HERE, HERE!ARK-- Yeah, when did it become such a sin to be honest! Geesh! Dang, I wish that I had found this site when all of my exposing was going down; I only exposed to my H family, not to hers; that would have been a HUGE deal-breaker. EXPOSE, with facts.

what I'm trying to do is have the pastor uncover the A

instead of me since he already have complaints about it
and he said he will contact me and I'm guessing he will
tell OPW so she can make her decision.
It will only take a liitle more time.

JOE

I hope, for your sake, that the pastor does expose, but keep in mind that this could look bad for the facility and the pastor may only confront OM, and not reveal anything to OW. You have no control over how others may handle the situation, but you do have control over you. It is really your choice, and waiting to see what may happen isn't really a bad choice; maybe see what happens and then act upon that--if his W is not aware then there is still a chance that they can be even more furtive and carry on. Be careful with who you give control to, and allow to handle YOUR life, and it's outcome.

Thanks for the advice,
I was planing on exposing to OW If pastor does not do it,
I just have to wait and see what will hapen.

Look, the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping it. IMO, a promise to your wife to help her keep her adultery secret is insane. Do NOT keep that promise. Mister, people have tried being nice while attempting to convince you to do what needs to be done, but it doesn't seem to be working. You only have a narrow window of opportunity to save your marriage and you're wasting it. Listen, I call spades by their true name, shovels. If you can't handle that, stop reading now.

I have some news for you. If you want to keep on being a doormat, it's up to you, I guess...but women don't admire needy wimps and they do NOT respect them. You won't get your wife back by keeping on the way you have been.

Mister, you need to grow a pair and break up this obscene, sordid adultery by exposing it to everyone who can put some pressure on the thing. You're waiting on everyone else in the world to do YOUR work for you but it'll never get done right if you don't do it. Quit hoping things are going to turn out okay and start making SURE of it. Expose, THEN implement Plan A.

oooo, Longhorn, I couldn't, obviously, have said it better. I've said it a few times on this thread; EXPOSE. There's really nothing worse you can do here than sit in the backseat and let someone else steer your life for you. I was relieved when I exposed, even though H did leave, but I felt good about me, and others were impressed and gave me all of the support I needed or asked for. The A lasted for one month after that; and then imploded on him. Don't let anyone do what you can do for yourself...and this would be for yourself.

Post deleted by 213601

Thanks Longhorn for being honest with me
I don't have the OW phone number.
but I'm going to try to get it.
I think I should do my job
I will post when this happens.
Joe

"so you see what I'm trying to compete with here
not so promising is it?"

There is no competition for you, Joe...none at all. You are unique--you were correct when she chose to believe someone else and not you about her beauty...however, only half right.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

That's right...she chooses what she sees in the mirror...with loving eyes or not...accepting herself as a creation of God or not...to hate his creation, call it ugly, is to offend the creator, don't you think? She has a lot of issues...do not allow them to become yours...insiduously, they come in, with the automatic comparison...you are reality; OM is fantasy.

Remember that. You are not competing...you are living your choices and honoring your commitment to better or worse...

Listen and repeat her words back to her, showing her choices...

"I hear you say that you chose to believe OM when he told you that he thought you were beautiful."

I appreciate more of your history, your marital dance you both do...you are the one here...not the one wrong...I am only speaking to you because you were led here. God wants you to hear and know about YOU...part of the awfulness of A's is that if you allow your brain to be sucked into the A, then you, too, will lose yourself.

No attacks...just know your own expectations..."she brushed me off" did she say that? "I am not listening to you and brushing you off." Or is that your DJ? Did she not respond to your statement? That would be non-responsive. Get centered, Joe...you can do this. Know where your own assumptions, mindreading and slanted perception are causing you extra pain.

Exposure, no contact letter, counseling and exercises...you've got a plan...stay in it...be highly conscious of yourself...I am not picking at you for your word usage or phrasing...I am trying to get you to see where they come from, the beliefs you have...the ones you choose and the ones you operate by without even knowing you believe them.

You're getting great help here...please know you and your WW are not unique...I was much like your wife...and I am recovered...so is my marriage...really can happen, Joe. All things are possible...

LA

Good, 21. I am so happy you're not going to continue to be a spectator in this and that you're changing to a more proactive stance. Nothing changes in this life if we don't work to change it and you're going to feel better about yourself for doing this.

Whatever was wrong or perceived to be wrong with your marriage before, your wife still chose a cruel, selfish solution that is indefensible. You did not cause her adultery, though I'm sure she feels better blaming you for it. At the same time, while you didn't cause the adultery, you may not have done all you could to stop it. It is possible to turn all of that around, build a marriage that is stronger than it was before, and you're in the right place to make that happen. MB folks have been where you are now. They'll help you through.

It starts with exposure, pardner. Expose to everyone who can pressure the adultery to end. OW is a great start, but there are other targets too. LA and Melody gave you some examples yesterday. You should contact the principal at the school where this man works and your wife volunteers and let him/her know what is going on in that school. Better yet, get to the superintendent for your school district and file a complaint. There are others. Who else can help you smash this adultery, 21?

Then it'll be time for Plan A. What things about yourself are you going to improve to make your home and yourself better? Are you going to start a workout regimen to lose those pounds that have been collecting around your waist? Work on your golf game? How about taking that online class you’ve been meaning to…or that woodworking project you’ve put off forever…or do that landscaping the backyard could really use…or write that great American novel you know you have deep inside? Get the picture? Plan A is a space where you work on being a better you, and you also start practicing good skills for the rest of your marriage.

Okay, trot out that exposure list, man. Let’s see who you’re going to bring onto your side. You’re children are counting on you, 21, so you fight this with as many allies as you can find.

Hang tough, pardner. It is a war, but you’re starting to do the things that can win it for your side.

Hi LH

the kids go to privat christian school the pastor is the OP'boss this is what I'm trying to do now I'm waiting for his call.
and I don't have extra pounds I am 5'10" 130 lbs
been the same wait for 30 years, and I tried to gain some wait I couldn't and she never lets me forget that I can eat anything I want without gaining a pound, and I think she even hates me for that, yes we are diging a pool in the backyard and yes the landscaping needs work this is my summer project.
Now I was thinking of talking to her parents again to set things strait, but I'm thinking it's a bad Idea because they will always believe her over me, don't get me wrong tey are very nice people, but I don't think they will help.
and I think I should join the gym maybe to gain some muscle weight.
thank for your honesty

Hey, 21, forget about your wife hating you for never gaining an ounce...I hate you for that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Do the gym thing and tone up some. You'll be amazed how good it makes you feel about yourself.

You should definitely re-expose to your in-laws. You are absolutely right. They may not actively support you over their child. Still, from the way you describe them, they will disapprove and your wife will see that in their eyes. That is pressure.

Stay strong, pardner. We're with you.

Post deleted by 213601

Okay, tactics are good. I'm retired military and recognize that...but be very careful about procrastinating, pardner. Don't let it get away from you. If your Pastor can do this in a reasonable time frame, I can see where he can be of enormous assistance to you in breaking this up. Always keep that feeling of "time's a'wastin'" in the back of your mind, okay?

BTW, did you tell your pastor everything you know? He'll be duty bound to keep anything you say confidential, if that's a concern.

I didn't tel him everything , and yes I will not wait for long I still don't have OW phone number
but I think it shouldn't be a problem.
Thanks for the reply.

HI LA
I always like your comments and analysis.
thank you.

Some more history

A couple years ago I felt way to disconnected from my wife, she was neglecting
Me, no more intimacy no more talking I could feel the negative energy around
Her when we where together.
I tried to ask her what’s wrong she replied
I have no more interest in Sxx and all think about when you’re around is you
Wanting this because all men are pigs and this is what they want, so I think that
You should go find somebody else.

I was mad but I didn’t show it.

Next day I decided to write her a mean letter, but I couldn’t find the words
I started remembering the good days, and I felt bad, I understood that it was my fault
I was the one moving my hand away when she wanted to hold it
I was the one not giving her enough attention when she needed it
I was the one that took her love for granted.

And my letter became an apology and it felt good the words started coming easy.
This is the first time that I realized how much of an idiot I was and how much
I loved her.

When I gave her the letter I thought it would make her cry, but it didn’t
I got no response.

This did break my heart, so I decided to turn around and start giving her more
Attention, telling her that I loved her ant I want things to work out.
Then I realized that the more I tried the further she became so I stopped trying.

I guess looking back she did treat me the same way she is treating me now.

Until last spring her mom offered to take the whole family to Hawaii for Xmas
So my W asked me if I could close the shop for 6 days so I can go with them,
My answer was W you don’t even feel comfortable when we are in the same room
Together and I think that you will have more fun without me.
She said nonsense we will have fun.
That night she switched to her old self again, and we had a great summer.
Till school started and she started being friends with this guy, and I guess
He have problems with his wife and one thing led to the other, and voila
The A started, in the beginning of DEC. needless to say she was in a very
Bad mood in Hawaii.
And you know the rest of the story.

"A couple years ago I felt way to disconnected from my wife, she was neglecting
Me, no more intimacy no more talking I could feel the negative energy around
Her when we where together.
I tried to ask her what’s wrong she replied
I have no more interest in Sxx and all think about when you’re around is you
Wanting this because all men are pigs and this is what they want, so I think that
You should go find somebody else.

I was mad but I didn’t show it."

Can you see your part in this history? Your power?

You felt way too disconnected from your wife...and you conclude that she was neglecting you. Where's your part? If there was no more talking...was that you not talking, as well? No blame...just looking for your part, your power...your choice to talk, anyway. Fearful when you feel neglected to say, "I feel disconnected with you. I can't tell what part is real and what part is something I've felt all my life at different times."

By asking what is wrong with wife...asking her...you are saying something is and it is her...not stating your part, revealing yourself and your thoughts...your fear, the vibes you're feeling and exploring why you're feeling them. You looked externally. Then she shared her beliefs and you were angry and didn't show it.

How connecting is that?

Now...I'm not blaming or absolving here...examining only. Can you see how withholding yourself from her disconnects...takes two to be intimate...like Harley says in the three states of marriage...keeping yourself in Intimacy is important...you can't control your spouse being in Conflict or Withdrawal...only you and your state of the marriage.

This is past...my belief is that because you remembered and posted this that part of it is in your marriage. Were you attempting to show me how her beliefs do affect you? Yours? You can't fight them...make her believe you're not just any man, any pig? How hurtful her belief is to you?

How hurtful is it if you KNOW your truth...which is that intimacy is important to you; that knowing her and being known by her is what fulfills you, widens and enlarges your life?

In your story, your retaliatory letter became ownership, an apology...and then resentment, when disregarded.

Can you stand back from this painful memory and see your expectation...where ownership ended and manipulation began, unintentionally, when you expected a response, a certain response, and didn't get it? And then you chose the path of most effort...and when it didn't get you the response you desired, you stopped?

I'm asking you to look at you, your motivations, without blame...to see how response-based you really are on her...which is adding to your own pain...because it is like telling Self, "You're not who defines me...she does" and that hurts a lot. Self defines self...not her. She's separate...has her own self. She doesn't complete you, enlarge or widen you...you do that.

In marriage, when we really get this separate respect, then we are fully two whole people choosing one another, becoming one...after knowing we are separate. This is love in its truest form...intimacy without measure...interdependent without abuse.

Have you read about pursuer/withdrawer? It's a dance I was in which reminded me of how she withdrew more as you made more effort.

I was the pursuer...I can relate. If only I loved better, tried harder, did more, stayed focused on DH more...then I would be loved better, harder, more...and be DH's focus.

Doesn't work that way with humans. It is a false belief some of us have...and I clinged to mine...and self-destructed with it.

If marriage is a boat, and I'm over-doing, I'm leaning over...which means spouse has to under-do, to balance. Disrespect comes in sneaky forms...best intentions are what pave the road to internal heck...something like that...false beliefs do. Pure intentions don't.

I'm asking you to consider the premise of your life...giving to get, equality means treating and being treated well, holding others to your standards and expectations, etc. Let me in on you. Just you. Not her.

When I point out DJs, I'm not talking about words...remember...this goes to beliefs...you give yourself permission to define your WW, and in doing so, give her permission to define you. That's signing up to abuse and be abused. Please reconsider.

Here is what prompted that

"My answer was W you don’t even feel comfortable when we are in the same room"

You are stating what W feels when she has stated she wants your presence.

"Together and I think that you will have more fun without me."

Again, you are predicting, mindreading or assuming what is only your W's domain. Defining her.

"She said nonsense we will have fun."

She says "we" not "I" but close to stating her expectation...which is hers.

"And you know the rest of the story" Thank you Paul Harvey! I smiled when I read that...

LA

Thanks LA

By the way are you a therapist?
You are really good.

Who am I?
I guess I’m still searching
This is what I know

I always try to avoid conflict
I did look for her for acceptance
I know she did love me and I loved her ant still do
You are right I didn’t tell her my feelings either
I know now that a big part of this is my fault; I did take our love for granted
I’m a shy person that doesn’t like to reveal much of my feelings, but this is
Changing now.
I guess it comes from my father’s high expectations from me, nothing was good enough
For him.
He was a quiet enclosed guy too; I know I should break free from this.
I’m trying my best.

Thanks LA.

HI again.

I know that the PA is still going on should I tell her
that I know or keep doing what I'm doing.
I told her once already she said that he is only a friend
and no more PA.
I know she was lying but I backed of.

My first instinct is to say go ahead and tell her you know she's still committing adultery. If you can say you know OM and she were together on such and such a date (after your initial confrontation) and if you think the additional disclosure will influence her to stop the physical activity, then go ahead. Her disrespectful attitude, the lying, and the adultery itself aren’t likely to change just because you know her dirty secrets, but I guess there’s always hope. I’d put more hope in your pastor making the adultery impossible through your exposure.