Cool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

One clarification - by "keep the nuke in the silo" I mean don't threaten her with the kids. But you launch that nuke with no warning if you think you need to protect the kids.

WAT

My STBX moved out yesterday while I was at work. She asked if the boys could stay the night with her and I agreed...I told her that I would drop them off later in the evening when the game we were at was over.
After the game I took the kids to her new place I hugged and kissed them goodnight and than turned to my STBX and asked if she didn't mind giving me the her set of the keys to the house. We both own it until it sells and she chose to leave...I just told her that I needed my privacy to, and that if she needed something in the house I would meet her there and let her in.
She flew off the handle and went off the deep end. I told her look you have your own place now I need my privacy to, and that if you cannot give me that than I will move out of the house as well and let the house foreclose rather than allowing her to control the situation with the house. She continued to argue with me and told me not to threaten her. I said I'm not threatening you I just can't be comfortable with you having the ability to come and go out of the house as you please.
I told her that she cannot have her cake and eat it to, and that I cannot take anymore of this kind of treatment and I don't appreciate her always trying to fight with me about everything.
Later last night she called me and apologized for overreacting. I said that I appreciated that and asked her why she got so upset. She said that I caught her off guard because she expected me to tell her how my day went and how the game was with the boys. Instead I immediatly asked her for the keys. What does she expect from me? She says she has no feelingd for me and is done with our marriage????

I'm going crazy I have been working hard to be so nice, comforting, understanding, and showing her compassion and love...the one time in the last 90 days I treat a conversation with her like a business conversation and she flips...actually it seems as though whether I talk to her as friend, husband, or aquantaince that nothing I do is right...she always wants to fight with me.
I don't know what to do anymore...this is driving me crazy.
PLEASE HELP!!!!

My STBX moved out friday and was supposed to have the kids all weekend. She called me and asked that I keep the boys all day and night on sunday so she could hang out with her friends.
She has only spent 1 weekend in the last 90 days with them and this was her first opportunity to spend a weekend with them in her new apartment. Plus she works all next weekend.

I have decided that based on her continued neglect for my children and she has made it very clear her single life is more important than her 3 and 9 sons...that I will launch a missle today and request full custody of my children.

Does anyone know if 3 weeks prior to the court date is to late to try and contest the divorce based on the welfare of the children??

Does anyone think I'm over reacting?

I didn't think she would move out. But with the impending D, it hardly matters.

It's water over the dam, but I don't think asking for the keys was a good move. This is a Plan B move.

Before launching the nuke, please consider going to Plan B - especially in light of the impending Plan D. But the welfare of your children is more important. If you believe - as their only sane parent - that they are in jeopardy when with your wife, launch the nuke.

Just because she has her priorities all screwed up doesn't automatically equate to the children being in danger. If she wanted to take them with her to hang out with her friends, that would be different maybe, huh?


You need to ask your attorney questions like this. It seems to me that you already have all the control you need regarding the children - no need to contest the divorce based on that. If not for the divorce proceedings you wouldn't have this control, right?

WAT

I only asked for the keys because I need my privacy as well. I can't live in fear of her showing up and going through my personal finances and other things. She came to the house on Saturday when I wasn't there and broke into the house with my 2 young children with her. I have to consider that irresponsibility on her part when with the children...she could have called and met me there liked we discussed.
I need to contest the divorce and seek full custody before the hearing other wise it could be a lengthy court battle after the current agreement goes through.
Her kids are not her primary concern right now and she has had many, many opprtunities to prove other wise...the children do not deserve their mother chosing her single life over them when they no its their weekend to spend with her.

At this point, any type of reconciliation is secondary I have to be concerned with what she is doing to my children. They are my number one priority.

I misunderstood your earlier descriptions of this. I thought it was settled that you could launch the nuke at anytime - not just before the divorce. Clearly I don't have a good understanding of the legal arrangements.

Yep - protect your kids as you see fit. Don't be hesitant to lean on family members - this is what family is for.

WAT

Thanks.

Basically the legal situation is that we have the kids split between us 50/50 and I am the custodian parent. However, she is not spending her time with the boys when she is supposed to she is leaving them with me...which I'm fine with but my kids don't deserve having her pick when its conveniant for her to see them...its getting hard for them everyday when she choses her friends and single life over them.
Rather that wait until the current agreement goes through, I really feel that after this weekend and her constent me first kids whenever attitude and display that its my responsibilty as their dad to make sure they are in a stable environment with a parent that wants them 24-7...not just when its conveniant.
That is why I feel I should launch the nuke to gain full custody with her only having visitation. Until she can prove she is ready to be a mom again.

I agree. But... are you sure you will win custody if you launch the nukes? What are the probability that your WW will get primary custody if you go to court with this? What is your lawyer's risk analysis on this?

My lawyer says that worst case I would have to stick with the original agreement...which is sharing the kids 50/50. Based on her behavior over the last 90 days she has no leg to stand on.
I feel good about the decision I made because I didn't make it out of anger or spite...I have to look out for the best interest of the children.
Who knows maybe this is just the wake up call she needs...at least I hope so for the sake of her relationship with her kids.

My STBX stopped by last night to talk. She just cried the whole time saying she was confused and just wants to be happy. She was very concerned that I may seek primary custody of the kids. I told her my primary focus is what is best for the boys, myself, holding out hope for a reconciliation. She just continued crying and saying she has no one now except the boys and she thinks she's messed up in the head. I just reassured her that she will always have me even after the divorce.
I felt bad for not coming out and telling that I have filed a motion for primary custody and it was really, really hard to see her hurting so badly...I wish I could take her pain away...and now that I have put the wheels in motion to get primary custody...I am afriad she will be crushed and hate me now...but I only did what I, my family, and her family thinks is best for the kids.
She did tell me before she left that she was glad that she could still come and talk to me about anything.
I just hope my actions for the best interest of the kids did not ruin any chance for a reconciliation.

Did I make a mistake???

I don't feel as though I did anything wrong or selfish...I am in super parent mode and protecting my kids best interest and keeping them in a stable environment is my primary goal.

Anyone have any insight or advice?

IMHO, yes.

But it's recoverable.

Here's the mistake IMHO: No she won't - not if you're wise.

I recommend - despite the imminence of Plan D - you should be getting ready for Plan B. Even though Plan B is designed primarily for the BS, it's potential impact on the WS shouldn't be discounted.

Bottom line, you should cut her off from you - the sooner the better. This may be the very best thing for her to experience - along with fear that she may lose her kids.

Do not deny her the growth opportunity that comes with hurting badly at her own hands. You may ultimately be able to take the pain away - but don't continue to hold her above water now. She needs to feel the consequences of jumping into the deep end unprepared.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks.
So I should quit comforting her and only discuss things involving the children and only talk to her like I would someone I work with?

No, I think you should do pristine Plan A right up to Plan B - the sooner the better.

My disagreement with what you did previously was "promising" that divorce wouldn't change anything.

If you want to Plan A right through divorce, that's up to you - but doing so would not result in any consequences for her.

Plan B - or losing her kids - before the divorce will deliver consequences sooner. Divorce will certainly do it - unless you "over-ride" the divorce by promising to continue to be there for her.

Feeling consequences is the only motivator for a WS - other than getting dumped by the OP. Because they deny what they see in favor of what they feel, feelings are the only things that can alter their stupor. They're used to good feelings from the affair - unexpected consequences deliver bad feelings.

JMHO

WAT

Well she should get served today with my motion to contest the parenting plan. I had an opportunity to change the entire agreement, but all that I am concerned with is that my kids are in a stable environment and since I have been the primary parent since all this started 90 days ago I feel I should continue to provide them with that environment.
Should I write her a plan B letter or just cut off from her completely except for emergencies and things involving the children like I have already done?

If you want to follow the MB methods, write a Plan B letter.

It has the huge advantage, IMHO, of communicating your love. Just cutting her off doesn't accomplish this. Plus it's something both you and she can refer back to later.

At it's core, a Plan B letter is a love letter. Any third party reading a good one can have no other rational conclusion.

WAT

I wrote my plan B letter last night and it is in the mail. It may however do no good because she will be getting served papers (that I have contested the divorce based on a motion to change the parenting plan) today.
But like you said in your recent post she has to see the consequences of her decisions, although that was not my motive. My motive was only for the kids to remain in a stable parenting plan and consistant schedule...which she is being to difficult to agree with...she continues to try and change the current plan to fit her new lifestyle and schedule.

STBX called me Sunday to talk with the kids. She went on to start crying and ask if she should get a lawyer. I told her nothing...she is in fear of losing her kids. She said that she is so sorry it had to end this way and that she no longer has any feelings for me other than as friends...I still have a hard time excepting that...after 10 years of marriage??? and everything was normal including our sex life and 2 weeks later...she has no feelings for me and wants to destory our family???
She went on crying and saying she doesn't want to lose the boys and is so confused, but regardless of her confussion she still wants the divorce.
She should receive my plan be letter today and should get served today as well.
I'm starting to get more and more confused by her actions...was she trying only to pump me for information or is does she really not have feelings for me anymore?