No. Just be the best dad you can be. Let HER imagine that you might take the kids. DO NOT DO ANYTHING that comes close to overtly signaling that you will use the kids as a weapon.

Bottom line - be a good Dad. Be a super Dad. This will speak for itself.

Her paranoia will kick in. You don't need to help this. If she askes if you're gonna take the kids, your response should be: "My desire is for the family to stay together. WE keep the kids together - you and I as their parents. I have no plans to go it alone."

Got it?

WAT

I got it.
Last night STBX talked to me about the conversation STBX had with her mom. STBX said she won't speak to her mom again, her mom was pretty hard on her.
STBX said that she didn't care what anyone thought of her and that she was tired of being unhappy and that life is to short to be unhappy and said that being with me makes her unhappy.
I just told her that I understand exactly how she feels (and I do I was were she was 2 yrs ago...but I didn't leave or file for divorce)and that I can relate to her feelings but I told her it took some real soul searching on my part to figure things out for myself. STBX said I don't need time I'm done.
STBX continues to reach out for support from OM. She still wants me to call her mom and make things right. I just changed the subject. She again asked if I was planning to take the kids full time as her mother implied I should do...I said wow I can't believe your own mother said that to you...I never answer her question.

btrayed, I think you should let her know that you have nothing more to tell her mother but will be staying in touch with her mother to keep her updated on the affair.

I would also let her know that the children won't be dragged from their home and cannot be around the OM. Let her know that you will not allow the kids to be dragged into her affair and they should not be exposed to the OM. btrayed, this is very important, because often affairees try and use their children to add false respectibility to their affairs. They think introducing the kids to their affair partner will normalize it.

Don't allow your children to be used to facilitate this affair. Like WAT said, i don't think you should threaten divorce, but I do think it is a good idea to let her know that you will be trying to get full custody because of her affair. That is not using the kids, IMO, but protecting them and in the process, putting pressure on her affair. Let her know also that you will be naming her affair and the OM in any custody/legal action. And you want to apply all the pressure you can!

I would explore the OM's "divorce" and see if that is true. But additionally, I would look into exposures on his side. For example, a good exposure would be his parents and perhaps his boss, if this is a workplace affair. It shouldn't take a PI much time at all to get his family information if you can't find it yourself.

We are getting divorce in 3 weeks. I am not hiring a PI because its not worth the money. The affair has been exposed and she is a mess right now becuase her family is so disgusted with her...she just continues to run. I already told her that once she moves out that the kids are staying with me full time until the house sells which could be several months.
My plan is to not threaten her with her children...I will not use them as a tool. She is having a real difficult time of things now that her mom cut her off financially and told her to give me the children.
She just continues to say I'm done, I'm unhappy, and I don't care what anyone thinks

First - I very much agree with Mel here:

Please remind me, which of you filed? I'm pretty sure it was her.

Assuming it was her, this makes you the "defendant" in the divorce proceeding and you have to answer the "charges" - you have to enter "pleadings."

This is what I did in my case - maybe it'll be applicable to yours. My WS filed on the grounds of mutual, "voluntary" desire to divorce. The filing cited the fact that she left the marital home and we'd been separated for over a year. In my pleading my attorney responded for me that I did not consider it voluntary and she had left the marital home in the same time frame that OM had left his family and I considered these decisions to be based on furtherance of their extramarital affair. This got OM's name and my claim of the affair - which they adamantly denied - on the public record. They sealed the deal five months later by getting married to each other.

Doing something like this might help establish for you a future argument for total child custody. Ask your attorney.

WAT

She filed against me. If I am in plan A how does telling her that I will attempt to keep the kids not create conflict? I can hardly discuss her A with her because she says its only a close friendship and not wrong.

No, that's not what I mean - and I bet not what Mel means.

You should communicate that you will not condone your kids being around OM. You will do whatever is necessary to prevent it.

This is different from taking the kids from her.

If you have to take the kids, it'll be to protect them from whatever bad juju you think they'll be exposed to in her presence - specifically, OM. You gotta be specific, I think. See the difference? Of course, she'll interpret it that you're taking them from her. This can't be helped. Keep your motives pure and on the higher moral ground.

This is not a Plan A issue. The welfare of your children are more important than Plan A, IMHO.

WAT

Then don't discuss it. You've made your point.

Heck, my WS married OM, but to this day denies an affair took place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You cannot stop the divorce. She can. I recommend you let it happen and let her crash. Maybe she'll crash before it happens - you've done all you can to set this up. Just keep your nose clean, be a model Dad, and don't LB except to protect your kids. When you have to take action to protect your kids, just be as gentle as you can.

WAT

I think I will only say something about when she brings it up. What do you think about this....yesterday I was washing my new car and she asked if she could get in it and check it out, she proceeded to discuss how it drives, did I like it, how the stereo sounds ect.
I sat there thinking why does he continue to talk to me everyday as if we're good friends when she claims to have no feelings for me or our relationship...I'm really starting to get confused by her actions.

Re-read Rule #1.

The reason this confuses you is because YOU ARE SANE!!

She's been abducted by aliens and had her brain scrambled.

Step back and look at this for a sec.

What sane person would do what she's doing and then treat you as if you have three eyes because you don't understand?

I swear I am not making this up:

Me: (to WS) You're having an affair with OM.

WS: STOP IT!! I'm NOT having an affair!!! I'm IN LOVE with OM! WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?????

WAT

I know that she is a mess right now...but when she acts like this it makes me feel as though she still really cares but is scared to continue on with the past...I have told her I have no desire to continue our relationship the way it was. I want to start all over i.e. date=ing, courting, the whole ball of wax. She said that when I said that it made her uncomfortable.
I feel in my heart she still loves me but she thinks that the grass is greener and will be so much more happy w/o me.
All I can do is continue to be the person I am becoming now and show her love and compassion and be the best dad I can be. She has expressed to her sis and mom that I have made a radical change and that she is so happy about...but unfortunantly she says she has no more felings for me.

My mom just emailed and said that I should let STBX that her actions and A are going to force me to protect the children and I may need to take action to keep them with me.

I disagree with your Mom that you should make this threat.

That's what it is > a threat.

Do not enter into a power play using your kids.

That said, as Mel and I alluded to above, DO communicate to your wife that you will not allow your kids to be around OM or be harmed in any other way. Let her worry about how you're going to accomplish that, if needed.

JMHO

WAT

I agree that I shouldn't make any threat...her mother already did that...by telling her that she should give up her rights as a mother until she figures her own life out.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with...at times I feel so desperate because I know she still cares for me...she is just tired of feeling unhappy and this OM makes her feel happy. It's so frustrating.

Should I start trying to woo her or just back off like I have been and just show her love with my actions and the way I respond to her?

btrayed, I don't think you should make a threat, but you should not protect her from the very real reality that you may go for full custody if it comes to that. She is not in her right mind now and needs to understand you will do what it takes to protect your children. So, like WAT said, don't threaten, but explain to her that this may be a reality.

betrayed, just protect your kids at all costs. Don't allow her to rip those kids from their home to accommodate her affair. That is NOT Plan A! Kids should never be sacrificed for Plan A.

I completely understand and agree with you Mel. She completely denies that there is anything more than just a friendship so I avoid talking about it. That said the next time she brings up the kids or the sitch I will let her know that I will do anything to protect my family.
After you have read my posts do you think that there is any hope that we could get back together or should I just let that go and concentrate on myself and my kids like I have been?

Very, very important questions:

Did you answer your WW's filing?

Do you have an attorney?

Does WW have an attorney?

If you answered your WW's filing, what did you say? If not, what do you plan to say?

You need to get your legal ducks in a row, lest you get railroad in the name of "saving money".

Let me know the answers to these questions. I am afraid you may not be protecting yourself legally as well you should in this.

We have already filed an uncontested divorce. No attorneys on her end. I did consult with my attorney and I have continued to that. He said that given the fact that I am getting joint physical and legal custody and she has named me the custodian parent. The financial split has been smooth and he said that everything looks good for me...that if she continues this downward spiral that all I have to do is go back to court and request primary custody based on her behavior. He advised me to keep a daily journal and gather as much proof as I can so that if it comes to that she will have no defense for her actions. Plus she has no money for an attorney and she has no idea that I do.

I believe there is a lot of hope - but you may have to let the divorce happen. Let her follow through with her wonderful plans. You can't stop it - trying probably makes her more determined to proceed.

Guy - you're holding 4 aces.

You have the greatest control over her in that you have say over the children. This is very powerful. You are the most powerful man on her planet. PLUS you have HER MOTHER on your side.

In all my time on this forum I do not recall a man in a more powerful position - except maybe the guy who had video of OM boinking his wife in his house. On second thought, you got it over him.

The really cool part is that all you have to do to wield this power is - stay out of trouble. Be the best Dad you can be, give her NO reason to doubt your desire to keep the family together, and don't get greedy or impatient with your power. Keep that nuke in the silo. She knows you have it.

WAT