Ark suggested this.

I think it's a great idea.

I recently was labeled as having an EA with Georgia.

I was shocked by this because I didn't see my communications and feelings about him as being any different than those with female posters such as Eav or Hurting or Slammed or anyone else whom I have posted to regularly.

I don't look at photos on here.

I don't do E-Mails.

I limit my time here to when my H is not at home.

I don't spend that much time thinking about others here unless theres a crisis.

So I wondered why others thought that about me.

I certainly don't want to be guilty of having an Emotional Affair and did not agree with that perception...

But I was wondering....

Mimi,

Thanks for doing this before I did.

I am lazy and also must do some work at work, so I am copying my post from the other thread.



""What I object to is avoidence of discussing the dangers of over-involvement between married people on a MARRIAGE BUILDING BOARD""

Specially when the members also give THEIR EMAIL ADDRESS!!

Be carefull out there!!

I too, am very aware that affairs start from CHAT ROOMS!! My FWW met OM in a chat room and proceeded to have a three year PA with the low life. I read the threads! The idiots should go back and re-read their posts.

Can any of the idiots say these social threads ARE NOT CHAT ROOMS??

Sorry for yelling, but methinks some idiots protest too much.

Could there be some predators/players on this board?? What a good place to come trolling!

Chat rooms are a very, very sore spot for me!! I am hyper/ultra sensitive to the USE AND DEFENSE of them.

In My Humble Opinion!!

Thanks for listening.

Kirk

EDITED to read: This discussion was concerning I'ville and the time it takes away from family and marriage building and EA's that could and did occur from it and threads like it.

Great idea.

Let me post from the other thread too (good idea kirk)


********

I do know of one EA/PA, that was formed on MB...that both were members of Iville...Both of their Ws's were moved out and in affairs at the time...

But it's none of my business to discuss on here.

I dont doubt there are none now...or that you are in one, I feel IVille is great actually - but it's a problem with ANY thread here at MB...

BS's think they are immune cause of the fact they were just betrayed...but as vulnerable and upset as Bs's are...it's easy to get attached to those who are offering a friendly ear and advice....even on here...and start to miss those who dont post to you....(of the opposite sex)...and soon it becomes emails...then phone calls....then before you know it - you are the WS...

My husband is a perfect example (albeit NOT with someone on MB)...

Just a caution - that's all...know your boundaries - even being a BS...

***********

it's justfication...

A WS is in pain before in some cases - definately NOT the pain of being betrayed...but like with neglect, a pain that gets hard to live with each day - a dull resentment that grows...and that person gets vulnerable...and all of a sudden there is someone that understands what they are going through and cares....and they start to miss them, miss talking to them, so they talk more and more - an EA is formed...and the natural path after that becomes a PA...and to keep on this path it's full of justifications of the PAIN and NEGLECT the BS caused them....

So a BS comes to MB...in pain from the WS, devestated - a pain that isn't dull and happened over time like the prior...but a pain that is SHARP, intense and came FAST. Here is a forum full of people that UNDERSTAND...opposite sex that understand you - make you feel better...maybe one in particular that you value their advice and support the most - of the opposite sex...one day you want their advice on your spouse and ask them to email you - after all - you wont ever cheat - you could never do what your spouse did to you.

The emails come more and more...then phone calls...all advice, all support, then one day you mention you missed them...or you love how much they care...

AND WHAM - you are in an EA...and you can't save your marriage.

I see the danger of it in almost EVERY thread on here that has regular posters and advice where its borderline not advice anymore....and let me tell you - this is how my affair started - on a forum. This is how my H's affair started, on a forum where he was recovering from MY affair...

BS's and WS's both have to be aware....it's silly picking out Iville as the culprit...this whole forum has the ability....me thinks that's why private messaging has been disabled...the Harley's werent so dumb as to not see the potential for EA's here...

""I recently was labeled as having an EA with Georgia.
...................So I wondered why others thought that about me.""

Oops, MIMI, sorry!!

I didn't know the thread was going to be about you. I thought it was going to be about the EA threat and time wasted on those long social chat room threads. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My bad.

same apology Mimi!!!

I thought this was thread Ark mentioned someone should start - to address the issue of EA's in MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I havne't read alot of your threads with Georgia...so I cant comment if I see a line crossed, but I think you know your boundaries Mimi.....and that's a good place to start.

No, Krusht...

THIS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME...

I was opening up the discussion here is all...

I mentioned the stuff with Georgia because that has been my only experience with the issue.

I haven't visited the social chat room threads for fear of that very thing...

I hope nobody else got that impression.

I think it's such a worthwhile topic.

I read the posts you are mentioning. I never considered that you would consider an EA.

Someone else reading your responses MIGHT perceive that you were overly involved by your reaction. (Of course they may not know how much of your time you had invested in typing responses and sharing your experience and opinions.)

It could be a learning experience for posters about investing soooo much of yourself that we take things personally when they don't follow our advice or we make some kind of unexpected discovery..

I remember back in the day... some implications arose about FlyGirl and me. Hmm, it was the height of my betrayal, and I was definitely needy at the time. One might easily confuse friendships and EA's.

yep - its why each person must know their own boundaries...not for others to judge....shirley glass's site can help ya out if you are washy on whether you are just friends!!!

I feel that we can't be too cautious with our boundaries and this is a very worthwhile discussion.

I agree that we should each know our own boundaries, but there are many that don't "know" their boundaries until it is too late...as in the case of the online affair I had. I was too naive to think that anything could possibly happen by this OM helping me....duh!


Dorry - I didn't know your affair started on a forum...mine did too.


I've pasted my posts from the other thread here too:

******************************************************

As one who had an online affair that began on another forum, I really believe this is a real issue that needs to be discussed.

My online affair began through PM's on another forum. When I first began communicating privately with this man, I wasn't seeking to have an affair. I was seeking help from another person that was willing to be there for me and help me overcome another affair. A bond was established between the two of us, and the attraction began to flourish into a online affair. This can happen on MB as well as other forums.

MB has done well to not allow PM's on their board, but how can MB further prevent the emotional bonds from occurring between opposite sex posters? I have seen a post on this board where the poster made a statement that she has a personal rule to NOT email members of the opposite sex on MB. But, yet later, I witnessed that this very same poster let down her guard to email the opposite sex on MB.

Married men and women must always take personal responsibility about their actions whether the communication is by Internet, telephones, in church, or in work situations. By letting down guards to email privately or chat somewhere else privately is a personal choice. How can MB really prevent that from happening?

*******************************************

I don't believe that those posting on threads such as Idiotville have the intention to cheat with the other posters. I believe that as they become more comfortable with each other in that type of environment, they let their guard down and will compromise their personal boundaries. Some will email privately with the opposite sex, or they will chat elsewhere. People that are hurting are VERY vulnerable to affairs when they are talking privately to the opposite sex (as we well should know on MB).

Maybe there needs to be a warning made about public display of email addresses?

**************************************************


No one can possibly know this to be true or not. We can't "know" all that has been taken off the Idiotville thread to somewhere else. I had an online affair that began on another forum (a Christian forum), and NO ONE on the forum knew!

I agree about the potential danger of EAs on these forums (and other forums/chat rooms).

I'm still a relative newbie here, but I've been online and done chat rooms and IM (before IM was widely available) for 10 years. I've had a couple of relationships (not affairs) start through chat rooms.

The danger is very real, and it's very easy to cross the line - especially on a forum like this one. As a BS, it's a normal desire (I think) to get input from member's of the opposite sex who have been in this situation to gain insight into what your WS may be doing/thinking and/or how to help them, if possible. That quest for knowledge (or validation, or whatever) is (or can be) on the precipe of a very slippery slope. I'm willing to bet that almost everyone who has had an affair never planned on it...one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you've found the true love of your life (I hope no FWS take offense at that statement, as it is somewhat general).

Ultimately, it's up to the individual posters to police themselves, IMO. Be aware of what you write, and how you write it. Emotions tend to run very high on these boards (for obvious reasons) - the vulnerability of a BS to their own affair cannot be understated.

I think the warning of EAs from these forums goes hand-in-hand with the caution to not spend so much time and energy here that you neglect your own marriage (be it Plan A, recovery or whatever).

I can see the MB forums being very much a double-edged sword. A lot of good can come from these forums - so can bad. It all depends on how you use it, and how aware you are of your own boundaries.

That's my wooden nickel - take it for what it's worth or not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

yes - a sports forum my husband and I participated in...then we travelled to an event where we befreiend OM, then travelled home and continued to talk online with him, others and his wife...after a bit we started to PM more...then started to miss when we didn't PM...and eventually it became feelings, an ea, and next time I was in his area...a PA.......wasn't looking for it - never planned it...very dangerous...I was unhappy in my marriage - he was too - he gave me advice, i gave him advice - we even tried it with our spouses (before the EA)...we understood eachother's frustrations...sound familiar?

wanted to add

why it was different than a friendship - I started ONLY looking forward to his posts and hearing from him...I started to miss when i didn't have him to bounce things off of...

Let me tell you - I value JL, Bobpure, aphlelion and many other men's advice here...but if they dont respond to me, I am not phased, nor do I miss them not posting to me, or go with the intentions to get ONLY their advice....I dont get excited to read what they have to write to me.

And in the few I have emailed - I never talk about my personal marriage...I never talk about any negatives...I only give advice for insight on what thier wives might be feeling or experiencing. I am VERY strict on my boundaries in any interaction.

I dont think this should be a rule for just FWS's....had I had this rule when I was just a normal Wife.....maybe I would have never BECOME a FWW....

BB,

""That's my wooden nickel - take it for what it's worth or not""

Good post.

Dorry -
Thanks for sharing...yes, sounds somewhat familiar. I too NEVER thought it would happen. And as this man and I PM'd on the forum, we grew a bond as we shared about our marriages. We started to open up more and more. He started to share about his frustrations in his marriage. We looked forward to writing each other and did so every day...all day long. We eventually took it off the forum to emails when we admitted our attraction for one another. I guess we felt "guilty" doing that on the Christian forum.

edited to add:
This OM started out with boundaries of "no emails". (even though we sent PM's.) He also didn't want to share his name with me either. But, we let our guards down little by little....Boundaries HAVE to be firm!

I think the other danger that Susan and I posted about is that you run the risk of taking emotional fulfillment needs away from your SO's/family members by having emtional attachments here.

For me I don't worry about inappropriate involvement with a fellow MB'r, I worry about too much involvement here emotionally so that my needs are filled without ever having to talk to anyone in my 3d (thanks for the term Susan) life, and in so doing risking those relationships and taking away from them.

And I am talking about girlfriends in my 3d life as well, people I could develop friendships with along with family members and new beau.

I agree very much with what Kirk is saying about chat rooms, and I am the biggest user of my favorite thread here, and those people mean the world to me...but I wonder if it is taking away in other areas of my life.

Of course the time I spent here and those very same attachments brought me to recovery, and taught me so much...but when is it time to move on, unless you are here for the sole purpose of helping others, as many are?

weaver -


Well, my wife and I are still working our way towards recovery, but I would venture that the time to leave is when MB is a bigger priority in one's life than their marriage, or if MB is more of a downer than an upper, or one's spouse objects to the amount of time you spend on MB versus them, etc. Many reasons to stay, many reasons to leave. Probably one of those things where it depends on the individual involved. (As I write this, I hope that your question wasn't rhetorical and I've made a fool of myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

It wasn't, and you didn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just something I've been thinking about, and wonder if any others are having the same type of thoughts.

Had an interesting thought while reading the defenses from those (possibly wrongly) accused of EA's. Since the true definition of EA is relative to the situation, it's hard to get a certain yes/no confirmation of one. (Not like body fluids are exchanged over the internet, right?)

Sooooo....

D'ya think some of our WS's are rationalizing away EA's or looming EA's somewhat in the same manner as folks on this forum? If EVEN WE are defensive about possible EA's, how can we expect a fogged out WS to understand the difference?

It's a very good point...It's why I like shirley glass's online test for not just friends....and her descriptions of EA's....really helps to draw a line.