I am about to put a different view point to some of those which have been offered so far. I wonder if, in our case, the problems have arisen because the WH was depressed in the first place. The following extract comes from an article recommended on another thread (I am sorry but I can't remember the thread to refer you back to it). The section quoted below rang a bell with me.

My H was suffering from depression and the OW is a woman with worse problems then he has/had and I wonder if talking with and supporting her takes him out of himself. For quite a long time during his depression years (about 3years that he was aware of the problem and being treated) the only time that WH had any energy at all, he gave it to her and her problems - supporting, attending court cases, visiting with Members of Parliament, solicitors etc. Of course at that time I was not fully aware of what was going on (an EA in my opinion, which continues) and left it alone believing that any spark of life at all was ok as long as there was life!

I am not suggesting for one moment that this is ok, merely to suggest that there is another viewpoint.

I would be interested in your opinions. If you read the full article it might provide more information to you.


- quote

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles

Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity

By: Frank Pittman

. . . You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate -- someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality. - unquote

Georgina

I had read that also and was wonding the same thing. It may even be what had brought about the question in the first place!

This is the kind of thing going on in a sex addicts life. They are emotionally distraught and their acting out becomes the medication. They get locked into a cycle where once they get a fix they fall back into the emotional lows needing another fix. They have measured the highs that come with sex addiction and it comes close to the same high as cocaine.

I would definitely agree with an assemssment that my H was depressed prior to mingling with another. He tells me this now, after all of the devastation, but, I've learned a lot about myself, too, and my depression (most likely brought on by the lack of intimacy in our lives together--lack of companionship). I'm quite sure that he was depressed and she was an outlet for him, because, of course, they were in the same boat--the o whoa is me boat--c'mon we all know it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It's nice to have someone offer an alternative view, and I would never think that that is overstepping any bounds, so thank you. BTW, H and I seem to be a bit more intimate these days (his initiation), and I'm looking forward to working toward a better appreciation for each other--who knows...

Well, even though H said last night that OW was his EX, I still checked the cell phone record this moring and you can bet I'll be checking it for a while. Will I ever get to the point that I can trust him again! I mean he was late coming home by 15 minutes yesterday and I started to worry! I wanted to call, but he ended up calling and saying he was on his his way. Said he stopped at the store to get a coke and got caught bull sh*tting. I wanted to ask with who but I figured it was with some of the guys from work. we're doing well and I didn't want to push. I am keeping my eyes open through! we had another good night! I'm proud, we will see what today holds!

I don't think I will ever give blind trust to my H again, and I've told him to keep that in mind for me too. Part of the reason that the A happened in the first place was giving trust where I should have been more active in keeping an eye on things. It won't totally rule out the possibility for another A, but it will keep me more aware of what he is doing and who he is spending extra time with. If he chooses to lie, I have no control, but checking his cell every now and then, I think, is a good call (no pun intended).

I have similar with my wife. she's really into depression. I know she was in the mist of starting another EA and i'm looking at myself in what i did to cause this one accept not doing my plan A as well as i could have. i tried to talk to her about seeing a dr on it. little progress on that.


Mine seems the same way right now. she keeps talking in riddles about a happy place but she has to die first before she can get there and stuff like that.


i got a jist of that on my b-day last week. she told me she didn't care that it was my b-day. i'm pretty sure it was the aliens talking. one thing that really bothers me is that my WW would tell me that i'm going about things all wrong and doing it the wrong way. i'm like what so i can make some changes. i'm doing plan a as well as i can and be positive. but she won't tell me what i'm doing wrong. i don't think she even knows.



lost

I agree before I never questioned where he was. H was really good at calling and letting me know if he was going somewhere, running late, etc. I thought he was too scare to catch some disease or worse! I just NEVER worried about him cheating on me, that's why it's still a shock! I told H right after he confessed, "No, you didn't, you wouldn't do that to me!" How can I ever feel comfortable with him again? Matter of fact, what can I do to make myself feel a little better? I've always had trust issues with other people, my mom, stepdad, stepmom, sister, but I truely felt safe with him, because he knew what I've been through with them. I've said before that Everyone entitles to one mistake! If it ever happens again, I walking, no questions! I will not deal with this my whole life, H's dad cheated on his W throughout their 25 yrs. together. I will not put up with that, I can't!

I think that the root of MB principles is to avoid these problems and avoid affairs in the future. Build a better structure for yourselves. This doesn't make you impervious, but it will set up a system that you can rely on to keep you aware of things, to keep up with the things that you need to do in order to maintain a healthy existence together. If it does happen again, and you put everything in place, and have been providing what your spouse needs, I don't think you should be faulted for protecting yourself and getting out; at least, that's how I feel.

Thanks, I mean I do realize that we were not meeting EN's due to work, kids, etc. I do hope that I'm setting the stage for an excellent M in the future! I'm just so scare and I can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm really feeling the hurt today, but of course, I know that I have to push all of that down right now because we're not ready to do that yet! I [email]d@mn[/email] sure don't want him withdrawing from me now! I just want to start balling, wish I were home crying into my pillow, instead of work!

oh, sweetie, don't I know it. Don't suppress these things. If you are emotional today; walk away for a moment, go to the ladies room and let some of it out; just don't take it home. This stuff can be toxic to the soul. And if you do take it home, cry when you need to, but explain that you are just being triggered today, and have him understand that it is not a reflection on the progress, but the past that you are trying to let go. It's okay to not be 100% f'n cheery. No one is 100%, even in the best of times. Have some faith that you're moving forward. Everything will not be solved this month or this year, but things will fade with time, and you can focus on your future again one day.

Thanks, Temp, I really appreicate that! I don't know what I would do without you and all the other here. I was also wondering if there went any other letter's like joseph's on this site, maybe love letters, that might may me feel better. You know if I wrote him a love letter, I'm still waiting on my books! I wish they would get here soon!

I'm hoping that the trip to the library with the boys after wrk will lift my spirits!

Well, I went home and balled my eyes out for an hour, while the kids played at the neighbors. H pulled up at 7:15, so I gathered myself together and went outside! He immediately noticed something was wrong, but I just said that I was just having a bad day and left it at that, but he could tell. He's being really good compared to last week. I'm not sure what the change if from, I would like to know but I'm just praying we stay on the up and up at this point! He's starting to call me baby, and things like that! So, I have to smile about that, right?