I want to ask her why she is hurting me so bad. I want to ask her if she is sleeping with om.
I want her back so bad. What can I do?
She's out of the house with new friends and she told me last night that she has grown up.

I asked her is this who you really are or are you the same sweet loving wife I've always known.
She just said i've grown up.

I can't function anymore without some kind of direction.

JS,

I replied to you on GQII.

Thanks for all of your sound advice Mya.
I'm still scared and feeling lonely. I know I have a future but I'm having trouble letting go. I sent her another e-mail, I'm sure she reads them but probably doesn't listen to them. I know I need to stop. I just wish I knew for sure what the right thing to do is.

Heres the e-mail.

Should I continue to try and meet my W's emotional needs?
(Plan A)
Should I withdraw?
(Plan B)
I want to be a marriage builder and sometimes I think I need to go to plan B but how do you plan B when you have 3 kids and I will see her just about everyday?
Football practice, kids dropped off in the morning at my house or picked up at night at my house.
I don't want to miss S12's football practice but she will be there too.....is that a good time to try to fill her need for conversation?

How do I meet her emotional need for financial security when she is moved out?

I want my wife back and I know it's going to take a lot of time. What do I do while I'm waiting? How do I treat her?

Should I just give up?

My post has kind of gone dead, are you guys thinking it's pretty much over or do you have any other ideas?

I'll give up if you think it's hopeless.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

I think you have to be patient. I think you have to figure it will be weeks or months until she is open to the possibility of getting back together. So the question is not "what should I do this afternoon"? The question is what are you going to do for the foreseeable future?

I don't think it is time to give up. I don't think it is hopeles. But I do think you have to stop living this minute by minute, day by day. On that scale you are not going to see any change, and you will get discouraged.

So go back to my earlier post. What big project are you going to start doing TODAY? Don't tell me you are too upset to get started. That is backwards. You don't let the marital problems distract you from the project. You use the project to distract you from the marital problems.

How should you behave toward your wife at the game today? Pleasant but not pursuing. Respect her need for space. Talk to her as you would talk to the mother of one of the other kids on the team.

As for meeting her needs, only try to meet the ones she wants you to fulfill. If she is trying to prove to herself that she can make it on her own, then your trying to throw extra money at her will backfire. She will see it as controlling and manipulative, not helpful and loving. If the only thing she needs you for is FS, you will never get her heart back. So stop trying to use FS as a lure. It won't work.

Your situation is no fun. There is no magic bullet that is going to make it wonderful anytime soon. Settle in for the long haul. Behave today according to your best guess of what you can sustain indefinitely.

Still wishing you peace.

I wish I knew, it’s just so hard to handle sometimes with my mind wandering all over the place. I’m getting advice from everyone. But nothing that will bring her back soon. How do I accept this and move on?


How do I do this Hold? How?
Sometimes I think I can wait forever and sometimes I think “my waiting” is letting her do whatever she wants to do knowing I’m waiting…I think “my waiting” is a Lb’er to her Ya Know?
Sometimes I just want to leave it all behind me to ease the pain. I don’t want to be on my own right now…..I can find someone else pretty easy and that would help me move on but I know in my heart it would not be the smart thing to do. I don’t trust my choices right now but I want someone in my life. I have to much love to give.

I just can’t get motivated yet, I know this is something I need to do, but I’m to busy obsessing over her. How do I let go?
I need a “magic bullet” to let go.
She would see this as a big change in me if I were to start a project like this.

I like that last line that will help.******Note to self******* Not a W, just a friend.

She wants me to give her $400.00 per month after we sell the van for child support.(I agreed to this before she moved out) No ones interested in it so she is going to trade it for whatever she can get that’s better on gas.
I haven’t told her yet but I’m not giving her that $400.00 I just can’t afford to because I have all of the bills I always paid before plus she has me paying ½ the babysitter bill which she used to pay which is $600.00 per month. After school starts it will be less but I’m paying for everything (credit cards etc.) She’s paying for her “new life” How do I discuss this without LBing?


I’m trying Hold………..I’m trying, thank you for the thoughts.

As for the finances, and how much you will or won't give her, have you gotten some advice on what you would owe her if you guys got divorced? Can you afford to keep your house if you get divorced? You have to be very careful about the finances. If you squeeze her too tight, she may be motivated to file for support / separate maintenance. I would see if you can find out what she would be entitled to if you guys split. Just so you know where you stand.

I know it would stink, but if you are already stretched, and she files, you might not be able to keep your house. Not being able to afford to keep our house if we got divorced is one thing that keeps Mrs. Hold and me together. Neither of us wants the kids to have to move out.

Hold



I can afford the house, I pay all of the bills right now except for the babysitter bill each week. Now I'm paying 1/2 that.
Anyway, she is trying to get rid of her van because its a gas hog and trade it for something with better mileage. Car lot called me yesterday while i was on the phone and i told them to just call her....In the past I would have handled all of that but now that she is gone I'm letting her take care of that.
She called me later and told me what they said and I said to go ahead and do whatever she needed to.
She said at this point she will take almost anything on trade and I said "ok, that’s fine.
Payment is $467.00 per month so I'll be done with that but I'll be paying daycare now.

Saw her last night at S12’s football practice and talk was pretty light, I had some family news (about my sister and brother in law....nothing serious) I could have told her about but really didn’t want to start any personal conversations with her so I just kept it about the kids.

Should I try talking about that other stuff just to keep the conversation going or stay back and let her talk?
Continue to distance my self a little bit or keep engaging?
I don't ask her anything anymore......well for the last 2 days anyway...lol

She wanted me to sign up the kids for school and I told her I would take care of the 2 little ones today and then said “can you take off early on Thursday to sign up S12”?
She said “yeah I can ask” “I should be able too”
She figured I would do it all for her because I was still trying to get her back, well, I’m not doing anything for her anymore….I’m sure she has seen some signs over the last 2 days that I was withdrawing and letting go.

She seemed very down again last night….I told her the kids wanted to stay at her house again last night so after practice she took them home and I went home and putted around.
I wasn’t feeling that lonely either.
I called my mom and dad and talked with them for a while and then a neighbor came over for about 5 minutes and I really didn’t have anything to say about W and I so he went back home. He said “you look like your doing pretty good and I said yeah I’m getting better.

It’s going to be a long road but I almost got two days under my belt.

I haven’t sent her any e-mails or called her the last 2 days…..usually I send about 2 or 3 jokes to her daily (e-mail jokes from others) and I stopped doing that yesterday.
I used to send them to her and her coworker but now I’m not sending them to her coworker either.(they sit right across from each other) Not sure if I should or shouldn’t send them to coworker.
I don’t want it to look like I’m dissing the coworker but I thought it would be a bit “childish” to send them to coworker and not send them to W.

What should I do on that one? Keep excluding both of them or just W?

When practice was over I walked the kids to the van and gave them kisses goodbye and told W to get out for a minute and walk over to my car.
I said we can use the credit card for the school costs but that I was trying not to use it anymore because the balance will be split should we D.

I said how do you want to split the credit card bills? (knowing full well that she is stretched out now)

She said “I don’t know how any of that works”..
I said I think they will take the equity in the house and let us split it, less what we owe for credit cards and such and that we weren’t going to be looking at very much money anyways.

Refinanced in 2004 borrowed 85,900.00 house is worth about 140,000.00 and we owe about 16,000 or more on the credit cards so take the difference and divide by 2 and that’s what she will get. (I’m guessing)
She just looked at me kind of strange and said yeah I guess we could put it on the card.

(Earlier I had asked her if we should split the school costs and she said we could maybe get on a payment plan.
I said I would pay for the 2 little ones and she could pay for S12.)

I've asked questions in this post and other posts but I'm not getting any answers from anyone.
Any thoughts from anyone.

I'm not really giving up all hope but I have to start moving on with my life so I can let go of this pain.

I still really want her back
JS

Hard to do both. If you pull away too far, you won't want her back if she changes her mind. There is no perfection so don't be worried that you are confused or you make mistakes. Impossible to avoid.

I would not push too hard on "this is what will happen in divorce". Don't make it sound like you WANT a divorce. Don't make it sound like you expect to divorce. The divorce talk should be informational and hypithetical, as in "you know I don't want to get divorced, and one reason is that the finances would work like this _____, and I think that would stink for both of us".

If finances are stressing you out, then you could phrase the desire not to use credit cards as a way to reduce stress. Which would hopefully make it easier for both of you to deal with life.

As I said before, if you are trying to decide what topics to discuss with your wife, think about whether you would raise the topic with an old dear friend who was visiting.

And if wife's co-worker is female, I would not be sending her any messages. You are too vulnerable and wife is too likely to misinterpret your intentions. Heck, you don't even know what you want her or why you might be sending messages to co-worker. Wife can't possibly know what it means, and given your situation she will imagine the worst. Seems high risk, low reward.

Keep up the good work. I think you are doing well in a very painful situation.

Any advice?
Last night I had the kids at football practice and she was home detailing her van to try to sell it at auto auction today.
I called and talked to her for a while last night, I told her S12 wanted to stay the night and she said just have him come over Wednesday night with the other kids.
He looked disappointed.
She came over this morning to sit and wait for the babysitter to get there and we talked a little (small talk) I left for work and went by her place and Franks truck was there.
So now I know.

I called her after I got to work and told her that it was so hard to see her. She said "what brought this on?" I said "Its just so hard to see you because you looked so beautifull and I miss you so much".
I told her I would not give up because I trully believe we could be happy.
She said I don't feel that way.
I said do you know how hard this is on me?
Yeah I know.
I said its like someone took my feet out from under me knowing you have someone else in your life already.
She just said, I know.
I said I know our marriage is over and I don't want it back, I want a new relationship with you. I want to start all over.
" I remember why we fell in love and I think we could do it again.
I said I know you have frank now and that didn't matter to me because I still love you.
I asked "are you in love with him? she said I don't know yet, Its to soon, I'm just having a good time right now.

Is it just over for me or what?
What can I do now?
Help!

Any advice?

Go over to the Infidelity Forums (General Questions II and Just Found Out) and post there. That is where the experts on infidelity hang out. You wife is having a full blown affair. The fact that you guys live apart does not make it less of an infidelity. You need to fully implement the MB system for dealing with infidelity. We at the EN forum can hold your hand, but we are not the experts on implementing the MB system while an affair is ongoing. Stay here if you want as well, but for sure post over there.

JS, sorry to hear the bad news. Your W is acting very poorly. Still it is no surprise to me after hearing so many dreadful stories here.

You need some boundaries. I understand you love your W and want her back but you can't control her and you can't win her back if she's seeking love and comfort from someone else. If she's not willing to work on your M and instead go the way of this A then I think you need to do what's best for you. Time to seek professional counsel on this and I'm not talking a counselor. Find a lawyer.

Frank is the drug dealing piece of crap? She's seeking a new life with a low-life scum?

You need to protect your kids. Nice guy or not. He's poison. Start setting some boundaries. Reassure yourself that she understands that the kids cannot be subjected to this poor behavior. If she wishes to have another man over she does it in private not in the presence of the children. The kids can start hanging out with Frank after their Mom and Dad are D.

Again sorry. Sickening to think that people don't have the decency to end one R before they start another. Everything is that their convenience without the slightest thought of someone they used to love. Very inconsiderate. My heart goes out to you. Take care.

[Edited to add]
Oh yes and follow Hold's advice and seek assistance over in GQII.