A Strategic Plan For Newly Betrayed Spouses:

Lately, a lot of new betrayed spouses have come here to MB and their posts show they don’t have any idea of what to do next. Dr. Harley’s overall plan is clear to anyone who reads Surviving An Affair and reads the various threads out here, but it’s hard to take everything in all at once. I hope this will give newly arrived MB’ers a place to start. I’m open to comments and all kinds of constructive criticism. Y’all let me know where I’ve strayed off message and I’ll edit, okay?


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To The Newly Betrayed Spouse:

It is sad to see you here because the reason you've come is your spouse is committing adultery. The good news is you can rescue your marriage and even make it better than it was before. It takes hard work, sacrifice, time, and a huge measure of patience, but you’ve taken the most important step already by coming to MarriageBuilders.com (MB). Welcome, betrayed spouse.

You’re confused, shocked to the core and your pain is terrible. We know. Most of the folks here on MB have gone through exactly what you are facing now. Those experienced folks have used MB principles to get through this and know those precepts work.

The curious thing is that most adulteries resemble each other very, very closely. The words your wayward spouse will use, his or her actions, attitudes, and indeed, the things they believe they are experiencing are all almost exactly what other wayward spouses have done before them. That similarity allows for a general plan, like the one below, to work again and again with a minimum of tinkering.

A good thing to do is start a journal to record everything that happens from this moment forward. Make particular note of the times your wayward spouse spends away from your home and your children, the times you can document he or she is with the other person, the times WS went out for unexplained reasons, worked undocumented overtime, etc., etc. Add (dated) entries to your journal at regular intervals, if not daily. It should be a physical one (a wire-bound notebook works just fine) as opposed to a virtual one. Write it out neatly in longhand. Be factual and include times and dates.

Partners in adultery think the little fantasy world they’ve built up is wonderful place, always warm and rosy, special, and incredibly unique. Wayward spouses speak the same language and what one says, another will sooner or later. “If you think our problems have anything to do with her/him, you’re badly mistaken,” is an oldie, but goodie.

There may be something about having found their soul mate, the one they’ve been searching for all their life. Oh…by the way…they’ve never been happy with you. They’ll tell you that. Guess what? The marriage with you has been a sham for the last (insert number) years…or, sometimes, since the beginning. Here’s one that spews from their mouth quite often. “I never loved you…or haven’t loved you for (insert number of years)…. but I want to stay friends with you so the children won’t be hurt.”

Since you love the wayward spouse--you married him or her, after all--you should see their happiness is paramount and undeniable. You need to help them with the adultery, not hinder it. They will actually be upset when you don’t.

Any of that sound familiar? You may have heard it already. If not, you almost certainly will sooner or later.

Think of your spouse in his or her present condition as someone who has been absorbed by an alien from a mother ship hovering over your hometown. Aliens have only rudimentary skills at thinking, you know. There’s no reasoning with them right now. No amount of explanation from you on how wrong he or she is about your past marriage will sink in. Don’t bother trying.

Your spouse will pile lies on top of lies whenever you ask anything about what is going on. Expect it. Get used to it. It’s what adulterers do; it’s the only way such an obscene thing as infidelity can be carried on. Your spouse will, as Grandma used to say, lie when the truth would serve them better.

The first thing you need to do is order the book Surviving An Affair (SAA) by Dr. Willard Harley. When you get it, study it well. Don’t just read it--study it. There are articles here on MB excerpted from the book and they are excellent reads. They can be found in the “Most Popular Links” in the upper right of every MB page.


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Important note: Counseling with the Harleys is available from links on the website. Your best source of a comprehensive, detailed plan customized just for you will be from them. If you can afford it, do it.

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If you cannot, there are things you can do while you wait for the book. Most importantly, you can begin drafting a plan for marital recovery. SAA will help you do exactly that. There are a few essentials you can begin working on while you wait for that book to be delivered. Here is a summary of the things that should be part of your plan.

Step 1: Military-grade operation to develop intelligence on whether your spouse is involved in an adulterous relationship. There is a thread out here on MB dedicated to exactly that.

Your spouse may have already admitted to committing adultery. You might think this step is unnecessary. Don’t be fooled. If you don’t pay close attention, the adultery will continue long after he or she promises on a stack of Bibles it is over.

What you need to do is gather enough evidence to convince yourself your spouse is committing adultery. It doesn’t have to be much, just concrete enough to show you what is happening. You're not going to trial with rules of evidence; don’t let your spouse talk you into a standard that doesn't apply.

If you need more information, consider reviewing cell phone records, Instant Messaging history, place a digital recorder in your spouse’s car, near home phones, or places your spouse likes to go to take private calls, etc. If you feel you need more and you can afford it, a private investigator can gather a lot of irrefutable proof in a short period.

Step 2: Confront your wayward spouse with the fact you know about the adultery and ask your spouse to stop. Generally speaking, you don’t explain how you know though you will have to give out a couple of facts that will strike a chord with them. They don't have to admit it, many do not, but deep down inside, they need to know they've been busted. You’ll see it in their eyes.

If you know of dates and times where they've met, confront your spouse with that information. If you can imply you know that because the two of them were seen, rather than telling them you actually read in one of their emails, that's all that much better. If you show your wayward spouse those emails (for instance), you've just educated him or her on one breach in the secrecy surrounding the adultery. The wayward spouse will learn and be able to hide the adultery from that point forward much better. Don’t give them that advantage.

In a very few instances, this is all that will be necessary to bring your spouse back home and recommit to the marriage. Usually though, it doesn’t work that smoothly. You’ll hear the “we’re just friends,” phrase a lot of times, along with implications you’re insane to even think such a thing of your loving spouse (it’s called gaslighting, FYI), and denials piled high on denials.

What you have to get across to your wayward spouse is that you have some “boundaries” that aren’t open for debate. The most important is the wayward spouse must break off the relationship and must agree to complete “no contact” (NC) ever again…that means never, period…with the other person (OP). A second might be the wayward spouse finds work in a different company (if the adultery is with a co-worker). Another probably will include couples counseling. Still another should be to read SAA with you and apply the marital recovery techniques (Rules of Protection) in the last half of that book.

Step 3: Since your wayward spouse has not admitted to the infidelity, it’s necessary to expose the existence of the adultery to everyone who can put pressure on the adultery and influence the partners in adultery to end their relationship. You need to begin work now to develop that list. The list may include some or all of the following. It may also include people not on this sample list.

A. If the person your spouse is involved with is married, His or her spouse must be told of the adultery even if your spouse actually terminates the affair and enthusiastically begins to labor long and hard on your marriage the instant you find out about the adultery. The other person’s spouse (OPS) has the right to address the problems in their own marriage.
B. Your spouse’s parents and sometimes your spouse's siblings. Parents can place tremendous pressure on their adulterous offspring. On occasion, they take their children’s part and choose to ignore the adultery, but they often become strong allies in breaking it up.
C. Your children. Guess what? Kids as young as four see and hear…and understand…far more than you think they do. D r. Harley has stressed the importance of making sure children know mom or dad is behaving inappropriately but that mom and dad still love the child. The child must know he or she is NOT the cause of all the tension in the household.
D. Your family. You need allies who can put pressure on the adultery and your family members can do that. They may be able to add nothing more than disapproving glances, but that pressure mounts up.
E. Friends of the family. Same reason as above.
F. Your spouse’s co-workers if the adultery is an “office affair.” (I hate the word affair. It makes a slimy, squalid thing seem less offensive.) Co-workers can apply lots of pressure. They may have suspected before you exposed to them. Now they know for certain.
G. Again, if the adultery began in the office, expose to the spouse’s boss or Human Resources Director. The company may have a policy on inappropriate relationships. If one partner or the other is a supervisor, the company can directly influence the adultery and make it impossible for it to continue.
H. Your pastor or priest. These individuals have tremendous influence in your wayward spouse’s life. Make them your allies.
I. Officers and members of professional associations and social organizations your spouse is in. Few of these tolerate moral turpitude in their membership. Use that to your advantage.
J. Anyone else who can reasonably be expected to be able to put pressure on the adulterous relationship.

Exposure is THE strongest weapon you have at your disposal to smash the adultery. Adultery is part disrespect, part deceit, and part fantasy. It exists in the darkness under rocks. Turn the rock over, shine a brilliant spotlight on the seamy underside, and the roaches begin to scurry away. The lies that are a part of every adultery are revealed for what they are and the fantasy world that includes just the two adultery partners begins to shatter. USE exposure.

When you have your list ready, go to each person and sit down with him or her if you can. It’s good for them to see you troubled, but very calm and steady. It’s very important to be under control. Many wayward spouses will immediately try to gaslight their betrayed spouses and will swear to everyone around the betrayed one is demented to even think the wayward spouse would actually sneak around behind your back. Take a deep breath and launch into a description of what has intruded into your marriage. Don’t wait for the perfect time and place, or the magic words to use. They’ll never come. Don’t tell your spouse you’re going to do expose the obscene adultery to your prospective allies. Just do it.

Oh, by the way, your wayward spouse will be absolutely furious. He or she will shriek imprecations at you, swear he/she was going to work on the marriage but now...oh, boy...now they wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last person on the face of the planet, etc. It's all bluster, noise, and drama. They are pissed off because you’ve wrecked the perfect little fantasy world they’ve been indulging themselves with. Let them rant and rave. It means nothing because you know where it’s coming from. Spouses sometimes do leave at this point for a while. If they do, you do NOT support their separate lifestyle in any way. If they leave, the almost invariably come back very quickly because their fantasy isn't supportable without your help.

Look, the purpose of exposure is to bust up the adultery. You are not doing this out of spite; you are not vengeful. Your spouse will see it as such, but it is not. Do not decline to expose because of the embarrassment you may feel about the adultery, and certainly don’t refuse to expose because it might embarrass your spouse.

Important Note: Do NOT shield your spouse from the consequences of his or her adultery. If you do, you give your spouse time and space to reignite the adultery and continue it better hidden than before. If you skip exposure, based on a misplaced “respect” or something that sounds equally noble, you will be condoning the disrespect your spouse has shown the marriage, your children, and you. Remember, adulteries thrive in the darkness. They are fed by lies and deceit. By shining the blinding light of exposure on the adultery, you force everything into sharp focus. The relationship begins to whither.

Step 4: You’ve studied Plan A by now. You know about Love Busters (LB), Disrespectful Judgments (DJ), etc. If the confrontation didn’t end the affair and exposure hasn’t either, Plan A gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and the marriage to show the adulterous spouse what a marriage with you could be like.

By the way, betrayed spouse, your marriage may not have been perfect before. That doesn’t in any way justify the affair. You did NOT cause the affair, but you may not have done everything you could have done to prevent it.

So Plan A lets you work on things you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you’ve put on those extra pounds and you know you’re not as attractive to your spouse as you once were. In Plan A, you begin those workouts you’ve been putting off forever. Your temper gets the best of you sometimes? Find some anger management seminars and learn to control it. You have no way to express yourself? Take up painting, plant a garden, work on your tennis/golf game, start writing that great American novel you know is inside you…whatever.

While you’re working on you, you do nothing to make things worse with your spouse. You don’t even talk relationship with your spouse in this time if he or she doesn't want to. This plan is partly designed to show your spouse you can be one heck of a partner in a revitalized marriage. They will see…but don’t expect kudos from them. Actually, they’ll be more inclined to say something like “I don’t trust these sudden changes. They won’t last.” Another one can be paraphrased as “too little, too late.” Don’t worry about their reluctance to recognize the new you. In their fantasy world, they don’t know what’s good for them and no amount of reasoning will bring them to understand it. Don’t try.

Plan A is a process that has a definite time limit. You do not explain that to your wayward spouse, but you have to decide on a time frame to work on you and show your spouse how good it could be. Women typically work Plan A for about 3 months; men do a Plan A for about 6 months.

Step 5: Plan A sometimes works. Dr. Harley says it doesn’t 85% of the time. Therefore, a Plan A is usually, logically, followed by Plan B. The temptation is to skip Plan A and go straight to Plan B. That doesn’t work in the overwhelming number of cases. You have to build a basis for Plan B so the wayward spouse finds out what he or she will be missing.

In Plan B, you cut off all communication with your wayward spouse. Having shown them how wonderful a person you can be as a marriage partner, you remove yourself from their lives to show them how bad it is out there without you. In Plan A, fence-sitting is almost unavoidable. Your wayward spouse gets some of their emotional needs met by you and others met by the other person. In Plan B, you suddenly, and completely, stop providing those needs you had been filling for your spouse. When they aren’t being met, it increases strife in that fantasy world your spouse and his or her partner in adultery have in common with only each other. Strife begets pressure. Pressure begets unhappiness. Unhappiness begets separation…and you win.

Plan B may require a legal separation or the equivalent in your state. Discuss your needs with an attorney. Get a good one. You need a bull dog to represent you, not someone who goes with the flow.

At this point, if you have not already done so, you need to separate your finances from your wayward spouse’s. Safeguarding your financial situation and making sure your assets cannot be looted by a wayward spouse still in the fog is different for everyone but here are some suggestions.

You can have the current joint credit cards cancelled and new ones issued only in your name. You need to make sure the WS can't drain checking & savings accounts. You might need to establish checking accounts the WS cannot access. Make sure you have access to enough cash/assets to pay the bills, etc. Powers of attorney might need to be looked at, if any are currently in effect. Don’t agree to any new obligations, new second mortgages, new cars, commit to paying WS’s expenses, etc., etc.

Plan B may last as long as another eighteen months.

Step 6: There are no guarantees in life. Sometimes all that you can do doesn’t result in your wayward spouse returning home, becoming repentant, and agreeing to work hard on the marriage. That’s sad, but it’s a fact.

Dr. Harley’s plan has an excellent chance of working if it is applied in a narrow window of opportunity you have after discovery to break up the affair and win your spouse back. Sometimes, though, the wayward spouse becomes entrenched in their adultery and never comes out of the fog.

If, by the end of the second year after confrontation and exposure, your WS hasn’t come home and agreed to work on the marriage, you may have to implement Plan D, a divorce. Sometimes, regretfully, you have to cut your losses and protect yourself and your children. All of us out here sincerely hope it won’t come to this, but it does happen. If it does though, you will have the comfort of knowing you did everything humanly possible to salvage your marriage. You will be able to hold your head high.


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The pros out here on MB are here for no other reason than to help you through this. Most have already gone through what you are just starting and they have come out the other side whole and better than they were before. It can be done and they’ll show you how. You’ll have their help as a support group and the advantage of their expertise.

Are you strong enough to do it? Good. Then get to work. We’re with you.

RESERVED

I've reserved this spot after my friend, Longhorn's, awesome summary to Betrayed Spouses in order to lay out some of my important thoughts and revelations that I have gleaned this past year saving my own marriage. I will be adding things periodically to this post as well as to this thread below (in order to bump it) as time allows me.

First, I wanted to emphasize how important posting to this board can be to you. Because infidelity situations are somewhat generic there are many situations you will face in the coming weeks and months that MANY others herein have faced before you. I'm telling you from experience, YOU CAN NOT just peruse the boards as a "anonymous" lurker hoping to find the right advice for you. I did it, I know. IF I had posted my story I know now that I could have shaved a few weeks off my wife's 3 month affair. The poignant and specifically tailored advice available FREE on these boards is that good.

Consider this....right now you are locked in a battle. You are fighting for your marriage and your family and your wayward spouse is fighting against you/it. Alas the ultimate battle of good versus evil only this time it's personal and it's you. You may think you are smarter than your adulterous spouse (and that's likely true considering how CRAZY they all act) but that aside, it's still just YOU versus THEM (the WS "Wayward Spouse" and OP "Other Person). You've never been in this situation before. I know you can't talk to family and friends and even if you do they will nearly always give you the WRONG advice. I am telling you....IF YOU POST your story and actively solicit advice on these very boards, which are here 24/7 free of charge, it now becomes all of US versus just the 2 of them. Advantage Betrayed Spouse. I was an idiot for NOT taking advantage of it when I first arrived and you'd be an idiot for following my footsteps after I specifically warned you herein. I'M CALLING YOU OUT...don't be an idiot. POST.

By the way, there is substantial FREE legal advice herein as well. I am an attorney (albeit a tax attorney) but not only do attorney's post here but accountants, therapists, marriage counselors and divorcees that have been through the process. A wealth of experience and knowledgable insight awaits you if you'd only join in.

I guarantee you, by merely seeking advice and getting direction and a PLAN you WILL feel so much better, stronger, more grounded and confident. You may just end up feeling in control of YOUR LIFE, which you ARE but I know it just doesn't feel that way right now.

I might have survived the active affair by only reading but my successful marital recovery ONLY happened after my wife and I both dived headfirst TOGETHER into these very Marriage Builder boards you find yourself reading this day. Again, take action, take control and seek guidance herein...you will not regret it. P O S T.

How to do POST?

Very few persons here had EVER got involved in anything on-line before posting here. I'd rarely even chatted or IM'ed before. Do not be shy. You are anonymous and the people here are from all over the world. The chances anyone will ever KNOW who you are (unless you direct them here yourself) are VERY remote.

A few things you should know. Below is a few common MB etiquette concepts of which it is only helpful that your aware of.

1. Start a new thread and succinctly tell your story. Too long, many may avoid it...too brief, they may follow up with questions but at least you are in a dialogue;

1. a. Make sure your signature line includes your statistics like mine below, it conveys a lot right off the bat;

2. Limit YOUR story to one thread;

3. Break up your posts into easy to read paragraphs;

4. Learn the Acronyms in advance by reviewing the summary thread in the Announcement Forum. ;

5. Pick the busiest board for your situation. Surviving an Affair is the most visited and most popular board for active affairs and the Recovery board for those in recovery. There are other boards but since you're on Longhorns thread I assume most of you are new.

6. Have patience. As you post more and more your story will gain momentum and you'll pick up additional people interested in your plight. Weekends are slow but just keep posting and you'll get the help you need eventually.

7. Always attempt to comment on every response you get. Use the individually posters name, thank them, ask follow up questions direct at them AND the board and/or otherwise comment on the advice. You'll be much more successful keeping posters around your thread if you nurture a friendly relationship with them.

Good luck...I am one year out of my wife's affair and pretty much fully recovered my marriage from the depths of despair. I had given up. I thought my wife was GOING to move 750 miles away and leave me and my 5 year old daughter behind to be with her "soulmate". What a difference a year makes. YOU WILL MAKE IT TOO with or without your spouse...that is the only thing I can guarantee you if you stick around AND POST.

Mr. Wondering



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Update to thread 6/1/06

Hello again,

I wanted to insert here a post dealing with the issue of Masculinity that I posted on the GQ II board awhile ago. Although it primarily deals with the BH and Masculinity I think the same concepts apply to femininity and womanhood for those BW's out there. Anyway...here it is.

Quote

I wanted to offer you some comfort as your wife challenges your masculinity. Last spring, my now FWW did the same thing and I researched the subject a little on the web. [color:"red"] [edited to add: More precisely, she repeatedly indicated she was "emasculating" me" which my premise below is you can only "emasculate" the willing].

I know how tough things are for you right now but your masculinity is not in question. An unmasculine man would have cut and run already...the mere fact you are sticking this out and trying is enough for me to know you are a strong man. Sure...you need to "man up" further and bust up this affair; but, I know all to well that this is a process and you're doing and not doing what you can. I am not applauding your failure to fully expose but I warn you...the faster you "man up" the quicker you will put this behind you. Expose, fully...today.

I tried to do things my way too. I tried to pick and choose the principles I applied to my sitch. However, I promise you that between "your way" vs. the proven and well worn narrow path prescribed by Dr. Harley which is being offered to you FREE on this site there is no comparison. Be smart...take the path that offers the best chance of success. Make the path your PLAN which you stick to despite what your fogged out wife says or does. If nothing else it will give you some sanity and sense of control as you navigate through this madness. Become the MAN with a plan.

MASCULINITY:

1. I am a male by birth and a man by age, but I can only become masculine by maturity. I must accept myself as masculine.

2. Manhood does not come automatically or easily. It is something that is achieved.

3. I control my masculinity, though it can be perceived by my WW as otherwise, it only CHALLENGES my masculinity IF I question it.

Good luck MAN,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- I think I remember using number 3 last spring in a fog babble response saying something to the effect of: "I am a man, thus, I am masculine...you can question it all you want but I'm not going to". She likely will change tactics if she no longer finds this attacking dialogue effective...that's when you confirm it was just a tactic in the first place to get you to LB or further justify her affair. Don't fall for it nor buy into any of it.

Another tidbit for the recently Betrayeds out there. This time I'll write more directly to the B.Wives...again it's equally applicable to BH's.

Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.

Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash.


Good luck again,

Mr. Wondering [/color]

^Bump for comments

Bumpdate #1

Please find below an email that I received within 16 hours of our D-moment, April 27, 2005. It was sent to me by an old friend that lives on the opposite side of the country from me and who knew nothing of our situation and she rarely ever emailed me. This was sent at a time when I was so emotional and felt so very alone as I'm certain many of you do right now. I will always be grateful that she shined a bit of light into my life when I needed it so much. It also should be noted that this friend of mine is a staunch atheist, furthering my belief that God does truly carry us when He knows that we can't go it alone...

As you proceed through these darkest hours, days, weeks of your glorious life journey it is my prayer that not only will God Bless you and your family, but that this may also serve as a reminder that God never leaves us no matter how dire our situation may seem...He always sees the bigger picture and knows that the best really is yet to come...you will, INDEED, make it.

With Love In Christ,

Mr. Wondering

READ THE BASIC CONCEPTS

One of the many things that are awesome about MB is that unlike many other authors and infidelity websites, Dr. Harley has provided us with virtually his entire plan for saving marriages FREE OF CHARGE on the main website. He is the professional. Myself, Longhorn and everyone else posting here on MB are just your peers. There is value in our collective experiences but "we" are NOT the experts.

That being said...please realize that you as a betrayed spouse are an exploitable vulnerable commodity. I've been in your shoes and I made the mistake of buying and/or downloading several books/ebooks of questionable value based upon the puffery of some website. There are numerous snazzy websites and forums designed to lure you in and take advantage of your desperation or just feed you bad advice (the devil hates marriage and there are several pagan websites and forums that are purposefully designed to further destroy your family). Be careful. My experience is Dr. Harley and his family are kind Christian people NOT simply trying to get you to buy their books and counseling services. They just want their program out their helping people. They certainly do offer them here but no one is required to buy anything and no one has ever stopped me from recommending you purchase materials used on Amazon.com or anything like that. Unlike other authors, my email also hasn't been bombarded with solicitations. I also find it refreshing to see a website that isn't covered up with paid advertising and links to other questionable resources and materials. If Dr. Harley is out JUST to make a buck...he certainly has missed several key revenue streams. Other than one book, SAA my wife and I haven't spent a dime more saving our marriage on these forums.

Finally, in infidelity forums everywhere you will find people that begrudge the way they previously handled their lives and with varying levels of true concern will attempt to deny you or short cut you through your life experiences. Sometimes they remain stuck in recovered but awful marriages and other times they're happily or bitterly divorced. They legitimately, most of the time, hope to help you by trying to get you to realize your situation is hopeless just like they wish someone had told and convinced them sooner that their situation was hopeless. Problem is...none of us here or anywhere can really ascertain which situations are truly hopeless and which are not (though many try) I've seen some of the worst betrayals and wayward spouses turn things around here on MB whereas other situations with numerous children and a long history that seemed so easily savable fail to reconcile. There is no short-cutting this process and, while true, that divorce is success in some situations, reconciliation and HOPE is available here on MB for ALL situations initially. Time will sort things out and MB can and will help you adjust along the way as we figure it all out together.

So...until then...

READ Dr. HARLEY BASIC CONCEPTS

AND THEN POST YOUR STORY

Mr. Wondering

Hey Longhorn....you/we've been pinned to the top of the board...Front row, movie star parking.

I've got so many more "bumpdates" that now become unnecessary. Oh well. Guess I'll call'em sumtin else.

Mr W

NEWBIE UPDATE

Well, today I thought I'd add my "Do's and Don'ts of Plan A List". This list I carried around with me from early into my wife's affair and then well into recovery. I referred to it from time to time to keep myself grounded in how I wanted to behave. A big part of Plan A is being the best person, spouse and parent (if applicable) that you can be despite the circumstances around you. My basic premise that enabled me to survive day to day was "Act, Don't React" (i.e. - "ACT" like the person I wanted to be without any love busters and do not allow myself to simply "React" to the harshness of the reality I foung myself in at the moment). Using this basic premise, I was able to weather the roller coaster of infidelity and eventually restore my marriage.

There are many emotional strains on the wayward spouse but their primary problem/issue is the OP (Other Person). If "No Contact" has not yet been established they will behave with a single minded intention to get their "fix" of the OP. If you threaten their ability to obtain such fix depending on the length of time between fixes, the quality of the recent fix and the security of such fix you will be met with resistance in varying degrees. No doubt about it, your efforts WILL be resisted but how they do it is a crap-shoot. They may yell, threaten or otherwise blatantly attempt to manipulate you with fear, anger, intimidation or whatever OR be more caniving and attempt to appease you with lies, more deceipt and covert manipulation. Either way they are not really LISTENING to you...you are their secondary concern. Understanding that is essential.

Conversly, the things you do that do not interfere with their addiction will be strongly encouraged and reinforced or perhaps simply ignored. Again, it's manipulation. They will be nice to you, have sex with you, spend time with you IF you allow them to continue having their affair...unabated. The policy of appeasement does not work. You can't simply be a doormat no matter how comfortable your wayward MAY attempt to make you feel.

So in the end you are left feeling powerless and beat up. Which in all essence you are. It's THEIR addiction you have little influence over. Only the addict can decide for themselves when to releive themselves of their addiction. They will do so IF YOU behave according to the solid, well tested, professionally advised Marrigage Builders principles. You, of course, must practice both the "CARROT AND THE STICK of Plan A (see link in my signature line below) to attempt to bust up the affair. But much of the STICK does not involve your day to day interactions with your "FOGGED OUT" wayward spouse. My do's and don't list is how you manage your spouse while you do the rest of Plan A.

Some days your spouse will be kind to you and other days hostile. As you ATTEMPT to pull closer to them and reestablish intimacy they will no doubt respond by pulling away for fear of you interrupting their affair OR, if the affair is over, for fear of leading you on. If you pull away from them the Waywards may often pull you closer for fear of losing you, for fear of losing their options as they cake eat/ride the fence of indecision. However, if you pull away to hard you may run a huge risk that you will merely reinforce and legitimize their built up rationalizations and justifications. It's simply the roller coaster of infidelity and the more you recognize it for what it is the more POWER you have to control YOURSELF as you both progress through this mess.

The wayward emotional pull back is to be EXPECTED. Waywards almost always do this. They take a step towards you and you respond appreciatively...you acquire Hope and push for more, more, more. You hunger for HOPE and they fear it. WS's don't feel worthy of it and are holding on to so much of the rationalizations and justifications that they can't see straight YET...even if they HAVE recommitted to the relationship and gone to "NO CONTACT". They fear hurting you further, hurting their family further. They fear you are placing much more significance on each step forward than you should cause they legitimately and quite necessarily DON'T FEEL IT...YET. So they slap you down and retreat. They may even defend/insulate themselves from you by calling you NEEDY AND UNATTRACTIVE to get you to back off. Hence, the step backwards.

When you detach from the rollercoaster and allow him/her to proceed at his/her desired speed you can hopefully minimize the steps back. When YOU internalize and beleive yourself to be the obvious choice, acquire patience and the confidence that he/she would be a fool not to recomitt to you, then you become the confident, unpressing, spouse that swept them off their feet so many years ago. He/she can more easily recommit to the person they saw back at the beginnig of your relationship than they can to the devastated spouse they see before them now.

You are behooved to for the most part just let it go for now, OP's soon to be or IS out of the picture...this is just you and your spouse now. Try to date them (alone time without KIDS is KEY...family time is NOT as effective). Movie dates suck cause you can't talk but those are the kind of dates you want now. Consider loud restaurants, clubs and bars. Activity based dates where you are not seated facing each other forced to have that “serious talk”. But if they won't date you go out yourself and either have fun or feign fun. They will eventually get suspicious or feel the need to take a break themselves and hopefully follow along.

In conclusion, you only control you. The more you understand the dynamics of infidelity the more prepared you will be to anticipate it and combat it. Your spouse, as expected is behaving like an idiot right now and "idiocy" will likely be the forecast for some time. YOU must be the leader of your family and the leader of your marriage and despite the crap you are putting up with BE the best person you can be....simply, ACT, DON'T REACT.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

OK...the list of Do's and Don'ts.

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone and/or ability to logically carry on a conversation. Their mind is elsewhere so you are just trying to keep them in the present.
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, new cologne, shower gel, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed (it may be hard to imagine this but YOU will make it regardless whereas without you, your spouse won't)
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea and is usually a waste of time anyway unless it's with the Harley's or a counselor that uses MB materials)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

*sorry the above is a little choppy...I combined several similar posts to compile this one.

Bumpdate/Update #2

HOW DID YOUR SPOUSE END UP IN AN AFFAIR? HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO YOU? HOW CAN I BE CAREFUL ABOUT MY RELATIONS WITH OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS IN THE FUTURE? WHY DOES DR. HARLEY SAY WE ARE ALL WIRED TO BE UNFAITHFUL?

All valid questions. My wife ended up having an affair at a particularly weak moment in our marriage. We had both withdrawn and we were both vulnerable to infidelity. Thankfully she got the first opportunity (thankfully because in our situation and taking into consideration our personalities our marriage would not have recovered as quickly or possible at all). My wife progressed through the following steps after a recently divorced old High School boyfriend contacted her through classmates.com.

I borrowed the list for a poster named TooSoontobeComfortable. The rest of this post is his words. He gets the credit for it's awesomeness...lol.

[color:"blue"]

TOOSOONS - 15 STEPS TO INFIDELITY

I borrowed this from another Web Site on Infidelity. It sounded like the steps my FWW described to me as she explained her affair to me.

-----------------------------

This was a handout for a church group (the statistics are almost identical for church and non-church members when it comes to adultery and divorce) but it does a good job of defining how affairs develop for far too many people. The progression from friend to sexual intimacy and betrayal. It is provided in the hope that it will help newcomers to the forum gain some understanding of what has happened and how it could or might have happened.

Anatomy of Adultery
15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?


1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"


2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."


3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

"She was there when I needed her."

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."


4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."


5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."


6. Flirting and teasing.
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."


7. Talking about personal matters.
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."


8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."


9. Special notes or gifts.
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."


10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."


11. Arranging secret meetings.
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."


12. Deceit and cover ups.
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."


13. Kissing and embracing.
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."


14. Petting and high indiscretion.
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."


15. Sexual intercourse.
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."
_________________________[/color]

BUMPDATE/UPDATE #3

WILL DIVORCE LEAD TO HAPPINESS?

Read the following article for an analysis of the question.

[color:"blue"] Link to American Values study on divorce and happiness [/color]

This is your life. Like it or not, infidelity is now a part of it. You'll never change it. It can defeat you only if you allow it. I suggest that absent difficult moments like you are experiencing today that it's merely more difficult to recognize the really good times. Live and learn. Seize the opportunity you currently have and are motivated to achieve to become a better person, spouse and parent. You only get one shot at life...it ain't ALL bad.

Good luck again,
Mr. Wondering

Longhorn and MrWondering -

Thank you for this thread. It encapsulates a lot of good information for people that wake up in their own personal ******.

LH, I did have one suggestion for your post. You wrote:

Would it be possible for you to provide the link to that thread? Many new users might not know how to search for it. From my personal experience, even though I'm computer savvy, having a list of resources and ideas to do this would have been immensely helpful (though at the time I was too ignorant to realize that I should have done this, thinking that the affair was over).

Again, thanks for a very important thread and collection of knowledge/ideas. I hope it will serve many who find themselves in this awful position.

BB, it's the "Spying 101" link in my signature block and I think I'll add the link to the text on my first edit. Thanks for the kind words about the thread. Much appreciated.

Thought I'd add another post. This one is by the infamous Mortarman. I've never met the man but he is now one of the good friends my wife and I have made herein. We are all praying for him, his WW and his children as his 4 year battle with infidelity appears to just now be coming to an end in divorce.

Anyway, it's a great newbie post, especially for military men, that I pulled out for the Infidelity - General Questions Board (the most active board on this site and where you are likely to get the most help when you begin posting).

This post was directed to a BH named Good Father, who like Mortarman, was also military, hence the military angle. Again sorry BW's but the link at the bottom regarding the roles of husbands and wives is an awesome read that all Christians should not miss.

UVA's War Post

This is what I wrote from another thread. It may be useful:

I prefer not to hold any punches when I speak, and what I say below may be hard to swallow, but you need to hear the truth so that you may act in a way that is most conducive to the achievement of your goals. Thus, what I say is not for the weak-hearted. Where I seem harsh, I do not mean to offend, it is to WAKE YOU UP from the big slumber that you seem to be in. I, like the others, have your best interest at heart. In the end, you will be ok and remember that you are stronger than you think you are, as will be discussed below.

What follows will be very long, as I gave a lot of thought of what I wanted to say to you and tried to come up with a fairly comprehensive strategy that you may want to put into action. It will be information overload and you won’t get many of it right away. But use it as a guideline and refer to it on an ongoing basis in addition to the advices you are getting from others on your thread. In time it will all make sense. So break what follows up in parts and come back to it from time to time.

I think analytically, so I will write in an outline form in the hope of being as clear as I can.

A. ACCEPT REALITY for what it really is.

You wife is in a full blown affair and you are, sorry to say, being played for a fool. All WSs at some point or another play their BSs for a fool. So you are not alone.

I will say more on exposure below, but for now I think you need to expose to your parents for two reasons. One, you will need all the emotional support you can get and they can be a big source of that. Second, you obviously need some outside perspective from all of this, and I think your parents can clearly point out to you what is really going on even though you are refusing to believe your own eyes.

So accepting reality is one of the first steps you need to take in order to give yourself a chance to save your M, to protect your CHILDREN and yourself.

B. You need to MAN UP

I hope you understand the concept of war. This crap you are going through is war. It is a war to save your M, to protect your children, and to maintain your sanity. Even though you may feel fear, you must act decisively, lest you and your children become the latest casualties of infidelity.

The weak may inherit the earth, but they do not win custody…especially if they are males. You need to be strong to fight for your children. Further, as some has suggested, women do not like men they perceive as weak. You will not win your WW back by catapulting to her every demand. Since, right now she does not have your best interest in mind, she is sure to exploit whatever weakness you exhibit. Thus, you are going to have to start standing up for yourself. It does not mean that you have to be rude, which is totally contrary to Plan A, but you need to stop being a doormat. A delicate balance, I know; a necessary one, nonetheless.

C. SNOOP

We know that there is an A. What you need now is proof of the A. The proof in my opinion is neither for you nor for your wife, since both of you know (and should know in your case) of the A. I see no value in trying to convince a WS that they are in A. If they are in A, they know they are in A. Trying to convince them that they are in the A is a waste of time.

Now your WW will try to convince you that she is not in an A, but if you know that your WW is in an A (as should be the case here), it is also a waste of time to argue with her about the existence of her A. When you have the proof in hand you can just show it to her if you wish—provided this does not jeopardize your source or legal case—but I don’t think that is necessary. You can just tell her that you know she is in an A and she can do whatever she wants with this information, i.e., the knowledge that you know what is going on. Don’t let her trick you into a fight on this. It is a waste of time and emotionally draining.

There are two other reasons, however, why I believe it is imperative to get proof of the A. One, you need proof for your legal case if your situation proceeds that route. Merely saying that you WW is having an A will not be enough. Since your WW is going to lie and say otherwise, you will need proof that can stand in court. You don’t want this issue to be just a he-says/she-says scenario in court. Note that even if the divorce laws in your state say that infidelity is irrelevant, infidelity may nonetheless be a factor in deciding who gets custody of your children. Moreover, since the judge is human, and even if the law says one thing, human nature will force him or her to take your WW’s infidelity into consideration when he or she deliberates on your case.

A second reason to snoop is to establish your credibility to those you expose to. Your parents will naturally believe you, so this is not for them. But her parents, and friends, others who can be influential with her, will be more apt to come to your aid if you can back up claims to them. A WS is a big time liar. Therefore, your WW is a big time liar right now. Just as she is lying to you now, she will be lying to those you expose to. If you have irrefutable proof in hand, she will have no where to hide and those you expose will have to come to terms with the reality of the situation. For these two reasons, I think it’s important to snoop your butt off on this.

How do you snoop? Well as others said, get telephone recording devices, car or personal tracking devices, computer keyloggers and hire a PI. Hiring a PI would especially be good. That would really solidify your case in court for custody, should it come to that, and open the exposure targets eyes to what your wife has really been up to. I know that hiring a PI may seem very expensive to you right now, but a divorce and losing custody of your children will be much more expensive than that, this I promise you.

Others are better expert on how to go about snooping, so I will defer to them on that. But what is clear, is that you need to do it.

D. Plan A: Exposure

1. Make a list of exposure targets and proceed to expose to them. They should be your parents, her parents, her siblings, friends of the M that can have influence on your WW. Later on, if that does not work, you can expose to the church you guys go to if you go to one or other people that can make a difference in your sitch.

2. When you expose be sure to tell the people that you expose to that your goal is to save your M and that you need their help in reaching that goal.

3. Do not threaten your WW that you are going to expose. Just do it. Do not tell her your plan here. In fact, do not tell her any of your plans in trying to save your M and protecting yourself and your children. Just as you would not tell an enemy your plan in a war, you don’t want to tell your WW your plan in this battle. Unfortunately, all WSs are the enemies of marriages.

4. Be ready for a big backlash when you expose. Your WW will say that your M is over, that this is the last straw, blah blah blah. Don’t worry, you will survive it! But don’t argue with her on this; just keep telling her that you will do whatever it takes to protect your M. Keep repeating this over and over as she brings it up.


E. See a Lawyer ASAP

1. Be sure that your lawyer tells you what your rights are, both for divorce and custody purposes.

2. With respect to custody, do not change your schedule with your children to accommodate your WW. The court will most likely give custody to the parent who takes care of the children and is there for them the most. As of now, that seems to be you. WW’s lawyer may told her that she needs to change the nature of the relationship that you have with the children, so WW can better position herself for custody at your expense. Do not accommodate her at all in this end. Continue to be the primary caretaker of your children.

Further, be sure to document all your interactions with your children and WW from now one. Again, in court your mere words will not be sufficient. If you document everything, however, the court will give me more credence to your contentions than your WW’s. Henceforth, not only do you write down everything you do for children and everything your WW does not do for her, keep every receipt of the things that you do for your children.

Also, when you document what is going on, make sure to write with a pen. A typed document will be given less credence in court (because you could have just written it just before court day). So get to work on this.

3. Don’t discuss divorce with your WW. You do M and your lawyer does divorce. If she wants to discuss divorce refer her to your lawyer. Be a broken record on this too. Do not let her bait you into divorce talk. Your WW will claim that she will do this and that to you if you don’t give in to her. Don’t take her seriously or listen to her nonsense on this. You have much more legal rights than she knows or wants to acknowledge. Thus, on the legal front, listen to your attorney, not your selfish, deluded, fogged-out WW.

4. Put your finances in order, and ask your parents to help you with upcoming financial difficulties that you will face because of this.

a. Separate your finances from WW. WS are known to deplete the finances of the family while in the throes of the A or when they are contemplating divorce or separation. You need to do this ASAP.


F. Schedule an appointment with the Harleys.


G. Plan A: Being the Best You Can Be.

1. Be as nice as possible to your WW without condoning the A. Do not be a doormat! Many confuse Plan A with being a doormat, and I vehemently disagree with this. Set up your boundaries without gratuitously being mean to her.

I believe being the best you can be will encompasses you treating her well. You see if you are being the best person you can be, you will strive to be the best husband, the best father, and being the best in whatever other roles your life entails. In being the best possible husband you can be, you would want to treat your wife well and meet her needs. Thus, you would try to find out what her needs are and try to meet them. You would be polite with her whenever you’re given the chance. To be sure, as a WS, your WW will rebuff many of your kind overtures, but that should not deter you in trying to be a great husband. Similar considerations apply to your roles in the other areas of your life.

But please do not confuse this with letting your WW walk all over you. A BS should never have to grovel to a selfish, unethical, irrational WS. Be polite, kind and loving whenever given the chance, but be firm and strong with respect to your boundaries.

In short, determine your shortfalls as an individual in all of the roles you play, and try to rectify them.

H. Get Full STDs Testing

Many on this site want to bypass this step, but I think for your health, your peace of mind, and the well-being of your children, you need to do it. STDs are alive and well in this country even though almost everyone, including me, wants to pretend otherwise. To ignore it is a big mistake in my opinion.

Most WSs have unprotected sex with the OPs. Thus, the BSs, when they sleep with their WSs, expose themselves to all the potential STDs that the OPs may have had. We have some cases here where the BS fell victim to an STD courtesy of his or her beloved WS. This is not a game, and as unsavory as it is to think about it, you must protect yourself.

In addition, before you have unprotected sex with your WW in the future, be sure she gets herself tested first. Since she slept with OM, you should require this as a condition for unprotected sex with her. If you want to pretend that the possibility of STD does not exist in your case, feel free to do so. You can deny this all you want, but an STD, if any, will not deny you.

I. Pray to God and ask Him to help you with this.

Although God helps those who help themselves, this is the most important step, in my opinion. He is greater than all of us and greater than all of this. It will be hard, but slowly and surely you should learn to put this, with everything every thing else, in His hands.

J. Some General Points

1. Do Not Move Out no matter what.

2. If WW wants to leave, she goes by herself. Your children stays at home with you, where they belong.

3. Ask OM to leave your WW alone, so that there will no doubt about how you feel about their A. Don’t expect much from this. It will be more to put OM on notice of your resolve to fight for your M.

a. If you can afford it, do like Bob Pure did and find out every thing you can out about OM. Find about his weak spots, and we can try to see where we can exploit them.

4. I think this bears repeating, do not grovel and beg your WW to stay with you. One, since you did not do anything wrong, you do not deserve to put yourself in that position. Second, a woman wants a man that they can respect. They won’t respect or be attracted to a groveling man. So even if your reflexes are to beg, stop yourself from doing said action.

5. Do not try to reason with your WW while she is a WW. As they are fond of saying here, WS are abducted by aliens. They cannot reason, and all they want is their next affair fix. You would be wasting your time if you think you can make your WW see the logic of your position. Just let her know your conclusions if need be and move on. (Do this in a non-DJ way though).

In the same vein, do not try to make sense of every utterance that comes out of your WW’s mouth. Again, you will be wasting a lot of time trying to follow the logic or reason of your WW’s statements. She is confused and thus so will be her words.

6. Unless it obvious, do not believe anything your WW tells you right now. WSs are pathological liars. As I have heard here, believe nothing a WS tells you, and only half of what you see. Also keep in mind that your WW does not have your best interest at heart at the moment; she is h*ll bent on destroying your M. Hence, as a rational person, you cannot rely on what she tells you.

7. Be acutely aware that what is going on in your M right now is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is easy to believe that your shortcomings in the M are the reasons that your wife cheated, especially when your WW rewrites the history between you two and blames you for everything. You may not have been the perfect husband, but you did not make her have an affair. I suspect your WW was probably not the perfect wife either, but yet you did not go outside of your M to fix your “marriage problems.” Her A is her personal CHOICE. People are free to make their own decisions. So repeat after me, “IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT MY WIFE IS IN AN AFFAIR; IT IS HER CHOICE!”

8. Again, do not discuss your plans with your WW.

10. Even though it may not seem like it, your M is very salvageable.

God Bless.

Great stuff, UVA. I wonder if you could edit your post to make it more generic though? Perhaps entitle it "For Betrayed Spouses Dealing With "In Your Face" Wayward Ones," or something shorter that gets the message across? The way it is, new users will have to locate GF's and BB's threads, read through them and then come back here to continue reading. Just a thought...

Had to add one of my favorite quotes that helped me...

Read what Frank Pittman says about 'romantic infidelity'
Quote:


ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.

this was a really good post for me to read, someone new to the group. Thank you

Bump!

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO ENDURE THIS?

HOW IS LIFE EVER GOING TO BE GOOD AGAIN?

HOW WILL WE RECOVER FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

I'm sure a million questions are circulating through your mind as you attempt to grasp exactly what happened, what's happening and what's gonna happen to your life, marriage and family now that you've discovered your spouse is or has cheated on you. I've been there. It is utterly confusing and if your not careful it will eat you up. I know my post will not "fix" everything. It is not meant to. But I do have a big part of the answer to your incessant and obsessive questioning. I'll get right to it. No waiting necessary. The answer to your questions IS, now is how. That's right...NOW is how.

Most of us have very little understanding about the thoughts in our own minds. We are hardly even aware of our thoughts. We fail to realize we live at their mercy, and that most of them are definitely not operating in our best interest. You should be YOU, right NOW the person you see in the mirror; you are not the thoughts in your head. These thoughts make a terrible master, and that's exacttly what most of you are right now...a slave to your obsessive thoughts. You can't stop them, you can't alter them, BUT just like a thunderstorm, you don't have to be battered down and blown about by them.

This is your life. Experience it...the good, bad and ugly. All part of who you are TODAY. As these days of turmoil continue realize you can't change the past nor can you control the future. Living in the NOW is the ONLY thing you can do. It is the only refuge and only escape. But, to do so you must remain in constant vigilance, that's the secret. Your mind will take anything, past or future---and dwell upon it, project from it, and create emotions...good and bad...around it. It will do anything to AVOID the present, the NOW.

The key to wisdom lies just BEYOND your thoughts. Set your thoughts aside. For example, when your WS yells at you, depresses you and tries to make you feel worthless, weak, needy, desparate, lost, whatever with their fogged out rants, speeches, rationalizations and justifications...you look beyond them and say "what a nice evening...isn't this weather we are having right NOW beautiful". It's really not that hard once you ACCEPT the UNCERTAINTY and embrace it as the NOW in your life.

All who seek answers in life can find it. Take the first step - no more, no less - and the next will be revealled.








If this post strikes you interestingly then perhaps you'd be interested in getting and reading a very short book which I really enjoyed. My wife and I had read it years before infidelity interupted our lives but pulled the book out again in recovery to help us both stay focused on living in the present, acting and not reacting and eventually moving on. We recently bought a used copy on some website for $1 as a gift for a friend so it's not expensive. Also, most used bookstores have numerous copies. The book is called "A Rich Man's Secret" by Ken Roberts. I highly recommend it.

Till then, remember, NOW IS HOW.

Mr. Wondering

Another good reason for exposure..at least in my opinion/belief..Bible encourages it!
Read Matthew 18:15-20.
A friend sent me book entitled,
"What To Do When Your Spouse Says. 'I Don't Love You Anymore'" by David Clarke, Ph.D.& it's a action plan
based on Matthew 18, which I have found very enlighting
& helpful after almost 2 years since D-Day & being separated...wish I'd had it sooner!

Haven't added anything over here in a bit. Thought I'd check in to give a link to a thread authored by Bob Pure, one of illustrious graduates living in England whose name originated as an adaptation of his favorite band, er, Pure Bob Mould. His thread contains multiple links to historical threads of value.

There is much to be learned from the experience and opinions of others that have come before you. We are still pulling for you to get this and apply it. Infidelity CAN be defeated and MB principles, IMO (in my opinion) afford the best chance of doing so. If you haven't read the basic concepts yet I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with them upfront before posting.

Anyway...here is the link to:



Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB tool kit



Mr. Wondering