I actually think you're in a power position here though the cost is with a sad heart.

You know something about him you didn't know before. He probably doesn't know you know this. You're in the position of making the choices according to you're wants. Well, possibly excluding exclusivity if that was one.

Believe me when I tell you one of the things I hate most about dating is the game of it all. But I have noticed time & time again when you back off they come forward. This is your chance to back off & see if that makes you more desirable, more sought after.

This also gives you an opportunity to see if there isn't someone else even more to your liking. It's not fun starting from scratch again but if there is someone who won't make you wonder about his intentions & makes it perfectly clear he wants only you (and you want only him) would it be worth it?

So I'm amending my first post by saying play the game a bit longer. Don't talk about exclusivity unless you want this to be a done deal one way or the other.

Oh, if you do go forward with this man look out for the brother. He may have other more serious characteristics to be concerned about other than poor manners.

lol - agreed on the brother issue.

Perhaps I'm giving too much slack since I do like this guy, but I do not think that he is opposed to or resistant to exclusivity, it just hadn't reach that decision point yet.

Maybe a general timeline would help illustrate my point:

Day 1 through Week 4:
Meet and date about once a week, talk at least a couple times a week. Either one of you may be dating other people or open to it; things are just getting started. Neither of us know each other well enough to be exclusive.

Week 5 through Week 8:
dating once a week, maybe see each other a second time on certain weeks, and talk regularly. There is momentum building and you are really getting to know one another; we are gathering information and deciding whether to take the next step. Either one of you may (or may not) be seeing others or open to it. There are no exclusivity agreements yet, but you are approaching that decision point.

(Personally, I think it's a sign of an emotionally healthy person if you do not expect exclusivity within the first few weeks. You cannot really know each other to make that decision. I do no want to be with someone who rushes into things based on loneliness, neediness or lack of options. All that being said, there are limits for how long this should continue. See next timeline... )

Week 9 through Week 12 (3rd month of dating):
Assuming the R continues to progress and there are not "dealbreakers", we have spent time getting to know one another, we talk regularly, we see each other 1-2 times per week. We know more about what to expect from each other in a R and are rapidly approaching the decision point.

End of Month 3 through Month 4:
It's decision time! Time to come to an understanding about exclusivity. Mostly likely one or both of us may have already stopped seeing other people, but we haven't actually discussed that as an expectation/understanding.

If the person I'm dating is not ready for an exclusive R, but wants to keep getting to know me before making a decision, then I may agree to dating for another month. If the other person is just not interested in being exclusive, then I say, ok, I'm glad we had this talk and were honest with each other, and I move on.

Thoughts on this? Reading everyone's comments helped me to define what I think is healthy & reasonable and where my personal boundaries are in a R. I would still like to know what others think about this. Thanks

While I don't believe that LowOrbit's position is particularly representative of "a man's view," I happen to agree with him substantially in this case. (Yes, this means that I don't believe my position is particularly representative of a man's view either.)

Frankly, Nev, your timeline seems quite rushed to me. Personally, I figure that I need about six months or so after the beginning of a "crush" just to let the hormonal rush settle down enough for me to be able to analyze a relationship effectively. Making any decisions during that time period would feel downright foolish to me.

More importantly, though, I believe that talking about exclusivity makes no sense unless you are also talking about marriage. The concept of exclusivity is tightly coupled to the idea of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" - an idea which I believe to be highly problematic and generally unhelpful. (If you think about it, it seems to be a relatively recent concept: in the old days of courtship, a woman was considered fair game until she actually accepted a proposal - and physical intimacy was of course considered scandalous outside of marriage.)

I agree with Greengables about expecting exclusivity before sex, but that's because I don't believe sex is a good idea before a commitment to marriage. (Actually, I don't believe it's a good idea before marriage itself, but that's irrelevant to my current argument.) High levels of physical intimacy tend to cloud a relationship, prolonging the distorting effects of the initial stages of infatuation, and often being used to avoid addressing issues which speak to the long-term desirability of the relationship.

To me it makes much more sense to develop relationships along friendship lines until you've gotten to know each other well enough to assess matters of character and compatibility. And if all your opposite-sex relationships (with unmarried friends) are kept on that plane, then exclusivity becomes a non-issue.

Of course, in a culture which glorifies Hollywood romanticism and instant gratification, my viewpoint will never catch on. And so the high rates of divorces and miserable marriages can be expected to continue...

i believe if you don't want to be exclusive with someone then you don't really think they are the one. once you realize you have found someone "special" i believe your heart tells you that you don't want anyone else.

neverthesame, i gotta ask you, what's up with the timeline? lol don't you think every situation will be different? i totally do not believe you can put a time line on a relationship. something can feel really right in 4 weeks but with someone else maybe not for 12... it, to me, depends on both people and how much communication has taken place. it is a case by case basis. i think if someone still wants to "play the field" so to speak, than they don't want to be exclusive. i know, for me, if i feel i still want to see what else is out there, that my heart is not telling me yet that this is the one. when i feel a rock solid connection, i want nothing to do with any other man that may come my way. that is just me. i cannot devote my time to continuing to get to know someone if i am dating others as well. but i only feel that way if i have that strong connection and truly feel that there is a possiblity of a future together. when i don't have that feeling, i am usually pretty quick to break it off or do the old " i think we should just be friends" speach.. lol

just me and my opinion... everyone's got one! mlhb

mlhb,

sigh... as I said before the timeline... "Maybe a general timeline would help illustrate my point" ... I repeat ... "illustrate" ... it was just an illustration to try to help better explain my idea that exclusivity is a progression, not an automatic sudden thing. I also don't think that people always arrive at the exclusive decision at the same time. Anyway, just an illustration.

heres my 2 cents...

whats the old saying....if your looking for love, you may never find it.....

dont try to hard to figure things out or give certain things time lines....i dated a woman for almost a year before the "L" word was ever even mentioned....

also....check your own "needines"....if its OK...then just take things as they come....if he wants to date...let him, and just keep everything in perspective with him and protect your emotions....

i realize, that men and women are VERY different when it comes to the emotions attatched to relationships.....but "neediness" is a huge turn off...regardless of gender...

as far as the conversation between his brother and your BF....that was immaturity and a little dis-respectful to you...i read that and took it as they "cheapened" you....

i woulda walked.......NEVER let someone dictate your self worth....if your self esteem and self respect are in tact....you dont need to take the dis-respect...

whether or not this is "the one" or not, dosnt give him or his brother any right to talk like that in ear shot of you...thats just "basic" coutesy!

but thats just my opinion!