How is this? Any thoughts? Recomendations?

(Names, etc. have been changed to preserve anonymity) =)


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Friend,

I am writing for a variety of reasons; reasons which should be clear by the end of this letter.

I will not be attending the retreat because my wife is engaged in an affair with OM (since August), and they plan to be staying together while at the retreat. I love this woman too much to simply give up on our marriage (which was legitimate--and I can prove this--despite some claims to the contrary). I will pursue any means necessary to save this marriage--and to end this affair; you should know, though, that threats, ultimatums, yelling, insults, or anything of the sort do not constitute 'necessary means' and are in fact contrary to my goal, so I have avoided them at ALL costs (again, despite what you may hear--or have heard--to the contrary).

I have chosen to write to you because you are close to myself, my wife, or OM, and because I know you to be an ethical human being. I ask nothing of anyone except that they know the truth.

I am not asking for or expecting a response, but if you have any questions, concerns, advice, or anything based on what you think, believe, have heard, observed, or whatever, please do not hesitate to write (or call) me. Anger is not something I will ever respond with; know that.

I am sorry if you feel that by me having written this I have 'involved' you; but the truth of the matter is that everyone is already involved.

Ok

1. Aggressive is threatening in tone word or deed.

2. Assertive is setting our boundaries as tt what treatment you will accept and allow and when.

you need to work on assertiveness not aggressiveness.

Plan A is about acting in the correct manner to show her only love. So do not follow her to try to make a point. She hears you, Say, obviously yu want to talk over me - this is not productive, we will talk later and move away from her.

Do not get into tussles with any door, this will support her threat lie.

Allow her to shut it on you and slam it and yell etc etc. this will show her she is the violent one.

WS are like a fish just as it is coming into the keep net. Frantically fighting and flailing to get off the hook and avoid the net. She is in the net. So you need to realize the fratic hurling of herself and words and actions will continue ....

This will help you to sort things out ….


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A from Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Keep copy of this to refer to - Pepperband has this just right - we can talk details now you have a guide to what you are in the midst of.

SP

I have made some changes and suggested others to make this clearer, simple and to make you smile.

SP

Very specific question here...

I noticed that my WW was nicer today since she made no curt remark either when I told her, as she was on the phone with OM, "That continues to be disrespectful," or when I told her that my parents said hi (my father specifically told me to just mention it, whether or not she is talking to me at the moment...pretty wise of him). Then the reason why came out, "Can we trade cars this weekend?" I asked how come, she is going to California (her car wouldn't make it), I asked why, "just to hang out." I didn't give a definite yes or no...but what would you suggest?

Her car is her car (bought very recently), the other car is our car, but I still have complete justification in saying no since it may be ours to share, but that doesn't mean I have to use hers, so it would need to stay in town or I would need to go with her. I'm going to ask her at some point, why she is going, what she plans to be doing, where she is staying, etc. If she answers honestly and respectfully, I'm thinking I'll let her borrow it. Or should I also have as a prerequisite that she offer or allow me to go with her if I want? I would just so we can maybe have some good time together again for once...even though I would have to cancel a plan or two--they would understand.

Thanks in advance.

Quick update:

As I was doing the dishes my WW came into the kitchen for some food. I took the opportunity and asked her, "Who are you going to see in Cali?" "No one." "Where are you going to stay?" "Why does it matter?" "Just curious, especially if I'm going to let you borrow the car." "Then don't let me borrow it."

We'll see if she changes her mind! But if it stays at that, then my question is moot.

I should have clarified and said, "Just curious, besides, I need to know if by letting you borrow the car I am helping or hurting our marriage before I give you an answer."

So what is happening? - update us

SP

Well, an update. I haven't written much because very little has gone on, and I've been overwhelmed with work, but thats over now for a while at least.

A little has changed, but not much. My WW is still planning on moving out, some time in August, and is having a hard time financially with it...more so since I'm not doing any favors for her. And she will be leaving for the retreat on Thursday and be back I believe Sunday.

Oddly, she has begun to wear a ring on her (wedding) ring finger again, and she has been talking to me a LITTLE more than recently. As for the ring, it isn't her wedding ring, and I have never seen her wear it on her left hand AT ALL before this. I considered that it could be because of OM (although he didn't give it to her), but that doesn't fit since I haven't seen a single sign of an uptick in the affair, if anything they are talking less.

So, I don't know!

Another thing that happened is that I made a big mistake, but luckily didn't complete it. A female friend--more of an acquantance--of mine (who my wife has known as long as I, but isn't close to, then again neither am I) came over this weekend. It was supposed to be another friend or two, but it turned out only being her and I.

There was some drinking, some flirting, and I was tempted to pursue the situation, but I held back, thankfully. And to her credit so did she; she does know that I am trying to save my marriage from an affair. Its horrible, I saw the fog even creeping in, "I can hide this one" or "maybe it will make her realize what she is doing", etc. etc. But again, I staved them off. I'm erasing her number from my phone and will avoid seeing her. Luckily we don't work together or anything, and she is moving in a month across the country.

To add to this, my WW did come home while this woman and I were talking--its not like we were hiding or anything though. She didn't say anything, but I do think she was jealous and/or concerned.

Feel free to yell at me for this mistake, I need some accountability right now!

I am working on a pre-Plan B letter that I will post sometime soon.

Quick question: when should I inform her that I'll be cancelling her car insurence (on a family plan), cell phone (same), etc.? I plan on doing this within the first week after she moves out. Should I tell her before she moves out? Should I include it in the Plan B letter and give it a week from then?

If she wants to move out and act single, then let her be single. Cancel everything the day she moves out and let her know when she walks out the door. If she's on your health insurance, try to cancel that too. If you're feeling nice you can give her a list of phone numbers that she can call to get things turned back on...in her name and on her dime.

Make sure you change the locks, get all your bills in your name only, and change the passwords on everything. If she has anything that your name is on, or anything you co-signed for, get your name off of it if possible.

Have you filed legal separation agreement paperwork? Some would say that without kids it doesn't matter. Some say it has a shock value on the WS. In some states you have to be separated for X months before divorce is granted. Depends on the route you want to take. There are smarter people than me around here; hopefully one of them will chime in..

bb:

I understand your thinking with doing it and telling her the day she moves out, it just seems rude and disrespectful to do it that way without a warning.

Beyond that, here is the body of the letter I am thinking of giving her tonight. Any thoughts/suggestions?

You are still the love of my life, the one for me, and I remain dedicated to saving our relationship, our marriage.
You do not have to move out, in fact I would love to continue living together, and more than that to see your affair end, begin to recover and improve our marriage, and reintegrate our lives.
I feel it is important for you to know that if at any point you decide not to move out, or to move back in, I will not hold it against you or use it against it. You are not my enemy, you are the person I cherish most. In fact, I’ve already forgiven everything.
You don’t have to move out; we can continue to live together forever, all you would need to do is end the affair and cut all contact with OM permanently and could then work together to recover our marriage.
I would also like to apologize again, since I could never do it enough with only words, for ever having hurt you. It pains me to simply think of it, specifically—but not only—by my affair. Also know that it will not and has not ever occurred again.
To be honest, because I believe I shouldn’t be anything but with you, another affair is sometimes tempting, especially at times when you really hurt me, upset me, or are especially distant. But I have not and will not give in, and I know—and do—the things I need to do to make certain of this.
I would love for you to decide not to go to the retreat, or at least to end it with OM and to then cut contact even while there. I look forward to recovering our relationship, and making it more amazing, satisfying, and thrilling than at any moment in the past.

This is not a plan B letter, it is just a letter to tellher you have forgiven her and oh by the way i was thinking of having another affair - just so's you know.

What are you thinking?


Here are the guidelines to a plan B letter. Either do it or realise you are just going to cave in and suck up to her while pretending you want her to change.

10 steps to a plan B letter

1.State that the WS actions with OP are have eroded your loving feelings for them and your number one priority is to protect the loving feelings you have for spouse. In order to do this you must separate yourself from their presence so their actions cease to diminish your love for them.

2.State of intention to stay married to spouse.

3. Acknowledge own shortcomings in creating the marriage rift.

4. State intention to keep children in original happy two parent marriage

5 State intention to work with spouse to rebuild marriage better than it was before, to create a situation for both of you, so happy you will be completely fulfilled in the marriage.

6 State - separation. no personal contact for any reason - names of intermediaries of choice - if children in family - how to hand over children for visit through intermediary - financial - separation unless it is for children's needs. (sometimes you cannot keep them with you and have to pay support).

7. State intention to separate financial accounts if there are no children.

8. State conditions for rebuilding. NC with OP and NC letter to OP. Include job change, moving away, limiting (moderating) FOO contact and changing social circles if one or all of these is the only way to NC. Acknowledge that this will be hard for them and state your willingness to do anything to make this possible and to support them through the changes necessary.

9. No other way to see or talk to you. Do not make exceptions to the boundaries - (common sense - in life or death situations, they, intermediary or doctor would automatically contact you and separation would be put on hold)

10. Reiterate love for spouse and intention to be married to them for the rest of your lives.


Linda

Oh, I know this isn't a Plan B letter, nor is it meant to be. I have the first draft of that complete and will post that later this week.

This is just a little something I wanted to write before then.

Well, I ended up sending her a shorter letter than the above that condensed most of what I wrote, but nothing about fending off my temptations.

Its unusual, she has been fighting me on how much she owes, then today she puts up a little resistance, and then just accepts it--even if grudgingly. If she really is so tight on cash and is having a hard time moving out--which I'm sure she is--why would she go out of town for a week? Even if the retreat organizers helped pay for the plane tickets (likely), that is still a week without pay, food expenses, etc. etc. etc.

She then got upset at me and said, "Don't give me any crap about not moving out." Since, I assume, she just read the e-mail I had sent and it hit a sore spot.

I believe I heard her and OM having an arguement to some degree--not full out yelling--last night; she is having problems with money. I know we are no where near the end of all this, but I wouldn't doubt that she has been having second thoughts about moving out, or at least the timing.

You are nearing the beginning of all this.

She is beginning to see the consequences of her actions and just how much it will cost her in support and love and money to be with OM. So keep it up, plan A her with love and honesty and exposure - right up until plan B.

This is nearly the beginning - of her hitting the wall.

Linda

SP,

Your words are encouraging, but to become more so, could you tell me why you say this? Is it just my prior post, or a combination?

I should have the draft of the Plan B letter up soon.

Thanks.

She is still in the fog - the affair is like fanstasy land. In spite of them (WS) appearing to waver between being better and worse, they really do not leave the fog until they get a shock and then suffer the A withdrawal symptoms.

She is acting in a way that is par for the course. Soon you will enact plan B, she will find that she cannot continue to use you to further her comfortable life AND the A. So all she will have will be reality and OM, who does not respect marriage or commitment etc. That will be the wall she hits.

If you can be strong and have absolutely no contact with her during Plan B, then it will be very effective.

Linda

Should I do anything while my wife is away at the retreat, or more aptly, out of town with OM? I say that since she will be staying three days longer than the retreat goes on for, as will OM.

Should I call just to tell her I love her? Should I call...at all? Should I just take care of myself until she returns?

I have decided to give her a few gifts with the Plan B letter...some things she has said she wanted, and some that I just know that she will like. It isn't anything that would make moving out or destroying our marriage or continuing the affair any easier or harder, just gifts that I wanted to give her. Just wanted to share that part.

I can't believe this... I'm on the verge of an (another) affair of my own...and I just can't stop myself. I still believe in my marriage, I still love and want and desire my wife, I still believe that we will survive and revive our relationship and marriage.... I know very clearly the consequences of an affair, I know the damage, I know the fog, I know what I need to do to prevent/stop it...but I'm not doing it.

I have friends, family...but what my wife provided for me has been missing from my life for six or seven months...I'm starving here...

Please forcefully confine me to a cell...and a cell different from the emotional one I have been living in.

Do not have another affair!!! STOP now!! Do this for you and for your self respect and certainly know that the OW is not married. PLease tell me she is not!

If she is not interested in the M then, while not exactly MB material I would like to know what others think of you telling her that you accept her decision, that she needs to start the paperwork for D, that you love her and want and believe that this M can be saved and built better than ever, but that you have been left alone and without much hope for so long that you too have met someone who would like to fill your needs (not sexual) and that you may have been pushing her to save this M too hard. REVERSE Psychiology???? Give her a quick, short hug without too much feeling and tell her to have a good day and that you are available to talk about the specifics of the papers once she has them drawn up.

Stop thinking with the wrong head and stop giving yourself excuses. This is how you got here remember.

Just stay home, call and tell her you love her and have gifts when she gets home. Do not give them to her when you plan B her.

Tell her you believe in your marriage and intend to do all you can to preserve your love and heal your marriage. Do not give her a clue Plan B is coming.

Get the images of you F****ing OW from the other night out of your head. If she is still contacting you then she is not a decent woman. Certainly not someone you want to destroy your marriage for.

Do NOT tell your wife of your desire to have an affair. That is not plan A, it is an ATTACK!!!!.

Just picture your wife eventually coming to see she needs you and then finding out you are lusting after and have had sex with another OW.

She will quite rightly feel you never meant anything you said and are a hypocrit.

Grow up and stop looking for attention by showing us what you have down your pants and how you want to use it!

Linda