if she goes inside or anything...she used to ask me "do you want to be outside or inside and then we'd go together, but like I said lately she is kind of more --distant--- which is ok and I'm starting to not take it personal.

Go back from time to time (like I do) and read some of the good posts people have sent me.

The information is there, its just kind of hard to apply sometimes (emotions and such).

I'm willing to give it time.

I sure would like to here more from you, about your situation, but if its like mine, I guess theres really not much more to tell.

Hang in there, she didn't stay there all of these years for nothing.

The people here told me you should work on this for 1 month for every year you were married, more if there's kids involved.

I still think its going to take a lot for my W to leave me, but who knows? right?

JS

I really need to get someone to proof read my posts before I submit them.

I am sorry things aren't taking a turn for the better.